I give you my word

Too late to say all the things
Can’t get to you in this night hour
Can’t talk unless you check your messages
Just shouting into the ether

I can’t walk up and have a conversation
You are nineteen hours away
This talk over message
Like thin gruel
To spending time and letting it come naturally

Finding excuses to have a conversation
Finding cat videos so you can say how cute
Eyes full of hearts emoii
That used to be for me

And I pretend that you mean it for me
That I’ve given you the excuse to say how you feel
But there’s a world of difference between there and here
And I’m fading away
Lost in the silence of what we had

And the tinny reverb that we have now
Painful shadows of what was

Waiting for the dawn

I’m no thief of dreams

I have
In arms encircled
In promises bled
Known passion
Known love

Each time blue flame
Burns higher and higher
Each time, snuffed out

This jealousy of possession
Why allow it when
Love multiplies

Those who are free
Give freely
Those who are otherwise
I cannot take what is not given

Your only cause to fear
Look internal
I refuse to be the cause of love breaking

But I will, pick up my friend
Hold them cradled in my love
And whatever will be
Will be

Depression is a liar, you are worth more than this

What shadows have wrought can be
Weaved into strength
What pain has bought can be
Turned into beauty
What despair crumbles away
Can be rebuilt

We are none of us so bound by circumstances that we are shackled to what we have now
There are always choices
Hard choices mayhaps
Terrible choices
But always there is a chance
And if help is required or merely desired
Look to those who love you
Who will sacrifice for your joy

Let who you are free into the light

I hate keeping secrets. Even lies by omission hurt.

I spent a portion of my youth on secrets. On lies. It almost killed me. It came close. At the end, all I had was money, scars, and grey hair. The money is gone. The scars are mostly faded. The grey hair stayed. And a deep abiding pain that accompanies lies.

I spent years clawing out of various closets. Sexuality, society, BDSM. And at the end of it, I found peace.

But still people want me to hide. To be discreet. To say it’s no one’s business but ours.

But let me tell you. It may be no one’s business but ours, but it’s on them to turn their heads. Hiding is lying. Discretion is fine, but it should not stop a kiss or a hug or holding hands. If it does then that’s fear.

Just because I can hide or lie; Because I practiced for years, doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I loathe it.

I understand why hiding may be necessary. If life or liberty is on the line. But if not? It’s not worth the cost.

And sometimes, even life and liberty are not enough. We should be who we are. Shout it from the rooftops. And to those that would silence us, let them reap the consequences. Let them fear.

I said I didn’t like lying. I didn’t say I’d forgotten my past.

Because they love you

Because they love you does not grant you the right to be a dick
You don’t get to lie about the things in your head that may come bursting out at inopportune times
You don’t get to foist your debts and obligations onto them

Because they love you is not a reason to take their presence for granted
You do not get to be silent while they howl for understanding
You do not get to be chit chat normal while their eyes beg for solutions

Because they love you is not a reason to take your pleasures without giving back theirs. (consent being given)
You do not get to eat their meals, prepped and prepared with loving hands, while you make them pay for your insecurities
You do not get to make love to them while holding back all the things they need to feel whole

Because they love you is no reason to take and take.
To threaten your own dissolution if they leave you
To threaten to leave when they are trying to make it work

Because they love you
They love you
And your repayment of that love is pain
And uncertainty

Just because they love you
It doesn’t give you the right

Valentine’s Day 31

My loves sit at the dining room table talking in low tones and dipping chocolate chip cookies in milk. Tara giggles and loses half her cookie to the glass. Soaked through it breaks. She uses a dry one to fetch the pieces out. Sara brushes a strand of purple hair from Tara’s eyes, tucking it behind her ear. I finish putting the dishes in the washer and start to clean the counter. Making work for myself to allow Sara to work her magic.

After a few minutes the cookies are gone, wife and lover are lounging content as cats, and the dishwasher chugs away.

“My love.” I say, “Let’s get ready for bed. You two can use the shower first.”

Sara looks knowingly at me. Her wise grey eyes carrying a sad smile. She holds her hand out to Tara, who grips her and bounces up out of the chair.

My girls disappear into the bedroom and moments later I hear the shower turn on.

I pad over to the bedroom. Snagging the remote to the house sound system, I put on the soft sounds of summer rain. The hiss and patter fills the room displacing the empty silence.

I remove the sheets and change them for a fresh set. Soft silk replaced with warm cotton.

I retrieve Mr. Fox from Tara’s side of the bed and position the bear to be watching and waiting when the girls emerge.

The girls emerge from the shower in a billow of steam and seeing Mr. Fox, Tara snatches him up and spins around with him in her arms.

Sara smiles, tired eyes lighting with soft joy, for a moment the missteps of the night forgotten.

I can’t see this anymore. Maybe that makes me weak but I can’t take credit for joy when I’ve brought us so close to disaster. I walk into the washroom and start the shower. I carefully peel off the bandage covering my dick and see the blood spots.
This is going to suck. I lather up and gently wash all over. I take extra gentle care of my wounds. This sidelines me from many of our daily routines. My mistakes compound and pay dividends I would have preferred were less.

Sluicing down the suds, I stand for a minute in the pounding streams. I let the jets massage away some of the tension and the air grows thick and hot.
Unable to take more, I step out. The shower jets shutting down ten seconds after no bodies are sensed in the stall. I throw on my robe and stand at the mirror. I force myself to take five deep breathes, holding each for three seconds before I floss and brush my teeth. I reapply a bandage on my cock and pull on underwear to keep it from brushing against anything in its raw state.

I walk into the bedroom and the air is chilly compared to the stifling heat of the bathroom. Tara is curled up against Sara. Already asleep. Sara is in the middle of the bed and I slip in behind her.

Soft moonlight filters through the gauze curtains. The sounds of rain pours through the speakers. The fresh scent of clean hair fills my nostrils. The heat of Sara as little spoon warms me and on any other night, I’d slip deeply into dreams.

But tonight, I fear sleep will be a long time coming.

The hats we wear

So, it’s February 14th. Valentine’s day. A made up holiday to start the year of commerce off. But I’m not here to talk about that. Because it’s origin, in this case is irrelevant.

What it is to a symbolist, like myself, is a focal point. A point where love, frustration, longing, and despair all coalesce into a palpable energy.

It is in the jacked up prices at restaurants. The desperate buy and sell of the roadside last minute gift seller. It is in the first kiss of a couple newly found. It is in the soft expression and the held hands. The hope of a little holiday sex and the crushing weight of public happiness in the dark despair of a lonely heart.

So much emotion and motion moving about this day. Easy to use a bit of it for a storm.

And to add a little bit to it.
I’m yours forever, my schmoopy. You are mine.
Life is complicated. But we’ll keep working on making it simpler. Together.

Only truth, always truth

I provide certainty
Because I am certain

I provide commands
Because through order
You are safe

I provide discipline
Because through punishment
Are sins expiated

These are the things that people see
But, while important, these things are merely surface
They are the barest glimpse of what we are

You are mine
I am yours
Always by your side
A whisper in your ear
A kiss on your lips
A conversation
A song
Every word a truth

I wake to thoughts of you
I sleep to thoughts of you
Every step is a step forward
To you