Cyanide and honeyed garlic

Knowledge is the price of freedom
It always has been.
Not the not knowing…ignorance is slavery
No, the price of freedom is Knowing
Knowing truths
Unpleasant, often horrible, truths
Which is why humanity spends so much time and energy hiding
Retreating and backpedaling from the reality that they see
Rising up in glorious moments of comprehension
until they see one truth too many and it sends them scurrying back to the poisoned lullaby sleep of ignorance
That slip back into “simpler times”
The false memories of how good it used to be
Disregarding that it was the persuit of knowledge and a deep distrust of willful ignorance that little by little
dragged you into the a future filled with wonders
Never before in history has humanity had so much
Even the poorest of us
trapped in imposed cycles of blood and poverty have to hand more luxury than ever seen before
And still, the people with the most keep falling back
Keep retreating from truth because
its hard, its so hard
Like children whose days of play have been ripped away
trying for one more minute of ignorance
unwilling to pay the butchers bill that their ignorance has accrued
Instead doubling down again and again
that fevered gambler hoping desperately that they can eak out one more turn of the cards
while the world around them burns,
at last we come to the end of knowledge
abutting its happy and callous head against Truth
Where choices matter more and more
the world changes on a whim
Forged by those who’ve forgotten that it’s the
Enlightened part of self interest that makes civilization work

Each step equidistant from future and past

I am brightness in darkness
Kindness in tragedy
A pleasurable reprieve in the darkling sea
And in the light
The shine that pulled you away from pain
Glimmers with dark light
No bright bird sharing cheer and excitement
Dark croak and sardonic cuts
Too bright for one world
Too dark for the other
And here I stand
On the borders
Betwixt
Calling your name

The ritual of waking

The day begins in reluctance
In putting out of the mind all the things
All the things outside of control
And choose breakfast
My kind of breakfast
Crunchy peanut butter and Strawberry Jam on molasses toast
Downing water
Reading a book
Anything to not think about
Not take the next step
Because then it begins
The shower and the dressing
The shoes I never wear except in the public world
Drawing down my war personality
Pieces of me shutting off
Transition to a darker mien
Each step taking me from where I prefer
From safety
From the place where I grow
To the place where I am diminished
Because, in this world, what I am and what I do
Does not pay for food
For space to breathe
For shelter
Instead I subject myself to the whims of others
Without agency
Without choice except to live in poverty
It’s worse now
Before I was given responsibility
Before I was given trust
And before it was all taken away
Every day it gets worse
Every day I learn more
Maybe enough to leave
But
I’m just procrastinating
That first step to begin the day
To all of us in that same position
Declaiming, in lament, It is what it is
Remember
It is not
Will be
We still have choices
Even if we can’t yet see their horizons

Better a dirge than bitter silence

devolution of appetite yearning for the next pointless acquisition bleeds into limbs
Lifting and depositing eager avarice into wet red clacking maw
Small voices screaming for surcease
Unheeded and ignored
Self destruction made simpler than devotion
Placed pointless to gain ground
Stolen places and time
Daily resolutions
False hopes as it all slips away
Holding too tightly
All dreams
Die

Sleep filled eyes, dreams on my tongue

My mind lives in a dream
Where love heals and hope is sweet
It flashes pictures of me
holding people I love
Of smiles and our closeness

But I’ll wake soon
Look about and know
Dreams are bitter
Their sweetness lays in lying
In the building of maybe into occurence

But I’ll rise soon
Heart woken
Knowing even through broken
What was may never be
What is cannot be known
And what will be

Unknown
But it will hurt
Even if wonderful
It will be a beginning
It will be an end

Lost in mists, hoping for the sun

Pain in not knowing is phantom
Hollow
It fills and forms in shapes of fear
It billows and morphs
No minute is sacred
No place is safe
It travels with
Unseen until the strike

Love dances unbidden
Hand in hand with terror
A child of innocence
Unknowing in simple minutes
Flash fear

Physical distance of if only’s
Choices made for future
Fear
Keeps us from
Those last steps to freedom

What is wanting in the surity of her savage kiss

Some thoughts violate pleasures
Some boil and seethe looking for fertile ground
Waiting to grow flowers which bloom blossoms heavy with blood
Dark ponders
Desire wars with decency
Losing and winning
Who can tell when the lash falls
Split grin
All the horror of imagination
Given freedom
By a Whispered
Yes
By the knowledge
Her only limit
How far I’m willing to go

When memories thought inviolate slip away beyond reach

Feeling broken for no particular reason
No glaring signal saying this is the red flag
This is where the healing will begin
Instead just hurting
Just a bag full of empty
Spilling out over symptoms
The endless seeking of distractions
Anything to not think except in those moments between cease and sleep
Where all that was held away comes crashing down through paper walls which held it at bay
Thin constructs fooling myself that this is a normal life and these are normal activities
Fundamentally seeking but burned out from the search
Looking for a reprieve but places aren’t safety
Just defensible rooms
People have ever been my succor
Holding and taking care of those I love heals me
Keeps me going to the point where you say you want to see my darkness
But become Mired in light
Because the darkness retreats when my love is allowed expression
Wrong to say it’s gone but it retreats to lurk and wait in ambush
Too tired to even think about suicide
Instead yearning for sex, something passive, to be done to me while I curl and cry
Anything just to feel more than empty
I’ve been seconds from the ledge, one steps from jumping and still this all consumption of emotions is worse
This endless expanse of nothing
Stretched borders making for the treeline
Drowning in the blood of mourning
Lost without her Yes or Sir
Masters have demons too
Ours just seem like controlled because they are control
Perfection is a lost art
Artists lost in the false storms of embrace
A yes away from hell or salvation
One more chance
One more piece broken
One more piece of jagged glass
Still capable of cutting me free

Crystalline disappearance in the first rays of dawn

Bitter ache slips down veins into bone
Dull burn on tip of tongue
Speech crashes
Shattered
Silent breaks as frost
Capillaries widen
Panic or heartbreaking
Slow catching of breath
Split between hoping for one or the other
Begins the endings
And rusted wounds
Weep iron shavings
Last memories fading