Rant

Brief rant on miscommunication as trope

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Why is it that the miscommunication trope in every damn comedy, romantic or otherwise, is seen as funny? As if most people are not just as un observant and would not havr similar issues.

Instead we are asked to laugh at these poor fools who make assumption after assumption. It infuriates me. Especially when it’s romantic in nature. What exactly is so hard about being honest? Just ask the question!! A moment, perhaps, of looking foolish will solve hours and days of being uncertain.

Are we so self conscious that we can’t bear to seem less than in total control? I’ll tell you right now that being in total control means acknowledging when you have incomplete information and persuing knowledge to fill in those blanks. Ego is worthless in such an endeavor.

Are we so scared of looking weak that we would rather bumble around waiting for someone to provide us with the exact information we need?
Unless, you are in a situation where you must pretend to knowledge you don’t have, keeping silent isn’t going to help.

You may need to be selective in who you ask. But on a romantic context, of you can’t ask your partner then you have larger issues of which miscommunication plays only a part of.

Rant on the improper application of psychological principles to every day life

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Codependency is bandied about as if were a bad thing. And, in a culture where being independent is prized, it may be seen by the society at large to be a bad thing. But is it truly? We are pack animals and I use pack deliberately. We have pack dynamics which are nuanced rather than herd dynamics which have a tendency to take all cues from a single leader. As pack, we are dependent on each other for safety, for health, for joy, for love. That humanity forms its own packs rather than relying solely on extended family is different but not unique.

So back to codependentcy. We see it as bad because we have this notion that we stand alone and standing alone is strength. It’s one of those siren call lies. We want to be enough for all things but that is neither rational nor healthy. Codependentcy is only a bad thing when it subsumes your one personality supplanting it with the hopes and dreams of the other. In other words, when the behavior travels into psycopathy.

And that’s where media fails us. Because, in search of a quick engagement, we are told quick and unnuanced information. Like, codependence is bad. Video games, bad. Movies, bad. Etc, etc…
But what they fail to say is that these things are only bad when they have a negative impact on your well-being.

So obsessed with social media that it negatively effects your self image? Bad.
Going on Instagram to see pictures of puppies? Not bad.

Play that mmo until you fall into a coma? Bad.
Go on a weekly raid with your guild? Not bad.

So codependent that your personality is subsumed by the will of your partner? Bad
Being with a partner whose strengths compliment yours and whose love reflects your own? Not bad

This notion that depending on someone or liking something is a bad thing is all situation dependent. And to what extreme you are experiencing that thing. And the fact that we are made to feel guilty or made to feel as if we need to justify our choices because of the improper application of psychology is galling.

The crumble of a nation

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I want to be clear
What we are seeing is no less than the hijacking of the election.
The means by which millions of Americans vote has been slowed. Mail-in ballots, which this country has used since the Civil War and which is widely held to be a reliable and secure means of voting, are being slowed by deliberate actions.
First by appointment of a Postmaster whose first acts were to destroy the Post Offices means of sorting by decommissioning the sorters which allow the mail carriers to sort at volume. Then by disallowing overtime. Then by forcing sorting at the end of the day instead of the beginning. Each step intended to slow down and disrupt the delivery of the mail. Which includes prescriptions for the VA(Veterans Affairs). Which includes mail in prescriptions of all kinds.

Let me make this point clear. A disruption of mail service, during a pandemic, is nothing less than an assault. Delays that this disruption is causing is medically endangering people. And it is disruptive for the process of voting which would enable people to vote without additional risk to their lives.

But it’s clear, from the tapes that the president invited by having a series of private interviews with famed journalist, Bob Woodward. It’s clear that he knew that the virus was deadly. He knew what it’s transmission rates were. It’s clear that he has a callous disregard for any life that is not his own.

And the assault continues, because even that is not enough. He(trump and his fellow co-conspirators) packed the federal judges with conservatives wherever possible. Which means every time we as citizens question the law or the government we run head first into a wall of red. And the means by which, the last means we have, of removing the president from office after our checks and balances have failed is being abridged.

Be clear, we are under assault. This is a all out war on our rights and privileges. And when the dust and blood clears, we will either be defeated or we will be at war. Because he will not leave office quietly.

I once held this country in high esteem. I was proud of what it stood for(in the ideal, not the practical). I believed that if we could put aside our small minded fears, we could be something grand. A beacon of hope. I was wrong.

We are in a war to the knife for this country. And if we lose here, we are done. Maybe not immediately, but this is the tipping point.

Wake and act.

