Valentine’s day 28

The hardwood floor gives slightly as I pad, nude, to the doorway. Sara lingers behind, packing up the first aid kit. My eyes scan the kitchen and living room looking for our pet, Tara. She was so deep in the pet persona she could be anywhere, getting into anything. My grin, at the thought of our girl, fills my face like a cheshire cat.

I spot movement behind the giant red fox we got Tara to mark our one month anniversary. Then I hear it and my breathe catches. My heart shudders to a near stall and my whole body goes still.

Quiet sobs echo off the brick walls.
No…
She must have seen us.
My heart fills with pain and regret. I rush over to her pen, practically running the twenty five feet. She’s crying. Her tears break me. Each one a testament to how badly I’ve failed her. But that doesn’t matter now. My problem, my pain doesn’t matter now.

I open the latch and she looks right at me, her face a mask of fear. She scoots back away and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t stand this wild fear. The face of someone who is lost in the world.

I get on my hands and knees and and crawl to her. The sounds of her whimpers, so like ambrosia earlier are as ashes on my tongue. I’d do anything to take that fear from her. But, you can only kill a man once. Mores the pity.

I gather her in my arms. Holding her to my heartbeat and murmur, “come back to us, little one.” Tears spill down my face, trickle past my chin and down my neck. I’m lost to this moment. In misery. I’m a failure. I can only hold her and hope she forgives me.

Sara pulls up next to me. I didn’t hear her. She nestles against Tara. Comforting her with her presence. Her fingers intertwine with mine. I take hold of myself. Stop the tears and just hold Tara. Our love.

“We’ll fix this. Make this right,” I whisper.
“Tara, love of our life, this is a broken world. But you are not broken.”

Love doesn’t stop

The problem with love is that it really doesn’t give a shit if the person you love is tied to another. Maybe this is a my brain thing or maybe it’s something we societaly suppress. In the latter case, it’s still a my brain thing since I’ve cast aside most societal norms, or at least the reasoning behind those norms.

In any case, my brain doesn’t give 2 figs if someone is with someone else. If I see them, if they resonate with me, then I will fall in romantic love with them. Outside of family, I literally have 3 friends who I don’t romantically love. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have a positive desire to be with them in any kind of romantic context. But…I have more than three friends. And the rest, I do love in a romantic way. And I find myself slipping deeper into that mindset. It’s why, despite my desire, I must distance myself from some of them. Because, they don’t want to be loved romantically. They may value me and even love me, but not romantically. And I push. Anyone who knows me, knows that I push. Not in a bad way, but I will be more intimate, more caring, romantic than is comfortable. So, in accordance with their wishes and to safeguard my emotional state, I distance myself. I hate it, but I do it.

But, the point is that I don’t stop loving someone romantically because they are with another. I won’t try to split them up. I will, actually try to bolster their relationship if it makes the person I love happy. Because I do love them, and I want them happy. And if that isn’t going to be with me, then I’m going to help their relationship if I can. Maybe that seems like self sabotage. But, I can’t be honorable and harm someone I love for personal gain. That just doesn’t work. And maybe they would be happy with me, maybe happier. But that is their decision. I can’t compromise my values to bring them to my side.

Because, if I did that, I would not be the man they would love. I would be some kind of manipulator. And that is something I will not allow. Sometimes I see the cracks in a situation and it would be easy to widen those gaps. But to do so would be contrary to my code. It would be a fundamental betrayal. I’d rather die alone and unloved than to betray.

We all must live by the standards we set. Failure to do so is evil. It’s a manipulation of our own stated truths and it destroys the people who do it. One compromise leads to another until all that we are lays in ruins. We may have all that we wanted, but it’s ashes.

A hopeless hope is worse than nothing

I am tendrils questing out
reaching for connection
straining to directions
which once were home
just a hothouse bloom
slowly slipping into quiet
a last goodbye
a last hurrah
before the final cull

I am tendrils reaching out
And finding only
Silence

What do you say…

What do you say when all the words have been said
When the sound of your footsteps walking away seem to echo

What do you say when you are still hopeless, still deeply, deliciously, precariously, in love.

When you tell them every day but only in your head because they are gone but in a maybe temporary way and your heart can’t let go.

What do you say?

Love is a conundrum, a puzzle I can’t solve, a path you cannot walk alone.

Are you so present in my head because of my feelings? Is it metaphysical and our tie is feeding back to me your feelings? Are we just fools? Me for loving, you for silence?

Or am I only allowing the deep river of my feelings to cloud what is real?

Tired, so tired

When I was without communication, without Facebook, without texting, I think I was happier.

Without this constant potential connection, But no actual connection. Because I’m drowning here. I thought I knew how to swim, but maybe the waters are rising. Each attempt, each failure, breaks me further.
Until, at last, there’s nothing left to give.

The maelstrom calms

And I shall blossom like a star
Firmament made light
Radiation spilling out
Beyond control
Beyond caring

Elation made tangible
Joy singing the choral notes of a universe
Speak a voice, whiskey stained
Answered by another yet unknown

Make fast
A storm is raging
Not of destruction
But a joining

And all else, sleeps

The sleeper, wakes

This heart beats
It beats
It beats
I reach out
Through the sound
Through the pounding
Out through the reverberations
Shivering on the air
Until snaps sound
like gates crashing open
Sensation floods in
out beyond the boundaries
of skin
Every hair rises
Connection
I wake
I wake
I wake
Take my hand
Wake with me

Hopes fruition…

Slip awake to distant dream
From feel of warmth and skin to skin
To this cold remembering

This desperate touch of dream
Of eyes held
Of hands clasped fingertips
Of silence pressed out
Thin on the edge of shattering

The heat of our bodies
Mismatched
But minds touching
Quantum entanglement
The spark originates
Then traverses this bridge
Bound eternal in our spinning

The sound of breathing
The rise and fall
You sleep on.

And seeing
Feeling you
Know stability amongst chaos