I missed a post.

It occurs to me that I missed a post on Monday. For the first time in more than 3 years…

On the one hand, I can justify it by saying that yesterday was a crazy day and I stopped at the end and just passed out.

On the other, I have to decide if that is just a bullshit excuse. If being tired and busy excuses a failure of honor. Of a promise made.

And I have to say, it does not.

That may seem harsh. That lapses occur and that things sometimes fall apart.

But

The reality is that I thought several times yesterday of writing or posting something and I chose not to.

We make time for the things that matter to us.
Fundamentally, that is what this is.
While my writing matters, it is the interaction with others that I miss. And my page has become a ghost town of likes thrown out like flowers. And I sit by the passing parade, alone.

I’m more connected now than I have ever been and yet I feel so alone. I feel like I’m just getting my feet as those that I love are moving into new phases. And leaving me behind.

And I feel no jealousy for them…but I do feel this dull ache of everything changing and being lost in the background.

A fallen leaf, once part of the community, drifting down, away from succor into the dying light of autumn.

Nightmares are also dreams Part 33-The Photographer

I pull onto a private road that goes back into one of those McMansion neighborhoods. All clean lines and faux luxury finishes. Lush parks only seen by toddlers and nannies and midrange luxury vehicles when little Ethan and Tad play soccer.

The house is at the end of a long street ending in a cul-de-sac and only has one neighbor. The lot to the right appears to be some kind of guard house. Figures that this neighborhood would have its own private security.

To the left the house is a standard two story with windows streaming in light. Hell, even the door has windows. It’s the ultimate show piece. Look at my glass house and all the fabulous toys.

The house to the right has the same arrangement but all the windows are silvered and reflective.
And there is something off that I can’t put my finger on. These are supposed to be wedding photos…so where are all the cars?

Anyway, the jobs the job. I park on the street and get out my camera bags. Time to schlep like a sherpa. I really need an assistant. But assistants cost money…maybe an intern…

There isn’t a doorbell so I put down my bag, gently, and reach for the door knocker when a voice from a hidden intercom says, “Look up, into the camera.”

Startled, I look around until I see the camera perched in the upper right.

The feminine voice demands, “State your name and business.”

“Jonathan Franks. No relation,” I say with a smile. “Wedding Photographer.”

“Hold out your arms, perpendicular to your legs,” the voice states.

Rolling my eyes, I set down my other bag and hold out my arms. What are they going to do laserscan me?! This is such bullshit. I’m adding an asshole surcharge to the bill.

I jump when hands start running along my arms and back.
“What the fuck?!,” I demand.

“Sir, just hold still and this will be over soon.” That same feminine voice from behind me this time.

Mentally adding 5% to the surcharge, I hold still. Every nook and cranny is poked and prodded.

These rich bitches. Security as status symbol. Like it wouldn’t be in the camera cases if I was smuggling a weapon.

“Ok sir. Walk with me to the security building and we will get you processed and x-ray your gear.”

Fuck this. I’m hitting them with my 50% crazy bastards surcharge. Even with that, I know this is gonna be a shit gig.

Hopping bird takes wing

Lyrics yet to be sung struggle out
Yearning to quiver and shake
Swallowing back syllables
No voice loud enough to be heard
Stifled
Fighting for breathe
Pleading eyes
Begging to be known
That distant air
Promises made
Always one more to keep
One more to make whole
Distant thunder
Storm blessed
Sky drawn
Woken anew and shift gold
Breaks broken
Arrows flown true
Time for us
One more turn on the wheel

Pounding heart shakes the leaf

Kiss me sleeping
Breathe dry
Heat and blinking
Insomnia and anxiety team up
Hope watching you sleep isn’t creepy
Too tired to close my eyes
Dreading the coming day
Freight train approaches
Standing on the tracks
No certainty but uncertainty
Looking towards that future
That horizon
Wondering what’s next
A fish out of water
In a new pond
I’ll flourish
But too much
Becomes toxic shock
And no one notices until you’re gone
Seeing what happens
When the air gets thin
Wondering
If a new lake will make things better
Wondering
And sitting here awake
Too tired for dreaming
Hoping to see
To real-ize a future
Where being stuck won’t pass for
Stability

Shades dance concealing truth

I have looked into empty rooms searching for you
I wake up feeling you there
Just out of reach
My hand questing out
Finding emptiness
I have searched in other people’s bodies
In their lips, in their hearts
Looking for someone I hadn’t yet met
Wrapped and drowning in grief for a past that I could not let go
I wandered
Always knowing that with love a heart expands to encompass all
And each small light
Never quite right
Some almost but never realizing
How close
Until
eventually
Heart broken and mending
Waking
Finding
And seeing
Into the void of was
Poured secrets and hopes
Until unexpected
Unknown
Fires woke
No small flame fed on flash paper
Magma and storm
Heightening each other
And joined
Joined
Hearts entwined
And waking