Prattling on about loss and life(belittling what I feel because talking about it makes me uncomfortable)

I want to talk a bit, briefly, about loss. Specifically the loss of a not only someone you love, but also someone who made you feel as if you were worthy of love. I think that’s what people miss when they hear that my Morgan was killed. They get that I loved her, but they don’t understand that prior to that, I had never felt completely accepted. I had not felt what I term as love. Not just a feeling but the seeing of who a person is, the accepting of who that person is, the knowing that they have your back. To me that is fealty, a bidirectional exchange of the thought and deed that this person, this person has my complete support. Maybe that’s a strange concept, or not something that most would conceptualize as love. Personally, I keep my word. And I am very careful at how I word things. Because, If I give my word, I am bound to it. Lie, my entire identity is bound up in it. So to break my word, would be to break this self-image I have of myself. And maybe, it’s an artificial construct, some framework I’ve built in the hopes of being this better man that I believe I was not. But that just makes it more frightening to me, because I know how I was pre-Morgan. If I were to somehow lose myself now, to the point where I become what I was then, I would literally be a different person. my whole personality and outlook would be different.

That is who she was to me. Not just the person I loved, not just the person who saw and loved me, but also the person who began to change who I was. Who allowed this man who sees his road as one of honor, maybe not honor in the chivalric sense, but honor nonetheless. Not through her direct actions, but by being someone who I wanted to change for, needed to change for.

And then she died. Was ripped from me. and I lost it. I literally have almost no recollection of the following years. Bit and pieces. Drips and drabs. But it was like a fugue state. I didn’t feel alive in it. Like a ghost in the world. An angry one. People who know me in that time, think of me now as cruel and mean. And rightly so.

So after that time, I came, not out of the state but realized I was in one. If that makes sense? So I tried to crack out of it. Like it was a stone egg around my heart. And I didn’t do anything healthy to do that. I wasn’t in a place where I could judge what was healthy and what wasn’t. I’m very surprised I lived through it.

No surprise, it took someone else who saw me, knew me, and took the care to break me out of the shell. I can’t say he loved me. Because to me, if you love someone, you are willing to sacrifice something for it. And he wasn’t. I’m not saying sacrifice of everything, that’s a pretty tall order, but something. Given his line of work, I don’t think that stopping taking solo work was too much of an ask, but it was to him.

So after him, I began to wake. I say it’s where my life began again.

But to touch on loss again. It’s a process. It took me literally years. Years to get to this point where I no longer cry because of a memory surfacing, now I cry because, as a plot point, they kill off the spouse or the love of someones life to set up a revenge tale. And years to get to the point where it no longer sits heavy on my chest, a weight dragging me back to fugue state.

Everyone is different. But I know that it took someone external to myself, seeing me for who I am, to beak the terrible cycle I was in. Because when you are that deep in despair, you can’t see it. It’s just how you are, what your life is.

When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Touching
Seeing
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
No
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

In our silences, we must all find our own reasons to stay

In the depths
In the dark
Pressure pulling down
Feet covered in muck
Lungs slowly empty
No panic
Accepted endings
Dying by inches
Unseen in the dark

Faces peer down
Passing by
Looking into the water
Seeing only reflection
Smiling

Pushing free
Swimming up
Breaking surface
Breathing in
Forgoing dissolution
…and maybe peace

To spit in their eyes and stand defiant

An artists rendition

Hold up a mirror to face my flaws
Saw you watching me
Quietly in the background
Mirrors show us things we cannot ourselves see
And how can such an image be trusted
It reflects but does it reflect true or
Is our brain trying to fill the edge of space with maybes
I saw you there
Crying in the mirror
No sound
And I turn and you are dust
Each morning
Getting ready
Fogging the mirror with steam
so that I can not see
Until I look and see
That I have become whole
And what I’m missing is you
This is what healing is
Another way of losing you a third time

Nothing stops

The fecund stink of fresh turndown earth
Sweet summer grass spouts green stalks
The soft bud peaks in the still gray of dawn
Fresh air and the slice of cold wind
Lost amidst the summer waves
Soft wind
Warmth of day grows
Heat builds
Secrets whisper
Bones ache with tired
Brain fills with lies that sound like truth
Sleep the only refuge from hopes blade
But still
The heat envelopes
The night closes in
Stars breathe life to darkness
And the moon
Rises

Cold hands press to hot eyes

You trip past my safeguards
Dancing with sway through my eyes
Down neurons
Through nerves
Bursting like bright stars
We touch
Explode in annihilation
Whether in destruction
Or creation
We can’t know
Until the haze fades
Either way

You linger
You exist in me
Vibrant viral
Inseparable
Symbiote or parasite
Can’t tell
But I feel alive

And lost
You’ve stepped away
As lightly as you came
Your energy lingers
Consuming me like fire
Unchecked by your control
Pieces ignite
As they resurface

I burn forever
Haven’t found the extent of corruption
Do I even want to?
Or is it better to let your flames
Ignite me in the knowledge
That for a time
I was desired
And so
May be again
By stranger tongues
Eyes
And touch

Fires rage unchecked

Love burns through
Consuming self
Pain perfect crystalline
Unnoticed until
Caught scintellation
Raw
Unfocused
Burst forth in screams and tears
Heart pulse pounding in ears
Like a caught hummingbird
Gasps of breath
Empty despair
Love burns what it once illuminated
Liminal fire
Raged unchecked
What once created
Forged truth
Built sanctuary
Leaves ash