Just a thought 

Not being able to fall out of love is a hell I’d not wish on anyone. It’s the state I find myself in. It fades but the smallest hint or hope brings it flooding back. The truth is, once I fall, I fall forever. Is it lucky or horrible that I can love multiple people completely? To live torn apart like this, when I am single and to fall again when not. Life is a cruelty. 

Held lightly and with consent

I hate when my people are hurting
I know they aren’t mine mine, despite my desire, but I can’t help how I feel. I want them happy or at least content and I wish I could help other than by just being there. I wish I was allowed to. I wish I could sweep them into my arms and at least hold them. And make sure they know that they are loved. I’m not much for jokes so I can’t give laughter most days, but I can give safety and words of beauty. And actions of care, if I am allowed, though I rarely am.

To linger too long

We all see it looming
The Herald of dawn’s breathe turning
The task undone
The words not spoke
Counterpoint, spoke too much
Our regrets pile on pile
Against Dwindling hopes
Until hope is lost
And only the dull rust of the blade
Thrust haphazard into flesh remains
As well to walk into the sun
Rise or Set
Head high
Choices made
Last turn of the wheel
Made by one’s own hand

An explanation of a poem

I dislike explaining something I’ve written. But, in this case, perhaps I should be clear. 

Take a chance is about actually taking the chance, not about holding oneself apart. I’d rather take the full step is what it means. To have both fully embrace the possibility than to take some half measure or play some game. That means meeting in the first month. That means solid plans for what comes next. I’m a solid advocate for love. Just that if one falls, hopefully the fall is mutual and complete. 

Valentine’s day 19

The problem with planning a day like this is there are always surprises. I completely missed that Tara was not ready to marry us. I didn’t anticipate that she would need comfort for saying no. And I didn’t anticipate having a scene in the car on the drive home. I’m completely exhausted. I don’t think I have another scene in me. At least not for a few hours. But how do I stall is the question.

The ladies are using the bathroom before we start again while I wait. I’ve dragged a stool to the center of the room and sit here pondering the next step. It’s not about sex. Though, for us, that’s a part of it. Maybe I need to bring us back to focus.

I walk into the bedroom. The sounds of our shower drift through the open door. A clear invitation but not what I think is needful, though it makes me smile. My girls are always very happy and considerate. Except when they are angry or sad or upset. They are by no means dolls.

But it’s my job to get them to here, where the world can’t touch us. And they make it so that my anxiety doesn’t spill out and sink me into depression. Because, I can’t think about my darkness when they are in need and by the time they are taken care of and I get a ‘Yes, Sir’ confirmation, all that inner turmoil has gone. Replaced by the deep glow of Dominance float.

For me that means a deep well of calm and light settled below the absolute certainty of control and love. It’s the best feeling in the world. I highly recommend it.

I am browsing through the closet for an outfit for my girls. Something matching perhaps? Or no, something suited to the next task. And despite my current inability to perform, I find myself excited to run my hands across the sweet flesh of Sara and Tara, after all I’m not a robot.

The black silk dress pants and cream blouse for Sara. No panties. I want her to feel the brush of silk over sensitive places.
For Tara, a walking harness made of white soft lace and the pink leash with the silver hearts.

I carry my selections out to the bedroom and lay each item out. Pants first, then blouse, then harness then leash. The anticipation builds in me. Pressure welling in my pelvis. A tightening that strums me like a violin string. Right! Music…

John Coltrane, “A Love Supreme” in its entirety. Perfect. The first strains spill out into the room calling like a siren. Luring my intrepid sailors to shore.

What is most important in this world

Love is
Love is motivation and brightness and light
It is the moon in dark skys
It is the soft enveloping night

To love is to support, to lift up, to create, to desire, to burn. Love is the creation of dreams. It is the constant core. It is the relationship that renews and recreates itself. Respect and joy twine in the heart of love. Compassion and communication, commitment to the goal of each other and the path of acceptance. Flexibility in the face of change.

Love is the core of the world.

Power and lust. Greed and Anger. Lies and fear. These build nothing that last. Nothing that is worth the price of living.

Love is the storm in winter. It is the song that wakes you up. The dream that you hold in your arms. It is everything.

Twirl slow turn

To want for wanting
A simple kiss burned through with needing
Desires unrealized for the dreaming
For who would kiss the flame

It seeks to devour
To transform self and else
But needs a fuel for burning
Having lost all truth itself

Comfort and steady
Steals the hope from our hearts
Holds just enough
Just barely
To keep one foot in front of the other

Forward is the only way to go
Complacent whispers a story of good enough
That in the night rings solemn
A mournful bell slow to wake
False ring and disappointed half smiles

Never quite forgiven
Unable to forget

Just kiss and wake me up
Slow acceptance of a beaten
Beating
Heart