Rhapsody in minor

One note rings out crystal and clear
Whole histories and promises in it
Tumult and peace
Beauty and destructive renewal

All shattered by a rush to explain
What was said and what was meant
Attempts to see clear
Self deprecations
Attempting to make light of heavy feelings
Saying like when love is meant
But people don’t know what love is but they know they like the taste
Easier to compare to like and hold out heart for love
And this rush of explanations and words, words, words
Crash
avalanche
Stop

And the note
Fading in the still dawn air
Sings it’s melancholy

Hangs heavy the heart

This is the 13th anniversary of Morgan’s death.
I’m reliving those minutes. Those mistakes. In full acceptance. I failed her in a way that I won’t fail again. So I seem like I’m cautious. Making sure we are on the same page. Reiterating thoughts to garner agreement and clarification. A friend of mine said that’s just what a Sir does. Perhaps she’s right. But I think that I must admit that this more than anything is what shaped me. Not just her death. Her murder. But also her life. Her love.

Because of her, I have bedrock proof that love is real. I know that relationships are hard. That letting things go causes damage. That failing to fight for your desires is a mistake. I know that losing someone never goes away. That you don’t heal. Instead you grow around the pain. Grow beyond it. And so appear sound. But the wound is always there.

I thought when I came out of the depression. The bleakness. When I could again feel. I thought that I was healthy. But those were first steps. And really, I won’t ever be whole. No one is. Being whole is being stagnant. Unchanging.

It’s not that I’m hopeful. It’s that I don’t want to fail to live in the love that she showed me was real. How could I dishonor her by failing to see the people around me, See their beauty, Foster their light and darkness?

I take this time. This day. To remember her.
To lament all that was lost.
To realize all that I’ve become.
From this frozen moment, I’d erase if I could.
This bloody seed crystal of the man I am.
Of the person I become tomorrow

A Sir desires

The touch of your skin is a translation of affection expressed through the medium of nerve endings
Endeavoring to awaken in you a fire which cannot be quenched
To know with a glance
Sure hands over soft skin
Eager lips made slow
Pressing lips like vise over artery
Tasting jumping pulse
Struggling to gasp breathe to synapse
Breathe deeply in ragged flame
Gifts given
Ignite fires
Kindled deep in bones
Leather and pulse pain
Bruises marking mine
Say ready
Say more
Say yes
I would have you in all the ways of imagining
Of experience and of desire
Not once, not twice
Until yield and sleep
But waking
Join in grip of heart
Allow me to wake your fire
Consume me as I consume you
Taking nothing for granted
Allow passion to rewrite your stars

Waking lucid

Sip these last notes
Bitter though they be
Knowing the stanza ends
Knowing the next song you will choose
Knowing the next song you will play
Knowing that these next steps
Next choices will be informed
By what is in your heart now
Not fed out of necessity to keep living
But out of the need to be alive
It takes so long to arrive
So long to become
That when it’s time
Embracing it
Is the hardest thing to do
Fear is a guide
Weighing all consequences and only fear keeps
Then step forth
Embrace the brave heart
Step into a future without the confines of the same

The oddest thing

It was the oddest thing, I was laying down. Getting ready to go to sleep. Feeling like I was worthless. Like everything was going to be horrible forever. You know, depression brain. This is a bad time of year. September 19th.

But I was going to sleep, covered up, getting comfortable and I closed my eyes. And about ten seconds later there was a flash of light. That I saw with closed eyes.

And the strangest thing. The depression was gone. Just gone. Like a switch had been flipped. This was last night. And I woke up, and it’s still gone.

I reach for it. I know how to bring it up. Trying to examine it. And it slips away. Like it’s not there.

I don’t know what this is. Or how long it will last. It’s like I was in pain and the pain is just gone. It’s staggering like I’ve been holding on to it and leaning on it. And now it’s gone and I feel light and free. And I don’t fear it coming back or anything.

Something misaligned got fixed…maybe the simulation we are in got a patch.

-Fixed: Depression in sector 7g