I find myself happy
Though no delirious thing
No cracked grin
Manic and fading
No simple contentment
Though perhaps contentment has been so far away that I wouldn’t recognize it
I find joy in the simpleness of being
The hush of night
The sounds of the heater
The far to silent room
Because the truth is that my happy has a hole in it
And it’s only that space of lack
Which informs the rest
Post solstice blues
The reassertion of normal
Where people don’t even give lip service to good and just
Promises to others forgotten
As needs long sated but evergrasping
If only for a few hours
I would walk through fire to make sure a friend was ok.
That’s a thought I had the other night. And it’s true.
I’ve endangered long term friendships to make sure they had information that I couldn’t keep silent about. Information that I wasn’t sure was true, but which, if true, could have devastating consequences.
So knowing that I was about to lose everything. I told them anyway. Saying that I was afraid but that I felt that they needed to know.
I don’t have many friends. At most I can count them on two hands. Probably on one. But I would fight a war to the knife on their behalf.
Perhaps because I live by a code. A simple and perhaps harsh one. Perhaps because I value them more than I value myself. The latter thought hurts the most. So it’s probably more true than not.
I don’t have a point here. Just that there are still things about myself that feel painful. That bring tears and silent screams.
So, I need to listen and be honest and keep writing. I may be better, more whole than I’ve ever been. But still, there is more. And I need to remember that.
I’ve crawled out of a deep well of blank
Blank walls and blank stares
Just an endless nothing
Palisades I built looking to hide from all the pain I couldn’t face
And even those walls weren’t enough
I locked my self down the deepest well
In the darkest parts of my mind
I thought it would be easier to just not feel for awhile
I guess when you’re gushing hearts blood and you’re so completely lost in a world that can’t understand what you are feeling
You don’t make the best decisions
That pain just built behind those walls
That tsunami waiting to destroy me
So I hid
Of course I hid
So deep that feeling even pain was blunted
But it couldn’t last
I couldn’t last
Eventually, I couldn’t feel anything
So I threw open the doors
Climbed out of that well filled with pain cored through the very center of my being
And I immediately drowned
That pain crushed me
Beat me against the battlements
Slammed me against the walls
Those soundless screams which wracked my body
Which, even now whisper, broke from my throat
That was the journey which brings me to mild depression and poems which feel empty
Without that cut down mewling pain
It only took ten years.
Maybe in another ten, I’ll be able to write that same joy I feel, on occasional morning
Like I wrote in blood
In the beginning
Soft light makes soft sounds
Chill on the silence
Too tired to move
Too much effort in slow blinking
One last day in the sun
Before one leg falls
Starting that inevitable trip
Out of a loving embrace
And into the heat of an uncaring sun
One should never wait for love.
It seems stupid to even say but we wait to say it. We wait for some sure sign that we feel it. We wait to see if they feel it too.
We wait. And we push it away because outside things say that its not the right time.
If it’s inside things. If you are working on yourself. To get yourself well; then fair enough.
But external things?
Don’t wait. Love is as much an act of faith as it is a feeling. Tell them how you feel without expectation.
You’re feelings are yours. Not a burden for them to carry. But, true freedom is honest. And being honest even when you are scared is better than the alternative.
And it’s better to know. If they run or the relationship ends, then at least you know. And maybe the person you love next will be in the same place as you.
But you can’t know unless you say something.
Love is the truest thing we have.
Don’t run from it.
As I get older the holidays feel less holiday and more burden. I’ll be the first to say that my view may be skewed as my particular holiday is skewed.
For most that celebrate Winter Solstice, it’s a time of joy. For me, its a time of quiet reflection.
But I still participate in most of the secular traditions and there is where it becomes nonfun.
Gift giving was more fun when I didn’t have responsibilities beyond basic ones. I could afford to be generous because there was no downside to my doing so. I remember being crazy happy to give all kinds of gifts to every person I cared for. Now, for most, its a social obligation rather than a joy.
And when there is a gift exchange, I mostly feel like we’re shuffling money around. We spend roughly the same amount. We could just as easily bought those things for ourselves, without the forced social contract.
Maybe if my friends would/could gather I’d feel different. But mostly the only thing the holiday gives is a few days which are mostly quiet.
I’m not a grinch. I just don’t see the point as time passes and belts get tighter and tighter.
Anyway, if the holidays mean something to you, then I hope that whatever positive feelings you get from them are present and whatever meh or negative feelings are minimized.
The gods know that we could use a break
We exist on the shores of love
Waiting to drink deeply
Sometimes wandering away
Lost and without purpose
Lonely in the way that only those who have truly known love can be lonely
Lost without hope
Having first known its touch
We build homes
Drinking slight or deep
Always knowing that someday
Whatever we do
However we try
Love will leave
We will be alone
That silence which weighs so heavy
Sometimes it’s too much
And we pass
Sometimes we heal from its lack
But always on the shore
Looking past the cold horizon
Footsteps that bring you home
Water slams down headless the end
Hitting the unyielding ground it bounces
The mist rises
Riding through valleys at breakneck speeds
Calm dropping like a warm cloak
That settled feeling
From long ago
One wrong choice from death
Alive unlike long since
A goal in mind
A destination set
And come hells or fury
Arrival is gaurenteed
No thin desire for adrenaline
Just the calm mantle of chaos
And the sure steps one takes
When every move is familiar
Drained meaning, life sleeping