Thought before bed

I have this reoccurring feeling that I sleep with someone in my arms. Their head resting on my chest, hearing the beating of my heart. We’re home. Together. We are each other’s home. 

Maybe it’s just a dream. Maybe it’s something else. It’s one of the few things that comfort my sad heart. I hope, if they are real, it comforts them too. 

Valentine’s day 14 – Sara’s voice

I would have told Pel it was too soon had he bothered to ask me. I don’t disapprove and we had discussed it but I didn’t think he would be this rash. But of course he would.

I don’t know why I thought this time it’d be different. He takes awhile to work himself up to something but once he does, he commits to it fully. And there was never a stupidly romantic gesture that he could ever pass up.

Collared and married on the same day makes for a great story but Tara had to be overwhelmed. After we assured her that we both wanted this, she settled down. However, her nature is skittish as a colt.

Pel doesn’t realize that she is a true submissive. I’m sub behind the bedroom door. I am a proud pain slut but our 24/7 is all scene oriented. Tara needs to please her master and surprises throw her off. She’s thinking, what did she miss, what mistake did I make.

Pel knows about her abuse. He knows how to help her through that. How to treat her but he’s never had a true 24/7 Submissive. He’s lucky I’m here to help him. Cause he’d be at a loss. She’s sitting on his lap listening to him tell her a story. I imagine it’s something lascivious. And I hear the soft tinkle of her giggle.

I look over and see Pel looking at me. Knowingly, like he’s reading a book of my thoughts. He smiles and say “It’ll be OK, my brightest day.”

How does he fucking do that!
I reply, “Yes, my darkest night.” As protocol demands. Damn the man, he’s infuriating.
And he’s mine, mine, mine, I think as the grin breaks across my face.

The speaker is someone new. Tall and swarthy, kinda smarmy. Dark and cute but slimy. I don’t think he belongs here. We are protocol oriented and safety conscious.

Practically speaking, I think Pel uses this group to Vet potential masters before releasing them out into the wild. Tara’s former master is not abnormal. This lifestyle draws predators like flies to watermelon. I don’t think Pel appreciates their “interference” as he calls it.

He’s so feudal minded. He considers his territory to be inviolate and anyone that threatens that he removes. If I didn’t know that he took protecting us so seriously, that he did it from a place of love and trust, I’d think him a specialized serial killer. Looking for prey. But the community IS better for it. In a real way, our community needs policing as much as any society.

What I want more than anything

What I want more than anything is you.
Have we met?
Am I waiting for you or you for me?
If you know, tell me. I dislike waiting.
I’m looking but not looking.
Not seeking but open.
Not persuing, except in dreams, and how to tell one dream from reality.
I can feel you in the world or is that my heart beating, resonating to a frequency you feel as shivers down your spine?
Have we spoken and I or you said something in our head which, if said aloud would have made all the difference?
Is it better to speak as if there is no tomorrow that matters excepting those seconds that pass while in your heart?
This eyeless sense of love moves me like a blind cave fish seeking warmth.
Or am I merely deluded, and is the delusion that love exists and waits for a word mere delusion or a hope?
And is a hope better than the truth of lonely nights?

What do you say…

What do you say when all the words have been said
When the sound of your footsteps walking away seem to echo

What do you say when you are still hopeless, still deeply, deliciously, precariously, in love.

When you tell them every day but only in your head because they are gone but in a maybe temporary way and your heart can’t let go.

What do you say?

Love is a conundrum, a puzzle I can’t solve, a path you cannot walk alone.

Are you so present in my head because of my feelings? Is it metaphysical and our tie is feeding back to me your feelings? Are we just fools? Me for loving, you for silence?

Or am I only allowing the deep river of my feelings to cloud what is real?

Love is a savage thing that cannot let me go

How many times can I say I love you only to be met by silence?
Is it the words you don’t want to hear or is it the emotions?
Do you believe that I must be lying?
Do you believe that telling me that you won’t ever feel that way will make me leave?
I know you don’t feel that way for me.
I can’t help how I feel.
I’ve tried destroying it.
Tried suppressing it.
Tried drowning it.
But it’s always there.
And, even if you told me that you hated me, that you never wanted to talk to me, never see me, never, never never…
I would be silent. Would never contact you, never be there. Because I respect you. But if you need me, you can say and I’ll be hurt. But I’ll help. Because I can’t stop loving.
It’s my fatal flaw.

Of course, if I’m with the person who loves me as I love them. All you’ll receive is my aid, my advice. Just because I can’t stop loving does not mean I’d ever hurt a person who I love for you.

My heart is a fool, my soul dances to his tune, and my mind imposes what order it can.

When I love

When I love
it burns as molten salt
tracing it’s way through veins and capillaries
bursting from my hands and tongue and eyes
a torrents rush of passion blazing
shattering incandescent
I pour myself into you expecting to be met
to cavort with similar passion
instead find hollow tubes or cool waters
that swallow all that I am
give nothing back
until empty
confused and broken
I am discarded

A lovers promise

I can inflict upon you such pleasure that lines begin to blur and only your desires dictate which is pain and which is pleasure.
I can make your mind tremble with anticipation of my touch.
With trepidation and luscious full lips.
I can show you a world where only your limits contain you.
Where nothing is forbidden.
Where all pains become pleasures and all sensation serves its truest purpose.
Give me your hand and I will make you mine.
And becoming mine know safety and sin.

Keep me on repeat

I’m a broken record
I’m falling in love with you, love with you, love with you
I’m skipping out of the best parts
Cause all I see is you, all I see is you all I see is you

I just want this one to last
But I can’t stop my heart from thinking
Can’t stop my heart from thinking
Can’t stop my heart from thinking
About falling in love with you, you, you

I’m just a broken record
Singing to the night
Just a broken record
Singing for the light
Just a broken record
I’ll never be alright

I’m falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
And I cannot sleep at night
Just hold me until it’s right, until it’s right, until it’s right

I’m just a broken record
Stop the needle before I’m done
I’m just a broken record
I know I’m not the one

But I just can’t help
Just can’t help
Just can’t help

Falling in love with you

Hearts still foolish, even as they break

There’s a part of me that will always yearn for you
though I know you don’t think of me
a part that always wonders what if
though I’m not who you want to see
a part that spins the possibility
though you’re already walking away
a part made of hopes and memories
though it was never me in your eyes

A madness, a sharpness, a bitter kiss

Loved hard, loved true, loved only

Sitting on a bench at the edge of the road
In the last light of sunset

Wistful saline river

Something in me feels broken
Like some sensor is flawed
I keep seeing you
In every aspect of my life
But past is passed
And I’m looking for the new dawn
But instead only this unrelenting light pours down
Illumination pinning me
A butterfly trapped to a board
I reach but I falter
Strength departs
And only plans make way
Light fading
No moment of transition
Only an end
Unwanted