The slow failure of the great experiment

I’m tired
Tired of being affronted by their lack of compassion
Tired of the blindness they exhibit of their own hypocrisy
I’d prefer it of they were cynical in their reasoning rather than impassioned
Because at least then they would know that they are manipulating their reality
At least then they would know that what they do is to further their goals without regard to the human cost
Instead we have individuals who on any given day would be giving to charity and being kind
All the while frothing at the mouth over some perceived injustice where someone who is has less than them somehow makes them impoverished
As if the poor have some kind of leg up because they are getting help
Meanwhile they have figured out how to never pay taxes. So that their money doesn’t help anyone but themselves. So that they can keep crying that other people who don’t deserve it are getting ‘free’ things.
Its sickening and like watching the corruption of the human spirit in real time and I just don’t have the strength to be outraged.
I’m disappointed.
I wish humanity had not shown how thoroughly it has failed. How this nation has failed.
But there’s nothing left but the too tired flailing of someone without power begging for people to care
Even as my own capacity wanes

Wind moves the tag on a pillow out the corner of my eye

My eye is drawn to movement and in movement I an free
In chaotic acts I am action and decisions
But in the quiet normal, that time in the calm which stills but is not still
In that time I am uneasy
My blood moves under my skin and I feel my heart beating
Open my mouth and hear the heart valves opening and closing
In the extremes of chaos and true calm
Whether in the heat of tumult or in the quiet where the world itself seems to pause
In those moments I am simply myself
And I am enough
And feel competent, complete,
And it’s so easy to live for those moments
But they fade and are gone so quickly
How can you live for what are just minutes in a lifetime?
Instead, I force myself to be
To try to see the chaotic spin and the terrible silence
In the normal day of going to work
Of going to meetings
Of just simple life
Because lifes too long to live for the thrill
And too short by far to wait for it all to be still

Thoughts on a mind in a broken world

Is it weird to miss that heightened state of alertness? That paranoid hyper vigilance which comes from trauma?
Because, I miss it. It was the one thing that made me feel power over my anxiety and depression. The thought being, at least I can see what others can’t. Can know what others don’t. Be aware of the world in a way that few are.

I know why I lost it. I spent alot of effort to no longer be constantly aware of every little thing. And I’m not saying it’s gone completely. When my anxiety flares or when I’m in a genuinely unknown or scary situation its back. But in my day to day, its gone.

But still, is it weird to miss one of the things which defined you? Which you used in proactive ways? Even if it was harmful overall.

It may be odd. It may just be human nature. To miss what was, even if what was, was harmful.

Last caul of innocence

His lips pressed themselves against the back of my neck. Reassuring me of his presence, while I stood quivering in anger. In rage. In sadness. In loss.
I’d made a choice which I’d refrained from all these years. One last group to come out to.

I stood on that wood porch with the steel door which kept out the outside world. Silence from inside. Silence when normally that door rang with the intolerant television rants of the far right talking heads. That door I’d never again enter while my parents live. That door where I grew up. Where they grew closed. Grew religious. Grew delusional. Grew hatred in hearts I remembered, until this point, as kind.

He pulled me away. Back to our car. My heart breaking. Lips quivering. Tears blurring my vision.
One last walk down the sidewalk, past the low brick walls where cats who I knew all the names of, looked on. Not knowing this is the last we’d see each other.

Oscar, a black and white cat, older and with arthritis in his hips, bumped against me. One last hello, One last goodbye.

Missed a post deadline

The nicest thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself for the missing of deadlines. Forgive and try to do better. Because once you have failed at something you’ve set out to do, it’s too late. That iteration has failed and all you can do is move forward. It’s trite but still true.

I know I’ve been missing a few of these. My brain feels empty. My heart placid. Without the roil, without the sturm and drang, without the churn, it’s hard to write anything. I miss the passion. The surety of purpose. The faith in hunanity.

Thin flash of blue before the light goes out

When we have strived for so long without forward momentum, there must come a time of reflection. A time to reevaluate goals. Part of this process must be the deep examination of motivation towards your goal coupled with the cost of achieving that goal. Because, make no mistake, there is always a cost.

And if the cost is more than you are willing to pay, then a course correction, however minor, is in order. It’s not necessary to tear or break anything. But it neccesary that kindness and honesty be the rule. We owe, at least to ourselves these traits. Even to an enemy or opponent, these are owed. Even if the action is dire, honesty and kindness can play a role.

It should be acknowledged that these twin virtues are for yourself. In acting on a course correction it is easy to hurt or cause hurt. If you move with kindness, you will know that it is the least amount of change needed to make your change and to cause the least damage. If you move with honesty, then you will know that the action was neccesary.

And the neccesary thing is the hardest ethic to adhere to.

A dog named Snuffles

We all leave the lives we’ve led for our own reasons.
Sometimes, it’s the only thing we can do to give ourselves a chance for a better life. Sometimes it’s to persue a happier path. And sometimes, it’s just time.

All in all, it’s best to just go. Life isn’t waiting on your decision. It’s rolling along without you. And while waiting may position you better. Especially if you are young. The sooner you take the path that puts the decisions, no matter how hard or unhappy or lonely you feel, into your hands alone…the better off you’ll be.

You can’t move forward with all the things you desire if you yourself is trapped in your own life.