Pawns of a waking dream

There was a time when I thought I could teach the world what it could be
Thought that shaping words and connecting thoughtss
Invoking emotions and making manifest not just desire but forming reality to will
Would somehow resonate and works its way beyond my borders
Would transform those it touched and somehow reshape a world dying

As days and years passed
I gave up on those thoughts that bloomed as a redolent flower which strutted and strived
Glitzy and hollow
Grip slowly relinquished as new life broke the mold of what was making me into what would be
And in the chrysalis of new beginning
A blow to the heart set me spinning away from one path as time and history rewrote itself
And I
At junction
At crux
Was cast out
Flotsam on the river of causality
Chrysalis hardens to shell
And denied outward growth
The only way out became down
Deep through pain and loathing
Into depression which had always nibbled at the edges
And now gloried in being centerpiece for a captive audience
Deeper
Core out each piece
And discern crystal or flaw
Raw and wriggling
Pink remora leaving behind fresh wounds but dying alone on the cold pavement
Each passing year a broken memory until tattered cataclysm in shredded throat torn again and again
feeling as blood and pressured release
Scream frequency finding harmonic resonance
In shell long past useful
And burst outward infecting
Killing what it touched
And still a bit remained
A blade sheathed beneath bone
A weapon of times long gone
Master no more and wielded wild-eyed
Agony as all walls fall and what was out caresses newly formed akin
Until pleasure and pain are just two ways of speaking and both hold no discernable sway over the other
Instead, both in their firmament
Gods bestride a world of flesh
And I mistress and master
Betrayed broken and each broken rib pierced breath
Imperceptibly easier

Until anew
A person looks out
Wondering at a world they didn’t live through
A time traveler taking the longest route through blindness to arrive in a fight that cannot be one
With coping skills that say to take a simple action
One that heart and eyes know will be unforgivable but effective
Begging anyone willing to give permission for the monster inside
Blade buried in bone
To be let free
Afraid to be allowed to be
And watching as it all burns
Silence let’s go its grip
A wave forms seeking cross and disruption
Seeking amplitude match
And growth
Seeking
Voice to voice
Until all of us
Throats raw and bleeding
In notes crystalline from cores of reflected shatters
Speak
Sleepers
Wake!

Nightmares are also dreams Part 37

I pull myself away feeling the rushing of the warm air to fill the gap between us. Still holding Tara’s hand, I guide her to the still steaming shower. A brief thought of the water bill and the chain to water conservation flashes through my mind. Considering the water table cistern proposal the Spire has considered building. All thought of such flees as the heavy spray pounds and splashes against Tara’s upturned breast.

She exults in the tumult and I slide closed the shower door. Her humming hushed by the glass.

I stand on the outside, looking through the glass as if watching a movie, then pivot on my heel and look over the beautiful pale skin of my Sara. The streaked red blonde hair giving testament to the ministrations of our love who frolics alone in the shower.

I hold out my hand and Sara rises to her feet. The soft creak of joints held in pose too long and the flush of embarrassment of this proof of age.

I pull her to me. Her nude body small against me. Her presence towers in the my mind but here, against me, I look down and see the top of her head.
I lean down and kiss her forehead.

“Come, my love, I have a treat for you.”

We walk into the bedroom. Her hand clasped in mine. I stop us by her dressing mirror and pull her collar off the hook and hold it out to her.

Sara takes it from me and, holding my eyes, cinches it around her neck. That soft thrill as she affirms my ownership of her thrums through me. Taking a ragged breath, heavy with desire, I reach over to her lead. I attach it and ball the leather around my fist. Then tug and half drag my slave-wife to the living room. The Saint Andrews cross is set up but what draws the eye is the row of leather clad heavily muscled young men.

Addressing Sara, “I give you the choice of instrument. Either these young men or the cross.”

She looks at me. The war of desire for the certainty of the cross vs the unknown of the men fights in her. I can read her thoughts of the discussion we had concerning multiple partners and the fear as she again realizes that I remember every discussion we have. And that any of it, given the framework of our agreement, would constitute an informed discussion.

With a shiver she replies, “Sir, please pick for me.”

Nightmares are also dreams Part 36

Her eyes tunnel into mine. A look of concentration and adoration pouring out coupled with a growing desperation. The soft flesh over iron meeting the eager pressure of softly parted lip. Shaft pushing into the warm and wet of an increasingly slobbery mouth. Her tongue pressed and exploring the pulsing quiver. The panic creeping in as each second passes with less air than she needs.

I pull her off my cock and allow the ragged gasps. Drool pooling on breasts and body paint runneled, ruined. Once I’m sure she can breathe, I gather a fistful of silken hair and force my way back into her mouth. Pushing myself and her until I feel the resistance at the back of her throat. She’s sucking hard and tongue is beating frantic like a hummingbird against me.

