A city of half closed doors turned inside out

I have made a garden of bones, of sinew
Flowers of synapse sparking lightning to the chill night air
Pathways of blood mark the dark ways wending to the heart
Sits beating a slow rhythm of hope
Topiarys of muscle expand and contract
Exposed nerves shiver in the wind
Thoughts and dreams play out across a storm strewn sky
Broken arrow teardrops fall piercing this exposure

The blade cuts thrice

I have no mind to keep my heart silent
It shouts its ebbulation
A bubble filled with joy rolling up my throat
Trapped at vocal chords
You say it’s not time
And in the frenzy of my love
I swallow exhultant shouts
That now sit like lead against the dull thump
Echo ringing in ears
Voice trapped behind teeth
I’ve no mind for these types of games
But I play hoping for a different outcome

The pain sits heavy, however. Drawing tears when all I want is a you that is free. Not this trapped butterfly beating against still drying cacoon. Knowing full well you are mine only for these space of minutes between past and flight. Still, I’d cut you free, if you’d let me.

Me and my damned word. I’ll let you lead and set the pace I promised. Never knowing how cruel I was being to us both
This dance of back and forth. Stepping into one world while trapped in another.
Only you can free us, perhaps you have forgotten
Perhaps I can’t remember
This was a game pushed past boundaries

This heart held heavy in swallowed silence
Watching you wake
Let me speak
‘ere I drown
In silence

Three by three

I’m struggling to find the way forward
Maybe finding myself in the same place
You look for and find but mainly
Nothing has changed
Just a bit older
A few thousand more words marking passage
A bit less happy
When you are defined by grief, letting that grief go is the hardest thing to do.
You find yourself untethered but without an anchor, what are you?
I know what I am. Perhaps that’s the worst thing. To know what you are and still see no path forward. Just stuck in this shallow waiting for a glimmer of some hope

Just need some distance

Perhaps I prefer a layer of abstraction to my words because they feel like pins breaking through the veins
poking out at odd angles
painful but embarrassing
painful but then you’ll notice me and hiding is easier when it’s a storm and not me that’s crying

perhaps it’s easier because these words are only sometimes mine and other times are the unbroken scream that lives in my chest and stops just short of my throat because men don’t break down and cry
because everything has to be in control or she might not love me
because sleep eludes me and screams at 3am will bring sirens and questions

Perhaps I just need to be distant because weaing the razorblade straight jacket no longer fits
but its thin slices fit so easily into my scars
who would know the difference

perhaps I’m just tried and tired of being vulnerable and need that distance to lie to myself a little bit longer
a lie I’m not allowed to speak to others so I tell them to myself.

“I am loved” I say when I mean I want to die.
I am loved, when I mean why doesn’t she see me
I am loved when I mean Why can’t I just say what I mean?

Love is my lie, it keeps me going, keeps me moving

Hiding in the cracks of my own abstraction

Waking up in purgatory

A ten by ten room
made of blood and bone
sinew taut and running rone
languid thought and slashing blade
hurricane disaster
a grip on the horizon
and the last drop of whisky
hard to loose oblivion
drunk on pleasure and serotonin withdrawal
awaking nightmare
found without rudder
without sail
adrift
welcoming the last storm

Trace of limits

To ascend as if a bird
foundering foundation falls away
only scant skin separates faith from fall
Drought as diamond
base desire wars with ascent
Solitude in flight
destination unknown
nazca lines embroider
faint markings
of a dwindling civilization
A filter on the self
Dwindling down to these few grains
Lost in the pleasure of being
Hold in arms grown weary
One last choice
Last chance