Tell me your secrets ‘ere I’m gone

Those glances you’ll never know the cause of
Those whispers you’ll never know the content of
Whips and chains
Driving us to inevitable conclusions in a me centric world
When reality
Real talk
People don’t give a fuck
Those whispers aren’t about you
Those glances are caused by movement out the corner of the eye and evolutionary biases
But we all clamor to be the center of the world even if that attention we get is negative
A justification for our actions
For our selfish acts
When all that’s needed is that moment of freedom that persists between obligations
That moment of acceptance when they smile and you feel that warm down to your toes and along your spine
But we keep persuing those unreachable goals not out of desire but from empty drive
To reach heights that others cannot and look down knowing you are triumphant
And empty
Such goals that feed only the jones’ only work for the heart blind fools and the slipshod illness of ego
But still we all want a little something we don’t have
Thinking it’s acquisition will fill some void
Feeding folded paper as if it were wood to the soft flames
Feeling empty and needing one more pill, one more drink, one more Coach bag, one more
Until nothing is enough
Not even food
Not even love
It all pales beside that addiction
Words flee the press of day
All hopes drain out
Until we break
And give up on the old
And start a new life
Inhabiting an old shell
But we are never the same
And old roads can never be tread
The future calls
And the endless possible
Free from more ambition than a beautiful breath
Calls out
Choices to be made

Hands reaching out, seeing with eyes and wants, No love, no peace, no pathway bright and shining

You see these pictures of pretty
Wondering what works
What’s petty
Wondering how to get to that beauty
Wanting a taste without mercy
Never wandering in the mind about
The journey
Between waking to this yearning
That shapes a soul into pretty
What sacrifices to the dark gods of
Hunger, of
Hurting, of
Never being quite enough
One more run
One more set
One more murky, dubious concoction
So healthy
You state your desire like it’s worth this path paved in blood
Like you deserve the barren fruits of this
Toil, this labor
You think only to eat the fruit
And tasting its flavor walk away
One more taster
Never working hard enough to savour
The seeds lie at the heart
No saviors
Waking from freedom
This salivating pulsating driver
Slaver
Making fools feel free
To make ignorance in favor
Last flavor
Poison memories
No puppet me
Breaking free
Bound on the ferris wheel
Tied to the carnivale
One more turn
Pretty, they hold their hands to their mouths
Like they can taste what painful route travels through the veins
Mistaking the grimace for pleasure
The gasps and breathless groans for desire
And always thinking, so pretty
They can’t see
Blind to beginnings
Blind to the journey
They take
And take
and take
Until
Whats left?

Disjointed connections in a lonely mind

You could be outside my door, dropping all kinds of hints but I’ll never grasp them
We could be flirting
Back and forth
Right on the verge of explicit
And still
I’ll doubt your interest

I think the reason I throw myself so hard into love is because I know that life doesn’t last
And it makes people who date me rethink being with me
In some cases, it makes them go back to the safety of what they know.
In others, it makes them realize that intense love isn’t what they want
And in others…I don’t know
They just leave without explanation

So I don’t see because I doubt
And they don’t stay because of my hearts certainty

I’ll admit to fear
And not knowing
And I wish I was more comfortable with new

I may be clumsy at the beginning
But stay
Stay
I promise
My love is not a cage

Bit of mustard, spot of mutton

Those seconds we spend
Lost in the shadows of knowing
The pain of tomorrow
Those waves of future eroding the shore of now
Ocean depositing sand
Taking away is
Leaving might be
No way forward to a future
All roads obscured
Dancing on turned ankles
Entangled in webs
Cutting free for the fall
No safety but for the missing touch of hand
Absent smiles
Leaf flies
Not knowing its ending
But it soars

What twists, what turns, what burns, what knows

I want you filled with me, consumed by my will, by your shame and pleasure. Knowing that I will take care of you in all the ways you dream about in your dark heart. Knowing that at times I will break you with kindness and love even as I bruise you and blood you as your deep desires twist and beg for. You are mine. Wake every day knowing that you are owned. That you are desired. That there is someone who is willing to burn and be burned in the pyre of you. Do not despair of my kindness. Of my deep well of love. Think not of only the soft and light that I speak of. That of my actions to care for you. Remember, that until you give explicit consent, the beast of me is shackled. But know, it waits, it sees you and we hunger.

