An artists rendition

Hold up a mirror to face my flaws
Saw you watching me
Quietly in the background
Mirrors show us things we cannot ourselves see
And how can such an image be trusted
It reflects but does it reflect true or
Is our brain trying to fill the edge of space with maybes
I saw you there
Crying in the mirror
No sound
And I turn and you are dust
Each morning
Getting ready
Fogging the mirror with steam
so that I can not see
Until I look and see
That I have become whole
And what I’m missing is you
This is what healing is
Another way of losing you a third time

Nothing stops

The fecund stink of fresh turndown earth
Sweet summer grass spouts green stalks
The soft bud peaks in the still gray of dawn
Fresh air and the slice of cold wind
Lost amidst the summer waves
Soft wind
Warmth of day grows
Heat builds
Secrets whisper
Bones ache with tired
Brain fills with lies that sound like truth
Sleep the only refuge from hopes blade
But still
The heat envelopes
The night closes in
Stars breathe life to darkness
And the moon
Rises

Cold hands press to hot eyes

You trip past my safeguards
Dancing with sway through my eyes
Down neurons
Through nerves
Bursting like bright stars
We touch
Explode in annihilation
Whether in destruction
Or creation
We can’t know
Until the haze fades
Either way

You linger
You exist in me
Vibrant viral
Inseparable
Symbiote or parasite
Can’t tell
But I feel alive

And lost
You’ve stepped away
As lightly as you came
Your energy lingers
Consuming me like fire
Unchecked by your control
Pieces ignite
As they resurface

I burn forever
Haven’t found the extent of corruption
Do I even want to?
Or is it better to let your flames
Ignite me in the knowledge
That for a time
I was desired
And so
May be again
By stranger tongues
Eyes
And touch

Fires rage unchecked

Love burns through
Consuming self
Pain perfect crystalline
Unnoticed until
Caught scintellation
Raw
Unfocused
Burst forth in screams and tears
Heart pulse pounding in ears
Like a caught hummingbird
Gasps of breath
Empty despair
Love burns what it once illuminated
Liminal fire
Raged unchecked
What once created
Forged truth
Built sanctuary
Leaves ash

Love fool

We say that love lasts forever
But that’s not true
It lasts as long as we feed it
As long as the environment we grow it in can sustain it
At best that’s forever, until it breaks our hearts when they die
At worst its when it shatters and we need to run to cover to avoid being caught in the shrapnel

But most it dies slowly, in between. Lack of feeding.
Until all we are left is the hollow echo of the edifice
Filled with fuckups and missed chances
Filled with the haunting laughter and the heart ripping memories of promises made

Love breaks us all
But like fools
The best kind of hopeful beautiful fools
We keep trying
Hoping
Breaking

Grief never fades

Splay me open
Crack my chest
There’s little enough left
A heart in tatters
Each new day cut slivers
Stuck in throat
Flowed out with tears come unbidden
Weaving a false tale of hopes realization
Fantasy without root
Just another sliver
An ache that never ends
Take what blood remains
Chest hollowed out
Filled with burnt ash
An endless well

The only words that want to be written 

There is this moment. When the person you love most slips beyond the grasp of this mortal world. The whole world turns to static. And you react on automatic. And you keep moving like that until you are shocked awake. And sometimes it takes more than one. But eventually you emerge. And all that pain. All that rage and broken shard memories pierces every piece of you. You will spend time. Plucking the shards out. Ripping them out. Until the only thing left is the rage. If you’re lucky, if you can call it luck, you find a way to use the rage. And once it’s gone, you’re empty. And you fill that burned out ashes that you call a life with whatever you can. And, if you’re like me, you burn in your secrets.

But maybe you find a way through. And maybe you start to feel and live again. And this time, this time you will live out loud. You will love and you will speak the truth and you will be the best person you can be. And this time, maybe….this time…maybe this time you’ll be in time. Maybe this time you’ll say the right words. Maybe this time, you’ll be enough. Maybe….

How oblivion plays, Extended

Sometimes everything I’ve ever lost comes crashing down and I’m left with this hard physical pain in my heart. It’s not a heart attack. My heart is literally breaking. I wake up from a dead sleep crying with this overwhelming feeling that someone I love is gone and I frantically check to make sure that they are alive and then I realize that it’s her. Morgan. My Morrigan. She’s who is gone. It’s like losing her all over again, but there’s a calming effect too. One that I think I should feel guilty about but only because I don’t. Because, if the feeling is my Morgan being dead, that means it’s not some awful premonition of someone I love, who was just alive, now being dead.

It’s possible it’s an anxiety attack. I tend to only get them when I sleep. The trigger is generally some feeling I’ve been dealing with in the waking world come spilling out past all my defenses.

This happens all the time. I get to the point where I find hope to be pointless. Something gives me my hope back only to shortly thereafter crush it like a bug on a windshield. Like the universe is one massive simulation and I drew the short straw. I don’t know why the moment that I am free and happy something beautiful happens, something beautiful that always falters and leaves me broken in its wake.

I heal faster these days. I learn. I progress. But, I still wish someone would stay. Would embrace me as I embrace them.

Fall is good thinking weather

I hate going slow. In a relationship, I should clarify. I know I should learn to deal with it and I’ve really gotten much better about it. And I should clarify again that I consider any interaction that involves deep conversation a relationship. In the sense of growing levels of interconnectivity as the interactions spiderweb and one becomes enmeshed. I like the enmeshing portion, it’s what tells me that we, whether it be a friend relationship or a romantic relationship that this might last. If I’m important enough to make the acquaintance of friends or family then the relationship seems more stable to me. And stability and clarity is important to me. Better to start exploring the possible from a stable framework. A friend told me that she expected that from me. That I would want to be certain in my speech and make sure that I am well understood because I am a Dominant. I suppose I never thought of that. Because when you swim in the sea, you don’t really think about the water. But she’s right. If we understand each other we can be comfortable. If we are comfortable, we can explore and be the best version of ourselves easier.
But still, I hate going slow. Even though I know it’s a more stable path. I’ve lost too many people to sudden things. Not just Morgan, but other people too. That makes me feel rushed. But I need to take a breathe and slow down. Very few people feel comfortable with fast, and if they do, many see fast as temporary.