Close enough to be far away

This is the poem I wrote while completely in despair before I passed out from emotional pain that feels like a heart attack, but just a little one. A poem that I couldn’t go to sleep without writing even though I was exhausted, having had four hours of sleep each night for four nights.

Sitting in this storm full of razor blades
Cut to pieces in the eye
Saw you through the wind
Thought take a chance
Else you die

Never make it past the barriers
Just this blood
This pain
These tears

Waiting for the long road
To end

And these are the thoughts after I wake, having gotten four hours of sleep and not being able to get back to sleep, because my heart hurts like a constant low level heart attack and I widen my eyes and hold my breath to keep writing and my vision blurs from unshed tears. And I blink but things just get more blurry. And I have to take a breath. And it feels like everything stops.

It doesn’t.
And I think
“It’s halfway through the week, can I make it through another one?”
It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sleeping and tears are so close to the surface and I feel so lost and lonely. And I want all the things we might be or have been but I miss my friend too. And life is just stupid and hard.

Lost in my life

I miss you in the long empty place
Between one breath and the next
Between one heartbeat
And the long hopeless till the next
When I wake
And your words are silent
When I sleep
Alone in my empty bed
Driving down freeways wondering if your up
If you’d like to say high
But can’t
My limbs ache for want of holding you
My words drip from blurry eyes
Out into the spaces between
Hoping they reach you
Hoping they bring you back
Heart beats waiting

The sun struts and dances

Heat lights the silence
Soft clouds drift in too blue sky
Rush of bodies bellow
Melting into skin
Sun beats down
Carving sound

In this pocket
Just the silence
Deep within
The tears
Cries of need

Looking towards the east
Looking towards a future
One yet unrealized
One which may never be

And the soft thump
Of a heart no where close
To giving up

But still
And pain wracked sobs

The pain a deep abiding presence
Alleviated only in the brief
Too brief
Of you


We are lights burning out into the brightness
The dark isn’t as scary
Cause I see the other lights
And I know that we’re shining out
Yearning for that brilliant nova connection
Two stars rotating in orbit until
Too close they burst
New light

Love fool

We say that love lasts forever
But that’s not true
It lasts as long as we feed it
As long as the environment we grow it in can sustain it
At best that’s forever, until it breaks our hearts when they die
At worst its when it shatters and we need to run to cover to avoid being caught in the shrapnel

But most it dies slowly, in between. Lack of feeding.
Until all we are left is the hollow echo of the edifice
Filled with fuckups and missed chances
Filled with the haunting laughter and the heart ripping memories of promises made

Love breaks us all
But like fools
The best kind of hopeful beautiful fools
We keep trying

Other plans

I’m not looking for a different life
I’m looking for a life with you
I’m not running away
I’m running to

Yet here I am
this face
That slight smile
hiding the grimace
That rictis of pain
lurking just beneath the surface

Two interlaced
Pulled apart so slowly
Not a sound is made

Just a long drawn out scream slowed down
Sounds like wind
Howl of agony
Broken and warbling

Bled by hours
Glass falling from a high shelf
Seconds before impact
Just the panic
Before the pieces fly apart

Because they love you

Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them

Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions

Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole

Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work

Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty

Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right

Starving in the land of plenty

We act like our world is all one way
Blissful or burned by parallel reality
Same universe, same world

But really, how many lives can you see?
Which journeys will take you down roads that branch and branch until you see no way out?
Or end all too abruptly in a grave?
We want what we want and we want it now.
Blinded by our choice to only see those opinions that echo our own.
Unable to change minds because our own are so mired in our mirrors
Reflecting opinions back until anything outside is a foreign body to be attacked

Our opinions are so often lies of those tied to a news cycle
read an opinion and assimilate it rather than form your own
Learn someone else’s philosophy and wisdom, regurgitate
Look am I not wise
I said the same thing the parrots of my political flavor say

Things change but in cultural drifts
In ebbs and flows
Stutters and starts
In conflict
In choices each time we open our mouths
Open our doors

It’s in the quiet words we tell ourselves and in the reason why we shout
I’m here
I’m alive
I matter
Listen to me
Words fade in the cacophony

But be the rock unwavering
and be beaten to sand
A sacrifice
A choice
A stand

Life ends
In our silence
In our fear

Hope dies
Undiscovered in the discarded dross
Of our willful blindness

Take my eyes
I wish to see