The all too familiar chill of silence

This grey world
of maybes and waiting
Torn apart
silences and half said hesitation
Stretched out fingers
Fighting inclination
The touch of you
wakes the need
for more of you
Sound of your drawl
igniting long quiet desires

The quiet seeps in
Settling in between bones
In the interstices
Pockets of too heavy air
Robbing voice with grief

Hold you close
make heart known
See you in all the hidden places
Know and accept
I want you still
I want you always
I love the all of you

Candy crinkle bonfire stirs once cold heart

Somber reflection lingers too long
Trailing fingers slender with longing
Through water caught twixt one breathe and the next
Yawn thoughtfully
Pondering skin
Watching in wakeful yearn
Steps distant that still
Too far
Hands move forward toward
But stop ere flesh yields to simple caress
No time like the present
Only place all wrong
…in heart flutter deep resonance
…”With you, all places are right.”
And only conviction keeps
To furtive looks
Soft smiles
With bedroom eyes
see the sleep but not the flame beneath
But I
And you
Know
We but look for a place to burn

The Sky crys the tears I am unable to

To justify my love
having been told so often that it can’t be
that it’s too soon
I find myself in a constant war of justification where I say “I love you…”
waiting for the rejection
waiting for the no
waiting for the hesitation that says your love is scary
and I say
in that forced brittle cheer of the beaten
and all flinches “…but I love everybody.”
which is sorta true
I love all the people I love and have ever loved
but I diminish my words
scrunch down to make them fit
this too small container of what is acceptable
I’m the broken one for my love
I’m the tragic fool for my open heart
it’s always too soon
until it’s too late

Little stories for big truths

She looked at me, eyes filled with tears and bravery
She looked at me and said, “Things have felt wrong my whole life.”
She looked at me and said, “I’m they. And gender fluid.”
They looked at me. Imploring my understanding as my face stood blank and brow furrowed in puzzlement.
I said, confused and obvious, bold and unyielding “I love you. You. You have told me something important. Something that makes you more you. The only thing that’s changed in my heart is that it’s lighter. Knowing that you will be happier.”

Uncertain steps, face upraised to a storm swollen sky

There is a dance that rages through my bloodstream
Demanding steps be taken
Demanding music and light
Demanding quiet whispers and moans

It filters through my skin
Permeates every cell
Binding closer and close

Passion reminding us to live
To risk all
For each turn of the wheel
Each shift of night into day
Leaves behind bones stripped bare
All meaning carried along in pockets grown swollen

And still
Buried in the choices we’ve stuffed ourselves full on
Crappy breadsticks before the meal
The song calls

Discard the knives buried in flesh
The Flashfire and freeze
Remember but be light
Remember
And still brave the waters

And dance
Whole and broken
Joyous and bleakly
Dance
In grace and stumbles
But always
Always
In my embrace

Waking from a dream in hopes of finding reality

The buzzing empty of a too full cup
No room for words spilled out in lemon frosted sweet nor deep bitter coffee
Diaphanous ponder lips kissed through with the shattered dream of a storm looking for a friend
Deep sadness pulls deeper into a heart bottomed out
Her head on my shoulder
A memory pulling upward against the weight of the spin
mine in a way that makes surface tension hold all together
Quiver and waiting to burst
Hard to know what words to say
When I’d say them all
Starburst bright
Liminal state of a collapsing star
Hand clasped in mine
And lips pressed softly to palm

Cross bent lovers

Love is not a thing I know how to make
It flows from me, encases like a cocoon
Hardened shell waiting for going slow
To become now
Until burst forth as chrysalis shatters
Though, truth be told, not much visible change had occurred
Rather rewrite the inside of my brain
No longer drowning in depression
Brain still sad
Eyes still crying at times
But not looking for a way out in the explosion of brain and teeth
Not looking to jump into the sharks mouth for one last thrill before the bite
Reworked change but of the heart and mind

And what may seem at odds
every body responds to different triggers
It’s easy to wallow in the flowers of touch bloomed ecstasy
But more, to discover each nerve, each pressure
To make of us a discovery
Revealing beauty
Exposing us bare

Break the world

Love is an emergence
Not a fall
A discovery of heart and connection
A wiping away of the scales
The pretense of separation to see the whole
Love is a tapestry woven complete
Without interruption
Not touching all souls but touching many
The faint echos and plucked chord melodies
Love emerges from silence
From noise
Demands to be known
And though pain may follow close on its heals
The truth is
All revelation has a price
And just as a cost is paid
May a lesson be learned

Hangs heavy the heart

This is the 13th anniversary of Morgan’s death.
I’m reliving those minutes. Those mistakes. In full acceptance. I failed her in a way that I won’t fail again. So I seem like I’m cautious. Making sure we are on the same page. Reiterating thoughts to garner agreement and clarification. A friend of mine said that’s just what a Sir does. Perhaps she’s right. But I think that I must admit that this more than anything is what shaped me. Not just her death. Her murder. But also her life. Her love.

Because of her, I have bedrock proof that love is real. I know that relationships are hard. That letting things go causes damage. That failing to fight for your desires is a mistake. I know that losing someone never goes away. That you don’t heal. Instead you grow around the pain. Grow beyond it. And so appear sound. But the wound is always there.

I thought when I came out of the depression. The bleakness. When I could again feel. I thought that I was healthy. But those were first steps. And really, I won’t ever be whole. No one is. Being whole is being stagnant. Unchanging.

It’s not that I’m hopeful. It’s that I don’t want to fail to live in the love that she showed me was real. How could I dishonor her by failing to see the people around me, See their beauty, Foster their light and darkness?

I take this time. This day. To remember her.
To lament all that was lost.
To realize all that I’ve become.
From this frozen moment, I’d erase if I could.
This bloody seed crystal of the man I am.
Of the person I become tomorrow

A Sir desires

The touch of your skin is a translation of affection expressed through the medium of nerve endings
Endeavoring to awaken in you a fire which cannot be quenched
To know with a glance
Sure hands over soft skin
Eager lips made slow
Pressing lips like vise over artery
Tasting jumping pulse
Struggling to gasp breathe to synapse
Breathe deeply in ragged flame
Gifts given
Ignite fires
Kindled deep in bones
Leather and pulse pain
Bruises marking mine
Say ready
Say more
Say yes
I would have you in all the ways of imagining
Of experience and of desire
Not once, not twice
Until yield and sleep
But waking
Join in grip of heart
Allow me to wake your fire
Consume me as I consume you
Taking nothing for granted
Allow passion to rewrite your stars