A Sir desires

The touch of your skin is a translation of affection expressed through the medium of nerve endings
Endeavoring to awaken in you a fire which cannot be quenched
To know with a glance
Sure hands over soft skin
Eager lips made slow
Pressing lips like vise over artery
Tasting jumping pulse
Struggling to gasp breathe to synapse
Breathe deeply in ragged flame
Gifts given
Ignite fires
Kindled deep in bones
Leather and pulse pain
Bruises marking mine
Say ready
Say more
Say yes
I would have you in all the ways of imagining
Of experience and of desire
Not once, not twice
Until yield and sleep
But waking
Join in grip of heart
Allow me to wake your fire
Consume me as I consume you
Taking nothing for granted
Allow passion to rewrite your stars

Tapped out juggernaut

wish I could turn off my brain
turn it off and just be happy
turn it off and just remember
turn it off and just be

instead I dull it
break it
sleep away my time
passing away
as if time wasn’t all that I owned
and these thoughts that just won’t shut off

wish I didn’t read a thousand interpretations in a silence
in a smile
in a phrase

learned paranoia becomes just paranoid
taught myself to see all the angles
now I see right angles in circles
and I just want it to stop

and when I’m better
and when your there
I feel like I’m normal
like I got it mostly handled
and who are those people who feel like this
every day

who don’t see a cliff and for just a quarter of a second think about jumping
who don’t lose relationships because they second guess themselves until their person wonders why they aren’t second guessing too
who don’t work themselves into such stress that they lose sleep

who don’t find themselves awake at four am, yearning

But that’s not gonna be me
I’m the broken brain and broken heart
But not about you
just some weeks are harder than others
and I don’t know how to say it’ll be ok while I’m being not ok and just want to be held
but that can’t happen cause I’m supposed to be the strong one
the dominant
can’t show weakness though I’m riddled with holes
holes papered over but still bleeding
Never fully healed
but sometimes fully functioning

hard to know when to start talking
and never have I known when to stop

Symphonies begin with a single note

Precision breaks down
Passion steals fire
Tendons writhe waking
Dreams

Inside
Two become whole
Surface from what was to
Shattered silence

Artless in frenzied glory
Panting breathe spilling out
Just begun

Let time stop
Waves and undulations
Wake tired minds

Demonstrate harsh lessons
In gentle bites
Hands making
What the foolish call sin

Lust wakes in the heart of love
Turn banked fires to lava
Inexorable
Until spent
Again and again

Skin and mind too sensitive to continue
Hold you close
Taste sweat
Quench thirst

Never enough

Silent screams, unbidden, burst

Get used to the pain of being near you
Being so close and unable to grasp you close
This weight
Heartbeat clenched
Unnoticed until a touch sparks release
Light and silent
About what this feeling means
Lump in throat
Fear of what you’ll say
So many times before
Saying it
That spasm
The rictis smile
The I don’t think of you that way
The slow fade
But feelings denied break out
Break down in unexpected ways
It’s coming
And soon
I’ll find my voice
And speak
And wait
Heart heavy
Waiting for the event horizon

Eye plucked out and hung

Don’t want to feel like I need to apologize for falling in love
Too soon? What is that? Too soon for who? Sure I don’t know everything about her, so what? Learning about someone is a relationship. Seeing them as they grow and change and embracing those changes. That’s a relationship. People tell me that I say it too soon, that I should live in the moment. Where else is there to live? The moment realized is a byproduct of future planning but failure to plan is failure to realize. Love is always a Work in progress. That pure crystalline love that never waivers or changes is the fairytale and maybe that’s the standard people hold to and that’s why we are so unhappy.

When I say I love you it’s no perfection. No crystalline structure of atoms waiting for the right forces to shatter it. It is the messy growing complex thing that becomes as things change and accommodates new structures to become a whole. Not unwavering or unyielding but instead resilient and capable of change.

Through a series of missteps I grew used to apologizing for what I feel.

I don’t want that. I want someone who sees me and likes that I’m a poetical kind romantic who will spank you and play in dark and light ways all while abiding in a column of love. And sees that I go through darkness too, and knows that I’m there despite my challenges.

Even now I feel like I have to apologize for being too much. I want someone who sees my too much and knows it for enough.