Monetization of the human soul

Pelgris3 Comments

I totally wish I was asleep right now
Huddle in a blanket
A little too warm but oblivious because I am about to be oblivious
I completely get why I’m not
I have to get up
I have to get ready for work
So that they keep paying me
So that I can pay bills
So that the lights stay on
So I can live in a house
Not the street
So that I can eat today and tomorrow
So that my health doesn’t deteriorate faster

And that’s completely why I want to be asleep
Because that
Is bullshit
I have to go to work
So that I don’t die
So that my living conditions don’t devolve
Because there is no basic human state of living
Which our society would support
No level at which safety is guaranteed
There is either working poor
Or super rich
If you stopped working today
How long would it be before you were homeless?
Before you couldn’t eat?
Before this level of belief that you are doing well deteriorates?
Not long
For most of us, not even a paycheck
For many of us
Less than that
The people who have somehow made enough money that they have other streams of income
Many of which are dependent on you going to that job every day
They last longer
But eventually we all fall
And who is left?
The ones who accumulated so much personal wealth that they are themselves nation-states. They personally employ so many people, that their lives are safe…for longer.
But the system is collapsing
In slow motion perhaps
But it’s falling
Because we created tools which influence human weakness on a vast scale
And gave those tools to whoever had any amount of money.
I finally see how the world of Anathem(Neal Stephenson’s book) comes about
How worlds fall and are reborn
But we don’t have a system in place to reboot us
We’ll fall into barbarism
And we’ll pay for the privilege
And the ones with the money will last longer
But when the structure crumbles
The towers fall eventually
But still
I have to go to work
Because I’m not paid to see and speak truth

Just another rant about words

Pelgris2 Comments

The delineation between loving someone versus being in love with someone is bullshit.
What you actually mean is that you don’t hold romantic and/or sexual feelings for a person.
And pretending that “in love” is some kind of permanent state is a harmful practice. It negates most relationships. Causes grief and pain and destroys families.
“In love” should be used to mean that not only are you romantically linked, but also that you will do the real work of maintaining and building your relationship(s) so that the state of “in love” can be achieved.

This desperate seeking for a “spark” is ridiculous. Sparks are fleeting and while they can kindle a flame, it is but one way in which a fire is created.

People are all looking for a thunderbolt but a fire built from steady constant work will burn just as hot and instead of that instant destruction, can build.

And some of us are nuclear fires born of stars, we need other stars to be happy. But really, any person who hasn’t hardened their heart, can become a star.
To build and build lasting and out lasting a mortal span.

I suppose I’m just tired of the limits people place on their hearts. I understand caution. Hells, I understand a sharp blade at the right time. But still, we could be less foolish with our phrasing. Words build us. Give us a framework to assault reality.

And yes, if someone advances on you unwanted, well then remember that sharp knife I mentioned?

This may be hubris or futile

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I don’t know if this applies to anyone reading this
Or if I even have the right
But I’m in a position to say it so it’s my responsibility
If he or she(they, etc) harms you, you have my permission and my hope that you leave.
That you go and find someplace safe. That you seek out what help is available and you go.

I know it’s not my place or even if it will do any good but know that you are better than the person inflicting you with trauma and you, in no way, deserve whatever harm is occurring.
You deserve a life free from fear, free from harm.
No one has the right to harm you. No one has the right to physical or mentally torture you.

If you are waiting for someone to say, leave. To be given instruction to go. Then this is it. Go. Leave and never go back.

Thoughts on the state of Symphonies and their place in classical music

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I have a love/hate relationship with classical music. Or perhaps love/sleep with it. There are pieces of classical music that soar and take me in and hold me up to heights unrealized and other pieces that feel uninspired and tired.

And I wonder, is this just how the notes impact me or is it that these are pieces that were written without need beyond the need for a meal or a drink?

Are these the pieces written for patrons, for commission? For some Duke or Queen, to garner attention in the hopes that it will lead to a steady gig?

And, while I don’t begrudge an artist the means of making a living, should these pieces now be venerated merely because of provinance and age? Or should they be viewed with an eye which turns first inwards then with a heart looking for that precipice from which to leap and grow wings?

Playing it safe pleases donors. Pleases the modern patrons, but should this be the criteria?

Should we not be able to embrace the classical composer without also embracing the mediocre or culturally uninspired efforts that allowed them to put bread on the table?

Maybe that’s hard to do. Hard to see what is emotionally resonant when the pieces themselves are tied to names that echo with greatness. Hard to justify risk when the continued success of the players is dependent on donations.

Perhaps, instead of begging for donations the price of a ticket should reflect the cost of the performance. It’s an oft quoted figure that each performance is only half paid by ticket sales. Making up the rest with donations…makes art hostage to future generosity.

It’s probable that I don’t fully grasp the economics of it. But I’d rather hear a schedule that takes risks and plays with fire than one that is merely safe. Speaking as a lover of classical music, why must I choose to support staid selections to receive the hope of one or two truly moving pieces in a season.

