I want to be
To read books and be
To eat good food and drink good drinks
I want to be warm in winter
And cool in summer
To read by a fire
Drink thick coffee
I want to let go concern
Be held safe in another’s arms
And hold them safe in turn
No steadfast rules
And love and comfort
Sometimes you have a good night. Not great. Not revealing. Just good enough.
And on these nights, I think. I think, if I died, it would be enough. Not good. Not right. But enough, I think.
Morgan is long gone. Even her faintest echos are lost to me.
All who I’ve loved have gone or walked into their own futures.
And while I love my friends, you can’t live for them.
They have their own lives. No matter how much you love them. No matter how much you need someone to hold you in the silence.
Enough. Enough now.
I’ll take no action. Fear of the horizon and hope for what might be, will always call to me.
But really, without that spark of music, that waking, that breathe that is love. Without…
Find joy in what you have. Best I can do is ready.
Steady dreams floating down
Crashing against glass
Bleeding into gutters
Tears fall from gods seeing into hearts gone silent
Slow yet terminal
So tiny the sting
What distance traveled to die on my skin
What did you hope to be
Before you fell
I have none left
Thank you for turning the world
Into my heart
Nothing wonderful stays
The only constant
A life without
Say you love me
And I know you’ll be gone
I didn’t sleep last night. I can feel the weight of those lost hours bearing down on me. But I chose this, to stay up. And watching the clock, saying that old mantra, “If I go to sleep now, I’ll get 2 hours, get 90 minutes, get 20 minutes, get some caffeine and hope I don’t fall asleep while driving”. Then I read my email. I usually only check a couple of times a day. Because I receive a bunch, most of it junk. But like gold from silt rise the words of the blogs I follow. There really aren’t that many. I have a criteria where I have to like 3 pieces to follow them. That insures that they have my attention and time. And I read some posts and like and comment, in my sleep deprived brain zombie state. And I see someone’s blog has gone private. Someone who I like. And maybe this is the sleep deprivation or that I’ve been watching Legion, but I have this brief image of this guy dressed in black just thousand yard staring into the distance. And I know that’s me. And you know people have reasons, generally good reasons for going private, but I always hear Morgan Freedman’s speech from Shawshank Redemption ending with, “I guess I just miss my friend.” Sleep deprived me can be maudlin. But no less true. It’s like a light winking out in the firmament. And my universe is a little dimmer.
I wonder sometimes if people get into relationships with me just to be loved for a moment in time. To know that, someone, somewhere will always love them.
I envy them the certainty. The bedrock truth. That if I love, I love forever. Though time, distance and even realities keep us apart.
I’ve got no idea what I’m doing most days. Just getting through, just getting on
Some days I wish I had stayed asleep. Had never loved…and lost. I knew who I was then. What I would do with my life. But I was loved and I was lost. And those doors are long closed. Memories I can’t even share. Secret lives, no matter how far in the past are a burden you never put down.
I feel like I traveled in a time machine the hard way. By living it. By sleepwalking through it. Clawing my way back to some new chance that eludes me. Maybe because I want it so much. Maybe because I hold on so tight. Maybe because I can’t let go. I feel like I’m starting over when most people seem to have at least a semblance of an idea where they are going.
They’re making future plans and I’m just trying to plan for having a future.
And yet I look at them living lives and I don’t understand them.
Passionate weirdos and artists and nerds I get. I don’t understand the earn money to earn more money to buy vacations to keep going to the job you hate to keep the marriage going that’s stable but without passion. And still, I look at what they have and I’m envious.
They’re living their chances and I get a few but never know how to get past the start.
I keep starting over and over and I’m always back to this place. Confident but alone.
Wondering what’s next.
Wondering if all the possibilities are in the past and all I have are these words I scream in the wilderness and these days that pass so slowly and so fast.
I got 2 days and 1 night of perfection. It’s more than most people get.
It was to aid a friend and I feel a bit guilty about how it made me feel. Taking care of her. Making sure she followed her tasks. Hearing that in that moment what she felt was joy. It was utter perfection.
But what was so transcendent for me, was, perhaps, too close to a reminder of what she’d lost. Two days and a night. I was the happiest most fulfilled version of myself. I made plans. Crazy plans. Plans to uproot my whole life.
But by Monday it was over. She went back to her healing, her pain. And I was reminded of mine.
2 days and 1 night. It’s more than most people get. And its marked me forever
If I could save her, of course I would, of course. It’s easy to say, discounting all the years past that point. Discounting all the changes I made to be a better person.
Of course, I’d go, I’d be there and that would make the difference.
If I could save her I would.
If I could make a different choice
And accept that it means that the man I am now would be annihilated.
All of those experiences that turned me, minute by minute would be destroyed as well.
Of course, I’d save her. Of course.
Knowing how it happened, knowing it all.
Of course, I’d save her. Of course.
And accept that saving her, means dying in her stead. I’d still be breathing but the man I am now would never be. The love I’ve experienced, the people I’ve met, the family I’ve connected with, the goddess of my heart. It all gets snuffed out, turned on the wheel of a choice.
Of course I’d save her
1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.
2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.
3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.
4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.
5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.