Stepped out 

Spinning my wheels in this perpetual motion machine of self doubt and recrimination
each misstep outlined and underscored
each disclosed ‘secret’ filled with the thought that I’m weird for thinking this way
and when reassured that I’m not
thinking that I’m being humored
for if my eccentricity was accepted why is it so simple to walk away from me
abandoned by those I love leaves me grasping
makes them leave all the sooner

I think I’m being honest when I say I have abandonment issues
I’m not holding you hostage
I’m just asking that when you leave you tell me why
Huh, ‘when you leave’,
I don’t expect you to stay and what does
that say
of the shape my heart is in
or is it just thinking realistic

I fear that I am not enough
that the day to day life of reading and writing and work
laundry and dinners and silences that drag on too long because I’m holding the conversation in my head
because I want to say the right thing
the thing that let’s you stay with me
but it’s a fools errand
if I knew what to say I would have said
now I’m being too cautious
I’m holding back because each time I hold forward it’s all too much but maybe your different?

Maybe I am the one you want but being honest
you, whoever you are
are likely with someone else
I stopped playing musical chairs awhile back
now that the music stopped wandered back into the room

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