I don’t want to wallow in misery propped up by others feeling horrible. I want to wallow in joy, exhultant in love. I want to dance with Em, sing with K, hold A, kiss everyone. I want joy and laughter. I’m so tired of things not working out. Of things being so complicated, of distance and acting responsibly, deliberately. It gets old, gets tiresome. Sometimes, I just want to scream my want. Not that doing so does any good but fuck, sometimes, something has to give
I dance in the mottled dapple of afternoons light
The soft crack of fallen leaves
Buried in the wet quiet of misting rain
Clothes clinging to me
Revealing unattractive form
But my dance continues, unabated
A paen to life’s minutes turning
A song sung in steps and ragged breathing
1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.
2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.
3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.
4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.
5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.
Paralyzed by joy
Like singing birdsong from a frog’s throat
This jumbled moment second hour
Lacking only your touch
And the swiftly building possible
If you are in pain
If you are hurting
You have within you the ability to make a choice
To break free and stand apart
To choose those who support your dreams
Who see your desires as beautiful
It is the hardest thing in the world to choose to be open, to choose to be free
This is the choice that defines our character
There are all kinds of secrets
Of things we hide from others, from ourselves
Assess the situation and decide, for your sanity, for your happiness, for your safety
Decide to step free from social constraints
Decide to be free
If I could sooth every ache
stop every tear
turn sadness to joy
show fear as hope
heal the pain of heartbreak
You are the light in my world
In your cocoon of my heart
I would see you become all that you desire
The thought of her skin
The softness of her as my hands run over her
The feel of the hairs on her arms
Running fingers lightly over, barely touching
The slap of leather to skin
The sound of her voice, whispering through my bones
She kneels in first position, head bowed
I reach down, running hand along jawline
Tilt her lovely face to mine
“You are my very good girl”
Her smile, and her eyes, shining with pride
Her reply, “thank you, Sir”
My heart full to bursting,
Fierce pride, joy filling every inch
My submissive, my girl, my miss
Wood and stone
Pierced veil, ripped shroud
To let the sunshine through
Velvet caress, sybilant phrases
Lift me to the light
You draw me close
Burn me in your flames
I’m delusional. Thinking that if I can just wait long enough, hold on long enough, you’ll somehow be waiting on the other side of your personal maelstrom. Waiting, looking for me. I don’t know if I can do that. If there were some indication that you wanted me, just not right now, while your traversing the jungle of your mind. I’d probably, look for you. I’d wait. Because right now I can’t stop looking for your smile or a response I know will never come. I’m delusional, not stupid.
I worry when you are not there, hoping you are alright, hoping you feel better, hoping you stay. Even if its not with me. Just stay. This world is worth the time. Whatever rest or oblivion you think is coming, can wait. This time, this place, these people around you, all unique in the universe. Take advantage, find joy, find something that lasts for more than a few hours.
Pleasure is great. Everyone knows I’m an advocate for pleasures dark and light and everywhere in between. But it doesn’t last, you always need more. Find the small moments of joy. The beauty you can carry with you. You’ve made it clear you don’t want me on that journey with you. Which means I’m sad, bleak, bereft but I hope you can find the path to joy without me. I love you enough to watch you walk away. I just want what you are walking to to be everything I would have helped you achieve, every experience and idea I could offer, and whatever the other things I don’t have that you are looking for.
I want you to feel the opposite of what I feel now, eyes blurred with tears. I want that for you. You deserve that joy. Seek it.
To not take chances from fear is to betray yourself. It is not bravery one must act with. Instead one must examine ones fears. Does this action make you afraid? If so does the fear serve its intended purpose and keep you from harming yourself or others? If so then it behooves you to examine the desire to find out the why’s of it. If the fear does not serve you then you must take the action. There will be consequences, there will be fallout. Prepare your mind for that potentiality. Then let it go. Embrace the action as one of beauty. Then step forward.
We live lives sheltered in our fear. Comfortable, safe lives. But ask instead why you live. If you have the life you want, then ignore me. I am joyful in your finding and keeping of it. But if you have not, then ask yourself why not? You are the only constant. The tools available to you are embodied in the choices you make. Accept that the world is chaos. Accept that the only thing you have control over are your choices.
Embrace fear. Embrace consequence. Embrace choice.