Intellectual pansexual

Give me a moment to break down my crimes
Of loving too quickly
Of compliments sublime
You think of me ‘cheesy’
You think me a liar
How could he love me
He’s seen hide nor hair

None of that matters you’ll hear me exclaim
I’ll wait for your plane
And should it be that a girl called Kelly is a tall bearded man called Bruce,
Kelly is who you feel like
I’ll say Kelly, my love, and climb you like a tree
Tell me the truth next time
Speak it to me

A journey anew

I have words I want to say
Words of beauty
Words of love
But I want to say them where you are
I want your ears to hear them
I want you to know that I would never harm you
That I don’t leave unless you make me
I’m only uncertain when you don’t know what you want
Tell me I’m yours and I’ll drain oceans
Let all who would hurt you know that they’d be dealing with me as well

I sing silly songs and dance with abandon which is not to say grace, but with joy

I’m looking for you, looking wherever, but make it easy… Look for me too, find me too
Let’s find each other

Let no obstacle or impedement stand in our way.

Song of the Day 

This song has been wandering in my head. But it’s not that I don’t want to die alone, it’s that I don’t want to live a life alone. Friends are great, but someone you love romanticly will always get a piece of yourself you don’t share with friends. So, even with friends, still living a life alone.  

Absence

I feel like, nothing
Just numb
I knew we were paused
No, I hoped we were paused
I tried to go on living as if nothing had happened
As I said I would
But I couldn’t
Couldn’t let her go
Couldn’t not think about her
Until, I sent her a message.
Honestly I sent her several but the first one was too much and the second was me acknowledging that
But the third, the third was simple
“I miss you”
I didn’t expect anything back
But I couldn’t just let her go
And the reply,
“Don’t”
Don’t miss her. How could I not?
I don’t want to miss her. I want to be with her. But, I don’t think that is what she means.
And I want to just feel something, other than
Just numb
But I don’t know how
Maybe tomorrow

Another bullshit breakdown

All I have right now is this violent dark soul sucking need to connect

To be seen, to be known
And I could go out and spread my bleak nihilism
Drown in physical desires
Give in
And wake empty

Each night more empty than the last
Each touch just a step away from oblivion
But it’s not what I want
Is it

I want that lasting connection
These touch memories linger with me forever
Burning my mind and fill me with yearning
They seem to be so vital
But the night ends
And what is left but the annihilation of self
In the persuit of nothing

I’m tired of fighting for substance and coming up short
I’m tired of finding people who are vital and pushing them away with the raw need that pours out

Don’t try so hard, be yourself. Which fucking one? I’m only comfortable when I know chapter and verse, when I know specifically where we stand and how likely something more, always more, is. Do I just accept that it’s zero?

As fear and anxiety eat away at my calm, as the reality of being alone sets fucking in. Don’t be desperate. I’m fucking drowning, how the fuck else am I supposed to to feel?

Be yourself? My self is a fucking high strung artist who fucked up his past, and doesn’t see a clear way to a viable future. That’s fucking sexy that is.

And truth, just be honest. What percent honest can you fucking handle? Cause no one wants a hundred percent.

Fuck, fuck! FUCK!

I’m just screaming into the void and hoping it matters

Storm unfolds(background for split sky) 

The defining characteristic of any government is how its people function under it. Some would say it’s the ability to defend its borders, but the stories that ring true are the ones told by its citizens. It would be easy to say that Illthorn’s presidency and government were blessed but that is the outside perspective.

From the inside, it was fraught with intrigue and peril. It was a government just getting its feet after fighting a civil war. A war fought over something no one, at least no one sane, thought was real just 5 years earlier. Magic.

Or that’s what the biographies all say. But really it was over something much more fundamental. The right to exist.

The former United States reacted, how shall we say, poorly, to the war. Its right leaning so called moral majority saw the mages and all flavors of practioners as a direct threat to the country. And those that didn’t see them this way approached these people as a resource to be exploited.

The left was no better mind you. They wanted to regulate magics use. Defining where and under what circumstances that magic could be used. But it was the hateful rhetoric of the far right which would inflame the country.

It started with licensing. Similar to a driver’s license there was a magic license. You had to display certain control and abilities to be licensed. Nonlicense bearers could expect fines and even misdemeanor charges for practicing magic.

This presented a number of issues. Not the least being that magic is not a car or gun. It is anything but standard and only the broadest of categories need apply. Even worse, the few practioners who agreed to set up the programs were the most straightforward types and really had no working knowledge of magical theory.

This meant that many practioners could not get a license even if they wanted to. The tests could not measure their abilities. So how could they license them.

This lead to a rise in magic related crime. A majority of which was, you guessed it, practicing magic without a license.

As the crime stats reported this rise in magic related crimes, political speeches and platforms began to pivot to ‘handle this epidemic’. Instead of concentrating on the actual crime, the methodology was called into question. If magic was the problem, then the solution must be to ban or heavily regulate magic.

But magic is both a practice which can be regulated and taught and a integral part of the individual. How does one change what a person is? Psychologists thought they had a solution. They found that a child could be trained to suppress their magical abilities if subjected to enough negative stressors.

Looking at it from the long lens of hindsight we can clearly see the harmful and disastrous consequences of this. But what must be stressed is that people had been whipped into a frenzy by those who sought to profit off of fear.

The group founded by Illthorn, the hero of the war, tried to combat this with education, kindness, and political will. They fought Bill after Bill in both federal and state legislative bodies. Most never passed and a few were struck down in court. But they could not be everywhere. And slowly they began to lose ground.

People began to be incarcerated for magic itself. For some this was the correct thing for the wrong reason.

A man in Connecticut killed children and reanimated them as puppets for use in sex trafficking. A woman in Texas acted as a arsonist for hire and killed people who attempted to escape the blaze. These examples were held up as the reason magic was so dangerous. Not these people in particular but that magic itself was to blame. It became dangerous to be seen to practice magic.

People turned on the heroes of the war. The goodwill earned eroded away and only the differences remained. The liberal press wanted to treat magic as a disease and the conservative movements saw magic as inherently evil. If you had a magical nature or talent you hid it lest you be subjected to psych evaluation and correction or to outright violence and bigotry.

Then the hidden practitioner, driven underground by the society at large, became a bogeyman. They walk among us, report on your neighbors. Fear and thinly veiled hatred for the differences from the median norm became worse and worse

Factions in the Illthorn camp, began to organize for revolution. Centered around veterans of the war, these cadres began to train and weaponize seemingly harmless talents.

Illthorn himself was fighting a last ditch battle to turn back the Magical Crimes and Abuses Act. A bit of legislation that made magic itself illegal.

At the same time, a so called cure for magic was being lauded in secular scientific journals. While the majority of science was still up in the air about magic, these journals were making hay while the sun shined and were legitimizing the cure for magic.

Life and other dreams

When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.

My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.

Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.

I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.

I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do. 
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks.