Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken

Confusion is a base state

I almost wish that my emotions didn’t run so hot.
That they didn’t rush like tsunami. Seemingly dry and nonexistent as the waters pull back, until they rush forward, overwhelming my heart. It seems like I only find those unavailable to me as people who make my heart burst like fire. But it’s not true. It’s just that those who are unavailable are often the only ones who show any interest in me. At least in a way that I recognize as interest. I can be obtuse in this regard.

I don’t know. I dislike not knowing. I love to know everything. How else will I see true if I cannot see all?

I wish I knew. Whatever paths led where. Even in general. Because I can’t trust my judgment. My judgment leads me to love and to breaking.

You know…I didn’t pick Morgan. She picked me.
It makes me wonder. Because every time I trust my judgment, while they don’t destroy me in harder ways, I’m still devastated. When it ends. When it fails.

I don’t know the way forward.

Silent

Every day
I’m just so tired
Falling asleep in my chair
My mind drifts to the past
To all that I had in brief months of happy
I can’t go to far
There is a chasm of unfathomable darkness
But back a few years
Each joy
Each I love you
Each fail
This accumulation
I’m so tired
Most days I have nothing left
How am I going to find you
When all I can do without tears is sleep
Losing her didn’t break me
Life after recovery from her loss
Did

Pains recede as hope blooms

Lilies unfold
Dark and cold in still earth
Barren ground
Yet they push up through surface
Crumbling hard packed dirt
Bursting to bloom
See me see me
Tears black with blood
Weep broken onto dying ground
Dying already
They are snipped
Taken
Starving they drink thinly
Mistaking it for life
They bloom anew
Played false
Beauty dies
Only blood
And tears
Remain

Silly tears

I hate feeling sad about things I can’t change. It seems a waste of pain to spend it wondering on what could have been. To spend precious time wallowing and crying. Yet, some nights my mind wanders to those who were but never was. Who said yes, but never touched. It’s impossible to know what could have been and yet my heart dwells on what was in the futile hope of discerning meaning. And in discerning meaning perhaps find a way back there. It’s a foolish heart I have. To hold onto love after the storm of it is past. But perhaps being this foolish person is just who I am. Perhaps, I have never learned to go lightly, and perhaps that’s ok. But it still hurts. I remember them. I remember what I felt. And what I still feel. Me and my foolish heart.

I give you my word

Too late to say all the things
Can’t get to you in this night hour
Can’t talk unless you check your messages
Just shouting into the ether

I can’t walk up and have a conversation
You are nineteen hours away
This talk over message
Like thin gruel
To spending time and letting it come naturally

Finding excuses to have a conversation
Finding cat videos so you can say how cute
Eyes full of hearts emoii
That used to be for me

And I pretend that you mean it for me
That I’ve given you the excuse to say how you feel
But there’s a world of difference between there and here
And I’m fading away
Lost in the silence of what we had

And the tinny reverb that we have now
Painful shadows of what was

Waiting for the dawn

I’m no thief of dreams

I have
In arms encircled
In promises bled
Known passion
Known love

Each time blue flame
Burns higher and higher
Each time, snuffed out

This jealousy of possession
Why allow it when
Love multiplies

Those who are free
Give freely
Those who are otherwise
I cannot take what is not given

Your only cause to fear
Look internal
I refuse to be the cause of love breaking

But I will, pick up my friend
Hold them cradled in my love
And whatever will be
Will be

Depression is a liar, you are worth more than this

What shadows have wrought can be
Weaved into strength
What pain has bought can be
Turned into beauty
What despair crumbles away
Can be rebuilt

We are none of us so bound by circumstances that we are shackled to what we have now
There are always choices
Hard choices mayhaps
Terrible choices
But always there is a chance
And if help is required or merely desired
Look to those who love you
Who will sacrifice for your joy

Let who you are free into the light

I hate keeping secrets. Even lies by omission hurt.

I spent a portion of my youth on secrets. On lies. It almost killed me. It came close. At the end, all I had was money, scars, and grey hair. The money is gone. The scars are mostly faded. The grey hair stayed. And a deep abiding pain that accompanies lies.

I spent years clawing out of various closets. Sexuality, society, BDSM. And at the end of it, I found peace.

But still people want me to hide. To be discreet. To say it’s no one’s business but ours.

But let me tell you. It may be no one’s business but ours, but it’s on them to turn their heads. Hiding is lying. Discretion is fine, but it should not stop a kiss or a hug or holding hands. If it does then that’s fear.

Just because I can hide or lie; Because I practiced for years, doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I loathe it.

I understand why hiding may be necessary. If life or liberty is on the line. But if not? It’s not worth the cost.

And sometimes, even life and liberty are not enough. We should be who we are. Shout it from the rooftops. And to those that would silence us, let them reap the consequences. Let them fear.

I said I didn’t like lying. I didn’t say I’d forgotten my past.

Because they love you

Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them

Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions

Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole

Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work

Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty

Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right