If you died tomorrow, what would you miss? What are the top 10, top 20, top whatever? Before it devolves into food you like, what would you miss? Without social or societal obligation, what is important to you? Because, I can almost guarantee it’s not work. With the exception of a few of us, work holds no more significance than a(hopefully) nonawful way to make enough money to live. Is it family? Is it your lover’s smile? Will you miss music? Your cat? What is really important to you? Where should your focus be while you are alive? Where are your priorities and are you spending the time needed on them? Are your goals iin the bone or are they fleeting priorities of the flesh and blood life you are forced to live? What are we doing here?
I woke up yesterday with a profound sense of calm. I felt at peace. It took me a minute to realize what it was. I had no feelings of depression and no feelings of anxiety. I felt profoundly normal. Steady.
And I could not help but think, if this is what those without anxiety or depression feel like, then it is no wonder that their responses are so wrong. That they cannot conceptualize what it feels like. Because their variation from that baseline into sadness or into worry are a different reality.
It would take a open mind and a huge amount of empathy to see my normal. To see my real. And I don’t expect that from them.
It would be like asking someone who could not see the color green to accept that I can, when their society says that I can’t. When a community consensus of what is is reached, it becomes entrenched and rooting out that becomes harder and harder.
So I understand why they would not understand what I feel. Not understand me. But it does make me feel sad. Because now I know how they feel. And I think, their understanding is far from reach.
But worse, I don’t want that normal for myself. It did feel wonderful. But only in opposition to what I normally feel. Without the counterpoint, I think it would feel empty. And I’ve had quite enough empty,
Thank you very much.
I want to write something epic that grabs you by the heart and only let’s go once you are bleeding.
But I’m too empty now.
Too tired from working long hours
From still being at work 12 hours after I started.
Instead, I’m taking a beat to write this.
To decry and lament being unable to reach that aspirational dream of you, my dear readers reacting with the emotions that overwhelm me
But which instead lay dead like a caricature of a fish
Painting the page in reek
What is it to yearn to connect but only to find empty?
How do I after years of pouring out my lifeblood find I have so little left?
Is it burnout or just being burned?
Wondering if I’ll be able to steal some time before I sleep and it all starts again?
I’m trapped in this mess of a life
Some things cherished
Some things bad
And most just blah
Trapped by my own desires
By my own hand
What way could anyone see, when the path is empty, all
I used to get 4 hours of sleep and I was fine
Well, not fine
In that I could keep going through the motions
But during that time I was deeply depressed
Everything was nothing and even sleep was no refuge
As I pulled away from that constant state
I found my habits to be the same
And that 4 hours of sleep would set me spinning
I’d be fine until I became tired
And then I’d second guess
And everything was off
Nothing was fine
Everything felt like it never would be
My work schedule changed a few years ago
Forcing me to change my habits
I was always good
At least in the beginning of such a change
And my sleep habits shifted
I was getting 8 hours of sleep
And those emotional spinnouts occurred less and less
And then 8 became 6
And they started to happen again
Then 6 became 4 and it was again my new normal
Same as the old normal
And while its obvious now
I came to realize that I needed that sleep
And the corporate culture I was in prized my inability to sleep
To be able to function on 4 hours seemed like a miracle
And I still find it useful
Because sleep isn’t the only thing that kept me depressed
Stress will eat away at me
And I will punish myself
Until its too late
And I’ll not sleep
Because not sleeping is within my control
And I need that feeling of being capable
To really function
But for me
It’s not really optional
I can tell the difference in my emotional state
Now that I see it
How can I keep hurting myself this way
Though, I know I’ll still push
It’s in my nature to push
But now I see
And I will sleep when it gets too much
Because sleep is again a refuge
And dreams are a whole life lived
And I’m so tired
Of not living
Voters young and old, Independent and Democrat, normally third party voters and even Republicans, came out to oust then President Trump. Democrats and Independents voted blue. For any Democrat we could get our hands on. We gage money and signed petitions. We marched in Black Lives Matter protests and were beaten and run down and even killed for our efforts.
When Biden won, we watched while the President tried desperately to make it not so. Watched him bribe and threaten and, yes, even incite active insurrection. And still he failed. When Biden was sworn in and we had both a Democrat as president and a supposed majority in congress, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe we could wipe away the nightmare and put protections in place to prevent it from happening again.
We need to add more Supreme Court justices. We need to pass The For The People act. We need lasting economic change and we need real reform of our policing structures.
