Thoughts on physical consciousness

I was talking with someone about my personal cosmology. And in the course of the discussion the topic shifted, tangentially, to specific methodology in meditation.

I said that in order to truly transcend the physical you need to be aware of it completely. I started by asking, “What do you feel right now?”

His answer was vague and imprecise. Not like someone ignorant of the concept but like someone who’s never thought about it.

So I asked, “Tell me what your foot feels right now.” And he looked at me like I was really far out on a limb.

I said, “I feel the fabric of my socks, the material of my shoe, the skin of my Big toe brushing against the toe next to it. I feel the edges of the nerve dead zone on that toe(caused by a infection in my leg that almost killed me), I feel the muscles of my foot and legs holding position against the pull of gravity. That’s what I feel right this second. That is all information that I am aware of and information that I am subconsciously paying attention to. Imagine that for your whole body. Every scrap of feeling is necessary to understand where you start from, so that you can feel the borders of your skin, so that you can connect outside yourself. If you don’t know where you start, you can’t know where you are going.”

We talked in that vein for awhile.

But it really effected me. In having to teach, I had to consciously think about and conceptualize something I do and take for granted. It’s how I am able to regulate pain, how I can feel physical bliss just by feeling the wind. How a single touch, kiss, look, can move me. In some cases, I can feel the physical connection of a look across the room, because I am aware of my body in that way.

And it really hit me, that this is a smart guy, someone who asks questions and looks for answers, and he has no frame of reference for what I am saying. It’s like trying to describe color to the color blind. They understand sight and seeing but their frame of reference is different.

Is that how most people walk through the world? I don’t know.

Connected unconnected

When we reduce other people to sensation
to what makes us feel good
we reduce our own humanity

We may be just puzzle pieces
lost and alone
looking for where we fit
but that’s no reason
to slip in-to, hedonistic glut

This is not a rant against pleasure but rather one against taking
we’ve been fucking so long we forgot about love making
About elevating

I’m not saying that pure pleasure in the moment is wrong but most days it does not feel right
It’s empty
And when we become empty for so long we look for anything to fill us
to make us feel accepted

Because we have forgotten what being loved felt like
Act in the service of love and painful as the mounting losses may be
you’ll always be free
of regret at least

There may not be a heaven
but there is surely a hell
because we create it here in our ongoing search for a pleasure that fills us

Our minds should be our faiths
we’re always looking for a way out when we should be following the path in

We take what we want
but taking makes wanting
until we fill ourselves with Prada and prizes
flush with money we chase the one dragon we know we can catch and that feeling fills us up for a time
but it’s still there that ache to be full on waking
that second time is never as real as the first
we become trapped in a hell of our making.

Sex, drugs, and loneliness
dragging down our dreamers all looking for connection but afraid to commit to connect.

We’re above such things
we can disconnect sex from love
free from all rules
but rules are not restriction.

Rules are the freedom to know where the lines are
so you know what you are doing when you cross them
Then it’s three AM and who is this next to me
were they wanting connection or just a slim moment of shared addiction.

Am I the stranger for wanting breakfast?

Honesty

 

It has occurred to me lately that I seem to have lost some of my ability to discern lies from truth. Not a self deception, I still question my motives and actions thoroughly to make sure they come from a place of honesty. No, not self deception, but the lies of others. Perhaps in deciding to be honest and open about who I am, what I want and how I think…Perhaps by living this way, I’ve lulled myself into believing that others are as honest as myself. I am aware that we often see our thoughts and actions, our intentions, mirrored in others. Even if that is not the actual intention of those others. Perhaps that is the ramifications of living honestly. Each choice must be measured by its cost. Perhaps by being open and honest I incur the cost of allowing others the space to deceive.  But it conversely allows them the space to be as honest as I.  Perhaps the cost is not horrible.  But it is something to be mindful of.