The sky weeps for the passing of beauty
Ripped from this world by terror
Asleep in the belief of safety
Content
But waking in pain
In fear
Looking into the face of one’s god
Pleading for succor
But there are limits on us all
And so we weep
And the brothers who hunt the land eternal
Rage as sight is blurred and torn from us
Stand vigil in the windswept madness
Of a pain
Neverending
Month: November 2019
A moment quiet enough to kiss
Small sounds escape lips
Tongue dips and dashes
Dance behind closed eyes
That first devouring of you
Our uncertain touch
Becoming more real
As seconds pass without air
But with the mana of your flesh
A sacred union of love made physical
Joined in joy
In desire
In safety
In calm water truths
Not of perfection
But of seeking to know
In caress and sigh
In halted steps and hesitant words
The loudness of your breath against me
The fast beat of our hearts
And the surety
Of being seen
And found
Holidays are approaching
I’ve stayed up way too late doing nothing in particular. Watching strange shows from Brazil with great English voice dubbing. Looking at my phone wanting to feel connected…
Then it flashes me the battery warning and I think, “probably time to go to bed.” My cats asleep in the middle of my bed and I’ll displace her so instead I remember I need to write a post for tomorrow.
This week is Thanksgiving in the USA. Another holiday that has its roots in blood. As if all holidays aren’t problematic icons embodied in a yearly ritual to enshrine the victory of one group over another. I mean it’s hypocritical to teach that it’s about some historical togetherness and all but I question whether or not that actually matters. Knowing the truth about history is a good thing and it can help avoid past mistakes in favor of all new atrocities.
But being mad about a holiday seems pointless. Get together and change it if you need to. Change the name and people’s cultural relationship to it. But mostly, it’s an excuse.
That correct. All holidays are an excuse. Mostly it’s to take a day off. For those lucky enough to be able to afford it. And even for those who can’t, its the opportunity to say fuck it, I’m taking this time for myself. For my family, if you’re into that kind straight laced social structure. It’s a way to be irresponsible in a state sanctioned corporate sponsored commercially acceptable way.
And it’s a time to say hi to that cousin you only vaguely remember. To try to restrain yourself, or maybe this is just me, from getting into sociopolitical arguments with people capable of only spouting talking points and appeals to authority. (Headline-If you are making an appeal to authority without data to back it up, you’ve already lost the argument.) And eat food you wouldn’t normally eat.
Some people, mythically to my mind, get to hang out with friends and have fun. I’ve never seen it, except on Single person Christmas, aka Halloween, and even then that a socially awkward sexually charged powder keg. It’s one overly fruity mixed drink away from making a pass at your married boss with his wife right there. Or laughing at someone’s use of fetish gear as costume and demonstrating proper flogger technique in front of people you know are friends of friends who will spread that like wildfire.
Not that this is a bad thing, I just don’t like awkward conversations about what drunk, no filter me, said when I am sober slight filter me.
Maybe I’m just not who these Holidays are aimed at. I know there are people who love this stuff. Love the gossip about nothing and the skirting of taboo topics at least until someone says grace.
Another thing I don’t do. I’m fairly certain my lip service Christian family would neither take a blessing from my faith nor would my faith be likely to bestow blessings. Honestly, if asked for a blessing, I think the proper response would be something like, “The choices we make have consequences. Whether those consequences are good or bad depends on where you are standing when they occur. This means that whether we act or not, either is a choice. Make sure you make your choices wherever possible. Don’t allow your choices to make you.”
But there is no appeal to a higher authority which seems to be the point of prayer.
So maybe I just don’t get it. Or maybe I do. But in any case, Holidays are meant for people to pause and see. To look around in the frenetic drawn out scream, and maybe, for once, listen.
But what do I know? I’m just a man who needs to move his cat, so he can go to sleep.
The flensing knife turns inward
I’ve been creatively burnt out for the last few weeks. It’s not entirely anything to do with the big things like work or relationships. It’s the little things that I have let eat away at my free time. Leaving me with no time to sit and be. No time to experience the world as time slips away.
Being so busy that any time…and here I have to stop and redirect because work crept in. Because it’s gotten to be insidious. It slips into any crack which if I turn it off, it becomes that I was unreachable and that is the issue.
Which is why I am writing this at 4am.
In alot of ways work is better, my relationship is better but my friendships and my writing and my actual life seems to have all suffered.
I have never been one to strike a balance. I throw myself completely into things. And that passion sees me through but it also breaks me.
It’s the inevitable, inexorable schism between what is needful and what is best. And much as I thrive in the situation where the world is burning and every action I make can turn the rudder, eventually…the boat sinks and the drowning begins.
And I am oh so weary of dying by inches in that way.
Something has to happen. And I don’t know if I have the mental fortitude to make the life choices required.
It seems like I was so much happier when I was a villain. But maybe it was just that I was young and didn’t see the terminus. The inevitability of less ahead than behind.
