Sitting in silence
One last reminder
One last pretender
One last link to the frozen past
Marked in skin so deep
Its 7 years by 7 before it shows
Kiss me I’m yours
Give over to fire and passion
I’m looking for that sign
But all I hear is silence
The too loud voice of my own thoughts
Over and over
What silence really means
All while hoping that it doesn’t
I’m broke down tear streaked cold nosed sleep deprived humanity
In other words normal end of weekend depression
Having to go to work to earn that money to live another two weeks and spend enough to feel just a little bit in control of my pain addled life
Each day begging for an end only to stumble through my door and collapse into bed asleep
Waking up way too early
To roll the dice on forlorn hope
Fucked up that chance is the only solution that I can think of
Broken bone words splintered in forgiveness without the chance to heal
I’d give up I think
But I’d rather be if at all possible
In your arms
We are bent flower promises
Our light touches over skin
Hands soft but ridged in callouses
A legacy of past actions written in scar and stretch
Wrinkle and aches in joints
Broken bones which
Now healed still click
For all of this
Is our passion less for being out of focus
Beyond the lens of society
Is passion which knows itself
The more powerful
We who survive and still find each other despite the wounds of the past
Still open ourselves
Vulnerable and exposed
Is our love less
For having been born from a distant song
Is it strength to find a heart that’s bright and desirous
And in the knowing
We find beauty
And the circling of fingertips against skin
The brushing of lips against neck
The soft smile and the lascivious grin
And a hope
Born in the taste of her
For me, my day to day application of being a Sir is to aid those in my care. They aren’t my claimed submissive. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone who was that. And I do miss it.
But, still, the people in my care receive the watered down version. The guide instead of the commander. While both have their place, I only display the guide without prior explicit consent.
Sometimes that is enough. It has to be enough. Because there is no one clambering at my gates demanding to submit to me. And I’m without romantic relationship right now. I no longer play just to play. I find it empty. I need the care and connection to care. To take care of my submissives needs, even in play. Otherwise it’s just robotic going through the motions, push this button, get this response.
I have no use for that. I don’t feel connected when it’s just sex. For me, that’s not a thing. I am way too far into my head for that to matter. But seeing the delight, the fear, the pain, the pleasure of a partner? Of my good girl or boy? That is worth something. That has meaning. Everything else is just mechanics. And that is ever what I look for. Not just a play partner but a real partner. Nothing less is worth the pain.
Slip into desire
A breaking wave
A falling drop
Life disappears from the margins
Clawing into dreams
Holding onto purchase
That what may be in dreams may hold on
Long enough to be real
Knows roads closed
Still a heart says maybe
Fires of need break
All thought but….
All thought fled
Replaced by maybe
Maybe and please
Your hand in mine
Never to part
A foolish dream that can’t help but live
Knowing the contours of a heart
Hands Pressing into the maze of you
Broken mirror hopes
Each reflection another chance to lose you
Each chance I’d take
For those few whiles you are mine before the end
Fitted together too late
My heart waits eternal
Saying wake beside me
In my arms
All hope lost
I know, I know
I fail, I fail
There is no thought that doesn’t contain you
My heart so foolish
To love and love and love
That thin glass shard
Saying yes, yes this time
When we speak from a position of strength, we forget that not everyone has the same privilege. Without a calm place to stand, without stability, there is no safe place to strike out from. It is the most fundamental human need.
Safety and security is more than a good neighborhood or a job. It is the sure thought that tomorrow and for the foreseeable future, there will be enough to eat, there will be a home that does not itself contain dangers, and despite what problems may be thrown at us, we will have a support system of people and seeable graspable opportunities which insure our continued lives and futures.
Most of us don’t have that. At best we have 2 of the 3 and hope that in some far off unknowable future we will be able to start planning for more than today. Most of us won’t make it to that future.
We are stuck on a ferris wheel which we stepped onto, all naive and full of dreams, hoping and thinking that tomorrow will be better. And that’s the best case, many were forced into darker alleys and worse choices by main circumstances.
How do we make it out? As a people, as humanity, how do we stop breaking the hearts and minds of our people just to perpetuate systems which promote the continuous devolution to barbarism.
I don’t know. And it’s hard to think of how to do so. I’m not safe. And it’s only because my broken heart and mind won’t allow me to sleep, that I’m able to get out even these words. All the while, wracked by doubt and worry and fear, thinking about the morning. When it all starts up again.
On some level, I think we are all seeking for that person who will see us and accept us and know us bone deep and still wants to be a part of our lives. We all want to not be alone. And the people who seem to know this, are also the ones who have the hardest time finding someone.
It’s like consciously trying to swim. You paddle your feet, you cup your palms, you move your arms but still, you can’t seem to really swim. Because swimming is a physical, in your body, thing. And you can’t be one hundred percent in your body if you are thinking about how to move it.
And you can’t find that person who connects with you because it’s such a complex thing that you can’t set up a situation or plan a life that leads you there.
You can only be one hundred percent your self. And stop hiding. If you are hiding, you aren’t being.
And I’m aware that sounds like bullshit but give yourself a free pass to not be cynical. Not be practical. Give yourself a free pass to be free for just a minute.
The only thing you can do is be genuine. Let people see you.
I can’t promise you freedom from pain or that some of those people won’t hurt you, won’t use you.
I can only say that when the moment comes and you are hiding, it will be difficult for the person looking to see.
I hope to one day meet the person who this song will apply to. Someone who stays.