Something about using her mouth like a cock sleeve and her eagerness and obvious need for this rough treatment, makes me jump and quiver. Until, at last, holding her, cum shoots out, coating her tongue and mouth in the fruits of our desires. I pull her off and she collapses. I watch as she swallow and gasps for air.

“Sara,” I say, “clean me up.”

Sara sinks down beside our messy gasping fox and begins slowly lapping at my cock and balls. Sucking and licking every inch until all of the slobber and cum are gone.
Leaving me glistening and erect.

Sara waits patiently and Tara composes herself. Arraigning her posture to match Sara’s contemplative waiting.

Eyes forward, kneeling, buttocks resting and folded against thighs.

I reach out for Tara’s hand. She hesitates for the barest second and reaches up. Roughly grasping her hand I pull her to her feet and bend her back over the sink. Pressing my erectness into the soft flesh of her pelvis. I grasp her throat in my hand, pressing lightly against arteries, lightly cutting off oxygen.

I lean down and whisper against her ear, in a fierce growl, half mad from need and pride, “Mine.”
Ready for our shower.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 35(possible trigger warning)-Tara

I’ve been waiting in the bathroom for a long time. The shower pounds against the tiles in staccato bursts. The air is heavy with steam and the floor length mirror is completely obscured. This room has become its own pocket world. The world outside falls away and I am alone. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Alone, quiet, and safe.

My mind plays back the parade of boyfriends who hurt me. Who raped me in the guise of being a good slave. Who hurt me over and over again until they left. And I went looking for a new master.

I can feel myself shaking and shivering. Sometimes, when I remember, I feel as lost and alone as when I was with them. And sometimes I feel like that’s what I want. That pain and the total loss of control. To know that the man standing over you could rip into your flesh and you would beg and scream and he would smile.

Sometimes I wish Pel would destroy me. Would leave me a bloody sobbing mess. He refuses. Says I’m not ready. Says he won’t be lumped in with my abusers. It’s only in the quiet that I can admit that I’m waiting for him to turn. To prove that this is all just one long setup, that he only builds me up to later break me.

When Sara is around or Pel is in the room, I can never see that happening. But I’ve admitted it to our therapist, in a one on one session. She says it’s normal. Normal to expect the behavior of people who have hurt us in the past, to be the same behavior that we’ll always get. But that doing so, when all evidence to the contrary is presented, is self destructive. And it’s gotten better.

I think that as awful as the morning was. As monstrous as killing and torturing one of the Circles breakers was…it was the right thing. It has separated the past from the present. Put a period to the life I lived before and showed me who I am. Strong. Capable.

I turn to the sudden cold rush of air and see Pel standing there. Nude but never naked. Sara is peaking out from behind him, mouth open, showing the reason he was delayed. The white foam of saliva and seed disappears as she swallows it all.

My eyes wander to Pels cock. The shaft erect and pulsing.

Sara’s dark voice purrs out, “I’ve saved some for you my love.”

I look between Sara and Pel. Sara, mischievous and indulgent. Pel, calm and waiting, but a dark eagerness sitting just inside his eys.

I sink to my knees, the soft bath mat cushioning. I slide my mouth down the hard length of him, tongue pushing against his pulse. My eyes cast upward, asking for permission. Pel nods.

I pull my mouth away. Hesitant. I ask, “Sir, will you please fuck my mouth.”

Pel looks a bit surprised. It’s the first time I’ve asked for brutal treatment. He pauses long enough that I’m sure I’ll be denied.

Then, his cock is pushing its way back into my mouth. Slamming against the back of my throat and I hear the tiger growl of “Yes. Mine.”

Nightmares are also dreams Part 34

The photographer walked in rumpled and a bit worse for wear.

“He must have given the guards a hard time,” I murmured to Sara.

“Just as long as he’s professional, this should be fine,” replied Sara.

I watch his eyes wander the decor. Lingering over the more functional and esoteric pieces of furniture. Eyes finally centering on Sara, Tara, and I.

His breath hitches a bit when he realizes Tara is wearing only body painy but he then ignores us and sets up his gear.

This whole process is like getting a tattoo. Cool in concept, awesome when it’s finished but mostly dull with some moments of excruciating pain thrown in just to keep it interesting.

He moves us around like marionettes. Positioning us to catch the light of the fading sun. Moving Tara so that she’s between us or at our feet. Calm and efficient.

And finally he packs up and promises to have the pictures ready soon for us to look at and pick through.

Sara looks exhausted and Tara seems like she’s ready to get out of the body paint.