Too close is not close enough
Thunder crashes down
Herald of the torrent
Wash me away
As long as it’s to you
The agony of without
Tearing
Thread by thread
One more failed attempt
To get to you
One more broken footprint
Bruised
Aching
And resolute
Nightmares are also dreams Part 40-Interlude
The room looks like any other office meeting room. Faux wood table, large monitor on the wall for presentation or telepresence, an untouched carafe of water in the center.
Perfectly normal except for the men who sit around the table. They discuss the business human trafficking without remorse or emotion. Its just units acquired. Where they are trained, quality of product, profits from sales and new markets.
It is the economics of evil. Discussed as calmly as and quarterly earnings meeting is.
A chiseled jaw classically good looking man looks up and interrupts the well-worn flow of figures and growth.
“If I may interject?” He asks.
A salt and pepper faded copy of the man looks up and states, “The chair acknowledges the Head of Procurement.”
The young looking man pulls out a sheet of paper from the stack next to him. A prop really as he’s memorized what he needs to say.
“The central hub of procurement for the southwest sector has gone dark. We heard an initial report that there was trouble but the window for the follow on report is late. We sent a team to investigate and have heard from a few of the procurers through that channel that there was a possible takeover initiated. They think that we will have to negotiate with a new consortium shortly.”
The board members look nonplussed until the Head of Finance grins and says, “Maybe this is a opportunity to argue more favorable terms. This outfit sounds professional, which is a good thing. The southwest team was always so vulgar.”
The rest of the board smiles and shakes their heads. Business as usual then.
There is a sharp knock on the conference room door and a scared dough faced young man enters, “Sirs, there is a package here. It is in a cold box and marked perishable.”
The businessmen get up and file out, ready to take a look at this gift. Maybe it’s lobster. Or caviar, the Russian consortium has been trying to make nice….
The box is a 5 ft cubed metal box with a handprint reader on the side.
The young man nervously says to the elder gentleman, “Sir, it says that your handprint will open it.”
The man looks around, clearly suspecting one of them of currying favor. Smiling he places his hand on the panel. There is a brief moment then lid lifts with a soft hiss of escaping air and chill.
The lid is mounted on an arm and it slides easily to the side leaving the interior of frost and 1 ft^3 wooden boxes which fills the it. 80 boxes in total with the remainder of the space taken up by frost and electronics. On top sits a bulging stuffed manilla envelope. The procurement head grabs the envelope and opens it. One of the other men takes the included pry bar and swearing about the cold, opens one of the boxes.
The young man says “Listen to this. It says that this is a order of evacuation. That we are to cease and desist all activity within the southwest area and that we have 48 hours to wrap up all non trafficking related business before other sanctions will be met out.” The young man is smiling at the audacity and looks up, wondering what has the board so silent.
The men are clustered around the crate and are peering inside.
The procurement head looks over and sees what’s inside….it’s heads. The chopped off stumps of the consortium…some of them show signs of torture.
The elder statesmen of the group looks up. The shock bleeds to cold rage. He says, “Gentlemen, it would seem we are at war.”
Split screen reality
I see you in my minds eye
That knowing smile
The deep glimmer of pain and yearning
I see you
Knowing every inch of your heart
At least the surface
Longing to plunge deeper
To claim every millimeter
And in my exposure
Be claimed
As all that we are is laid bare
Hidden eyes waiting with a ready flinch
For the rejection of a misplaced word
Walls break the sound barrier as they clash into place
We stand
Opposite
Hands pressed deeply
Waiting for the wall to drop
Held up by the pressure of our longing
Whispered words shouted
I love you
Echoing out
The attempt to show
Not tell
All these hours away from you
All I have is my words
Hoping each tear shaped drop is enough
Hoping each action proves my constancy
Hoping in my bent back
Smiling lonely
Looking for the path that brings
Me to
Us
Gold patterns in porcelain bowls
Eyes burning with weariness
Heavy they close
A heart soars free
Painful aches flee
Looking for the warmth of you
A choice
Again and again
Building as a droplet in snow
Becomes the mountain
Becomes the inexorable
Unstoppable
In my love of you
Mine
My choice
A coloring book is not connect the dots
It’s hard to think beyond the next step
The next sleep
The next day
I’ve somehow lost those moments of space
Those silent minutes which roared and shook so loudly
Only time to spare a small smile at the croak of bird
To fawn all over a cat
Or wave like a maniac to a dog in the window
All just gestures of echoed love
Reflecting back to you
The night wears a heartbeat of silence
The only joys are those we seize for ourselves
Those bare moments where you describe your day to a person you love
That dream that haunts you
Of walking in a arboreal garden
And seeing your person’s face light up with your
Mere
Presence
A minute for yourself
Alone in the ache of love
And distance
The first perfect bite which explodes so flavorful and tempting
The words unspoken
The ones that pierce
A desperate frissioned ragged edge
Tears unshed
And a song that makes you dance
Life spinning and time fleeing
Too many obligations
Not enough you