shallow origination mists
beckon twilight
beyond the slip of moonlight
drinking sublimated shadow
in cerulean twist
listing as sea overtakes this engine of edifice
sacrificed altars where sorrow and rust
war in measure to oblivions cursed dream
simple turnabout
the wheel drift
made present in pale limb
shudder forth
in the breaking light of dawn
empty vessel of night
spilled lifeblood
to let you
wake
Month: August 2016
It’s 4 AM thinking
In February, I stopped looking for love. I’d felt like I’d been through the relationship wars and just needed a rest. And they say that when you stop looking that’s when it finds you which I’ve always believed to be bullshit. But like lightning strike, I was hit, bowled over. And I thought maybe I was wrong. She said to me the one thing that melts all my defenses instantly. The think that fucks with my rational thinking. The thing that bypasses my mind and goes straight to my heart. I leapt over the precipice, knowing full well the likelihood of being caught. But she seemed to catch me. I’d like to think that for 2 weeks we were happy because the universe intervened. As it always seems to. I’m probably engaging in me centered thinking but every time I get close to having what I have been wanting, something intervenes and snatches them away from me. Almost always, some health related thing happens to the people I love. I don’t do anything to cause this, it’s not some fucked up self sabotage. But 4 people I love end up in hospital beds in the course of a year? Each time when we start getting past the preliminaries and begin to move in earnest. That’s too much for coincidence. It leads me to believe that I’m being messed with on a cosmic Greek gods capricious level. Or I am in a hell, where the one thing I desire is offered again and again and when it’s just within my grasp, they disappear like smoke. There are those that believe that the universe provides. I find that I and the universe seem to have a more adversarial role.
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Pel and Sara
You may be expecting another installment of Pel and Sara. However, I believe this is a good end point for this story. I will need to figure where the next start point is before I write the next installment. I will likely leave it up in its complete form for a week or so while I make a round or 2 of edits. Then it will go up on Amazon. All 3 Pel and Sara Stories will be packaged together and anyone who bought the book in the past should be pleasantly surprised by this new addition. It is called Life’s Sensual journey by Anthony Glenn (that’s me).
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7 words to fall in love
Your decisions, respectful of them, am I.
My passion is infinite concerning us, you.
Seeing you smile makes my world better.
Let’s joke and laugh and be silly.
While I hold breathe, you are safe
Love is infinity, you collapse the waveform.
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Stepped out
Spinning my wheels in this perpetual motion machine of self doubt and recrimination
each misstep outlined and underscored
each disclosed ‘secret’ filled with the thought that I’m weird for thinking this way
and when reassured that I’m not
thinking that I’m being humored
for if my eccentricity was accepted why is it so simple to walk away from me
abandoned by those I love leaves me grasping
makes them leave all the sooner
I think I’m being honest when I say I have abandonment issues
I’m not holding you hostage
I’m just asking that when you leave you tell me why
Huh, ‘when you leave’,
I don’t expect you to stay and what does
that say
of the shape my heart is in
or is it just thinking realistic
I fear that I am not enough
that the day to day life of reading and writing and work
laundry and dinners and silences that drag on too long because I’m holding the conversation in my head
because I want to say the right thing
the thing that let’s you stay with me
but it’s a fools errand
if I knew what to say I would have said
now I’m being too cautious
I’m holding back because each time I hold forward it’s all too much but maybe your different?
Maybe I am the one you want but being honest
you, whoever you are
are likely with someone else
I stopped playing musical chairs awhile back
now that the music stopped wandered back into the room
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If I say I love you…
It is not worship. It is not idealization.
I see every person in reality as a human first. Flawed, with a set of base states. I start from flawed and build my picture of you from there.
I see you. I see your strengths. I see your weaknesses. I see your pain. I see your past. I see your desires. I see your needs. I see your hopes. I see it all. I want it all.
It is not idealization. It is acceptance. It is not worship. It is love(loyalty, respect, honor, joy, hope, elevation, desire).
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It’s not me, it’s me.
I’d find love if I could, but it eludes me, a fox before the hound, I lost my hunting party or they look but don’t understand what I’m searching for. So I look for someone who’ll submit but doing so recalls memories of people I’ve loved who fulfilled the role and lived in my heart. And I’m forced to ask if a little play, which given my nature can’t be for long, is enough.
Or am I overreaching? Looking for a future when I don’t have a now. And I say it’s simple to find sex for a night or a week because it’s always been so. Turn on the knowing smile and the eyes that hint of darkness and experience, don’t go looking and just enjoy the night. It’s inevitable but on waking, that was fun but empty. And I’ll have my day and you’ll have yours. We’ll be a fond memory and a little smile but soon lost to the weight of hours and days.
Those encounters never lead to much else maybe a month of fun until you’re fed up with me typing away or reading instead of the whirl of dance and drink when we met. I keep looking for more, looking for the person(s) who’ll make me smile, make me better, make me more.
It’s easy to say be enough on your own but I’ve been down that road and while I’m great, I want to break up with being alone. I just want to see other people.
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Top 5 things I miss about being in a relationship
1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.
2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.
3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.
4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.
5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.
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Bone weary blues-new song
I’m tired of here, I’m tired of new,
just being here, without you near,
it’s all that I know, this pain and bones,
what’s all the point, when you’re never here
And those I have found, a poor substitute, I’m easy to love and easy to lose
I’m weary of life, I’m missing your touch,
though I know I’ve tried, it wasn’t that much,
for all I have loved, they all go away
I’m addicted to life, but I cannot stay
And those that have found, a poor substitute, I’m easy love and easy to lose
I’ve given you up, I’ve lost all my fear,
I’m walking alone, walking on by,
I’m looking for love not like I’ve known,
it’s all that I need and all that I’ve sown,
4beat pause
perhaps it’s too late, my time has since flown
I’m easy to love and easy to use, easy to have and easy to lose
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Connected unconnected
When we reduce other people to sensation
to what makes us feel good
we reduce our own humanity
We may be just puzzle pieces
lost and alone
looking for where we fit
but that’s no reason
to slip in-to, hedonistic glut
This is not a rant against pleasure but rather one against taking
we’ve been fucking so long we forgot about love making
About elevating
I’m not saying that pure pleasure in the moment is wrong but most days it does not feel right
It’s empty
And when we become empty for so long we look for anything to fill us
to make us feel accepted
Because we have forgotten what being loved felt like
Act in the service of love and painful as the mounting losses may be
you’ll always be free
of regret at least
There may not be a heaven
but there is surely a hell
because we create it here in our ongoing search for a pleasure that fills us
Our minds should be our faiths
we’re always looking for a way out when we should be following the path in
We take what we want
but taking makes wanting
until we fill ourselves with Prada and prizes
flush with money we chase the one dragon we know we can catch and that feeling fills us up for a time
but it’s still there that ache to be full on waking
that second time is never as real as the first
we become trapped in a hell of our making.
Sex, drugs, and loneliness
dragging down our dreamers all looking for connection but afraid to commit to connect.
We’re above such things
we can disconnect sex from love
free from all rules
but rules are not restriction.
Rules are the freedom to know where the lines are
so you know what you are doing when you cross them
Then it’s three AM and who is this next to me
were they wanting connection or just a slim moment of shared addiction.
Am I the stranger for wanting breakfast?
Pelgris 