Perhaps it’s too much to hope for. I’m not sure. But I do know that if you play music that makes my heart sing…when I am enraptured… Then you will have a patron for life.

We must all serve the beauty in our hearts.

Or maybe I just hate falling asleep at the Symphony.

Waking up angry

Pelgris1 Comment

I should not be lauded on my attitudes of consent. I should not think of my stances as militant even though I do so.

My thoughts and actions concerning consent should be so normal that to think anything else is to act outside the norm. It should be fringe and backwater, uninformed and brutish to engage in nonconsent.

I read accounts of women and men put through horror just because they were there. Just because they wanted a job. Just because they wanted a chance to do good work. Just because they wanted to see if there was a connection. And it fills me with rage.

How is this allowed?
How is this our culture, not just in the west but in the world?

Should people in power lose their positions because of their actions?

Yes. That is the least that should occur. They should pay with their lives and livelihoods, just as their actions forced others to make the same choices. They should be stripped of every good thing they ever acquired after their actions. No profit from the pain of others.

Informed enthusiastic consent needs to be taught from a young age. It needs to be a part of the curriculum. It needs to be enforced at home. If your child does not want to hug someone they should not be forced to. Do not normalize gritting your teeth and doing the things that make you feel aick. That make you feel bad. That make you feel used. Or as an object.

“No means no” is not enough. People freeze. People become nonverbal.

No is no is placing the onus of consent on the victim rather than the aggressor.

Only informed(non impaired judgment) enthusiastic(interested, nonforced) positive(yes, yes, yes) and ongoing(given throughout the encounter) consent is real true consent. If any of those criteria is not met then nothing should happen.

And I cannot stress ongoing enough.
Yes to kiss is not yes to fuck. Yes to a drink is not yes to a kiss. Yes to a hug is not yes to a grope.
Ongoing, every step or it all stops. And the initiator needs to be watching for any sign of nonconsent. It may “kill the mood”, (yes that’s been said to me), but better that than to physically hurt or emotionally damage someone.

And you the initiator…you have consent too. You can say no, stop, no more, break off contact, all of the same rules apply. Just because you started something doesn’t mean you must continue(yes it does happen that we kissed but I didn’t want to fuck)

We are leaving so much emotional, physical, and mental wreckage in our wake. This needs to stop. We need to stop it. Culturally we need to call out every action that does this. And we need to teach our youth not only what is Not ok, but what is. They must know what their responsibility is before they can be responsible.

Let who you are free into the light

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I hate keeping secrets. Even lies by omission hurt.

I spent a portion of my youth on secrets. On lies. It almost killed me. It came close. At the end, all I had was money, scars, and grey hair. The money is gone. The scars are mostly faded. The grey hair stayed. And a deep abiding pain that accompanies lies.

I spent years clawing out of various closets. Sexuality, society, BDSM. And at the end of it, I found peace.

But still people want me to hide. To be discreet. To say it’s no one’s business but ours.

But let me tell you. It may be no one’s business but ours, but it’s on them to turn their heads. Hiding is lying. Discretion is fine, but it should not stop a kiss or a hug or holding hands. If it does then that’s fear.

Just because I can hide or lie; Because I practiced for years, doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I loathe it.

I understand why hiding may be necessary. If life or liberty is on the line. But if not? It’s not worth the cost.

And sometimes, even life and liberty are not enough. We should be who we are. Shout it from the rooftops. And to those that would silence us, let them reap the consequences. Let them fear.

I said I didn’t like lying. I didn’t say I’d forgotten my past.

Reiteration, repetition, and real

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I am trying for the opportunity
The opportunity to stand by you. To work with you and help elevate you. The opportunity to hold you and keep the demons who would harm you at bay and the opportunity to scold your demons who lie and sow confusion. The opportunity to throw open and embrace all of the parts of you and show you the way back out of the darkness of those desires.
I want to give you the best and worst parts of me because I aim to give you truth and I can’t do that by hiding my faults. I want to watch your smile flower and never leave you. I want to show you how wrong those who’ve hurt you were. Even though I know you know that they were wrong I want to help you heal those deep parts that still don’t believe it. I want to walk in the sunlight without fear. Your hand in mine, eyes held high, daring the world to say something. I want you to meet my friends and see them roll their eyes at how cute we are together. I want you to meet my family and cringe as they say the stupid shit I know they’ll say. I want you to never have to guess what I’m feeling. I want you to never have to endure silence. I want to hear your voice every day. I want to hear you laugh all the time. I want all of the private things you think and want in your mind and heart to be the the words in my ear that gets you those things. Pain, orders, stability, sex. The sure and absolute place in my heart and world that never waivers. I aim to be yours. Forever. I’m working towards that. Things are weird, things are hard. There is confusion. But never waiver, never doubt that by your side, on your side, I will always be. Whatever happens.