Valentine’s day 27

I’m completely done in. I drop so far into my need for connection to these women, to satisfy their needs and desires, that my frenzy controls me. But, my cock is raw and bleeding from chafing. Lube is great but I’ve had too many frictional encounters today. And yet, I want more. The pain is like scratching, it only hurts after. During, the added pain makes it amazing. But we are getting into seeing a doctor territory and I hate that.

Sara is applying liquid skin and patching me up and I am trying very hard to not get hard from her touch. I can’t think of another time when I allowed myself to get this close to danger. And still I feel a greed for more growing and I wish we could invite another man over. Because, I could watch him take Sara. Or he could take me. However, that’s just fantasy.

Tara is in no kind of shape to have strange men come over and start fucking her Owner. That would fuck up the dynamics and hinder our integration of her pet into her individual self. If we can get her there, she should be able to fully integrate and that will be better for her.

I notice Sara watching me and startle. I guess I was pretty deep in my head.

Standing and wincing, I take Sara’s hand.
Sara slips close in and asks, “Where did all that need come from?” Her voice a soft whisper that tugs me deeper into need.

I hold her eyes for a long second and feel the storm of desire rage inside me. Some reserve, some dam has broken and all my restraint feels frayed.
I feel like I’m choking on air.

My voice a harsh whisper, “I was suddenly overcome by the need to obliterate my mind and just give in to every desire. I want to hurt you. I want you to scream and beg for me to stop. I want Tara to run from me in fear. I want to catch her and ravish her. I want to see you both fucked by a parade of men and covered in cum. All at my demand. At my control. Some beast has loosed itself from its shackles inside me and I don’t know what to do.” I look at Sara imploring for understanding.

Sara nods, her dark soprano sends shivers into my fraying control, “This has been a long time coming. I’ve expected this for a while but wasn’t sure if it would ever happen. There is always a limit to control. And even masters of it can get fatigued and need to recover. You’ve been running on all cylinders for months now, juggling both I and Tara. It’s a wonder your control hasn’t snapped before now.”

“Not snapped,” I say, “Frayed.”

Raising an eyebrow, body pressed to mine, the feel of her skin to mine a state I’ll never get used to or relinquish, she says, “Really,” her voice heavy with something I can’t tell in my distraction.

“Yes,” I growl. “I haven’t done some of the more brutal things I’ve been thinking.”

The sudden image of her moaning while I fist fuck her, bleeding from a dozen small cuts. Tara suspended. The lips of Tara’s pussy just above her mouth dripping onto Sara’s face. The stream of slut and cunt dropping from my mouth scaring Tara and forcing her to get even more wet and dripping onto Sara. It all flashes through my head. And a part of me packs it away for later.

Shaking the image clear from my mind, I say
“We should check on Tara. She’s been strangely silent.”

Answers to questions

Naughty Nora asked some questions on her blog so I decided to answer them. All congratulations to her on the award!

https://ourmarriageanddomesticdiscipline.wordpress.com/2017/12/09/and-the-liebster-award-goes-to/

My answers
What are the top five on your bucket list?
This isn’t something I really have. I don’t define by a place or an action. I guess I define by a situation.
So top five in the order I think of them
1. A woman, man, or combination in my arms night after night
2. Someone who reads something I write and tells me, thank you, I needed that.
3. I would like to look at the world and think “This is good. I think humanity has turned a corner. I think we have a chance.”
4. I’d like to sing my songs in front of a audience. And have the confidence to do so.
5. I’d like to read a story to someone I love. When I had someone to do that with, I wasn’t the same man I am now and I never thought would be something I would want.

What is your favorite sexual fantasy?
Watching my lover have sex with others. Encouraging them, watching them move to full abandon, to see them take more and more and at the end I make slow passionate love after the rough. And I hold them and comfort and tell them how proud and happy I am. That they are mine and safe and respected.

What does blogging do for you?
Blogging gives me an outlet for my emotional outbursts. It gives me a place to voice my thoughts. It let’s me write poetry that I need to write. And it let’s me write fiction that I genuinely enjoy sharing.
It gives me connections to people who I would never meet. It makes me a part of a wider world.

