You know what really gets me about my emotional journey? It’s that I’ve work for about a decade to get to a good place. And still, I find myself crying over almost anything
Hell, I’m crying while writing this.
And I had a bit of a breakthrough. At least a threshold. I used a technique where I just keep asking myself questions and being relentless until I fimd what feels like a real answer.
And the question I asked is “Why do depictions of love destroy me?”
And the first answer is that I love people making that emotional connection. And while that’s true, it also wasn’t the reason.
So I ask again, “Why does love make you cry?”
And I say, because of trauma because of Morgan.
But that’s a lie. I’ve spent 10+ years working on that trauma and I’m in a good place with it.
So why? And I’m wracking my brain for the real answer and it pops in
It makes me cry because I feel like I don’t deserve love. And I pursue that.
“Why don’t I feel like I deserve love?”
And I reply, because I’m a monster. What I desire is monstrous and how can anyone love me with those desires?
Which doesn’t make sense. But it feels right.
I’m in a relationship with someone who accepts that part of me. But still. I can’t work my way past it.
There are almost always new horizons. And growth and the journey never end.
The only certainty is existence.
It is not death.
Death is a horizon. A event that changes state. A change of state does not nullify existence.
Saying that because I existed today and died tomorrow does not negate the fact of my existence nor does it negate the fact of my continued existence, albeit in a changed state.
Humans see things through the lense of perception but that presents false images.
What is, is. And always will be. Even at the death of the universe what was still is. It may have changed its state or configuration multiple times. Even nigh infinite times. But it still is. It still exists and will into eternity.
Only complete non-existence is the opposite of existence. The complete annihilation of existence.
And that does not exist in our reality.
I may be weird. But I find that completely comforting.
I recently stumbled on a question that was asked with incredulity, “Do we deserve the justice system we have?”
And at first blush, the answer must be no. We, as a nation, as a people, do not deserve a justice system plagued by corruption, bias, and racism. All of which are at the very core of this broken system.
But, a second look…and I have to say yes. We deserve this system. We deserve it because while we lament it; While we scream about it; Change our Facebook profile pic and Tweet about it.
When it comes right down to it, we haven’t ripped it out by its roots, lit it and its every remnant on fire and put in place something that actual brings justice.
So, yes. Until we collectively take action and destroy what kills us, lies to us, imprisons us, cages our minds and diminishes our souls…
Yes, we have the justice system we deserve.
And if that doesn’t infuriate you, then you haven’t been paying attention.
I may seem callous in the face of death. Like it doesn’t touch me or effect me. And, in many ways, it doesn’t. Because I don’t think of death as a finality.
It is, instead, an inflection point. A transition from one state to another. And for the soul, the beginning of its next journey. From this life to the next. I know this. Blood and bone. It is not belief. Or hope. Or faith. It simply is. And because of that I don’t view death the same way.
But still I mourn. Not for those I love who slip beyond the veil to that next journey. No. I mourn for all of us still left here. Bereft of this person we love. Forced to endure without the beacon of their soul. Lost on these treacherous and hollow shores.
I mourn for us.
But I also am cheered. Whatever pain and hardship this life had offered are gone. And whatever joy and love it offered is carried forth. As they embark on the next journey. May they carry us well. Knowing eternally, they were loved. And they will be missed.
Working 100% from home has many many good qualities. Better time management. Uninterrupted workflow. Not having to bring or buy lunch. Throwing on music at whatever volume I want without having to modulate for others. No commute.
But what I miss is the opportunity to be compassionate. To ask someone who is struggling how they are and just listen and be there in the moment with them. That’s something hard to do over chat. Nearly impossible.
I miss those little moments where we get to be just humans being. Those moments are rare but they make a life worth it.
And, while I agree that work should not be family. That doesn’t preclude from finding family at work.
All the noise
One minute of silence
Then you get it
And its bliss
For a little while
When it used to be laughter
And people saying
Stupid shit that you want to scream at
But now its just this endless silence
Come home to empty
To the weight of the nothing
And what you wouldn’t give
For a few more minutes
Life is long
And the dreams we had
When we were young
Seem so naïve now
Seeing the world through that lense
Where your opinions are a mix
Of what your parent told you
And what you rebelled against
I thought America was a shining jewel
A beacon of the possible
A hope in a world where the darkest parts of us
Often strut about on the stage
I see its deep flaws
Its horrific tragedies
Its blatant lies
What once was golden is streaked
That false gold
Eaten by exposure
We aren’t any more divided than we always were
We just have the tools to see it now
We aren’t limited by what the local paper publishes
By what makes it on the 3 channels of television
People’s egos get bound up in belief
People’s communities get bound up in single idea activism
It is hard to walk away from all you have ever known
Hard to hold a line when doing so loses every tie
Hard to accept that the belief you had
To embrace metamorphosis
Seeing reality as a cycle is to look upon a sphere and see only the surface. It can be a useful tool but it is a child’s step away from ignorance to truth.
We fall into this trap consistently. Seeing things in stark contrast to the other. Always a binary solution set which confirms our internal bias.
Rather than viewing the totality. Because doing so overwhelms and we equate being overwhelmed with fear.
However, we cannot drown beneath these waves. And seeing reality as it is can only be a benefit. If your mind can withstand it without snapping back to the duality we cling to.
This idea that we should strive to be happy at all times is a false narrative. It presents us with a fictional truth, usually in service of selling us something. Be it a lifestyle, a car, detergent, or love.
This idea that every moment should be filled by the elevated state that is happiness is just flat wrong.
The baseline should be contentment with spikes of happy and the very occasional unhappy moment.
A constant elevated state of happy is, I assure you, drug induced. Or a fabrication.
It’s all about the base state.
Baseline content with spikes of unhappy with very occasional spikes of happy would be considered unhappy.
Baseline unhappy with spikes of contentment and very occasional extreme spikes of happy would be considered miserable or depressed.
Baseline happy should be considered manic. Contact your/a therapist.
Baseline extremes both indicate something is seriously wrong. Both need to be addressed with changes.
The vast majority of activists are part time. They see an issue in their youth or after a major life change and they go full Don Quixote for a few years(at most). Then they stop. They move to other activities. Put their money and time towards other things.
Because change is hard. You can’t tear out an entrenched establishment by the roots with a few tugs. Its a colossal entity. It takes time and slow erosion.
You have to keep showing up. Keep donating. Keep voting. Keep speaking. It’s, frankly, exhausting. So rather than stop completely, I am asking that you pick two of the things. One has to be to keep voting. As long as they are pretending its a fair system, we keep voting. And for the other, pick one.
It took 50 years for the far right to pack the Supreme Court with politically motivated justices who are completely willing to forego precedent and overturn prior decisions. All while screaming about states rights. States rights being code for racist, homophobic, and misogynistic legislation and rulings.
States don’t need more rights. Broadly speaking, they have all the rights they need. Look at all the red states packing their legislatures and overturning voting rights for the last 50 years.
And look at all states who have legalized marijuana. Despite federal law.
Excluding rights from the citizenry is not a states rights issue. It’s a authoritarian issue.
Conservatives screaming about legislation from the bench are now eerily quiet, now that they are getting their way.
Hypocrisy. On the bench. In our legislatures. In our families.
Keep fighting. As much as you can. Don’t just give up. These are dark times. But eventually there is a light.
Whether that light be the dawn of a new day, or the bonfires of revolution.