Silent

Every day
I’m just so tired
Falling asleep in my chair
My mind drifts to the past
To all that I had in brief months of happy
I can’t go to far
There is a chasm of unfathomable darkness
But back a few years
Each joy
Each I love you
Each fail
This accumulation
I’m so tired
Most days I have nothing left
How am I going to find you
When all I can do without tears is sleep
Losing her didn’t break me
Life after recovery from her loss
Did

Journeys begin and continue only with consent

You say you’re innocent
While you fumble manipulation
While you look for my attention
Saying your naive
Knowing that makes me want to protect you
Protect you and take you
Waiting on that yes
Waiting for you to speak
I’m just the freak
Waiting on consent
Before our carnival of sins begins
Yes
I want this
Build
Creative structure
Of pain and pleasure
Until all is undone
Until I’m satisfied
Never
Always wanting more
That next step
That next depravity
At the edge of your desires and back again
Watching your ecstasy
Your whimpers
Your tears
Kiss them away
Each new innocence
Each new horizon
Together
Say yes
I want this
Turn the key
Open the doors
One step away
We’ll start slow
Consent
Or
Good morning, how are you?
Only the gentleman
Only the kind Sir
You’ll never see the barbed wire
Unless you desire
And say
Yes

Slim to none

Walking down the dark hallway
The door of the bedroom the only light
I can feel the ozone and taste the wet
It’s rained outside and I missed it
Sitting awake in my bedroom at 4am
Binge watching TV on Netflix and playing games on my phone
Looking at Facebook messenger to see who might be up
Wondering if they just left the phone on
Or are they like me
Tired but not wanting to sleep
Because we lose so much time to sleep
Because lately we’re so tired
Depression in other words
I sleep instead of think
Because that first thought
Of no one wants me
That I’m so loved but also unwanted
Just leads to spiral and sleep is better
Than falling down that rabbit hole
It’s 4am and I wonder at what my life is
Every bit as lost as I ever was
Just now I know why and supposedly that’s better but
Doesn’t feel like it
I’m no icarus to fly so close to the sun
But then I have a penchant for falling
Maybe I’m just so used to the fall that I love the sharp stop
Or maybe I’ve never stopped falling and all of this
is a dream
Or a hell

My truck runs but my heart is broken

My heart says, I love you, but I know that’s bad
I know that, you’d argue,
but those times have fade-ed

Our silence rains heavy
Our Eyes fill with tears
It seems like, how are you, is all that we have

I posted a picture,
I knew that you’d laugh
These Facebook emojis are all that we have

Our silence looms heavy
O’er words that were said
In binding agreement, there’s no knot to be read

I sing in my sorrow
I sing like a beast
My wound seem all shallow
But did cut deep

I’m dying from sorrow
I’m dying to fade
Last words that echo
As you fade away

It seems like tomorrow is too far away
It feels like I love you
But nothing to say
Only how are?
I hope that you stay.

If strange is a journey then I am a explorer

Looking at things with passion, with bright eyes
They crack as if we weren’t shells but mindless mysteries
Dreams experienced in the flash of exhaustion
Waking to strange words on lips
Time for an emergency landing folks and this time, need your votes
Talking but my eyes tell a story of microsleep
Dreams turning about in prophecy
Watching her drown
Covered in snakes
Wake
Images seared into the mind
No vague lifetimes lived in the dreaming
Sidereal journeys to tomorrow
To strange branes
Through bioelectric signals
There and not there
Affording glimpses into
Reality

Stress dreams

Waking up sleepy
Sleep brings dreams
Dreams that feel real
Real like a life not being lived
Living in ways that I’m not
Not happy with what is happening
What happens when you wake without
Without that connection to someone
Someone you thought
Thought was forever
More than a friend
Friendship led deeper
Deep into companionship
Companions who loved
Love doesn’t mean together
Together romantically at least
Least among equals
Equality of choices
Choices I made hoping for you at my side
Side by side in companionship

I never thought we’d end up together
But I did think that we would be more
Than the past heights
Echoing forward
Losing coherence

Churn and boil

They say that no one truly loves you until they see every dark shadow inside of you and still chooses to stay

But what if those shadows are not caused by murk and pain but instead cast by bright lights shining into deep holes. What if when you gaze in into the shadows and the shades feel love they burst forth in incandescence burning away their shrouds and the darkness promised from lips bound to truthfulness instead drip light

Do you feel betrayed by their love and how dare they show this deep painful darkness which is so easy to love but then switch and become joy and light. In foolishness and hopeful acts they keep moving forward, they don’t see the change so drunk on this absence of pain. They keep going and not knowing break what they sought to forge.

And Dwindling is requested, affronted by this light and their words but though some time has passed they never forgot their oath to say what is in their heart and they cannot help that what is there is love. But they do love and they do care and they say, quietly, ok. We’ll talk only about the weather and the small things with nary a serious discussion about anything. And the silence reigns and their lights turn to blood but they remember the light and they break and break and break

Until you can stand it no longer and a short sharp slap across their face wakes them from their ocean of blood and they apologize and turn their daggers inward to spare you their pain because they remember that light they felt in the failing embrace of winter

But still, they remember their oath to always speak what was in their heart and their second oath, to always be silent in those places where they once were free

And torn apart by their own words, by the words that have always been the catalyst for destruction. No one really wants the truth, their truth. Not forever. No one expects them to remember the oaths they spoke in exactness. The things that they follow. Maybe it’s not human to do so.

Maybe they should have or should now speak directly, but it is forbidden and until it’s rescinded
Silence
And these words slipped past with bare context
Are all they have
We are broken until we are whole. Darkness until we are light
And the turning, we never expect
But the fall
The fall we know all too well

She rips me up

She rips me up
Just a text out of the blue
And she puts my whole world on tilt
Because she could have me or break me with a word
My could have been who never was
Who I fell so hard for
I left a cartoon like impression on the desert floor
A man shaped hole
I fell like a shooting star
And burrowed to earth
Flame kept alive in flickers beneath the surface
I gave up
Because I had to
Because sanity demanded it
But 3 words in a text
And no not those three words
And I’m right back at the beginning
She has me
But it fades
Quicker
And
Quicker
That’s almost harder than without
Almost harder than with
What could isn’t
What might be
Depends on her
And it won’t happen

Timing

I’ve been Bereft of words
Straddling fences like sitting on an elephant
Stretched thin by words
Skin taught and quivering
Near breaking

Words spill from me in other circumstance
But facing the page
Blank
Like a white room
Empty of anything but echos

What purpose words when
They are just verse on a page
Can’t be trusted for past transgressions
By people I’m not

Nothing to prove
I’m all out
But they say that too
And sit leering behind false faces
Monsters without honor

No way to prove I’m not them
So I wait
And talk
Knowing all the time
That trust has been broken by so many other people

I’m always too late
By hours
By months
By years

Too late