The storm forgives us all

Clock spins round
Heart sinking with the sun
Steps away from home
Lost chances to be in your arms
Turmoil storm
Calling
Saying you will do anything
Poor substitute for actually doing it
Each unwilling to take that comprise step
Unwilling…unable
Still stretched arm hoping
Fingers straining
Heartbeat pounding
Maybe…
Maybe…
Sigh
Maybe it’s too much to ask
Too much trust
For someone never seen
Only known
A blood stained Symphony
Hoping there’s time
Knowing there rarely is
Gods and monsters
Telling me to go
Still
I am afraid

The truth about intentions and poetry

What I want is not relevant
I am aware of this
No matter what I do or say or write
Nothing changes
And I don’t expect it to
There is no epiphany point that I can lead you to
No clarity to be had
What truths exist in my work
Exist in yourself
You uncover
You discover
I write out of need
To bleed the poison in my hurt out onto the page
To remove the disaster from my heart
Sometimes that disaster is from other people
But mostly it’s from my emotional state
And even when it concerns someone else
It’s not ABOUT them
The only case where it might be is in joy
In poem as seduction
But even then
You are the discoverer of your own feelings
I can only hold a mirror up to my truth
What you see in it
That’s beyond my control

Covered in blood, blinking, “See everything’s ok”

Resting blank face
Eyes alight behind a mask of unmoving skin
No smile
No frown
Permanent thousand yard stare
“Who are you trying to intimidate,” they ask
No one
No one
This is a defense
The one lie I allow
To hide the pain that courses just beneath the surface
Just under the distraction
Just under the distance
Keeping questions at bay
As much as possible
You learn not to ask how I’m doing
Because that’s spoken true
So instead
Blank mask
Fool yourself into thinking
He’s ok
It’s easier
Even as I drown a little more
History full of lost chances
Dead ends
And silence

Step by step, find your way to me

Sometimes I think that my life is a path
Worn away
Wind and rain and casual travelers
All taken this care worn road
Erasing the lines
Until all someone might find beautiful
Is erased
Who will find their way
To marvel and dream along my haunted shores
No longer shiny or new
Who will follow to paths ending
The garden
Starving
Dying on the edge of love
Forgotten
But still
Tenaciously
Holding on

Wrung out turning begging to begin

The dark pours into me
Peace that’s lost
Floods in
Making itself at home
Tired heart crying
Eyes untouched
Little lost peace holding my hand in the darkness
A kiss on the forehead and gone
Off to whatever stranger shores
Calls them home

And I a waystation
A place to rest weary
In tired lines
Bent past breaking
But unbowed
And unbroken
Reaching

Hand outstretched
Fingers pull wide
To the point of tearing
Small tricks
Split out wide
Trembling

Say thoughts out loud
Madness or a dream
Wake my turtle dove
We are not as we seem
Follow the raven
Home

Hard to build a future on the too live sea

I can’t let go; It’s a problem
Or it’s not; I don’t know
There are those won’t ever leave
Even if we’re never together
They are mine
Even if I’m not theirs

Does that mean that I’m too tethered to the past to move forward
I don’t think so
I hope not
Even though I ache with the thought of somehow moving out beyond their ability to call me back

These aren’t beautiful words or artful phrases
Just a baring of heart and soul
It’d be simpler if I could hide behind the lilt of wordplay
I just don’t have the energy to do so

When I love, I love complete, complex
And with gleeful discovery
And when I’m without
Never without love
Without partner
I don’t know
Sometimes I become stronger and more able to take the world on
And sometimes I’m just a small boat on a infinite ocean
Seaworthy but at any given moment, taking on water

I suppose I’m just a shifting sands dancer
And lately I’ve lost the song

The long journey between death and life, trapped on the road

If I could see the future, I’d see it with you
If I could walk any path
It would be to you
I have walked so many roads
To falter some
Here
If there were but a glimmer of you
If I could see with the clarity I’ve searched for
Looking in the darkness
For the glimmer of you
I can’t stop looking
You are there
I know
And though I lose hope
And though I cry
Still
I’ll wake
And find the strength to find you
I hope
Before the end of my life
To hold you in my arms
To know the peace of our love
And if I fail
Never will I quit
Life is but a door
I’ll walk through them all
To find you

A sacrifice for all I have failed, a gift for all I have loved

I tell you now that every lost relationship
Every person who walked away
Every voice that faded to whisper
To silence
Every one
I still feel
I can recall how I felt the moment I was lost
I can recall every step
Thinking it was toward something
And I remember that heartbreak clarion call of ending
People get past things
People’s memories fade
But somehow
All for me linger
Until I can’t see faces but remember the feel of a touch
Until some word you spoke
Some poem
Some stray neuron fires
And I remember
While it’s true that you can grow to let go
Still, half stitched wounds spill open
I envy you
Your forgetting
I’ve not unlearned how to remember
How to smell and taste you
One step away
Maybe it’s a solace
To not forget
The good times made sorrow by the bloodletting of the end
I failed to be merciful once, twice
I won’t pretend to be free of mistakes
If I could give those moments back to you
I would
Not speak as if I was trying to kill
Not let silence feed into silence
All I can say
Is that man you knew
Who hurt
Who in fire and drowning quiet
He is dead
And only I
Who mourn his actions
Striving to be better, am left
His memories mine
The hell of it is
He was a wounded animal
Looking for connections
Breaking
Breaking
And acting destroyer
Even as he loved
There is no forgiveness for what he did
But he’s gone
And I’m here
And each silent voice is another pain
And each pain is another wound
And each wound is another path
And each path another person
And each person
Another loss
But
I hope you walked away
To someone better than me
I hope you are happy
My heart will allow me nothing less