It’s 4 AM thinking

In February, I stopped looking for love. I’d felt like I’d been through the relationship wars and just needed a rest. And they say that when you stop looking that’s when it finds you which I’ve always believed to be bullshit. But like lightning strike, I was hit, bowled over. And I thought maybe I was wrong. She said to me the one thing that melts all my defenses instantly. The think that fucks with my rational thinking. The thing that bypasses my mind and goes straight to my heart. I leapt over the precipice, knowing full well the likelihood of being caught. But she seemed to catch me. I’d like to think that for 2 weeks we were happy because the universe intervened. As it always seems to. I’m probably engaging in me centered thinking but every time I get close to having what I have been wanting, something intervenes and snatches them away from me. Almost always, some health related thing happens to the people I love. I don’t do anything to cause this, it’s not some fucked up self sabotage. But 4 people I love end up in hospital beds in the course of a year? Each time when we start getting past the preliminaries and begin to move in earnest. That’s too much for coincidence. It leads me to believe that I’m being messed with on a cosmic Greek gods capricious level. Or I am in a hell, where the one thing I desire is offered again and again and when it’s just within my grasp, they disappear like smoke. There are those that believe that the universe provides. I find that I and the universe seem to have a more adversarial role.

3 thoughts on “It’s 4 AM thinking

  1. The universe doesn’t judge or care. It gives you what you expect to receive. You believe the universe is adversarial. You believe bad will come. You think about the bad that will come. You reinforce the belief, adding energy to the concept each time it happens. It’s the Law of Attraction. We all do it. The trick is changing what we truly deeply honestly believe. This is what I meant in my “dear universe” post. It provides exactly what I expect it to, and that’s not necessarily at all what I *want* it to. I do believe that what we focus on we create more of, so focusing on “bad stuff always happens” creates more bad stuff. The responsibility lies with us to begin to manifest exactly what we actually want. I don’t see some omniscient being answering letters, but rather I see my powerful energy creating my own reality. When I receive the same things over and over, it’s on me to examine my beliefs and expectations and work to change where I focus my energy.

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    • I would say that in my cosmology, there are forces that judge and care. I believe that bad things happen and that failure to plan for and expect these things is on the individual. But I don’t dwell on those things. I contingency plan, but I don’t dwell. Only in the tumultuous aftermath as I try to recover do I try to ascribe meaning to things that perhaps don’t have meaning. That said, I have experienced too many strange and inexplicable things to discount the bizarre and unlikely. I may place them at a lower order probability, but they are still possible. I do note the trend, 4 people in the last year, within 2 weeks of getting serious, hospital? That is some high grade coincidence. I do believe in magic. (the manipulation of aetheric energies through the use of the imprintation of will on a malleable energy form). Which may be madness, but it’s high functioning crazy.

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    • I am less complete in my writing. Maybe that is where there is confusion. My method has always been to be a bit nonspecific. This allows the reader to project themselves into the role or the speaker and that methodology bleeds into the way I write my thoughts.

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