“Sara, if you would be so kind as to call the guard station and tell them to start phase 3, we can go and rest for a bit.”

“Tara, get your cute butt to the shower. I’ll be in shortly to wash you.”

Tara minces her way past, each step a study in sleepy seduction. She looks back over her shoulder and smiles that knowing smile. The soft flash, there and gone as she disappears around the corner.

Sara looks at me and asks, “What’s phase 3?”

“Just a private meal and some alone time. I thought we’d cater in. I presumed we’d be too tired to cook much of anything.”

Sara smiles up, eyes flashing through half lidded eyes, “But what if I’m hungry now?”

I smile, “Well, presumably, you will find something to eat that is to your liking.”

Her hands reach to my waist and the sounds of metal against leather unclasping hiss through the room.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 33-The Photographer

I pull onto a private road that goes back into one of those McMansion neighborhoods. All clean lines and faux luxury finishes. Lush parks only seen by toddlers and nannies and midrange luxury vehicles when little Ethan and Tad play soccer.

The house is at the end of a long street ending in a cul-de-sac and only has one neighbor. The lot to the right appears to be some kind of guard house. Figures that this neighborhood would have its own private security.

To the left the house is a standard two story with windows streaming in light. Hell, even the door has windows. It’s the ultimate show piece. Look at my glass house and all the fabulous toys.

The house to the right has the same arrangement but all the windows are silvered and reflective.
And there is something off that I can’t put my finger on. These are supposed to be wedding photos…so where are all the cars?

Anyway, the jobs the job. I park on the street and get out my camera bags. Time to schlep like a sherpa. I really need an assistant. But assistants cost money…maybe an intern…

There isn’t a doorbell so I put down my bag, gently, and reach for the door knocker when a voice from a hidden intercom says, “Look up, into the camera.”

Startled, I look around until I see the camera perched in the upper right.

The feminine voice demands, “State your name and business.”

“Jonathan Franks. No relation,” I say with a smile. “Wedding Photographer.”

“Hold out your arms, perpendicular to your legs,” the voice states.

Rolling my eyes, I set down my other bag and hold out my arms. What are they going to do laserscan me?! This is such bullshit. I’m adding an asshole surcharge to the bill.

I jump when hands start running along my arms and back.
“What the fuck?!,” I demand.

“Sir, just hold still and this will be over soon.” That same feminine voice from behind me this time.

Mentally adding 5% to the surcharge, I hold still. Every nook and cranny is poked and prodded.

These rich bitches. Security as status symbol. Like it wouldn’t be in the camera cases if I was smuggling a weapon.

“Ok sir. Walk with me to the security building and we will get you processed and x-ray your gear.”

Fuck this. I’m hitting them with my 50% crazy bastards surcharge. Even with that, I know this is gonna be a shit gig.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 32-Interlude-Pel

Watching my girls play is the best part of my day. I spend time thinking about them. Wondering why I keep working. Why I keep taking ops. Why I keep doing this thing I do?

And then I remember. I remember the faces. The smiles. The jokes. The sorrow filled faces looking back at me, knowing that there isn’t anything left to do but die. My people.

I can lie to myself and pass them off as employees. As people who made choices. But at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible. I took the contract. I sent them into harms way. And I’m the reason they died.

People will say it’s the person who planted the bomb, pulled the trigger, or plunged the blade. And they’re right. They’re right. But it’s not a zero sum equation. And my choices, my intel, my signature on some piece of paper sent them careening into the path of the bullet and nothing I do makes up for that.

But what I can do is take care of their families. Take care of their legacies. And make better decisions in the future. But I can’t do that without money. And I can’t do that without resources. And really, this is the only life I know. So I take my joys where I can.

Take my girls and give them the chance at safety and joy and love. All while I know, my men and women are executing orders and placing themselves one step closer to that final sleep.

Sometimes the responsibility hits you out of nowhere. The crushing weight, briefly unbearable
Until something lifts you up.

Tara’s impish smile and Sara’s brazen grin. And the nods of the guards. Who know what happens when I go too quiet and my gaze slips distant. And remind me, life doesn’t stop. Best get to it.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 31-Tara

This body paint is something else. I could not believe that was me in the mirror and yet it felt like I was seeing myself as the truest me I’ve ever been. Being a fox makes sense to me. Like all the world has been slightly out of sync until I saw the truest expression of my self in the mirror and now the last tumbler has clicked into place and all I need do is walk through the now unlocked door.

I exit my room and notice Pel is doing that oh so attentive unattentive nonchalance thing he does when he is self-satisfied with some ploy of his. My eyes flick over to Sara. Her look says it all. If eyes could light fires, I’m sure Pel’s tux would be in flames.

