Give me a moment to break down my crimes
Of loving too quickly
Of compliments sublime
You think of me ‘cheesy’
You think me a liar
How could he love me
He’s seen hide nor hair
None of that matters you’ll hear me exclaim
I’ll wait for your plane
And should it be that a girl called Kelly is a tall bearded man called Bruce,
Kelly is who you feel like
I’ll say Kelly, my love, and climb you like a tree
Tell me the truth next time
Speak it to me
I have words I want to say
Words of beauty
Words of love
But I want to say them where you are
I want your ears to hear them
I want you to know that I would never harm you
That I don’t leave unless you make me
I’m only uncertain when you don’t know what you want
Tell me I’m yours and I’ll drain oceans
Let all who would hurt you know that they’d be dealing with me as well
I sing silly songs and dance with abandon which is not to say grace, but with joy
I’m looking for you, looking wherever, but make it easy… Look for me too, find me too
Let’s find each other
This song has been wandering in my head. But it’s not that I don’t want to die alone, it’s that I don’t want to live a life alone. Friends are great, but someone you love romanticly will always get a piece of yourself you don’t share with friends. So, even with friends, still living a life alone.
I feel like, nothing
I knew we were paused
No, I hoped we were paused
I tried to go on living as if nothing had happened
As I said I would
But I couldn’t
Couldn’t let her go
Couldn’t not think about her
Until, I sent her a message.
Honestly I sent her several but the first one was too much and the second was me acknowledging that
But the third, the third was simple
“I miss you”
I didn’t expect anything back
But I couldn’t just let her go
And the reply,
Don’t miss her. How could I not?
I don’t want to miss her. I want to be with her. But, I don’t think that is what she means.
And I want to just feel something, other than
But I don’t know how
All I have right now is this violent dark soul sucking need to connect
To be seen, to be known
And I could go out and spread my bleak nihilism
Drown in physical desires
And wake empty
Each night more empty than the last
Each touch just a step away from oblivion
But it’s not what I want
I want that lasting connection
These touch memories linger with me forever
Burning my mind and fill me with yearning
They seem to be so vital
But the night ends
And what is left but the annihilation of self
In the persuit of nothing
I’m tired of fighting for substance and coming up short
I’m tired of finding people who are vital and pushing them away with the raw need that pours out
Don’t try so hard, be yourself. Which fucking one? I’m only comfortable when I know chapter and verse, when I know specifically where we stand and how likely something more, always more, is. Do I just accept that it’s zero?
As fear and anxiety eat away at my calm, as the reality of being alone sets fucking in. Don’t be desperate. I’m fucking drowning, how the fuck else am I supposed to to feel?
Be yourself? My self is a fucking high strung artist who fucked up his past, and doesn’t see a clear way to a viable future. That’s fucking sexy that is.
And truth, just be honest. What percent honest can you fucking handle? Cause no one wants a hundred percent.
Fuck, fuck! FUCK!
I’m just screaming into the void and hoping it matters
When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.
My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.
Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.
I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.
I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do.
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks.
There is this moment in every one of my days where my mind is drawn to the people I love. The people I’d be with but for distance or circumstance. My mind turns to them and I think of each. And I feel a different pain for each. If I’m depressed or falling that way then it turns my mood bleaker.
I’ll send out texts or emails or messenger to let them know I’m thinking about them. I rarely receive anything back. And when I do maybe I get a bit excited and overplay my hand, as it were, but it all comes from a place of love. It doesn’t have to be romantic love, though, really who am I kidding, it generally is. Most of my friends start out that way. It may become agapic but rarely from my perspective.
I’m weird. I know it. I’m looking for my weirdos to be with.