A hopeless hope is worse than nothing

I am tendrils questing out
reaching for connection
straining to directions
which once were home
just a hothouse bloom
slowly slipping into quiet
a last goodbye
a last hurrah
before the final cull

I am tendrils reaching out
And finding only

What do you say…

What do you say when all the words have been said
When the sound of your footsteps walking away seem to echo

What do you say when you are still hopeless, still deeply, deliciously, precariously, in love.

When you tell them every day but only in your head because they are gone but in a maybe temporary way and your heart can’t let go.

What do you say?

Love is a conundrum, a puzzle I can’t solve, a path you cannot walk alone.

Are you so present in my head because of my feelings? Is it metaphysical and our tie is feeding back to me your feelings? Are we just fools? Me for loving, you for silence?

Or am I only allowing the deep river of my feelings to cloud what is real?

Tired, so tired

When I was without communication, without Facebook, without texting, I think I was happier.

Without this constant potential connection, But no actual connection. Because I’m drowning here. I thought I knew how to swim, but maybe the waters are rising. Each attempt, each failure, breaks me further.
Until, at last, there’s nothing left to give.

The maelstrom calms

And I shall blossom like a star
Firmament made light
Radiation spilling out
Beyond control
Beyond caring

Elation made tangible
Joy singing the choral notes of a universe
Speak a voice, whiskey stained
Answered by another yet unknown

Make fast
A storm is raging
Not of destruction
But a joining

And all else, sleeps

The sleeper, wakes

This heart beats
It beats
It beats
I reach out
Through the sound
Through the pounding
Out through the reverberations
Shivering on the air
Until snaps sound
like gates crashing open
Sensation floods in
out beyond the boundaries
of skin
Every hair rises
I wake
I wake
I wake
Take my hand
Wake with me

Hopes fruition…

Slip awake to distant dream
From feel of warmth and skin to skin
To this cold remembering

This desperate touch of dream
Of eyes held
Of hands clasped fingertips
Of silence pressed out
Thin on the edge of shattering

The heat of our bodies
But minds touching
Quantum entanglement
The spark originates
Then traverses this bridge
Bound eternal in our spinning

The sound of breathing
The rise and fall
You sleep on.

And seeing
Feeling you
Know stability amongst chaos

Connected unconnected

When we reduce other people to sensation
to what makes us feel good
we reduce our own humanity

We may be just puzzle pieces
lost and alone
looking for where we fit
but that’s no reason
to slip in-to, hedonistic glut

This is not a rant against pleasure but rather one against taking
we’ve been fucking so long we forgot about love making
About elevating

I’m not saying that pure pleasure in the moment is wrong but most days it does not feel right
It’s empty
And when we become empty for so long we look for anything to fill us
to make us feel accepted

Because we have forgotten what being loved felt like
Act in the service of love and painful as the mounting losses may be
you’ll always be free
of regret at least

There may not be a heaven
but there is surely a hell
because we create it here in our ongoing search for a pleasure that fills us

Our minds should be our faiths
we’re always looking for a way out when we should be following the path in

We take what we want
but taking makes wanting
until we fill ourselves with Prada and prizes
flush with money we chase the one dragon we know we can catch and that feeling fills us up for a time
but it’s still there that ache to be full on waking
that second time is never as real as the first
we become trapped in a hell of our making.

Sex, drugs, and loneliness
dragging down our dreamers all looking for connection but afraid to commit to connect.

We’re above such things
we can disconnect sex from love
free from all rules
but rules are not restriction.

Rules are the freedom to know where the lines are
so you know what you are doing when you cross them
Then it’s three AM and who is this next to me
were they wanting connection or just a slim moment of shared addiction.

Am I the stranger for wanting breakfast?

Cliff diving

It’s safe to say that I’ve been in a few relationships. Additionally, I’ve dated and had my share of bad dates. I’ve probably been the bad date for some. Too timid or too argumentative in the instances I’m thinking of. But I’ve loved and been loved. Held and been held. I think I know those traits I’m not willing to tolerate and those that make me enthusiastic and all those in between. But it’s that feeling of connection that drives me forward.

I used to exam any connection I felt, measuring all the ways it could go wrong or could go right. I’d spin up scenarios and let them play out, always looking for the perfect way forward. I’d sit on the lip of the cliff, looking over the edge. Backing up, then going right to the edge until I either lost my nerve completely or threw a pebble with a note attached to await a response. It was safe. Got to safe guard the heart, I’d been hurt before and didn’t want to feel that again.

I tried and failed and tried and failed in this way for about 5 years. A few dates, a few false starts but nothing ever came of it. We had a bit of fun is the best I could say. Then I did some mental renovation.

I started by allowing myself the luxury of feeling. Of being a complete emotional being. With my emotions fully integrated with my thoughts, my logic. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been feeling things. Just that I had been hiding behind my walls all safe and cozy. I have a high degree of empathy, and being around others in mental distress can cause a nasty feedback loop. But I was hiding, because a wall is easy. Learning how to deal is hard. So I tore the wall down.

For the first time in years I felt everything. It was crippling for a while. But I refused to step back to my perceived safety. For all that the lows were bad, the highs were more and the general middle was better than the muted existence behind my walls. It took a couple of years to stabilize. But now it has.

There have been other changes, small tweaks here and there.  The manipulation of belief structures and the questioning of long held ideas. A reexamination of every thought and idea to see if I still felt that way or if I was just operating by rote.  This lead to some strides forward and ultimately to the person I am now.  Moving forward, the most complete version of myself. Which is scary, but if it’s scary then that’s a reason to do it.

Now, I’m not afraid of the chasm, I’m afraid of not finding one. So now when I find someone I have connection to, be that emotional, mental or the rare purely physical connection, I jump. I jump off the cliff. I know it is dangerous, I know I’ll likely be hurt. But it isn’t a risk that I’ll feel bad or heartbroken, it’s an opportunity to feel happy, to love and be loved.

So I jump off cliffs, and I fall in love, and I allow my heart to be free.
Grab my hand?