Living in the fire swamp

Too languid for hoping
Where silence and heartbeat meet
In anxious beating and eyes burning
Slow dance for dreaming
Soft kiss for wanting
All for the taking

But time presses on
Pulling and stumbling
For want of your touch
I’m drunken and slurring
Calls of oblivion
Sink

All decisions fled
In the blurring lines
Between having and missed chances
Between smiles and cut flower laughter
Between you
And I

We see with hearts wide open-3

Surrounded by hearts in mending
Gold seams in broken veins
Pain and pleasure in the taking
But gathered her gently
Woken him fiercely
And all of us joined
In laughter, in lust, in desire
And compromise
All truths spoken and laid bare
Emotions riding the air
Love seeking and binding
A hope everlasting

Much as I rail against it…

I have hope.
I’ve actually been very lucky this last year. I’ve had some amazing opportunities and, though they didn’t work out, they have made me realize that I am someone who others value and want to spend time with. I’ve spent a good portion of my life feeling like a failure. That by my failure to see the future, I don’t deserve to have a future. It’s been a long road from that to now. And I’m really a better person for that journey. I’ve learned how to work through and cope with major heartbreak. I have found love for some and with some amazing people who I hope will be in my life as I journey forward. I’m still looking for my romantic partner or partners and know that there is a chance when I thought it would never be possible.

Slow motion fall

There is a euphoria to posting something that is both personal and fundamentally true. It carries you for a time. Like walking after setting down a great weight you’ve been holding on to. And just like that, it wears off. Pretty soon, you feel like yourself again.

It may be this time of year. I just can’t seem to reach back beyond that night. I try to think of the night we met or any of the hundreds of other moments that we were happy in. But it all just morphs into me holding her. Waiting for the doctor to arrive. Her shallow breathing.

I feel empty. For the last few years I’ve been, at least, talking to someone romantically. That takes the edge off. Like there is hope. But this year, it’s all just ashes.

I find myself crying. And have for months now. I can’t seem to get out of this. Mostly, in the day, I’m OK. But night brings the silence and I can’t handle it.

Candy and Absinthe

Spread my wings out
To fly
But they
Are made of bones

Just fighting
To stay alive
Just tired
Of being
Alone

Stretch my hand
Out to the sky
I know you’re
Worth the fight

Kiss me
I’m falling
Catch me
I’m losing my mind

One touch and
I’m home
So tired
Of being alone

But you’re here
You’re real
These things that
I feel

These doubts that
Beat
In my chest
False prophets
Caged in regret

But you’re here now
You’re real
Wake me, from this dream

Kiss me
I am clean

Fahrenheit vs Celsius

This flow
This flawless drift
A musicless melody
Notes straining at the edge of their tethers
A glance that speaks the world
A touch set quake
Foundation laid bare

This edifice
This flawless failure
A baseless memory
Images flicker past dissolving into pigment
A hope that knows better
A taste forbidden, yearning
Words that drift and find no ear to hear