Need to stop waking at midnight

You know what the worst part of beginning to fall in love is? Well, really two things. The first is how fragile it is. You are right on the edge of something and you can sense it coming and maybe you slow it down, hoping you can control it this time(I’ve never been able to). But you also know that at any moment before you begin the fall, it could all blow away like candy floss in a harsh wind.

The second is that, while you try to guard your heart to whatever extent you are able, you know you are at the mercy of another person. And you feel the echos of the past, reverberating forward. All those times it didn’t work out.

And you’re afraid.

People who haven’t been looking for a while don’t know what it is to find and love and lose, over and over again.

Or if you remember, it is through a haze. Or maybe you don’t overthink it.(I envy you that).

But, I’m afraid. Not of before or while. But of the potential for after. I’ll do whatever I can to not have an after. Though, usually, there is nothing to be done that I’m not already trying.

I try to spit in the face of my fears. To do what I fear. But this existential dread at 2AM. It’s hard to face.

Why I cry, sometimes for no evident reason

There is something in me that always wants more. More time with someone I like. More conversations, more touch, more laughter. More falling in love, hopefully together. And I think I understand why now.

As a child, I was alone. Surrounded by siblings old enough or young enough to be distant but still present. I would ride my bike for hours out in the heat. Alone. I would ride down alleyways discovering petty secrets. I would ride for miles down back streets in the quiet empty of the asphalt heat ocean. I would come back home and gulp down water and read some book meant for adults, having long since out read the local library of children’s offerings. The crackle of the polyurethane dust jacket and the silent turning of pages. Days and days left alone, because I didn’t seem to need attention, and others did.

I grew up filling this vast uncharted lonely expanse with temporary friends, ideas, and intense desire for a connection. But, I was both shy and quick witted, stung by others comments I would carve out their hearts with a sharp tongue and feel flushed with guilt and triumph. And I watched as others who seemed normal to me found connections and were seemingly happy. It looked so easy for them. Like breathing.

I turned to computers and twisted even further inward. My family emphasized practicality and money. I lost myself. And by the time I surfaced, I was successful and faceless. People knowing me was dangerous so no one did. Certainly not my family. And there was no one else. Until Morgan shattered my world. And everything changed. Like waking from a coma to find the world had moved on. Briefly, through, seemingly no action I took other than saying yes at the right moment, I was whole. She filled me in ways I’m still aching from.

Because well, you can read about Morgan on your own.

And I was so numb after, I just didn’t notice. But I started waking up almost four years ago. And that intense need for connection drives me. I fall in love. It’s not attachment. I’m not a baby bird. I just see people and they are beautiful. How can I not love them? I’m learning to suppress it but love always bursts out. Connection. More. An intense need to have them see themselves how I see them. To help them.

I don’t get people who don’t know if they have ever felt love. There are people who I would shift the world for, if I could.

But I think they see that empty vastness inside me. I understand how it’s too much. No one can fill it. No single person. But you wouldn’t be. I have friends, fellow poets and writers. Sometimes the vast empty swallows me and I seem like I’m way too much too soon. I’m sorry for that.

And a part of me says, “stay, just stay.” and another part whose all too familiar, knows that you’ll go, and another part would do much to be proven wrong and fill the vast empty with something other than echos.

Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken

Confusion is a base state

I almost wish that my emotions didn’t run so hot.
That they didn’t rush like tsunami. Seemingly dry and nonexistent as the waters pull back, until they rush forward, overwhelming my heart. It seems like I only find those unavailable to me as people who make my heart burst like fire. But it’s not true. It’s just that those who are unavailable are often the only ones who show any interest in me. At least in a way that I recognize as interest. I can be obtuse in this regard.

I don’t know. I dislike not knowing. I love to know everything. How else will I see true if I cannot see all?

I wish I knew. Whatever paths led where. Even in general. Because I can’t trust my judgment. My judgment leads me to love and to breaking.

You know…I didn’t pick Morgan. She picked me.
It makes me wonder. Because every time I trust my judgment, while they don’t destroy me in harder ways, I’m still devastated. When it ends. When it fails.

I don’t know the way forward.

Silent

Every day
I’m just so tired
Falling asleep in my chair
My mind drifts to the past
To all that I had in brief months of happy
I can’t go to far
There is a chasm of unfathomable darkness
But back a few years
Each joy
Each I love you
Each fail
This accumulation
I’m so tired
Most days I have nothing left
How am I going to find you
When all I can do without tears is sleep
Losing her didn’t break me
Life after recovery from her loss
Did