On some level, I think we are all seeking for that person who will see us and accept us and know us bone deep and still wants to be a part of our lives. We all want to not be alone. And the people who seem to know this, are also the ones who have the hardest time finding someone.
It’s like consciously trying to swim. You paddle your feet, you cup your palms, you move your arms but still, you can’t seem to really swim. Because swimming is a physical, in your body, thing. And you can’t be one hundred percent in your body if you are thinking about how to move it.
And you can’t find that person who connects with you because it’s such a complex thing that you can’t set up a situation or plan a life that leads you there.
You can only be one hundred percent your self. And stop hiding. If you are hiding, you aren’t being.
And I’m aware that sounds like bullshit but give yourself a free pass to not be cynical. Not be practical. Give yourself a free pass to be free for just a minute.
The only thing you can do is be genuine. Let people see you.
I can’t promise you freedom from pain or that some of those people won’t hurt you, won’t use you.
I can only say that when the moment comes and you are hiding, it will be difficult for the person looking to see.
Sometimes you have a good night. Not great. Not revealing. Just good enough.
And on these nights, I think. I think, if I died, it would be enough. Not good. Not right. But enough, I think.
Morgan is long gone. Even her faintest echos are lost to me.
All who I’ve loved have gone or walked into their own futures.
And while I love my friends, you can’t live for them.
They have their own lives. No matter how much you love them. No matter how much you need someone to hold you in the silence.
Enough. Enough now.
I’ll take no action. Fear of the horizon and hope for what might be, will always call to me.
But really, without that spark of music, that waking, that breathe that is love. Without…
Find joy in what you have. Best I can do is ready.
Steady dreams floating down
Crashing against glass
Bleeding into gutters
Tears fall from gods seeing into hearts gone silent
Slow yet terminal
So tiny the sting
What distance traveled to die on my skin
What did you hope to be
Before you fell
I have none left
Thank you for turning the world
Into my heart
Nude body splayed over
Head on shoulder
Fingers in mouth
Desire and love blossom
Straddle and guide
Souls and bodies entwine
Her hand over heart
Draws ragged gasps
Startled I wake
Scent of her lingers on still air
But I know she’s distant
Maybe never be
Dreams and hearts
Of little consequence
A choice away
Wishing I knew
What path lead to you
There is a emptiness inside. I look into my self and there is a hollow void. Empty. Apathetic. There is nothing concrete, just dark leviathans almost surfacing but never enough to see what it is. I feel like I’ve been burning my self up trying to achieve my goals and each time I fell, I lost a bit more. Until now, there’s nothing left. I don’t know where I got the fuel and now I can’t seem to wake. I was a ghost in my life, then blazing in fire I woke and now…I am again a ghost. A ghost who knows they are a ghost, who knows they were more and now, just haunt this body.
When I don’t have a romantic focus, I feel an emptiness. Like I’m going through the motions, like I’m not doing what I am. A cipher. And when days that are deep in remembrance approach and I am without focus, I fill. I fill with a vast sadness. An ocean of memories and lost hopes pours in. Until I become nothing but sadness. Until I lose my self, bit by bit, on a empty sea under a moonless sky. Until sleep and dreams lose their ability to be a refuge and I live in happy moments, deep in dream, which shatter as dust on waking. I seek almost any distraction. Trying to ward off a few minutes of thinking. Until, striped, without shield or succor, I am bare and sleep…traitorous…rapturous sleep…resets the stage and again and again, I lose her.
devolution of appetite yearning for the next pointless acquisition bleeds into limbs
Lifting and depositing eager avarice into wet red clacking maw
Small voices screaming for surcease
Unheeded and ignored
Self destruction made simpler than devotion
Placed pointless to gain ground
Stolen places and time
False hopes as it all slips away
Holding too tightly
My mind lives in a dream
Where love heals and hope is sweet
It flashes pictures of me
holding people I love
Of smiles and our closeness
But I’ll wake soon
Look about and know
Dreams are bitter
Their sweetness lays in lying
In the building of maybe into occurence
But I’ll rise soon
Knowing even through broken
What was may never be
What is cannot be known
And what will be
But it will hurt
Even if wonderful
It will be a beginning
It will be an end
Heart cries in pain
Mind searches for anything to feel
Anything but this
Grasping for short lived pleasure
Mewling when will fends away destruction
Holding on by fingernails
All the while yearning for someone to take choices away
To force sensation
Anything but bitter broken glass
But callous hands
Offered when the lights go out
When even grey Lifeless
Is better than drowning
Adrift without tether
Hopes quailed and fled
Pain in not knowing is phantom
It fills and forms in shapes of fear
It billows and morphs
No minute is sacred
No place is safe
It travels with
Unseen until the strike
Love dances unbidden
Hand in hand with terror
A child of innocence
Unknowing in simple minutes
Physical distance of if only’s
Choices made for future
Keeps us from
Those last steps to freedom