On repeat

I repeat to myself
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die
This litany slithers and drifts
This hope to stop existing
This dream that something
Anything
Will stop my mindless gears from turning
Until the crushing weight of my own words
Set my conscious mind to planning
But it was a lie
I just want the pain to stop
So at least
I’ll stop burying the blade deep in myself
And say
I am loved
Even if it probably isn’t true

Reckless healer

I miss romantic love as much as I miss that blissful period when I loved only myself.
A brief time after forgiveness of things beyond my control leading up to the swooping vultures of this guy’s interesting to play with.
Or in thinking that my heart is genuinely filled and cutting it open like a pomegranate to drip seeds down hungry throats.
The pain a substitute for reciprocity
Until, woken I ask for clarification
And
In so doing
Find myself to have been alone
Or instead with pale spectre as companion
Try to shove a heart dripping juice
Never quite full again
Into a chest grown to small
Instead hold in hands
Hoping to find sharing
Or,
At last
For inflammation to cool
The swelling goes down
And fits back in chest
Or to lament that fact
Can’t make you want
More than this distance
To be admired
And loved from
Space removed
So much easier to go quiet
To fade
When I no longer see you
And the blade no longer sinks home with each smile aimed away

Freedom of speech

Freedom of Speech protects you from the government or the law of the land. It means that your speech cannot be restricted by the government. The government cannot imprison, silence, or kill you for speaking.

It does not mean that speaking is without consequences. An employer, especially in a right to work state, can fire you for saying things. This is especially prevalent when your speech runs counter to what they think or if the opinion has a impact on their ability to do business.

Further, while you are exercising your free speech you should expect that others will be exercising theirs as well. Often in counterpoint to your own. Further, if your speech incites strong emotions in your heart, you can expect people to react in the same manner to you.

Freedom of speech does not protect you from your fellow citizens. It only means that if you say that the king or president or ceo or whatever is a fucking idiot, you cannot be subject to imprisonment or worse by the mechanistic cogs of the justice system. You will still be met with resistance from your fellow citizens.

You cannot hide behind freedom of speech and hope that people won’t Judge you or move against you. Speak all you want to but you will be opposed. And if any side chooses to escalate to violence then all involved parties are subject to the justice system. Just because you got clocked while you were exercising your right to speak does not mean that you get to retaliate. All are equally subject to the law. (in theory, in practice we see something else but that doesn’t make it right.)

That is all the logical and legalistic parts of me trying to reason with people.

The other parts are saying, if you stand with, condone, take the side of, or otherwise sympathize,  for any reason,  with fucking Nazis then you should be fucking clocked. You should lose business. You should be put on the horns of public scrutiny and your whole life turned upside down. You cast your lot in with them and you are accepting the consequences of your choice.

Welcome to what Freedom of speech really means.

Valentine’s day 18-Sara

Spent and more than a little sore, I wake from my drowse. The car has stopped and through the windows our house sits invitingly.

We are tangled together in a sweaty sleepy pile. Pel has snuggled his face into my hair and is cupping my right breast. His breathe lifts his chest in long slow draughts. Craning my neck and peering behind, I see Tara is entwined with Pel. Holding him as close to her, skin to skin, as much as possible. Outside, Jen waits patiently in the afternoons soft heat.

I shift my weight to grab a moist towlette and feel Pel go rigid. He has long since become something of a manager but in his business it pays to be alert even in sleep. I wish sometimes he had stayed in the safe corporate job he took early in our relationship but, after that night, he just couldn’t keep up the facade.

“It looks like we are home,” Pel murmurs sleepily. He scoots over and softly kisses Tara until her eyes flutter open. For a split second you can see the panic in her eyes, then they close half lidded as she sinks into the kiss.

Pel. He’s been with us multiple times today but still his ardor is not dimmed. Instead, it seems to be stoked to full flame. A small smile grows on my face and I quickly clean up.

I slip back into my dress and am just replacing holster and jacket when I hear them break apart, gasping for air. I roll my eyes a bit but the truth is I’ve been on the receiving end of one of those kisses and they are worth a bit of gasping.

Looking over I see Pel zipping his pants and slipping on his shoes, his socks lost somewhere in the back of the limo. Tara has already wiggled back into her dress. And we’re ready to go. I’m fairly sure that the neighbors know something of what goes on but there is no need to throw it in their faces, as two naked women and a half dressed man would definitely do.

I rap on the window and Jen pulls open the door. Jen is the head of Pel’s security detail and his driver. I have no doubt she saw more than a little of what we were doing. Something that adds a exhibitionist spice to it all. But she is quite happy with her wife Elizabeth and, despite an open offer, has never been less than professional.

She offers a hand, which I’m happy to accept, and she helps me out. These heels make it hard to get out on my own. Meeting her eyes a little wickedly, I know that I’ve flashed her a bit. Her slight upturn smile tells me that. But if this kind of thing upsets her, she never would have lasted as Pel’s driver for long.

Reoccurring hope

I find myself thinking about you.
And, of an instant, the flash as you are in my arms and I’m kissing you
Lips pressing and holding the words left unsaid
Tongue slipping against tongue
like a dam breaking
The torrent
the flood of might have been collapsing down to this moment
where our choice is each other
and a fierce joy for each future minute
we will face unafraid
Secure in the knowledge
that we will face it together.

A step away

I would dance a thousand lives
Swallow a thousand lies
But I’ll never be with you

The river carves
While we while the time away
Hoping for healing voice
But finding our paths to tragedy

Sin in hopeful tone
Long buried beneath
Traverse travails
Perhaps,  a chance
But
I am lost in the echo

Of remembering