Not too revelatory

I noticed this for the first time today. It’s something I knew. But something I just took on faith. That of course that is how I see it. And it’s a pretty simple revelation. If realizing that the thing you thought all along is really the way that you think can be considered revelatory.

So what was it?
Pretty simple. If I am emotionally invested in a person then I just see them. What I mean is this: I notice changes but only so that I can compliment them. I notice changes so that I can cement the image of who they are right now in my heart. But then I discard it. It’s not relevant and on a day to day basis I just see them. If I found them attractive before then I continue to find them attractive. Who they are is the thing I like. Who they are is where my emotional attachment and, as a result, how I perceive them. Why is this just coming to light?

A Acquaintance level 2 and a Friend level 1 both have lost weight recently. Both lost enough to effect their physical appearance. One drastically. But I don’t see it. Or rather it’s not relevant for me to consciencly notice. I saw a side by side comparison of one of them and I thought wow they lost a bunch of weight. But when I see them in person, it doesn’t enter my conscious mind.

So I just don’t see primarily cosmetic differences. I’m happy if they are happy. Who they are hasn’t changed. They are more confident but I always saw them as more than they accepted of themselves. So it’s just good that they are coming to realize that.

I know, it’s odd to see and think like this. What can I say, but that if you are not examining the why’s and how’s of your thinking, then how will you become the self you are trying to be?

You’re comfortable in your misery

Inflicted by silences
Taken for granted
A punishment for long ago pains
actions aren’t punishable forever
Words spoken, of forgiveness, not matched with action
Need this slot you fill rather than needing you
Why you put up with it is a mystery

Guilt he never lets you forget
Abandoned, silence, neglect
Bought a nice toy to perpetuate the myth
All is well, remember what you did.

Embraced by dark emotions, captured by them
Remember the light
Don’t fall for the allure of the comfortable
Just because the pains aren’t physical
Doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

Top 5 things I miss about being in a relationship

1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.

2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.

3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.

4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.

5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.

Thoughts on my emotional insecurities

While I was with her I could convince myself I wasn’t in love
Because if I was in love I would lose her
As I’ve lost all those I dared love

Some would point to the one person I walked away from, but she betrayed us. She decided she liked me to chase her more than she liked having me. Always a step further, a step away, chase harder when I was already running full speed.

But back to the point, intellectually I know that if we’re not right then one or both should decide and move on. But emotionally? It feels like a dull echo of when Morgan died. Like I’m being left, lost and forlorn. Which, let’s face it, isn’t very attractive since it leads to bad decisions. There is a series of scenes in the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray is wooing Andy McDowell and after the initial good play thru he fucks up by trying too hard, you can feel the desperation. Thankfully, I only have that problem when I think the relationship is slowing down, perhaps ending. But that’s a problem in and of itself, it accelerates the decline if it was going that way or plants the idea that if I think it’s ending maybe there is a real reason (maybe but generally it’s in my head). I guess that’s my next project, learning not to hold on so tightly that I strangle the relationship. It really never ends, the human brain is the ultimate fixer upper.

Poetry Month

Friday is the start of Poetry Month. I am pledged to 2 poems per day. It will be difficult made, wonderfully, more difficult by my general happiness.  Though I may have found my muse, so she will make it a little easier.

I look forward to writing them.  I hope you look forward to reading them.  If you like one then give it a like on the social media of your choice or on the site.  If you feel something when you read it, I invite you to comment. 

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you on Friday.

Jealousy

I never counted myself a jealous man until I found relationships where my place was uncertain. I think some of the jealousy stems from wanting and not having.  I know if we’re physically intimate that when you are with anyone else you are going to have flashes, memories of me.  I am that confident in my abilities as a lover and a Top.

The other factor is that I am expecting at some point to hear what I would say.  Something along the lines of, “I’m here, I won’t abandon you.” I have real issues with being left.  Because of Morgan dying. I know she would have stayed if she could but we’re talking emotional states here.  It comes off as weakness, as not being confident.  Its not, but it is an issue I’m aware of.

My future choices

After so many missteps, I must begin to consider that it isn’t bad luck. I must accept that the people who I am attracted to are hurting in some way. I think because my first love was hurting and I was her strength. Indeed, we drew strength from each other. So perhaps I’m looking for the echo of that relationship in future relationships. I’m not doing it consciously. But I need to exam my attraction more closely. Not because desiring to help is bad necessarily but to do it as an acquaintance or advisor may be a better option for me emotionally. Going forward anyway. Choices made are already made and I must live in the shadow of those choices.

The parts of my mind

I wonder when you tell me things what you want to hear? My rational mind, my emotional one, or the part that thinks like a feudal lord? I tend to share what my rational mind says. That part of me is good at advice. My emotional mind wants you to say that you are mine and take confidence from that. But I don’t think you want to be anyone’s. So I can’t say that, not and be available to you. And the feudal part? It wants you. That’s it. If someone challenges you or hurts you in any way it wants to confront them until they back down or shred them if they fail to do so.

Sometimes I think you are looking for me to say what my other pieces are thinking. But I’m shit at reading those situations when they effect me. I would say what all three are thinking but I don’t want to push you away. I want you to want all three. I almost said I want you to read this and tell me but I fear what the answer would be and if it’s all the same I’d like to hold on to hope for awhile longer even if it proves false.

A thing that I say.2

I always have at least three reasons for taking an action. Why I desire it, the emotional reason. Why I want to, the short term reason. And what will it gain me,the long term reason. For example, why do I write? The emotional reason: In the beginning it was because I felt lighter, more free when I posted. Now it is out of an intense desire for connection. To be seen as I am. The short term reason: I enjoy it. And I’m a bit addicted to it. Long term reason: I hope something I write will evoke an emotional response in another. That it will be carried out into the world and make the world different and hopefully better.
So, three reasons. Always at least three.

I want (obverse)

To scream
To cry out
To confront you
To kiss you
To hold you
To walk away
To burn the building down
To do anything to get your attention
To hide from ever being
To shout out, “why do I still love you!”
To beg you,
anything, anything to stop hurting
To plunge myself out of emotions and back into physical pursuits

And deep down, I thrash and strain, attempting to wrench myself free, while secretly hoping, you’ll say the word
Anything is better than this half state