But we aren’t going to get those things. Because the people we elected are delusional. There is no bipartisanship possible with people who are pushing lies. Who have zero intention of legislating. Who can not and will not accept any compromise or concession.
The inability of the Democratic leadership to see that, is infuriating. You did NOT change things just by winning. You have to act and those actions must result in passed legislation. Not you shrugging and saying you tried while insuring that it is not possible to pass any bills.
Yes, we’re talking about the filibuster. Which was never intended for use in the constitution. Which is only in place because of a screwed up wording on a procedural document. Which, when it was abolished in the House resulted in more and meaningful legislation to pass. And such would be the effect in the Senate. But Democrats are too afraid. They are betting that they will lose and be in the minority again. And that mindset will not fly with those of us who came out for you this time.
If you fail to pass meaningful legislation as you failed to impanel the bipartisan 1/6 commission, don’t expect us in the midterms. We will give up. We won’t vote in the opposition. Most will just not vote. Because you will have proven that even when you are in control, you still can’t make it work. You still play like its a game.
Well, unfortunately, Trumps apprentices are coming. This wasn’t a war you won. It was a single battle, after which you declared yourselves the total victors even while there were still combatants on the field.
And when it comes around again, your failures now will empower your opponents and the enemies of what this Nation could have been.
We implore you to wake up. We are signing petitions and writing senators. We are pleading with you. But if you fail to listen, to act…we won’t be there when you need us most. Just as you are not with us now, when we need you.
After taking a nap after work, as you do, I woke to find my new power supply was awaiting me. This time, I checked the box over thoroughly to make sure it was what I ordered. Platinum, check. 750 watt, check. And…(sigh of relief) modular. Triple check and all good.
I unboxed it and made sure that all was advertised and finding it was, set to comparing the plug placement. If the arrangement is too different from my current setup then I would end up doing some recabling anyway. While the arrangement is a little different, it is a better setup and will make it easier for me to seat the cables. All good.
I open my case, being careful to detach the fans at the midpoint rather than at the motherboard. No removing the radiator this time, thanks. I unseat the cables and it sucks just as much as I remember. Hurting my fingers yet again. I console myself with the thought that it’s just one more time.
I unscrew the old supply and remove the now mostly dead object. The fan stopped spinning midway through my work day yesterday and I’ve been ramping up the anxiety since then. I grab the new psu and align it so that the fan will spin and intake air properly. Then I put all of the cables in. They click into place much easier than the did with my old psu, except for the last one.
This is the cable that had a slight offset arrangement from the original psu and it slides in reluctantly. I push and pull but the cable won’t seat to 100%. Fuck. So I trace where this cable goes and… It’s to the DVD drive that I haven’t used in 4 years. So, fuck it. Good enough. But I’m not going to screw everything back in place without testing it. Because wouldn’t that just take the cake, get it all set up and it doesn’t work? No. Gotta test it. So I plug in the power cord and the passive lights come up. I set the power rocker to on and I hit the power button.
It boots right up…but the fan doesn’t turn on.
I check the documentation and it says that it has to reach a 40°C operating temperature to flip on the fan. So ok I put my hand to the exhaust vent, and it’s a little warm but not very. Huh. So I kick on 5 simultaneous instances of blue stacks and then kick on a graphics intensive game(Vermintide 2). After an hours worth of running the fan kicks on.
I have to check to make sure it’s spinning because it makes zero sound. Heavy sigh of relief.
I shut it all down and put the side panel back. I’m careful and don’t accidentally pull the fan cable like last time and get the midway cable reseated. Then I set it up in its normal position and boot it up. Just testing that the case fans come on, and they do! I shut down again and go to sleep. Anxiety averted at least for now, I find hours of sleep that I normally am wide awake for. Hopefully this means my sleep schedule will be back on track.
My computer is the primary source for entertainment, news, work, and just general time wasting. So when my power supply fan started grinding and stopping, I stopped and assessed. I can’t afford a new system right now. But I could replace the PSU. But I’ve never done that before.
I’m lucky in that my current PSU is modular. So as long as I got a similar PSU that was also modular, I’d be ok.
So, I did some research and found my original purchase was for a 500 watt silverstone Gold. All good, I found a good price for a 650 silverstone platinum. It got delivered on Thursday and I unhooked the cables on my power supply, bruising the crap out of my fingertips in the process. Those cables hadn’t moved in 6 years.
