Is it folly to love deeply?
To break bread with heartache in the slim hope of a tomorrow not promised?
To drink from the cup of dreams
Our love burns now
A fire unquenched
A conflagration which itself ignites and births forth a sun
And still I fear
For life has taught me that I fail
No matter how deep
And too often quenched before mine own
Or maybe not this time
Maybe in each other we are found
I am a fool of hope
Painting pictures in my blood
And soon joined
“How will I ever let you go?”
Whispers the dark liar
“She won’t want you”
I don’t need assurance
I’m no fading flower waiting to be perked up
I need her by my side
My champion, my conqueror,
If I could see the future, I’d see it with you
If I could walk any path
It would be to you
I have walked so many roads
To falter some
If there were but a glimmer of you
If I could see with the clarity I’ve searched for
Looking in the darkness
For the glimmer of you
I can’t stop looking
You are there
And though I lose hope
And though I cry
And find the strength to find you
Before the end of my life
To hold you in my arms
To know the peace of our love
And if I fail
Never will I quit
Life is but a door
I’ll walk through them all
To find you
A desolate jungle bursting with life
predators… and prey
But not the right one
Animals burst from cover and spill out into the light
The cat watches listless
Only perking up when a particular bird sings sweet
Waiting for soft touch, for song,
for chance, for choice
For safety, for a truth spoken in the heart
And the soft crunch of bones
There is a world of white and black. Sides of a coin hung in opposition but between the infinite sliver of what was and what will be. In this deepening gray I dwell, a voice raised in song.
Hold me in the heat of a dawning. The sun dances fresh across my lips tasting of your heart. The thought of your flesh yielding to my fierce touch. My voice rises in song. A song of seeking, of finding its lost way to you.
What I want more than anything is you.
Have we met?
Am I waiting for you or you for me?
If you know, tell me. I dislike waiting.
I’m looking but not looking.
Not seeking but open.
Not persuing, except in dreams, and how to tell one dream from reality.
I can feel you in the world or is that my heart beating, resonating to a frequency you feel as shivers down your spine?
Have we spoken and I or you said something in our head which, if said aloud would have made all the difference?
Is it better to speak as if there is no tomorrow that matters excepting those seconds that pass while in your heart?
This eyeless sense of love moves me like a blind cave fish seeking warmth.
Or am I merely deluded, and is the delusion that love exists and waits for a word mere delusion or a hope?
And is a hope better than the truth of lonely nights?
I dreamed of many things but primarily of a woman who would get caught in a world of words. Get lost in them. In the dream, I met her on a trip. It was the mountain dreamscape. A natural and wild area. I was camping and she was out in the wilderness and we shared a fire. It was cold, so we shared a chair next to the fire. Her snuggled in my lap. Her head against my heart.
The dream shifted to a woman telling a story about how she sometimes fell into a world where words would send her spinning. Where the words themselves become a world and she feels like she is fighting to get clear. To get home. And it’s like I’m riding along in her mind. I can see all of this, the fight and the journeys that take lifetimes and moments. That seems like pauses where she gets lost and is inattentive but really she is struggling with everything she has to get back.
Then I’m watching her give a talk about a book she’s written about the experience of her affliction and I find she has dedicated the book to me.
And the dream shifts and we’re in bed, my real bed complete with too many pillows and crimson sheets. And I turn to her and say, “Really? I really mean that much, help you that much that you want the world to know?”
She says, “of course, you keep me in the world. When you are here, I rarely slip away and rarely for long. And I remember that night on the ridge when you didn’t know me but you shared your fire and warmth.”
I say, “I love you, you are mine.” she smiles like I’ve given her the best news and we hold each other. Then I get up to get ready to go to work. But I’m waking from the dream and I don’t want to. I return to bed and hold her. She says, “I thought you were going to work.” I say, “I don’t want to leave here.” and I break and say “please, don’t leave me. Please, stay. Please.”
Then I wake completely. And she is gone. And I am crying.
Spread my wings out
Are made of bones
To stay alive
Stretch my hand
Out to the sky
I know you’re
Worth the fight
I’m losing my mind
One touch and
Of being alone
But you’re here
These things that
These doubts that
In my chest
Caged in regret
But you’re here now
Wake me, from this dream
I am clean
kiss the palm of your hand
To hold it to my beating heart
Trail kisses until our lips meet
Shivering with choices we’ve yet to make
She waits for me when I close my eyes, delighted that I have come back to her. Who are you? I sent out a call and you appeared in my dreams. I can feel your lips on mine. The warmth of you next to me, snuggled down in bed under comforter. I feel the pull of you. But I don’t know to where. I cannot direct my feet when I know not the destination. The advice would be to allow the world to move and as it moves be pulled to you like gravity. And that’s wise. But the voice of experience says, you must find her and be with her. Life is fleeting it says and each moment should be lived in exquisite joy. And I want the latter but I have no choice but to follow the former.
You are the focus of my heart
All others are merely wisps, ephemeral shadows.
My passion turns to our life together.
Possibly this attention is far too scary?
Trust in me, I won’t fail you.