I would in my heart fain love though in truth I know only emptiness, to have had love then lost is more bitter than to merely yearn for what one has never known.
And to drink this bitter draught while the brothers of my choice find what I have lost and sought leaves my heart more desolate.
For I should be joyful in their joy but often it is such that I summon a mask for the self and select a different face to the world.
Would that the way were more clear or perhaps merely my perception of it.

I’m an asshole. I know it.
I let my indignation and admittedly large ego, run my tongue and fingers when logically I should keep my mouth shut. I let my emotions run me, when I’m not clamping down so hard on them I go numb. I retreat to those things I perceive as truth and assault everyone around me with them. I accept cultures and things held at a distance and I’m good at seeing nuances and subtleties, as long as it’s at a far enough remove.

The closer someone is the more poisonous I become. Except for those few in my inner circle whose goodwill I care about and even they are subjected to rants and horribly pointed and venomous retorts. Eventually, unless the person is extremely patient or gods forbid, genuinely likes me, I will drive them away.
Sometimes just because I can’t conceive of someone actually liking me, I’ll metaphorically shove the knife in. I won’t realize it consciously until later but subconsciously I knew what I was doing. And nine times out of ten I’m not sorry. Sure I lament the results, but what I said is true, if stated in the most hurtful way possible, and my ego and ethics won’t let me apologize for something I see as truth. I could go on and on. Welcome to my brain.

I’ve been struggling with how to say this without sounding naive but I don’t think there is one. In my internal voice, it seems reasonable but out loud I sound like a fool or a prig. I’ve probably seemed worse here, so enough preamble.

I believe that love is the only choice we get to make that matters. If the choice is love or anything else (except in cases where to persue love is a betrayal), then love is the choice. It may result in contention, depression, tears, anger and rage or it may not work at all. But the chance, should always be taken. Always jump off the cliff. Love may die from neglect, or be found to have not existed, but the opportunity to persue love should always be seized. Just don’t fall in love with love. See what is really there and don’t fall prey to obsession.