I am an obsession

I am an obsession
A candle made flesh
Fire builds to conflagration
Consuming
Consuming
Consuming
Until all flesh pulses
Desire waking
More
More
More
Never enough
Until all fuel is destroyed
And waking from the dream
Find myself alone
Bereft of her
Unable to see futures
Who would love destruction
Who would dare stand in fire

Colors the mind sees, the eyes cannot

Days pass
Distance from the gravitic impression
Left by the indelible memories
Of holding you, your head on my shoulder
My head on yours
Smelling you under shampoo
Kisses to the top of your head
Clasping hand and kisses to palm
Memories burn like the sentinels of Gondor
Calling out
This distance between then and then
Making it harder to think
To breathe

Your anger
Your fury
Pointed as a sword to the sky
A call to arms
And I slip further into the chasm

Your blush
Your laugh
That impish smile
Brat tongue daring me to act
Fraying my control

And still
So close to frenzy
I wait
Calm
Storing those ideas
Those thoughts
Behind doors of stone
Waiting for the moment
When all will be
And like a never quenched torrent
Suffuse you
Wake and be mine
If only for a moment

Baking sorrow in the summer sun

Sitting there empty
Bereft of purpose
Echos sing out
Ghosts of laughter
Those sad eyes
Tears stain
Give evidence of what’s past
The pain of no longer belonging
Bright birds run in waves
Howls ring out
And still this hollow empty
Heartbeat stills
Hopes fade to forgetting
Painful pleading through scars
Just a memory
Of what should have been

Nightmares are Also Dreams part 8-Tara

It’s a thin fiction that I can’t hear the snap of the belt through the bathroom door but I know Pel needs that. He is trying to keep me safe and I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m better now. I was lost in subspace and had a bad flashback. I wish he’d stop acting like I’m about to break.

The hot water pounds against my shoulders, easing tensions I didn’t know I was carrying. Soaping up and sluicing off quickly, still I stand in the heat and spray. The air grows thick and hard to breathe. And almost, it feels easier to keep going and allow the wet and heat to drown me in the air. It’s not that I want to die or that I’m not happy. It’s that sometimes the pain of remembering is so heavy. I know that I need to get out and get going. But I just can’t.

The sounds in the shower change. The pressure in the room lightens and the air cools. I hear from the doorway, “Tara? Are you ok?”
Pel’s sweet voice fills me with shame and rage and just for a split second resentment.
I turn off the water jets, feeling a sullen bleakness settle down, and step out.

He’s waiting with a big towel. Arms stretched wide to envelope me. And shame overwrites the bleakness. Seeing him, trying to take care of me. I step into his arms and he rubs me down with the towel. Hands soft and firm. Businesslike and still I feel them linger over me. Never where you’d think. On my calves, down my side, along my spine. All dry.

The wet warmth vanishes and I stumble briefly, I’d leaned too far into him. But just as quick, warm robes encircle me. His arms pull me close. I feel his heart beat, that steady thump, for me. For me.

My body leaned back against his. His mouth against my ear. He whispers, “It’s time to get ready my Tara dove. Your clothes are laid out in the guest bedroom. Please get dressed in there.”

The guest bedroom? Why there?
Am I being punished…
Despair drifts back in, unbidden, as if through an open window

“Sara is taking up the whole bed, I’m afraid and we can’t have your dress getting dirty.”

I feel like I just slumped in relief…
Maybe he’s not completely wrong. It’s hard to admit. That I’m not just ok. It’s hard but I know…He does whatever he can to make me safe which is sometimes exhausting for me. But he’s not wrong either. I’m a grown ass woman and it’s hard to be taken care of like I’m not.

“Tara,” he asks quietly.

I shake out of a reverie that I guess dragged on and say, “Ok,” as brightly as I can. I brush past Pel and see Sara is splayed out on the bed. Wrists and ankles bound to the four corners. The bed top has been replaced by a white shiny leather one. A blindfold and ball-gag covers her eyes and mouth. I briefly feel something like lust and jealousy all rolled together. But I go to the guest room and find the outfit picked out for me.

Its peach! From the lace underwear and bra all the way to the two knives I’ll conceal on me, peach.
Where did he get blades that are peach colored?

Lullaby for my Kat

Curl up beside me
My little kitty kat
The day is mostly over
It’s time that we sat back

The sun is shining on, some other person’s day
For us the night is ending
But now we know to stay
Cause arms are for the holding
And sleep draws us away
But oh,
When we are waking
Look on my face
And know
Though life can feel like breaking
I’ll be in my heart making
A place for you to stay.