Walking down the road, always forward

Words seem inadequate now and I
At turns
Want to dance and laugh
Or scream and cry
No calm thing seems an adequate response
And yet that’s all I can do
Singing lullabies into a microphone
Recording future missives
And hoping tomorrow will be a different story
But sometimes the same
Because it’s not all bad news
So I want things to change
But be the same
But different
Life twists you about
And getting untwisted
It’s less a goal
Than something that just happens
In brief moments of
Clarity quiet
That soundless void between was and will be

Slept too long, woke too early

I say I’m a thing of endings but really I cling to that past like drowning
Like desire
I can’t seem to find an end
Maybe I’m looking to hard
Maybe I’ve never been a catalyst for an end
Others have been breaking and changing me
Mostly by their absence for so long
That when I try to end
Instead I see all the beautiful pieces of bow
And despair
I know theres a beginning
But I’m so tired
I wish I could rest

Hold your arm in mine lest I fall

I find myself happy
Though no delirious thing
No cracked grin
Manic and fading
No simple contentment
Though perhaps contentment has been so far away that I wouldn’t recognize it
I find joy in the simpleness of being
The hush of night
The sounds of the heater
The far to silent room
Because the truth is that my happy has a hole in it
And it’s only that space of lack
Which informs the rest

Trauma breaks us in ways we can’t describe

I’ve crawled out of a deep well of blank
Blank walls and blank stares
Just an endless nothing
Palisades I built looking to hide from all the pain I couldn’t face
And even those walls weren’t enough
I locked my self down the deepest well
In the darkest parts of my mind
I thought it would be easier to just not feel for awhile

I guess when you’re gushing hearts blood and you’re so completely lost in a world that can’t understand what you are feeling
You don’t make the best decisions

That pain just built behind those walls
That tsunami waiting to destroy me
So I hid
Of course I hid
Even deeper
So deep that feeling even pain was blunted

But it couldn’t last
I couldn’t last
Eventually, I couldn’t feel anything
So I threw open the doors
Climbed out of that well filled with pain cored through the very center of my being

And I immediately drowned
That pain crushed me
Beat me against the battlements
Slammed me against the walls
Those soundless screams which wracked my body
Which, even now whisper, broke from my throat

That was the journey which brings me to mild depression and poems which feel empty
Without that cut down mewling pain

It only took ten years.

Maybe in another ten, I’ll be able to write that same joy I feel, on occasional morning
Like I wrote in blood
In the beginning

Maybe not

Measured on the dark expanse

We exist on the shores of love
Waiting to drink deeply
Sometimes wandering away
Lost and without purpose
Lonely in the way that only those who have truly known love can be lonely
Lost without hope
Having first known its touch

We build homes
Drinking slight or deep
Always knowing that someday
Whatever we do
However we try
Love will leave
We will be alone
That silence which weighs so heavy
Sometimes it’s too much
And we pass
Sometimes we heal from its lack
But always on the shore
Looking past the cold horizon
Footsteps that bring you home

When death holds no mystery…

Water slams down headless the end
Hitting the unyielding ground it bounces
The mist rises
Riding through valleys at breakneck speeds
Vision clouded
Calm dropping like a warm cloak
That settled feeling
From long ago
One wrong choice from death
Alive unlike long since
A goal in mind
A destination set
And come hells or fury
Arrival is gaurenteed
No thin desire for adrenaline
Just the calm mantle of chaos
Of disaster
And the sure steps one takes
When every move is familiar