Marathon without end

Having that hard time
Relating to young rhyme
Each year passing
Pushing me past
My sell by date
Not intended to make you feel bad
Just a life lived
Gives perspectives you’ll never have
That empathy gained
From the shard poking through skin
From years when
To touch me was to come away bloody
There is a broken
That hurts so much
That spreading that pain
Is the only thing that brings temporary relief
Until the pain you cause leads to the spiral down
And here I am at the end of a long road
Looking towards the next journey
And just wondering how to leave the pain
If I even can
Or maybe it’s just this deep hope
That maybe there is a future
Where happiness is present
Rather than at so so distant remove
The briefest hint of orange and chocolate
The phantom of a phantom
One step removed from a memory
Instead, just wandering
How to be lost when all around you are destinations
There’s no bells ringing here
No messages
Just make that decision
And wander into the break
One last attempt at drowning
One last retreat
A kiss made from yearning
Instead of a choice to be better
Words and pain tumble out
And only sleep
Offers refuge

Thoughts filter from the ether in the dark of morning

We all want the fairy tale. The one that says that we’ll find perfect love and be happy. But chasing that dream just results in ashes in the mouth. There is no perfection. No dream. Fairy tales are full of blood and betrayal. And we forget that. Bound instead to the spun sugar fantasy that modern cinema and Disney has spoon fed us.

There are people who are good for us. Who would be companions. Who would walk beside us in our slow boat to the end. But our brains are filled with the thinly veiled rot. And when things get hard…and they always get hard…many of us bail. Looking to that false sunrise over the horizon.

Of course, if the hard is abuse, then get out as soon as you can. Leaving them dead in your wake if neccesary. Just dispose of the body. Have a plan. Because our justice system is bullshit.

But from that digression, instead focus on what’s real. Not some thinly veiled possible. Find the people who love you. Stand up and beside them.
Life is hard. Alone, its impossible. At least long term.

But be real. Have the hard discussions. Get on the same page. Figure out what works. Love each other.
Nothing else is as important.

A rededication of purpose

There is an aspect of my life I’ve allowed to fall away. Thinking that with a purpose served there was no use to learning; to changing in that direction.

However, it was through learning and wielding in those aspects that I felt most alive. Most happy. Leaving. Taking a vacation for my, for the rest of my life, has left me without purpose. Having had purpose for half of my life, it felt like setting a burden down. Like I was allowed to breathe in full measure without labour. And while it was that, one loses focus. Loses the path when life becomes an endless parade of distractions. Hoping to fill the eternal empty of endless days.

Distraction, for a time, was nice. My soul needed it. But that time is past. My soul needs another path. An old path. Its steps chosen again and again. As the wheel breaks and turns. As the thin hopes of a hundred years crack, revealed to be naught but facade.

Only the storm remains. The deep night. And the eternal winter.

Missing freedom

slowly being boiled alive
Each day the heat ratchets up
Each day one more responsibility
Weighs down
Thought I was at the top of my game
Turns out I was just a frog down a well
Living on the wheel
Paycheck to paycheck
One bad day away from an ending
Lost in the weeds
Burned out or burning
Doesn’t matter when you have no choices
Each day just a step closer to ending
Looking forward to that eternal relief

On knowing and deeper relationships

It strikes me. How little we actually know each other. What our likes are. How we feel about subtle things. What makes us laugh. What we find amusing. What smells bring memories. What tastes wake passions. Who we are. Beyond the social surface level.

I want to know all of it. Because I’m a knowledge junky. I crave information, context, feelings, hopes, nightmares. I want to see. To know.

But I resign myself to quarter truths and half knowing. Because that level of intimacy is daunting. The conversations we have in our minds. Things we want to say but don’t. Letting it pass by. Each moment lost.

Deep truths wake deep truths shared in others. I’ve done it. Seen it. Less with men than women. There is a cultural divide there which transcends generational shifts. As more people show public face due to a life being lived in the exposure of the internet, their deeper selves are buried deeper. Shared with a bare few. Isolating us further.

Where we’ll land, as to stable norms, is still being established. But it seems we establish more surface relationships. More treacherous parasocial relationships. With few bedrock ties. Leaving us more socially and emotionally vulnerable. And not the good kind of vulnerable.

It’s interesting at a remove. But living within such structures while desiring deep connections, is a recipe for pain. That dull ache of without.

Hoping not to mortgage any future I may aspire to

Fantasies. We all have them. Some are pleasant and diverting. Some sexual and arousing. Some dark and deadly. But some are dangerous.

The ones I fimd most dangerous are the ones that seem tangible. The ones that could be. Often, these are the fantasies which do the most damage.

That dream of better furniture. Better car. Better computer. Better clothes. It all mounts up and we can convince ourselves that going into debt for these things is a good thing. That these things will make our lives better. I’ve been there. I’ve bought the nice thing. Hell, even enjoyed the nice thing. But the debt of it dragged on me. It made and still makes my life harder.

Now. I don’t indulge on the fantasy of the possible. I still have hopes. Still dream of better. But I don’t project myself into that dream. Don’t try to force that future into shape. Hoping that by having I’ll be happy. Mostly. I’m still human. Looking forward, looking back. To a tomorrow a little bit better than today. Trying not to sabotage my future, by leveraging my present, to aquire a few baubles.

No matter how much they call to me.