Always and again

A winter wind soothing aches long held
Pains fade in the embrace
Soft words give way
To wine red embraces
Wild, not with the folly of youth
Instead of the knowing
Of self
And each other

Tears
Confident
Wild
Bear down the trials
Gravity’s inevitability

When freed from the hazard
Of expectation
Of what is supposed to be
We may dance

Choose
And choose again

Hold your arm in mine lest I fall

I find myself happy
Though no delirious thing
No cracked grin
Manic and fading
No simple contentment
Though perhaps contentment has been so far away that I wouldn’t recognize it
I find joy in the simpleness of being
The hush of night
The sounds of the heater
The far to silent room
Because the truth is that my happy has a hole in it
And it’s only that space of lack
Which informs the rest

Celebration of the dying flame

In the summer dreary
I wake from dreaming, leary
Living in a haze of before

Last looks leave me reeling
Last words etching
Seven years to be free

Stride into winter
Calling out the world to come
Reborn in the cold expanse

One second to collapse
That small puncture
Leaking air

Give me a moment to breathe
Never let me go
Never hold me enough
What’s one more day

One more day
In an eternity of without

Ask for me thrice and never will I part

Spin bled
Round read
Eyes turn again
Next fled
Choice bends
And back to you again
Learn blood
Sup FUD
And swirl into arms
Roll dice
Found slice
Made nice
Though pain paints its own picture
Hearts race
Lost face
Soundly laced
Choices back to her again
Quiet beat
Soundly sleep
Pain creeps
Eyes possess her all

Laments and triumphs right before sleeping

Tangible requirements make my life easier
Each precious morsel of information
Giving one more way to be sure
To be certain
To harness control
When everything is crashing around
Real facts are all I can hold onto
When my brain is saying, “She’ll leave you, doesn’t want you, no one does.”
This bit of truth about your favorite book
About the things you say
About the words and reals
Of us
They hold back the tide
You are not alone
And neither am I
We must remember this
Even when darkness tells lies
Even when it seems like the world conspires against us
We are we
We face it together

A heart as sharp as a knife

Fear crests in the heart
New
And maybe
And failure that is unacceptable
Crescendo of the possibility
The hope that breathes reality
Unsteady from the dream
The click
Click
Click
Of dominos falling
Of standing stone portents
Of stars weeping and impacts
Shaking the world
What will be
May be
And how to handle the logistical reality
While the heart screams
YES
And runs headlong into the future
The mind plotting paths
Hoping for a few more resources
But building as fast as possible
No schism
Heart and head are goal oriented
Looking towards the long-term truth
That future where need and desire and real talk
Manifest into real arms
Real lips
Safety and shelter
In being seen
Known
And chosen

Songs of the heart hold clear

In the gloom of your smile
Finding shelter in its shade
Fading steps lead to dancing
While acting grave makes one merry
Behind masks of jade and saffron
Cold spices over warm lips
Shelter in my heart
Or be held by my arms
say yes
And though my face will seem impassive
You will know the secret truth of kindness
Of hot blood
Of defense and shelter
Step with me
I can wait

When dreams teach(lucid dreams are weird)

At first the dream was like playing a video game. Like a really immersive rpg. I was rolling through completing objectives when I came to a fire level and I cast a ultra powerful blizzard spell which froze the entire world. This was all taken from bits and pieces of my last couple of days. For instance, the blizzard was something I saw on a TV show.

This is where it takes a turn, but still(I’m reading a detective story) consistent. I’m now a sheriff in a small town in the middle of a blizzard but I can still cast spells.

I think all of this is just framework until she steps into frame. I can’t describe her because she’s always been there, if that makes sense. We are working on a case and at some point we begin joking and we are forced to go on the run. But before that I mention burial rituals of South American indigenous people having similarities to what we were doing (burying her uncle so that he mummified, I don’t know…dreams) and she looks at me, like really looks and I see her and only her and I exist. We walk off the dig site and it is several months later and we are in a mall or gallery? There are kiosks but also it’s a college campus? Anyway, she pulls me into a kiss then asks who this woman down the way is who is looking at us in horror and tears.
I turn around and it’s an ex of mine. Actually someone I had almost married. (all of which knowledge seems to burst into my mind, having not known it before the moment I needed to)

I say that’s my ex, and I’m kinda pissed because the way she’s acting it’s like I betrayed her when she’s the one who left me. I say, She dumped me pretty quickly when she found out that I don’t want kids.

And I looks at this woman I’m now dating and I see the disappointment in her eyes. Then there is shooting and we are running again and I’m explaining while we run my reasons and she says, can we just put that discussion on pause until the crisis is over? We will figure it out together.
All the while I’m babbling that I might change my mind but I’ve never heard an argument which would counter my own beliefs and she looks at me with a wicked smile and says no worries, I already have kids and I was just worried you would reject me because of that, and I’m baffled because, the answer is of course that doesn’t bother me.

And it just clicked, like duh, this is what is needed. Someone willing to fight for us, who wants to explore and learn and change. Not someone who leaves at the first sign of trouble. Someone willing and wanting to have these discussions even though we are both vulnerable and maybe going to be hurt.

Then we hop in a gunship and flying out of there while under fire and I send someone whose been with us for awhile but in the background to man the .50 cal.

Then I wake up