Risk, maybe this reality

Shaped tendrils reach out snapping
Disturbed maelstrom whir
Each idea more toxic than the last
Flying apart
“Hold it together”
The long road
Each cautious step
Little by little
Against my nature
Made worthwhile
by the sound of your voice
Fighting, fighting to keep from jumping
Flying apart
“Keep it together”
I don’t know how we end
… I hope that we don’t.

Thoughts on relationship hopes

I have two scenarios in mind when I am with someone. There is the ideal. Which is that we are together and spend our lives in the band between content and happy. We express our love out loud and without reservation. We are words and deeds and compromise. I have no illusions that we won’t fight. But I hope we can get through the fights with grace. And find peace and passion in each other. I want the thousand little things that make up a life.

And the second scenario? I hope that we are honest with each other. That we both get what we need, for now. Even if we are not going to be in each other’s lives forever, I hope that we make each other’s lives better while we are. And when it ends I hope we part as friends and not enemies. There is enough pain in endings without adding bitterness and regret.

Truth, too much perhaps

If you find that my words are alluring or poetical verse turns your head, then know that I am not trying to seduce, not trying to entice, not trying to deceive. These words and phrases are who I am. My words are not empty, not pretty playthings. They are promises and truths. I say the things I say, always telling you truth. You do make my heart beat faster. I do dream of you. Sometimes it’s sex and sometimes we hold each other but you are in my dreams. My mind and heart have no short term plans. You are not a game I’m playing. You are someone worth being with. Worth valueing, worth seeing for who you are now not for who you were.

Snuffed out

She stills my heart with the slightest look
Stirring my blood with a grin
Her words warm and light a fire within
But we are never to be

We danced the flame
The illusion
Only you were ever safe
With each step my heart cut to ribbons
To adorn you in my love

Pull away
Dragging the pieces of me out
Last attempt to get a stay
Execution and the pain
Sadly, better than the emptiness of never was

Emotional shotgun: caution edition

I had a hope and that’s where it always goes wrong. There’s no reciprocity in hopes. There is only the expression of individual needs. When that begins to encroach on the reality of the situation, perspective is lost. The cycle of doubt and self recrimination begins.

Something my paramour can stop. But only one ever tried. In trying, she was successful. An acknowledgement that I am as broken as anyone. But I’m always the caregiver. The one paying the compliments. The one seeing who they are and can be.

My friends do that for me. But never the people I hold closest to my heart. My friends are close but I am tentative with them. Because, experience has taught me that I will say the wrong thing and not know it. And they will go away. So I am cautious.

Caution is no way to live.

Hints and traces

I wonder who out in the world feels as I do, just waiting for the spark of conversation. The quiet word or glance that says, “You. I see you. You are who I want.”

I feel like I take those tentative first steps often. And where it leads is mostly to friendship. Generally, because I only meet the people my heart desires after they are taken. And that’s OK. I accept what is.

But I want more. Want it all. Even if it is as the 3rd in a poly (not open) relationship. I wonder the path to that. To that extra step.

Why am I the friend and not the lover. Oddly, I almost think it’s because I am emotionally supportive. Maybe. Because why risk losing that on a relationship that might not work out. But, to my mind, why not risk gaining that in a partner.

I’m just a bit lost right now.

A release of breathe

Her settles me down
As much as I bring comfort
And I’m needful but scared to
Just waiting for yes, you

Her poetry for me
And I for hers
I’ve learned some caution
Not nearly enough

Our touches are innocent
Excepting the maelstrom of desire that fuels them
Our words hidden
And behind our masks, improperly fitted, flash looks and smiles that burn

We are shadows of dancing flame
Shifting, waiting
For your decision
Made behind the walls
Of your prison


Lips brush
eyes wide open
wet pressure building
tongues at war with each other
looking for grace in the abandon of desire
a caress of fingertips across bruised flesh
these impermanent reminders
marking you as mine
each pain a faint echo
pleasures remembered on the end of a lash
the sweet nectar of your voice
and the sweeter gift
of your submission