Conversation to the vulnerable

Love is not a cure all. It can’t paper over pain. Or fix what is broken. It can’t be the only thing in a relationship. Those tender quiet moments you share together, where love is allowed to be. Those are glorious. They lift you up. Make you whole.

But afterwards, at the breakfast table. Their casual cruelty. The silence. The important things you seek to share pissed on. Treated as less, for the sake of their ego. For the sake of their wounds.
Those few moments of feeling love. They are not enough.

Love can break barriers. It can shatter shells. It can make someone better. But they must choose that. They must use love as a place of strength to be more. To embrace vulnerability because in love they are safe.

It’s hard when you know the love is real. But who your partner is, is no partner. They think only of their pain. Their hurts. Their fear. And they dress it up as wrongs you’ve done. They have to be right, even when they are wrong. They have to dominate even when they display every reason they cannot be trusted.

Those moments when they are sorry. When they promise to never do it again. When they are so sweet. Those are the lies. The only real apology is changed behavior. And hard as it is, especially when you are vulnerable. When you are isolated. When you have abandoned friends for this relationship. When you have cut off family. When you are financially dependent. Even then, you must know.

Love is not enough.

And you deserve a relationship that gives strength.
That builds upon itself. And brings joy just by being.
It’s possible. If you build it. But…

Not with them. If they choose their anger, their fear. If they choose their trauma. Their pain. You can only show them that they are safe to heal. You can’t force them. And you can’t be their punching bag. Physical or mental.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to walk away. To be afraid. Of the maybe one day. Of how they might react. Because that’s what they do. They build a cage of fear. They enforce that fear with sudden and irrational violence. Then they promise never again. It may even last for a while. But they are just biding their time.

You deserve better than a cage of fear. A life of violence. Of lies.

It’s hard. It’s scary. But eventually they will go too far. They will break you. Kill you. Destroy your sense of self. And you deserve better than that. Your life is worth more than that.

You can be strong enough to do this. You can lean on old friends. Maybe old family. They likely don’t know what is happening. That person they were in the beginning, that joy and kindness you felt. That’s all they know. Tell them. If they support you lean on them. If they express doubt, believe their lies. Walk away from those. Don’t try to convince them. They aren’t real friends. The same for family.

Rebuild your network. And reach out to trauma centers and hotlines. Even emergency rooms. Firefighters, but not cops. The high level of domestic violence in the cop world has normalized trauma. They cannot be helpful when they are tacit offenders themselves.

You are not alone. You can do this. You can be safe. You deserve more than this.

The beginning of the fall

I’m afraid. That’s hard to admit. I’m not a person that admits to fear. That allows fear to gain a foothold in my actions.

But, I must be honest. I’m afraid. My country is disintegrating. The bonds which held us together have frayed. The truths we thought of as a steady progression towards freedom came to a tipping point. One where our nation had a choice. A choice to make a decision to support the people it was killing. To support the lives of its citizens. To move the country forward in its goal of freedom.

And instead, it decided to embrace the killers. To see the behavior of the people who were hired enforce our laws and applaud their efforts to subvert those laws. To drape themselves in fear and make themselves into a protection racket.

I say protection racket because their negotiation tactic is to threaten the cities and states that they work for. To no longer protect citizens in their areas, but still draw paychecks. To sit in their clubhouses and watch as the world burns.

But, that tactic must be seen as what it is. Fear mongering. Pure and simple. Because the fact is, the function of the police is not to protect the citizens. It is not to serve the citizens. It is to enforce the laws of the state and government to which they are employed.

They protect and serve only themselves and the state. In that order. And when confronted with their consistent and quantifiable history of injustice and murder, they threaten and hide. They lie and engage in brutal behavior which breaches all standards of warfare.(but to which they are not held accountable, because cops are not soldiers. It was never conceived that so called enforcers of the public good would become war criminals)

And instead of the federal government stepping in to work against this injustice. Which is how this is supposed to work(the federal government can cease support for local law enforcement and impose stringent sanctions on behavior to force local law enforcement to change should local structures of government fail to do so. Since the citizens of local municipalities are also citizens of the country as well and since local law enforcement receives support and federal funding). Instead of that, they have pulled in federal officers who work in fields with no actual training in crowd control or self control and employ them as bully boys and brownshirts. Under the guidance that they are protecting federal property. Which is tough to do when you are wandering the streets blocks away from any federal property.

They have begun arresting people without probable cause. And that should scare the shit out of you. Without that requirement of probable cause, you can be arrested for anything. For disagreeing with the local government. For being the “wrong” faith. For having the “wrong” skin. For anything. And those arrests will lead to charges. Trumped up charges. Pun fully intended.

