The endless grey

I want to write something epic that grabs you by the heart and only let’s go once you are bleeding.
But I’m too empty now.
Too tired from working long hours
From still being at work 12 hours after I started.
Instead, I’m taking a beat to write this.
To decry and lament being unable to reach that aspirational dream of you, my dear readers reacting with the emotions that overwhelm me
But which instead lay dead like a caricature of a fish
Painting the page in reek
What is it to yearn to connect but only to find empty?
How do I after years of pouring out my lifeblood find I have so little left?
Is it burnout or just being burned?
Wondering if I’ll be able to steal some time before I sleep and it all starts again?
I’m trapped in this mess of a life
Some things cherished
Some things bad
And most just blah
Trapped by my own desires
By my own hand
What way could anyone see, when the path is empty, all
Destinations equidistant

To gaze unflinching at the self

I used to get 4 hours of sleep and I was fine
Well, not fine
But functional
In that I could keep going through the motions
But during that time I was deeply depressed
Everything was nothing and even sleep was no refuge
As I pulled away from that constant state
I found my habits to be the same
And that 4 hours of sleep would set me spinning
I’d be fine until I became tired
And then I’d second guess
And everything was off
Nothing was fine
Everything felt like it never would be
My work schedule changed a few years ago
Forcing me to change my habits
I was always good
At least in the beginning of such a change
And my sleep habits shifted
I was getting 8 hours of sleep
And those emotional spinnouts occurred less and less
And then 8 became 6
And they started to happen again
Then 6 became 4 and it was again my new normal
Same as the old normal
And while its obvious now
I came to realize that I needed that sleep
And the corporate culture I was in prized my inability to sleep
To be able to function on 4 hours seemed like a miracle
And I still find it useful
Because sleep isn’t the only thing that kept me depressed
Stress will eat away at me
And I will punish myself
Subconsciously
Until its too late
And I’ll not sleep
Because not sleeping is within my control
And I need that feeling of being capable
To really function
But for me
It’s not really optional
I can tell the difference in my emotional state
Now that I see it
How can I keep hurting myself this way
Though, I know I’ll still push
It’s in my nature to push
But now I see
And I will sleep when it gets too much
Because sleep is again a refuge
And dreams are a whole life lived
And I’m so tired
Of not living

Feeling the blood in veins; they say it’s impossible

Missing everything good
Life just keeps rolling by
And each step
Not getting any closer
Missing that energy
Happy to be out
Happy to be
Waiting for it all to come together
Waiting for that chance
So far from what is wanted
Rail against the system
It’s easier to shout
About things that are so intractable
Than to face the challenges
Which seem immovable
So close to home

Belief shapes minds, not the universe

Eyes go wide
Watching the spin
Watching what is fast seem to slow
To stop
To stutter
Perception made false
Reality isn’t what we choose
It is what is despite our choices
What is real whether you believe or not
Whether you need or not
Whether you choose or not
Only what remains despite our desire
Can we stand upon
Mistake not the shifting sand for solid ground

Waking up without waking

Overthinking they say
But is that really a thing
Sometimes grinding away at the same thought
I think I’m trapped in a loop of it
But really it’s not overthinking
It’s my brain
Feeding me
Equal parts intuition and lies
They mix together into a slurry of the possible
Always painting everything with a tattered grey patina
It’s not overthinking
It’s a brain on fast forward looking for patterns from nothing
Our brains instinct to create patterns
Easy to lie to yourself when you don’t have any puzzle pieces
Overthinking
Like that’s the problem
Like analyzing a situation is the problem
Like knowing how you will act or plan to act is the problem
When really it is only when that paralyzes you into inaction
That there is an issue
Only when you embrace the false narrative which you can’t possibly know without outside corroboration
Can you truly be harmed
But it’s oh so simple to fall into that trap
Bad habits reinforcing bad patterns

Bullshit laments of a white collar worker

Yearn for sleep
But keep it at bay
That distant sirens song
Oblivion calling
Rest after a day of being

Keep it away
Give just a few more hours of wake
Tomorrow brings anxiety
Sours the taste of sleep

Makes everything a little worse
A little paler
Life drained out
Trapped and uncomfortable

Too cold
Too much chatter
Not enough content
Not enough freedom

Going to work
Trapped with limited free will
No peace

A life of benign neglect

If I were as heavy as a leaf
I feel as if I could be free
But here I stand
A man weighed down by years and obligations
Remembering days past which
I spent
Frivolous
With abandon
As if they were forever

I face the future not with the sadness of was
Though I’ll yearn for those times
If only to share it with the twin of my heart
But instead In trepidation, hesitant
Knowing that forward is the only path open
Heart wide
Knowing that love will see me through
Even should pain again pierce me through
Even if all is lost
Still there is love