Who has been the most influential person in your adulthood?
This is a hard question. I think it’s a group of people. It’s all the people I’ve loved who I entered into a relationship with and that relationship failed. I’ve learned so much from what worked and what didn’t. About what I’m willing to do and allow in my life and what I want. About what I need. And who I am.

If you could choose one movie star to sleep with, who would it be?
I wouldn’t. I need a strong personal relationship with someone if I’m going to fuck them. Otherwise, it’s empty and since I’d carry the memory forever, I’d just not.

What is your favorite non-sexual activity?
Listening to people tell me about their lives. That’s my favorite thing. I like reading for the same reason but it’s also that connection. That connection is paramount.

What is your favorite body part?
Tongue. To talk, to kiss. To explore.

What is one dream that you have made come true?
I am a better writer today than I was yesterday.

What is your favorite song and why?
Impossible question. I don’t have a favorite song. I have entire playlists for different reasons.

What is the funniest or grossest thing that has ever happened to you during sexual activity?
I was standing at the edge of a bed and I’m tall so I had to bend over and she was at the edge. I’m fucking her and I start to feel my feet sliding on the carpet I try to maintain my footing but I just can’t. The floor was so slippery. And slip and I fall down. And she looks at me like what happened.

You just have to laugh

Love doesn’t stop

The problem with love is that it really doesn’t give a shit if the person you love is tied to another. Maybe this is a my brain thing or maybe it’s something we societaly suppress. In the latter case, it’s still a my brain thing since I’ve cast aside most societal norms, or at least the reasoning behind those norms.

In any case, my brain doesn’t give 2 figs if someone is with someone else. If I see them, if they resonate with me, then I will fall in romantic love with them. Outside of family, I literally have 3 friends who I don’t romantically love. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have a positive desire to be with them in any kind of romantic context. But…I have more than three friends. And the rest, I do love in a romantic way. And I find myself slipping deeper into that mindset. It’s why, despite my desire, I must distance myself from some of them. Because, they don’t want to be loved romantically. They may value me and even love me, but not romantically. And I push. Anyone who knows me, knows that I push. Not in a bad way, but I will be more intimate, more caring, romantic than is comfortable. So, in accordance with their wishes and to safeguard my emotional state, I distance myself. I hate it, but I do it.

But, the point is that I don’t stop loving someone romantically because they are with another. I won’t try to split them up. I will, actually try to bolster their relationship if it makes the person I love happy. Because I do love them, and I want them happy. And if that isn’t going to be with me, then I’m going to help their relationship if I can. Maybe that seems like self sabotage. But, I can’t be honorable and harm someone I love for personal gain. That just doesn’t work. And maybe they would be happy with me, maybe happier. But that is their decision. I can’t compromise my values to bring them to my side.

Because, if I did that, I would not be the man they would love. I would be some kind of manipulator. And that is something I will not allow. Sometimes I see the cracks in a situation and it would be easy to widen those gaps. But to do so would be contrary to my code. It would be a fundamental betrayal. I’d rather die alone and unloved than to betray.

We all must live by the standards we set. Failure to do so is evil. It’s a manipulation of our own stated truths and it destroys the people who do it. One compromise leads to another until all that we are lays in ruins. We may have all that we wanted, but it’s ashes.

Master is a dirty word.

I have never been a master of anything. And even of the people who have called me master, I was not a master. To be a master is to say that I am at the pinnacle of my abilities.  There is no higher that I can go that is not simply a reimagining of the thing in which you claim mastership of. And it’s total bullshit. Because the reality is that you are not the best at what you do. Not only is there someone better than you, there is also someone better than them. 

Think about that. Not only are you not the best, you’re not even second best. You are at best, third best. And that’s good. Really. It is. Because as third best you know that there is a place to go. You can’t sit on your ass content in the knowledge that you can learn nothing more, strive for nothing more. Instead you have more to learn. More to grow. And that is the greatest gift you can give.

Because as long as you can grow, you can change. And as long as you can change, you can overcome that seemingly insurmountable goal. Because you are not the best. Because if you were the best and you couldn’t do it, well then, it simply can’t be done.

