I hate that everything present me wants is predicated on the plans past me was able execute and stick with.
That what I’m working towards could crest the horizon but because I started fixing my situation late, or stopped fixing it due to circumstances, or sort of half way did it while in other areas continued to work towards the goal without surcease, because of that, I might not be one hundred percent ready
And doesn’t that just kick my anxiety into high gear?
What can be done?
Stop half assing it. Start what I can. Hope that it’s enough. Best I can do.
In February, I stopped looking for love. I’d felt like I’d been through the relationship wars and just needed a rest. And they say that when you stop looking that’s when it finds you which I’ve always believed to be bullshit. But like lightning strike, I was hit, bowled over. And I thought maybe I was wrong. She said to me the one thing that melts all my defenses instantly. The think that fucks with my rational thinking. The thing that bypasses my mind and goes straight to my heart. I leapt over the precipice, knowing full well the likelihood of being caught. But she seemed to catch me. I’d like to think that for 2 weeks we were happy because the universe intervened. As it always seems to. I’m probably engaging in me centered thinking but every time I get close to having what I have been wanting, something intervenes and snatches them away from me. Almost always, some health related thing happens to the people I love. I don’t do anything to cause this, it’s not some fucked up self sabotage. But 4 people I love end up in hospital beds in the course of a year? Each time when we start getting past the preliminaries and begin to move in earnest. That’s too much for coincidence. It leads me to believe that I’m being messed with on a cosmic Greek gods capricious level. Or I am in a hell, where the one thing I desire is offered again and again and when it’s just within my grasp, they disappear like smoke. There are those that believe that the universe provides. I find that I and the universe seem to have a more adversarial role.