So I get the power supply out and I immediately notice that it is larger than the one I bought. No big deal, it’s been awhile, maybe technology has changed. Then I see that it is a 750 watt supply…shit. I’ll need to return the one I bought because I’m looking for parity here. So I put it all back, bruising my fingertips some more to get it reseated and screwed back in. I had taken the opportunity to really blow the dust out of every nook in the Psu and while I had dusted it just recently, more dust blew out.
When I reinstalled it, the fan was working fine, no grind and no stopping. So great. Maybe I had more time to replace the psu. I returned the psu(power supply unit) and got my money back as credit. I located the right size, a 750 watt platinum silverstone modular. It’s set to arrive on Saturday. Ok, I can eak it out till then.
On Friday the computer works fine. No fan problems but the fan wobble is back. Ok, I can deal. By Saturday the fan is grinding and I need to replace the psu. The new one comes, it says it is 750 and I pull the old psu, further bruising my fingertips. I open the box for the new one….and it’s not modular. It’s fixed. Which means I would need to rerun all the cabling in my computer to use this psu…and it’s bronze instead of platinum. It’s the equivalent of buying a car that is supposed to be an automatic suv and getting a manual gremlin. Fuck!
So I go to put the psu back again. More finger bruising and while I’m putting the case side back and plugging the case fans back in, the power cable to the fans which connects to the motherboard comes loose. That connector slides underneath the radiator for my liquid cooling setup. And it’s impossible to plug back in without unseating the radiator and fan setup. So I remove that, plug it back in. Then forget how the radiator was situated and spend 5 minutes figuring out what side is up on it. Then get it installed. Everything is hooked back up and plugged back in. Second time in as many days.
I setup the return of the wrong psu and get a new one ordered. It arrives on Tuesday.
Meanwhile, on Sunday, the fan continues to grind and it full stops. That’s super bad. Like potential to catch on fire bad. I turn off my computer and leave it off. I need it for work on Monday and Tuesday.
I place the whole rig on it s side so that I can monitor the psu fan and kick start it my manual rotation with a non reactive poker. In this case a long q tip(the wooden end) which I use to clean other electronics. All day Monday I’m filled with anxiety. I CANNOT afford a new system. I have my huge standing fan pointed directly at the intake for air on the psu. The fan stops multiple times throughout the work day. And I manage to kick start it each time. But I can tell, its on its last legs.
I turned off my system as soon as I got through the work day. And I will do the same tomorrow. If I dont get the right one tomorrow, I’m gonna break down. Then I’m gonna have to go to best buy and hope. Because there is no way that the psu lasts the week.
So a ton of stress, but at least I finished 2 books in my reading back catalogue.
I was just reading, as you do, and I read a line that struck me. At closing, he said, “…I was pretending I was on a mission from God.”
And my immediate thought was, you are.
If you follow a god of any sort then what else would you be doing in this life?
I’m a pretty hardcore believer in gods and owe fealty to my god in particular. And that colors my actions.
I use the Bender analogy from Futurama. In it, he’s floating in space and a tiny civilization springs up. He tries to help them. But he’s too vast, too large, and his actions cause huge effects which have many unintended consequences.
So, what’s a god to do?
Well, we are what. Those of us who have faith are charged with acting in big and small ways which reflect the will of our deity.
It’s one of the reasons I have trouble with modern religions. People are always praying for something or asking their deity for something. Faith isn’t a transaction. You don’t give them faith and they give you what you want. They don’t exist to serve you.
You serve them. You act in faith for them. If you wish to pray for things then answer your own prayer. You are here as the will of your god. Act like it. Without looking for benefit. In faith.
I think that there may be an impression, for those who have read my writing for a while, that I am a fighter. That I would react to an in your face fight and come out on top. This is not the case.
Oh, I’ll fight back if hit. And I’ll fight in the moment if it’s neccesary. But, it’s with full knowledge that I will likely lose. I’ve been in my share of fights when I was younger. Fights that I continually lost. I would change tactics. I would make plans. But I would lose. I have a broken nose that never set right. Leading to a slightly crooked face, a little canted to the left. But I snore lightly if at all, so jokes on them, they probably corrected something for me.
As I grew up, I would still fight because I had a temper. Still do, but now it’s muffled behind layers of self control and fail safes. I would just pick my battles and the grounds of those battles better. Always with an eye towards victory.
I’ve learned that fighting is sometimes neccesary. But that losing rarely is. As long as you choose the battle. Nowadays, in the moment, well…I’ll still get my ass beat. I have no illusions in that regard. But, afterwards….afterwards is another story. I don’t forget. And forgiveness is something I apply only to those who deserve it.