But you are not, and it can.

So how do you get past it? How do you overcome it? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not by sitting on your ass waiting for it to present itself. Waiting for it to be.

You need to work towards that goal. Because while it may be coming slowly, if you are sitting on your ass when it presents, you will be in no state neccesary to take advantage of it. And it will pass you by. And with you on your ass, it will be all you can do to waive at it, as it speeds by.

But if you had been working towards it, you would have matched speeds and climbed aboard. Because you had done the work to get there.

You have to get up every day and do something to further your goal. You have to try to be ready to jump when it comes. And you have to not lose heart. Because 3rd place is not second loser, it is the place from which winners launch.

Keep working. Not towards mastery. Not towards some impossible goal. Define a goal. Write it down and follow through. Start small but do a little more until you are screaming from how much it is. Then do that for awhile, until it becomes easy. Then do more. We are only as limited as we allow ourselves to be. More is always possible.

If you get off your ass.

Amor Vincit Omnia

Love conquers all
I used to believe that
Down to my bones I believed it.
But it doesn’t.
The hand of a man now dead can rip it away.

And still I believed.
I still believed and fell again
And while we lasted for a while it ended
And I tell myself it’s because we were never that permanent love. It was just lust mixed with lonely and it wasn’t real.

And I fell again, like a meteorite crashing to earth
I fell hard
I fell fast
And though I exist in her heart
It never became
And I say that’s not loves fault, she wasn’t the right person. If the person is not ready there isn’t anything love can do.

And I still believed
And I fell again
And I thought this is it
What a great meet cute, we fell in love at the same time with each other’s minds
But the realer it seemed the more distant it got
Until finally, it was over, not once but twice
Because I’m nothing, if not gullible.

And I quieted and I healed
And I flirted but tried so hard not to fall
Until she pushed me off the ledge
But even then, it was just fantasy.
A thing of desire and maybe and what if that quickly paled as the reality of right there and so unhappy but I can’t touch you and make it better drove home the point

And then a butterfly flitted through my window
And whispered an idea, a what if that turned to honesty and honor and a love so deep I’m drowning in it
And as always, beyond reach

And the realization, that love does not conquer all.
It conquers me but now my heart is a corpse strewn field. Littered with dying hopes.

And the frightening idea, that it all might have been in vain

Bright light spills from the space my heart used to be

Your voice is a deep pool of laughter and bright
I’d spend my days crafting words for you to speak
they create shivers down my spine
And wake desires with but a innocent turn of phrase
Life is but a series of moments strung together by your presence and the undying hope of forever
In this life or I will find you in the next
Until
At last
We belong to each other

What is creation?

Emotions don’t create change. They merely express it. They inform it. But they are the result of creation not creation itself.

Creation is the act of seeing the shape of things as they are. As they might be. Of describing what is seen. We feel an emotion but to write it, paint it, draw it, sing it, dance it, we must first observe it. We must embrace it and trace its lines like a lover. We must touch it and make it seen. Then through our own inadequate sight we describe it, transform it, connect it. And in the end, it is no longer emotion, but the thing of creation. And it moves out from us, inciting emotions in those who choose to perceive it.

Song of the Day

I can see myself sitting at a long mahogany bar in a sex club drinking Macallan 12. Getting pulled into a booth for a little something by an old friend and hollow eyed come back to the bar, empty, feeling nothing, not even satisfaction. Still sitting at the bar, sipping whiskey looking into the middle distance.

Secondary definition 

I say always and
You say That’s sweet
I say always and
You sigh happily
I say always and
You smile and duck your eyes
I say always and
You say I love you
I say always and
You say not ready
I say always and
You say not now
I say always and
You say goodbye
I say always and
There is only silence
I say always

Always wasn’t a promise
Always wasn’t an endearment
Always wasn’t romance

It was a warning
A cry
A bell chiming

It was the deep silence in the winter dawn
It was the quiet hush of a summer afternoon
It was the deep and abiding melancholy of 2am

It was a plea
Of understanding
That some people
Never forget
That there is nothing so fundamentaly luxurious
As the fading light of memory

And here I stand
Saying
Always