The quiet panic of other people sits heavy in the background of a thumping heart
Floating anxiety feels tangible in the afternoon silence
Too cold waiting for the thaw
Waiting for arms to hold
Lost in a hell of without
A winter’s night
And no fire
I have been trying to write for over an hour. For me, that’s a long time. Usually 10-15 minutes and an idea or seed forms.
All I can think about is something I already wrote. Just this mantra, over and over
“This is a broken world.
But You are not broken.”
I may be broke. I may be damaged. But this world has not broken me.
I find this repeating in my head often lately. I find it’s more true today than when I wrote it. It’s like past me was reaching out to future me with a truth that I needed.
This IS a broken world
But I am NOT broken
Blind light beckon through fog
Sounds muffled cries
Last darkness fades as hope withers
Dawn stretches out
Bereft of soft touches
Blood pulse through arteries clanging open
Excitement turned banal
Without love what’s the purpose
Pursuit and climax just dust
One more lonely night
Passed in dreaming
Nothing is real but the grind
Last tears fall
Into the quiet morning
It is first through the dissolution of self which allows us to become truly individual. When we cease seeing through the singular lense of our ego, when those concepts dissolve, we are free to be our truest selves. Both connected to the all, the totality of being, and as a self defined beacon of being. Found at last, without selfish desire. We are allowed behind the scenes and setpieces of physical reality and instead can experience the endless wonder.
But the most important bit, is to come back. To once again inhabit the physical self, limited, but with a knowledge of the possible. It is in the knowledge of the possible that we can begin to see the impact the all.
In the infinite expanse, sentience may not be unique. But you, the individual you. The truly connected and, most importantly, awake dreamer are. You are unique in all the worlds. Each of us is unique in all of the worlds. Don’t see this as platitude. As opiate dreams for the positivity mindful mafia. Instead, hold a truth inside of you.
Carry it with you. Each day you are aware, is a day that you are perfection. The perfection of being singular. Of being all. Each day which is too hard. Too rough. When external life and the demands it places on us for mere existence. When these things drag you away, dream. And remember. You are more than your shell. Than this vehicle of meat and sinew. Revel in being.
You are alive!
No trick of the light
To have a heart full of stars
Grown in reflection to your love
Leave the taste of you on waking
Tongue ache in remembrance
Hands pressed to lips
Savoring a memory of yet to be
Waking in I love you
Mind flying the miles
A promise to keep you
Safe within my arms
As safe as you desire
Waking up every hour
Nightmares playing scenarios through my mind
Drink some water and descend into something so real that waking is relief
Thankful that I am peripheral player in each
But deeper past people I know until I breach some layer
And indelible images which make mock of decency
Play out as if I am a camera lens
Unable to act
Six punctuated hours of sleep
Six different nightmares
There is more sleep in me
But my endurance for nightmares is spent
Love is layered
Built day by day
Until the inevitable bloom of forever
Love is layered
Hurts day by day
Until the inevitable decay of forever
Love is choice
Made with care and deliberation
What we feel may be immutable
But feelings are not love
They are but a single layer
It is in the accumulation
In the choice
Where truth lives
And I write of love because we are so distant now
Steeped in love
But so far away
It’s a pain that grows
Briefly assuaged by words on the screen
And the need which gnaws at the
I’m getting super stressed. Not because of the quarantine. I’ve adjusted to that. Gotten used to working from home in a t-shirt. Prior to this, outside of gym workouts, I haven’t worn a t-shirt in literal years. I’m comfortable. If I’m having a bad time of it, I go and hang out with my cat. I go outside and just soak up the sun.
I don’t have any of the social interaction stress. I don’t have to put on a false front. I don’t lose 2 hours a day to driving to and from work. I get more work done. I enjoy my work more.
But they are making us go back into the office. Effective Monday, May 18th. Because Americans are idiots. Because “the economy” is more important than lives. Because they only know how to fight the last war. Because politicians care more about their electability than the people they are supposed to be advocates for. And because corporations only care about the appearance of what is right and not the actuality of what is right.
So I’m stressed and not sleeping. I finally crashed Wednesday afternoon and woke up at midnight. Missing my posting deadline.
I hope you are all doing better. But, I’ll be honest, I can’t see how it will be better for a long time.