A hearts burst of flame, dark and light at war

The hell of my heart is that even when they walk away
Even if they crush my heart and sprinkle it bloody in the thorns of rosebushes
I still love them
Would still protect them
Even if they hate me
Believing whatever is in their hearts that makes it easy to stay away
My love is my destruction
As ever it was
Down the long skein
From beginning to end

Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken

Select: Shuffle

My playlist sings of loss
Pull up favorites
Spin the wheel
Shuffle
Shuffled steps
Head down
Contemplation
Musical augery
Dance in hopes dashed reverie
Shuffle foretells misery
Like it reads my heart
Empty suffused darkness
Distilled in smoke stained notes
Each record clicks in place
Bones rolled
In modern sacrifice
Mired in the present
Like a maze with no exit
Just beginnings
Middles
And blood drenched wrong turns
Dead ends decorated by bones

White noise

This lonely
A hole inside that cannot be filled by me alone
I need other voices to speak
To be the ones I think of
To want my voice
My thoughts
My passion
I’ve tried the being alone thing
A ghost haunting my life
No rebirth
No chrysalis
Just one step after another
An endless series of days
Only through other eyes do I see
Only through others am I whole
A fatal flaw
A design element out of wack
Or just compassion run amok
It’s never as simple as we need it
And I’ve never been an easy man
Tired of these endless days
Waiting
Stepping
Forward
Away

Immediate emotional reaction

knives rip my esophageal lining
Shredding stomach
Shredding heart
Breaking mind
Blood coughs up
Weakness steals over me
Pain so rough
I’m dying
But
Body won’t give up when my heart breaks
Nausea has me looking for a bucket
All light and kind drain
Please
Let me die
There’s nothing left

An artists rendition

Hold up a mirror to face my flaws
Saw you watching me
Quietly in the background
Mirrors show us things we cannot ourselves see
And how can such an image be trusted
It reflects but does it reflect true or
Is our brain trying to fill the edge of space with maybes
I saw you there
Crying in the mirror
No sound
And I turn and you are dust
Each morning
Getting ready
Fogging the mirror with steam
so that I can not see
Until I look and see
That I have become whole
And what I’m missing is you
This is what healing is
Another way of losing you a third time

Inexorable conclusion, perhaps

Your hand on my arm
That simple touch
Means more than I can ever say
No hesitation

I hesitate
Wanting more
But stutter

Brush by you
Touch
I see him watching us

Circling each other
Wondering if maybe
Give in to passion

But there is a right way
And I need more than a few hours
With you

And I see him looking
His eyes like coals
Daggers into me
Do you see?

You belong to you
Keep his opinions to himself
I’ll not allow an insult

Slow steps
Make the dance
And perhaps a symphony

Or perhaps I hope for more than
More than can be given
But I know
Now

Not more than I deserve

Embrace as wounds close

Slip below the waves
Warm water washes away
Hands reach out
Catching before slipping
Further into peace
Long minutes of silence
The hush of soft breathing
You stretch out
Reaching both away
And back to touch
Eyes open to find you missing
Not empty
As if the scent of your heart
Lingers in my mouth
Acceptance
And the fresh scent
Of dawn

Deeply held games that are no such thing

There is pain in the things that are ignored
No rest for the unnoticed
Desires well fed by dreams
Forgotten upon waking
Always they come
Dreams and words
Wanting nothing more than that they stay
Instead dwindle
Grow distant
Declared you mine
You didn’t realize that outlined my obligations
Not yours
But I do wish
You’d say the same

Pep talk for the tired

I just want you
Just want talking in the morning and touches reassuring me that you’re real
Just want stupid jokes and silly songs
Just want Dominance and submission because I’m unwilling to sacrifice a part of my identity to conform and neither should you
Just want arguments. That’s right. Disagree with me. Let’s talk it through and come out stronger, or at least feeling OK about the compromise.
Just want talks about our days, the minutiae. It’s in the cracks that flowers bloom.
Just want passion. From sweet forehead kisses to romantic gestures to mind blowing creative sex and sensual play.
Just want all of you. The things you hide. The things you consider bad. The gross. The beautific. The highs and the lows. Everything. Everything.

You. Who are you? Maybe we know each other. Maybe it didn’t work out. Maybe I ruined everything. Maybe you did. Maybe we see each other but never think, yeah let’s see. Maybe we jumped too late or too soon. Maybe we have yet to meet. Maybe I don’t look like what you are looking for. Maybe I’m too blind to see.

But I am looking. Am hoping. Am wanting. I’m not waiting. I’m active. Find me. Look for me. I’m looking too.

It is all possible. Don’t give up hope. Don’t give up.