Our local governments are trying to fight this legally. But they must do so in the federal system which is the ones sending these walking violations to the constitution. Which is like fighting a war with your teeth. These judges are federal appointees. Which means that they are beholden to the federal government for their livelihood. They are as much hostages as they are collaborators.

It is your legal duty to question and disobey any order which is illegal. Moreover, it is your moral obligation to the citizens of the United States which should override any order or command you are given. And yet there are still people who are following these orders which will be proven to be unlawful. And make no mistake, however this shakes out. There will be a price to pay for following these illegal orders.

Things are being pushed past nonviolent protests. Being pushed to not allow nonviolent revolution. And when that happens, violent revolution is the only recourse.

I am afraid. But fear only pushes you so far. And once you are done, your only options are to fight or cower. I hope I make the right decision.
And I hope all of you do as well.

Slow steady pulse

Slow steady buzz
Hum of warm
Of full belly
Quiet

The eyes close
Tongue stops twisting
Breathe comes steady
The calm of contentment

A world without the highs and lows
Without the spark of rage
Without the forest fire of desire
Without the dogged depression
So sure of the rightness of death

This the aspiration of structure
Of productive member of society

Who seeks distraction
Idolation of the glamorous
Looks to borrow glory from the talented
So that for just a few minutes
They feel
……
Something
Something greater than the background hum
Of lost tomorrows
And glorified yesterdays

Desolving dissolution

Time gets away from me more often these days
These vague thoughts lead to vague deeds
Which, inevitably, lead to a failure of the spirit
It’s far to easy to be kind
To allow things to slip
To let them keep slipping
Until, at last, what you are left with is a series of broken promises
Indeed, that must be how it starts

The failure of of one small corner ideal
Becomes the compromise which opens the door to the next
Until you have sacrificed everything you are
Everything you purport to believe in
For the sake of the comfort
The convenience of settling

It not a failure of faith
You whisper
It’s not a betrayal of your core
It’s just a bit easier
And don’t you deserve a little easy in these broken times…

I wish I could say that I haven’t done this but we all know that I have. However, when a compromise becomes a apology, and the apology leads to nothing
It is then that you know that you have broken promises
The most important ones
The promises made you your self
The ones you swore to adhere to
The ones that make you who you choose to be

Let these small warnings serve
And turn away from the easy
Destruction of self is never worth the price
Even when the doing
Feels so good

Minor chords ring somber, cutting, but true

I would shape the world for her but I have lost my chisel and I don’t know how to dance
A song plays in the distance half remembered
A tune made for embrace
Mist whispers asking for one more minute
One last twirl across the faded turf
The stone looms and I can only look up forlorn
A place to stand all I asked for
Thinking myself strong enough to forge the lever
By will and bone
In this empty mist morning
I can only regret
Hope falls
Heavy droplets
Crying out of the still dawn sky
Only
I find myself dry
Without tether
Heart aching
Wondering if I the faith I feel I’ve lost
Is a faith in a greater good
Or the pain
Of your faith
Lost in me

Beyond the edges, in filigree

I’ve waited in the dark
Lurking
Eyes strained
Sleep deprived and wired
Sipping coffee
Waiting for
Something to bring out light
Waited so long
That light itself was foreign
Suspect
That people could live in that place and not know its inevitable destruction
That the bright light was just the soft underbelly of the darkness
Darkness to make you strong
To feast on pain
To become inured to it
To seek it out
To wake
And in a moment of clarity
A moment of breathe which came so rarely
Its presence was pleasure itself
Realize that waiting is giving up
And drag yourself up out of the darkness to live as an alien in the bright world
Because you’ve been changed
Because you can’t see the simple without looking for its opposite
Because you are infused in darkness and whatever you think and do is just a step away from
That place
That cavern
That prison
You once called shelter

Beyond the shores of Lethe

Sleep is the one thing in this world which seems genuinely good anymore
And it’s not that there are not elements of the waking world which I love
Rather it is the ecosystem of everything which surrounds us which is so perverse and broken that only in sleep do I feel free

I slide into bed and cool sheets greet me
The most comfortable pillow I’ve ever owned
Which I bought from a small local shop which I hope weathers this storm
Because I also get my beds from them
Beds that are called insidious
Because they are deceptively comfortable and lure you into deep sleep
I pull the blanket given to me by the woman I love across me, snuggling down in her distant embrace
And I slip from this abomination of a world into another
Perhaps just my own mind
Or perhaps a shard reality made real only for me
Still, sleep takes in another lost soul
Hoping that dreams become refuge for a weary heart
And when I wake
It is always with reluctance
For dreams and sleep
Is the last refuge we have