A yellow wood

I once said, “I have no regrets.”
And meant it
But that all came crashing down one fall night
Then regret became everything
So much so that it eclipsed everything
Until I was nothing
Just an open wound
Pulsing pain
Looking for anyway to feel
And there again I felt no regrets because I was so deep in regret
That nothing felt different
So with no differentiation
Nothing was the name of the game
Eventually, I began to feel again
And I would say that I regretted the things I hadn’t done
The actions I failed to take
So I resolved to risk
To hold forth my heart entire and burn rather than smolder
And I hurt some people
Because I was still hurting
I just kept the thorns turned inward than out
So I began to regret those actions
So actions taken, actions failed to take
And neither safe
So I became mindful
Tried to be honest
Always honest
With myself most of all
And I found myself with even more regret
Not of action or inaction
But instead for being unable to act
Constrained by my word given
Once to let my partner dictate pace
And so unable to make moves for both of our benefit
Once to say that two masters cannot be served
And instantly regretting it
It’s what I thought but if life has taught me anything it’s that new information brings new thought
I wish I had that confidence, that ignorance, of youth
That I could enforce my will and bedamned to all other consequences
If I did, for brief moments, I would be happy
Content
But instead, I wage this long game
Hoping that my choices now will lead us well
And not to regret

Spring bears false witness

The gentle breeze tousles dark strands
Eyes closed
Bled thru to blood
Birdsong cries
Each warble singing joy
Steady hum of distant roads
Leading to lives
Unknown

This quiet perfection
Marred only by absence
And the fleeting thoughts
That if a choice were to be made
Today would have been a good day

Instead
Fresh blooms
Fading winter
Fading night
And a lament
For who can be truly content
In such perfection
Without your lips on mine

The unsaid things create the sharpest wounds

I find myself in vulnerable moments
Cut open and flayed
Words which seem true
Reverberate
My heart broken
Believing and not believing
Wondering if what
My brain says is true
Possessed with faith in Intuition
Faith in feeling
Faith in perception
To have that scalpel turned inwards
Whispering fears
Whispering truth?
How could I know?
When the lines blur
When I am not strength
Not safe
Not home
Just another person
Broken
Wishing to be whole
But what would that even look like

Deep rifts which, bottomless, we nevertheless must jump

Broken down epiphany
broke, sitting outside a locked car
Wondering how to break in
Keys sitting in the ignition
Waiting to be turned

Looking around
Hoping the Gang in blue
Passes me by
I swear it’s mine

But what goods swearing when you are brown
Not gonna matter
Sometimes invisible is the best you get

I remember
In my youth daring anything in the world to touch me
A promise of bloody retribution living in my heart

How naive I was
Or was it that without anything to lose that life was just less valuable
My life and theirs

Though I still hold no value for lives of those who wrong me
Now, I hold my life valuable
Forced to acknowledge that the path that was past
Is long gone
And any action has deep repercussions

Though I think about the last hurrah
And play a game
One I’ll likely never put my quarter into and roll the dice

What can we do
Shouting from the rooftops
Wondering if we’re heard

Wondering if it matters
Just a silent majority
Our voices hoarse from screaming

The texture of tongue on teeth

From memories
Rise as leviathan
Woken from fever
A blade bared and hungry
Quiets into painful lethargy
Silence grows
Though distance is constant
Roads least traveled feel less
Was once sorry
Torn between decisions
Time passes
Lament for what may have
Falls silent
What is
Sings a sirens song
And what may be
Drips from lips stained red