If we but raise voice to sing, we choose to gain entire worlds

There where darkness pools and love is no mystery
To waste what magic brings in heart
In loves embrace
And sitting hollow in crook of arms
Fleshly needs sated while I become empty
What malice I must bear to self to inflict this terror
In hopes of finding truth in the simple kiss
What err
What folly to embrace death after death
Looking for a way home when it was ever in your arms
This life so fleeting without ears to hear your song
Or am I struck deaf and faint whisper only draws forward
Choice and choose and you to see what love is
In my pain and blood
Turn back and hold what is known
And I but to memory
And kind thoughts of aid to see
And still
I sit alone and empty
Singing out
Hear me
And know love

Half heard sensation of a leaf falling in a rainstorm

I have things I want to say but they all feel like a remix rehash of conversations held before. Like being tired isn’t new and being alone isn’t new. Waking up and going to work. Being in love, the constant state of my being. Wondering about maybes and wondering about other shoes and planning actions and reading books and reading poetry and it’s all the same.

The constant drips of a life flowing away.
The minutes spent with a pet. The enforced perspective of now.

Not having anything to say except all the things I’ve said.
I’m sure there are stories I’ve not told and memories I’ve not shared. They just seem so far away. And very few want a dissertation on mannerisms and choices as informed by sociological pressures which become psychological norms by stint of being accepted practices.

Or to hear why a single brick of c4 would never create such a huge explosion no matter how many detonators you pushed into it(not withstanding the complete lack of electrical signal to said detonators)

I suppose this is the unfortunate circumstance where you want to talk but have no one whose as weird as you are or who loves you enough to listen to you being weird at four in the morning.

Life isn’t what we portray it as. Sometimes, the closest you can get to a person is to hear their oddball ideas and observations and bounce your own back and that’s enough.

And other times…you need to hold someone and tell them it will be ok. Not just for them but because we all need to hear that too.

Breathing too heavy air scraping shallow scars

Twisted fingers entwined through time
Dancing dreams scream the bereft
Last chance echoes slip behind curtain
Called by your voice
Accent makes me climb the walls
Prisoner of our times
Deliberate voice raised in song
Unheard in distance
Wistful by the wishful
Care for the casket
Drum beats exhorting abandon
Too still to be seen
Control gives in to silence
Weeping hearts begging to be loosed
Never was a simple thing
Love which beats wings against cages
Saline trails through grimes soaked skin
Wishing tears were bullets
Watching the disintegration
Loosed arrow
No missive massive enough to wake the lobotimized
Asleep by choice
Stress flakes away hard won demilitarized zone
Refuge in your arms
Head on my shoulder
Old habits waking
Muscle memory creeks hoping its recall is sound
Torn

And base truth
That all I want is you in my arms
Your voice speaking truths in my ear
Our hearts beating faster
Safe
And loved.

Caramel to the tongue still hinting of spice

No bold blue yields its colors to the snap and wave of soft hands
Lost where softness breaks harsh words
Structures flake away yielding bare steel
Heat bending light to sinister purpose

Noises hinting distance
Wistful with haunted lungs
Wanted by the tracery
Feel blood course through capillary shunt
Sweet songs sung to unfinished completion

And I
And you
And choosing

Tapped out juggernaut

wish I could turn off my brain
turn it off and just be happy
turn it off and just remember
turn it off and just be

instead I dull it
break it
sleep away my time
passing away
as if time wasn’t all that I owned
and these thoughts that just won’t shut off

wish I didn’t read a thousand interpretations in a silence
in a smile
in a phrase

learned paranoia becomes just paranoid
taught myself to see all the angles
now I see right angles in circles
and I just want it to stop

and when I’m better
and when your there
I feel like I’m normal
like I got it mostly handled
and who are those people who feel like this
every day

who don’t see a cliff and for just a quarter of a second think about jumping
who don’t lose relationships because they second guess themselves until their person wonders why they aren’t second guessing too
who don’t work themselves into such stress that they lose sleep

who don’t find themselves awake at four am, yearning

But that’s not gonna be me
I’m the broken brain and broken heart
But not about you
just some weeks are harder than others
and I don’t know how to say it’ll be ok while I’m being not ok and just want to be held
but that can’t happen cause I’m supposed to be the strong one
the dominant
can’t show weakness though I’m riddled with holes
holes papered over but still bleeding
Never fully healed
but sometimes fully functioning

hard to know when to start talking
and never have I known when to stop