The endless grey

I want to write something epic that grabs you by the heart and only let’s go once you are bleeding.
But I’m too empty now.
Too tired from working long hours
From still being at work 12 hours after I started.
Instead, I’m taking a beat to write this.
To decry and lament being unable to reach that aspirational dream of you, my dear readers reacting with the emotions that overwhelm me
But which instead lay dead like a caricature of a fish
Painting the page in reek
What is it to yearn to connect but only to find empty?
How do I after years of pouring out my lifeblood find I have so little left?
Is it burnout or just being burned?
Wondering if I’ll be able to steal some time before I sleep and it all starts again?
I’m trapped in this mess of a life
Some things cherished
Some things bad
And most just blah
Trapped by my own desires
By my own hand
What way could anyone see, when the path is empty, all
Destinations equidistant

To gaze unflinching at the self

I used to get 4 hours of sleep and I was fine
Well, not fine
But functional
In that I could keep going through the motions
But during that time I was deeply depressed
Everything was nothing and even sleep was no refuge
As I pulled away from that constant state
I found my habits to be the same
And that 4 hours of sleep would set me spinning
I’d be fine until I became tired
And then I’d second guess
And everything was off
Nothing was fine
Everything felt like it never would be
My work schedule changed a few years ago
Forcing me to change my habits
I was always good
At least in the beginning of such a change
And my sleep habits shifted
I was getting 8 hours of sleep
And those emotional spinnouts occurred less and less
And then 8 became 6
And they started to happen again
Then 6 became 4 and it was again my new normal
Same as the old normal
And while its obvious now
I came to realize that I needed that sleep
And the corporate culture I was in prized my inability to sleep
To be able to function on 4 hours seemed like a miracle
And I still find it useful
Because sleep isn’t the only thing that kept me depressed
Stress will eat away at me
And I will punish myself
Subconsciously
Until its too late
And I’ll not sleep
Because not sleeping is within my control
And I need that feeling of being capable
To really function
But for me
It’s not really optional
I can tell the difference in my emotional state
Now that I see it
How can I keep hurting myself this way
Though, I know I’ll still push
It’s in my nature to push
But now I see
And I will sleep when it gets too much
Because sleep is again a refuge
And dreams are a whole life lived
And I’m so tired
Of not living

Feeling the blood in veins; they say it’s impossible

Missing everything good
Life just keeps rolling by
And each step
Not getting any closer
Missing that energy
Happy to be out
Happy to be
Waiting for it all to come together
Waiting for that chance
So far from what is wanted
Rail against the system
It’s easier to shout
About things that are so intractable
Than to face the challenges
Which seem immovable
So close to home

This wasn’t the end. It was the start.

Voters young and old, Independent and Democrat, normally third party voters and even Republicans, came out to oust then President Trump. Democrats and Independents voted blue. For any Democrat we could get our hands on. We gage money and signed petitions. We marched in Black Lives Matter protests and were beaten and run down and even killed for our efforts.

When Biden won, we watched while the President tried desperately to make it not so. Watched him bribe and threaten and, yes, even incite active insurrection. And still he failed. When Biden was sworn in and we had both a Democrat as president and a supposed majority in congress, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe we could wipe away the nightmare and put protections in place to prevent it from happening again.

We need to add more Supreme Court justices. We need to pass The For The People act. We need lasting economic change and we need real reform of our policing structures.

But we aren’t going to get those things. Because the people we elected are delusional. There is no bipartisanship possible with people who are pushing lies. Who have zero intention of legislating. Who can not and will not accept any compromise or concession.

The inability of the Democratic leadership to see that, is infuriating. You did NOT change things just by winning. You have to act and those actions must result in passed legislation. Not you shrugging and saying you tried while insuring that it is not possible to pass any bills.

Yes, we’re talking about the filibuster. Which was never intended for use in the constitution. Which is only in place because of a screwed up wording on a procedural document. Which, when it was abolished in the House resulted in more and meaningful legislation to pass. And such would be the effect in the Senate. But Democrats are too afraid. They are betting that they will lose and be in the minority again. And that mindset will not fly with those of us who came out for you this time.

If you fail to pass meaningful legislation as you failed to impanel the bipartisan 1/6 commission, don’t expect us in the midterms. We will give up. We won’t vote in the opposition. Most will just not vote. Because you will have proven that even when you are in control, you still can’t make it work. You still play like its a game.

Well, unfortunately, Trumps apprentices are coming. This wasn’t a war you won. It was a single battle, after which you declared yourselves the total victors even while there were still combatants on the field.
And when it comes around again, your failures now will empower your opponents and the enemies of what this Nation could have been.

