Confusion is perfectly normal

I am a creature full of mourning for a relationship that is and was and could have been and may yet still be. If you find that confusing, all I can say is welcome to my life. This happens more often than not. Perhaps I am an addiction that is almost but not quite enough or maybe when I see a person I am connected to I have little regard for consequence and instead throw my heart to the crucible and dare them to join me.

It’s hard to see someone you love make a choice that takes them away. To a better place almost assuredly but still it’s hard to see them go and the heart crushes under the weight of too familiar pain.

So why do I do this time and again? Honestly, I know of no other way to be. I love. I fall in love. I see. I choose. I wait. I break. It is as if these are what I am and while I am many things beside, at the core, love is who I am.

Rubbing the sleep from too tired eyes

The problem with hunger is that it never really goes away. We can suppress it or turn it to other things but that taste of the thing you desire is never fully satisfied. Only when satiated is it quiet. My inner Dominant sleeps. Unquiet. Distractions abound. Work, computer games, phone games, great conversations, writing, poetry, exercise. But it’s like feeding a ravenous wolf table scraps, only by shear will is it controlled, and that control is slipping. My wolf plays closer and closer to the surface and soon I will bite as soon as soothe or worse turn the beast inward. I need a person to bend for me, bow to me, call me Sir and mean it, and most importantly, stay. Life and the wheel turns. And the consequence to not being crippled by sadness is that I am awake and seeking and the wolf inside drowses lighter and lighter. If I were better at starting relationships I’d go to local munches but I hold back looking for…someone, something more than a connection by lifestyle. Instead, a connection for life and lifestyle. I could no more have one without the other. The wolf will awake. It will happen. Best to have a safe outlet when it does.

Dating and real relationships

The trouble with dating is that it happens under this pressure cooker of “this is a romantic relationship”. It’s very where are we going. When do we kiss, was that a signal, etc etc. Outside of Morgan, my best relationships have been a outgrowth of shared experiences and time. Sharing ideas and thoughts and time. Which is not to say that I didn’t fall a bit in love quickly, I mean, this is me we’re talking about but time and ease and talking (in whatever medium) that’s what makes a relationship go. Morgan was lightning but even there we spent hours talking before we ended up in bed and we spent so much time talking about everything.

Communication and time, these are the keys. (I’m glossing over kindness, respect, joy, etc because to me those are a given, an of course. Maybe that’s not the same for everyone? I get the feeling it’s not, from my friends experiences)

Where does the truth lie

Between the me I know and the me people see
They see the second thought, the revised actions
After my first words filter up. Taking control, taking command, no assumption that they necessarily know.
But the second is what I say, what I do, filtered by my rules. There to protect all of you, not myself.
Maybe that I have and will not breach my rules is the good. Or is it something else? There are actions and thoughts that my rules don’t enter into. The immediate reaction to help those that I love, those that are mine, to defend them, to act in their best interests.

Pointless musing on a midnight clear

So much seems to hinge on circumstance. The turn of a phrase or an action. A misplaced step or a perfectly balanced step. More and more I see the limits of what may be possible as the disadvantage of not being impulsive or not being secure enough financially to take an action or not have enough faith in my abilities to land on my feet. Because, if I did, I would have flown to her when she got hurt. It might not have made a difference but we would know.

Or I would have moved to Texas where, it seems, there is a nexus of my tribe. And that could be a miracle or a folly. But I can’t know at this distance.

Or maybe that’s all delusion and I’m just wonderful words on a screen and in person it would be disaster. But I don’t know, because I can’t think to take any kind of step to bring me to them. Is it prudence or cowardice? Am I so bound in secondary rules that I can’t even go without a strong reason or a invitation?

Or are they just dreams that on seeing we’d all wake up from. I wish I could tell you.

Testing the waters

Consumed by a internal landscape of how to get from one to the other. What is the light, what is my light. I understand the darkness I get that. What does my light look like. Do I need to find it or merely embrace it? That image of the sunny smiley person isn’t me. When I smile, I smoulder or bounce in irreverent joy. But even in joy, I am serious. I may look stern or angry but that’s just surface. Below is either turmoil or placid or passion. I have to choose. Acting as I see neccesary is nature to me. I can’t suppress my desires, my ebbulance. But I’m quiet. And I am certain about things and that is taken for smug or arrogant. I know things. I see things. There is a mystical side to me. And in that area I have definite ideas. It’s in my relationships that I am uncertain. Even my friendships. Not because I don’t know who I am. But because I do. And I know that I can be a bit like a ocean. Deep and easy to drown in. I can be a storm swift and dangerous. I can be fog, unknown and unknowable. I don’t know.

…misses the mark by a country mile(addendum to An arrow from a clear blue sky)

So my earlier post was one where I let my overthinking brain effect me in ways that you think I would be used to. But nope.

I spoke with who I was concerned I had wronged and I found that I couldn’t have been more incorrect if I had a team of experts working on it.

As much as I value communication, I suppose I need to be better at it. Practice, practice, practice

An arrow from a clear blue sky

For the last three days I was happy. Not manic as I’ve been before but happy, truly happy. Not because I was with someone, not because I’d fallen in love. I’ve let go of all of that. It’s not going to happen. I recognize that now.

But accepting that, I was happy. Then I read something and realized that I may have put my desires ahead of a friend’s needs when they were hurt and the glazing over my heart cracked and shattered. And I am left with this terrible possible truth. I don’t know if she would regard it the same.

For me it had been a bright beautiful moment a day of complete bliss and joy. I thought I was helping a friend. And doing it in a way that was needful, neccesary. The right perfect action in the moment. And if I was wrong about that. Then nothing I’ve ever done is right

My happiness and this incident are months apart.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just looking for a reason to be hurt

Love, in its many forms

When I say “I love someTHING”, I mean I feel a deep emotional connection to that thing or that this thing in some way makes my life livable. I love music or I love Luis Royo’s art. When I say I love you, I mean I feel a deep and abiding emotional connection that changes how I see the world because now all things include you in the context loop of my thoughts. When I click Love in a social media context I mean I either love you the person dealing with situation or that the thing is something I feel a deep emotional connection to.

This is a reaction to the “I love you” vs “I’m in love with you” statement.

People use the wording to differentiate romantic vs Platonic love. For me, platonic love is merely a lower level of romantic love. Often, platonic love is just a suppression of romantic love, which can become more if the opportunity presents itself.

Family is different. I love them at a remove from myself. They exist as love by connection, if that makes sense.

Platonic and romantic love, exist internally. Familial exists outside that. It is a web of obligations and connections. In many respects it is like the way that I regard someone as mine. It invokes a web of obligations and connections. Maybe that makes for a muddle but it exists as crystalline truth to me.