You know what really gets me about my emotional journey? It’s that I’ve work for about a decade to get to a good place. And still, I find myself crying over almost anything
Hell, I’m crying while writing this.

And I had a bit of a breakthrough. At least a threshold. I used a technique where I just keep asking myself questions and being relentless until I fimd what feels like a real answer.

And the question I asked is “Why do depictions of love destroy me?”

And the first answer is that I love people making that emotional connection. And while that’s true, it also wasn’t the reason.

So I ask again, “Why does love make you cry?”

And I say, because of trauma because of Morgan.

But that’s a lie. I’ve spent 10+ years working on that trauma and I’m in a good place with it.

So why? And I’m wracking my brain for the real answer and it pops in

It makes me cry because I feel like I don’t deserve love. And I pursue that.

“Why don’t I feel like I deserve love?”

And I reply, because I’m a monster. What I desire is monstrous and how can anyone love me with those desires?

Which doesn’t make sense. But it feels right.
I’m in a relationship with someone who accepts that part of me. But still. I can’t work my way past it.

There are almost always new horizons. And growth and the journey never end.