Stress reactions

In the last week my left eyelid has begun twitching. This has happened before and I thought it was just lack of sleep. But I’ve been sleeping ok. So it’s probably stress.

So what am I stressed about?

I’m not in a relationship. A few friends and maybe’s but nothing solid.

My work is no different than it’s been for 6 months.

So what’s changed?

I think, uncertainty. I’m good with chaos. I can handle it and even excel in it but extend that out for months and add in some emotional shocks and I think we have the recipe for copious stress.

My usual outlets aren’t cutting it. So the stress is starting to take a physical toll in the form of eyes twitches and fatigue.

There’s little to be done beyond what I’m doing. I won’t take medication except in dire need, so that’s out. I guess more meditation is in order. More something.

I don’t know what is possible though. I mean, I want what I always do. But how realistic is that? I mean no one is going to pop out of the ether and say hey, wanna hang out and maybe more?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone because I need to process. Or maybe I just don’t know.

But this eye twitch is really getting on my nerves

Pyrite Kintsugi

Broken is beautiful
Watch me as I put glass to skin
Painting sunsets with my blood
Is this not beautiful
Jagged flower vases filled with roses
Supping on blood as snow melt
Broken is beautiful
Can you not see it in my screams?
Tears patter down and canvas
Raindrops spread watercolor
Watch me dance
Broken doll limbs flail
Shattered and remade
Gold fills the broken
But the vase remembers being whole
Warm without these false spots of cold
Am I not beautiful?

Photonic reoccurrence

She was the reason I took pictures
Mostly I was just as content drinking in the sight without preserving it dead
But for her, I wanted to share this moment
And now all moments have fled

But still,
I take pictures and think of her
Only, now, these moments are filled melancholy
And these dead memories show only the light
Given now
To whomever would watch with me
And maybe
Someday
Hold my hand

Pains recede as hope blooms

Lilies unfold
Dark and cold in still earth
Barren ground
Yet they push up through surface
Crumbling hard packed dirt
Bursting to bloom
See me see me
Tears black with blood
Weep broken onto dying ground
Dying already
They are snipped
Taken
Starving they drink thinly
Mistaking it for life
They bloom anew
Played false
Beauty dies
Only blood
And tears
Remain

Thoughts on vitriolic speech

When we succumb to vitriolic language, we lose credibility in the marketplace of ideas. When one group espouses that all members of another group are inherently of no value, they set up a scenario of escalation by the people who most embody their statement and alienation from those who do not. That alienation has the opposite effect of the intended statement. Statements such as this are intended to highlight a problem and start a discussion but they have the opposite effect. Statements such as this polarize the accused group, causing not disintegration or fracturing but instead causes the majority of that group to, at least initially defend the group or try to differentiate themselves from that grouping.

This then leads to the people saying nay to the hyperbole, which then leads to a demonizing of those that say nay, then leads to anyone who might want to participate in a discussion about it to go silent. Because when all members of a group who have no choice in being that are vilified, outside of people who like to argue, they will see that discussion led to even worse things. And so, silence.

If no one is talking except to shout slogans and hashtags at each other then nothing can be accomplished. No discussion. No sharing of ideas can occur if you force the individual members of the group to acknowledge that you are right before you will speak semirationally with them.

Both sides shouting, no one talking, no progress is made. People want it all fixed, right now. Societies don’t work like that. The idea has to permeate the culture first. And do we want to have a hateful idea permeate a culture. It’s simple to tell if an idea is hateful. Just turn it around. Apply it to yourself and your group. Do you feel affronted? Angry? If someone said that about you would it make you feel good? If not, then you are spreading hate.

Hate is easy and it causes human emotions to flash hot. But it is destruction. Maybe you think to burn it down to rebuild it. But hate breeds more hate until there is no one left to rebuild. Or if there is, it will likely be people who rebel against your hateful ideas. Either way, you don’t accomplish your goal.

It is easy to say no compromises. But that is not how advanced societies function. Dictatorships do. But they don’t last and neither do their policies. One or two human lifetimes is the most you accomplish.
Real forward progress is accomplished by understanding and the slow process of new ideas embedding into youth and age giving way to the youth as policy makers. It’s slow. But it is effective and lasting change.

If you feel the need to fight, fight for someone’s rights. For someone’s life. For each other. Giving into hate creates a situation where things can’t change.

No refuge bought, no solace sold

Sleep comes slowly
It’s raven wings tattered and smoke stained
Wounds ooze blood
It heralds a dreaming
A remembering
Heart racing
The sound of metal stairs
Pounding down

The floor above red spilled
Congealing as the winter heat saps away viscosity
Mistakes made
Lies heard
Believed

In that building
The unquiet dead
I’m sorry my friends
I should have taken better care of you

Annual state of progress

We delude ourselves.
We delude ourselves into believing that there is something there when there is no evidence of it. We do this because it’s something we need.

Lately, I’ve been asking the question. Why do I keep falling so deeply into love in these relationships where distance or emotional availability is primarily a problem?

Distance itself makes it hard. Distance means there is no pheromonal interaction. There is no opportunity for oxytocin bonding. Instead, only words, intellect, and small acts are available. And while that may work for a time, it never works long-term.

Put another way, you can’t kiss a video call or make love to a voice. You can only paint the picture and while that can sustain for a time, eventually you need to be in the same room.

I can read more from 5 minutes with someone from body language and tone of voice than I can from a hundred missives.

On the other side, I have intense emotional relationships who, through circumstances or nature are emotionally unavailable to take that next step.
In many ways, those are worse.

Long distance is a dream that I am well aware of the hazards of. But here and still distant?

My heart and mind can’t seem to let go in those instances.

So why do I keep falling for people who can’t or won’t love me. Either because of distance or other factors? Why do I pick people who I can’t have?

Perhaps, I feel like I am unworthy of love, having failed to protect Morgan. Perhaps, if I’m with someone who is a hundred percent in it with me, my imposter syndrome kicks in and I feel like I’m going to fail and let down the person I love and doing so is anathema. And as such it puts such enormous pressure on, that no relationship could withstand it.

I don’t know. That’s where I am in my headspace now. Trying to understand my choices. Because, I can’t change the minds of those I still love but who’ve moved on without me. But I can change my future choices.

Weighted value judgment

Sounds spill out
No words make sense
Jumbled sounds said with a smile
The laugh
The grin
Comrades in arms
Disappear at the end of the day
Long silences filled with memes
With fake people and their fake problems
Mirror reflecting stoic
While a heart aches
That basic human touch
Long departed
Unshed tears war with skipped heartbeats
Sitting in the restaurant that I can’t afford
Anything to stop from hearing
The ticking of the air conditioning
In these too silent spaces
Without you