We implore you to wake up. We are signing petitions and writing senators. We are pleading with you. But if you fail to listen, to act…we won’t be there when you need us most. Just as you are not with us now, when we need you.

Belief shapes minds, not the universe

Eyes go wide
Watching the spin
Watching what is fast seem to slow
To stop
To stutter
Perception made false
Reality isn’t what we choose
It is what is despite our choices
What is real whether you believe or not
Whether you need or not
Whether you choose or not
Only what remains despite our desire
Can we stand upon
Mistake not the shifting sand for solid ground

A world writ small

In the land of spiders there are 3 gods.

The elder who ignores our presence unless his divine eyes finds us in the world. Then, he smites us with fury. Often leaving us for dead while we crawl crippled from the field to die quietly in the hidden web we dared from. If you are quick, if you are stealthy you may pass him by and find the darkness of the dormant fire pit or the loud warm corner where you may feast. Where you may live your days without sorrow.

His is a land of harsh truth coupled with blind anger. Be wary and quick.

The next is the Youngling. Named spider friend whose domain is filled with untouched nooks and crannies. He welcomes and speaks in the tongue of the gods, which we know not. We can feel his benevolence but be warned. If you ascend into his spaces, while he will attempt to move you from that place without harm, still he is a god. And when gods intervene, often we die. Though he may attempt to save, his will is so much greater than our own. And we will quail back, into the danger he attempts to save us from or he may fail and we are crushed under the harsh weight of kindness. And while his spaces are safe, be warned. His are not the only legs which walk there.

This brings us to the Doom. The elder queen who breaks us. Whose baleful sight heralds our death. Whose poison spreads to our food and who kills us in turn. She destroys our webs. Destroys our bodies. Destroys our clutches. She is Death and the doom of worlds. The younger will attempt to intercede, and you must be quick like the harsh wind, for she is the stronger and he will fail. But with that bit of time we may still live.

Thus are the gods of Death, Time, and Nature. Their domain is one of shelter but of the truth of cruelty in the world. Nature nourishes and aids, but it is at times destruction. Time kills slowly but often on swift wings. And Death waits above all, a force without reason or mercy.

Adventures of a computer worker (conclusion)

After taking a nap after work, as you do, I woke to find my new power supply was awaiting me. This time, I checked the box over thoroughly to make sure it was what I ordered. Platinum, check. 750 watt, check. And…(sigh of relief) modular. Triple check and all good.

I unboxed it and made sure that all was advertised and finding it was, set to comparing the plug placement. If the arrangement is too different from my current setup then I would end up doing some recabling anyway. While the arrangement is a little different, it is a better setup and will make it easier for me to seat the cables. All good.

I open my case, being careful to detach the fans at the midpoint rather than at the motherboard. No removing the radiator this time, thanks. I unseat the cables and it sucks just as much as I remember. Hurting my fingers yet again. I console myself with the thought that it’s just one more time.

I unscrew the old supply and remove the now mostly dead object. The fan stopped spinning midway through my work day yesterday and I’ve been ramping up the anxiety since then. I grab the new psu and align it so that the fan will spin and intake air properly. Then I put all of the cables in. They click into place much easier than the did with my old psu, except for the last one.

This is the cable that had a slight offset arrangement from the original psu and it slides in reluctantly. I push and pull but the cable won’t seat to 100%. Fuck. So I trace where this cable goes and… It’s to the DVD drive that I haven’t used in 4 years. So, fuck it. Good enough. But I’m not going to screw everything back in place without testing it. Because wouldn’t that just take the cake, get it all set up and it doesn’t work? No. Gotta test it. So I plug in the power cord and the passive lights come up. I set the power rocker to on and I hit the power button.

It boots right up…but the fan doesn’t turn on.
I check the documentation and it says that it has to reach a 40°C operating temperature to flip on the fan. So ok I put my hand to the exhaust vent, and it’s a little warm but not very. Huh. So I kick on 5 simultaneous instances of blue stacks and then kick on a graphics intensive game(Vermintide 2). After an hours worth of running the fan kicks on.
I have to check to make sure it’s spinning because it makes zero sound. Heavy sigh of relief.

I shut it all down and put the side panel back. I’m careful and don’t accidentally pull the fan cable like last time and get the midway cable reseated. Then I set it up in its normal position and boot it up. Just testing that the case fans come on, and they do! I shut down again and go to sleep. Anxiety averted at least for now, I find hours of sleep that I normally am wide awake for. Hopefully this means my sleep schedule will be back on track.