I follow my last instructions and present myself to Pel. I know he loves me but I always feel the slightest moment of fear before he speaks. I can’t seem to find a way to get the thought that he’ll harm me out of my head. It’s not even some fear that the other shoe will drop. It’s just that the look of possession and lust and ownership in his eyes look just like Mark’s eyes. He’d be hurt if I told him that. It’s not how he sees himself. Not as a predator but as a protector, but those eyes are the same. Until he kisses my forehead and whispers in my ear, “How’s my sweet fox girl doing?”

I don’t know how he does it. Maybe the tone of voice? But just a whispered question and I’m blushing and my skins normally so pale that I blush all over. But he’s waiting for me to say something, and with a little hiccup, I say, “I’m a very happy fox, today.”

He takes my hand and turns us towards Sara.

With a smile, Pel says, “Well, my dears, ready to take some pictures.”

I struck silent. Sara’s eyes hold the same predatory gleam that Pel’s has. The same desire and possessive need pours from her.

I startle when Pel leans over to me and whispers, “You know, foxes are predators too.”

Nightmares are also dreams Part 30

I catch Sara looking as she realizes I’ve set her up. Her shock and wounded false innocence wakes a smile in me. One of those slow smiles that grow until you’re grinning. That slowly spreads until you are looking up from the deep well of self, shining out from your eyes and your pores. As if, suddenly, you are more yourself now. As if you are more fully awake than you have ever been.

I watch her shudder. She knows. Knows that I’ve constructed this just for her. Knows that she is deep in my web of machinations. I wait for her to call yellow or red. I know I’ve pushed her. She thinks that she has dealt with her parents but I know how they treat her. Like she has failed because she married me. Like she failed because she didn’t marry into some blue blooded, cold, social climbing family. Because she works and sullies her hands by brokering deals.

I know she is afraid of them. Afraid they will reach out their political might and squash me. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve worked with all of their friends. Small, personal contracts mainly but the bottom line is that they like me better than they like her family. And I have more than enough information to cut off any back channel deal they can try to cook up.

I can get along just fine with them because I don’t give a fuck what they think. But when she is around them, she reverts back to that scared teenager who is so different from them but can’t show it. She refuses to let me handle it. But a punishment and a scene can push her boundaries. Which let’s me handle this my way. I know she thinks that we are doing some kink shoot. And we will, we most definitely will. But first we are going to take some real wedding style pictures. Something we can send out for Solstice cards. Because, if they hurt her more than I can allow, I’ll have to do something I’d rather not. And this may spur a conversation that allows us all to circumvent that.

Here comes Tara. Fully body painted as a fox. She looks lithe and perfect. She walks over and presents herself for inspection. They’ve airbrushed the appearance of fur. It even shifts and moves with her movements. I snap her collar and lead on. Watching her beam at me. I glance over at Sara. I can see the war of pride and fear in her and know that she is trapped now.

Nightmares are also Dreams Part 29-Sara

I cannot believe that man! My mother’s dress! Like I would wear that frumpy conservative lump. And to imply that I had less than 30 minutes for hair and makeup…no absolutely not?! Just because he’s the Master doesn’t mean he gets to dictate how I look. We did not negotiate this and I am not going to let him get away with this…this…punishment. I encouraged our pet to play and she is super happy now and he punishes me! No, absolutely not. If he tries anything else, I’m calling red and stopping this trainwreck.

Pictures for my parents. They know that I’m married. They don’t know the specifics of our relationship and they don’t need to know! Their arch-conservatives rich bitches and they could start throwing their weight around. Pel thinks he can play in their world but he can’t. It’s all clandestine words of warning and bribes disguised as political contributions.

Pel’s idea of subtle coercion is blackmail and a gun. He’d get eaten alive in their world. Petty warlords and tin pot dictators have nothing on the political bureaucrats my parents buy.

Well this is going faster than I thought…

“Where do you ladies normally work,” Sara asked the makeup and hair artists.

“We work on Broadway, dear. Your beau flew us out just for you and had us sitting on standby all day at some private hotel,” the makeup artist replied.

“Flew us on a private jet, very posh, and we never went through security so fast, I don’t know how he managed that,” the hair artisan said.

That son.of.a.bitch. He was planning this the whole fucking time. Flew them across country on a whim! Bullshit. He was going to do this the entire day. He was just waiting for me to disobey or infract in any way and if I didn’t he would have set up a no win scenario.

That sneaky, conniving, beautiful bastard of a man.
I look over to see him sitting in his tux, reading on his phone and drinking a glass of pineapple juice. Not a care in the world.

He looks up like he can tell I’m looking and that slow possessive smile creeps across his face, darkens his eyes and the hunger their makes me shudder.

My Pel.