We are never more complicated than when we are open to love

It is easy to say that love is a choice and not a feeling. Because we want things to be one thing or another. We want uncomplicated and simple solutions. But this leads us to believe that if we no longer feel love that we should just choose to be with the person because we are choosing love. And that is fucking dangerous.

Yes, love should be a conscious choice. Don’t allow your feelings to rule but when your feelings of love are gone, it should be a flag to examine why.

Because love is a choice but the kind of choice it is, is to see. To see all that a person is and choose to love them. In the best way, it is to allow one’s feelings to develop from seeing who they are and each day realizing why you love them.

Now. That shit is easy to say. And some days it will be all you can do not to be super fucking annoyed by everything that they do, but the feeling of love will pull you through. And on the obverse side, if all you have is the feeling of love without the reasons that you love them….observe that. Because if you feel love but there is no quality in them that makes clear why, or if what you once loved has worn away and has been replaced by fear, uncertainty, and doubt…well that’s dangerous…

When memories thought inviolate slip away beyond reach

Feeling broken for no particular reason
No glaring signal saying this is the red flag
This is where the healing will begin
Instead just hurting
Just a bag full of empty
Spilling out over symptoms
The endless seeking of distractions
Anything to not think except in those moments between cease and sleep
Where all that was held away comes crashing down through paper walls which held it at bay
Thin constructs fooling myself that this is a normal life and these are normal activities
Fundamentally seeking but burned out from the search
Looking for a reprieve but places aren’t safety
Just defensible rooms
People have ever been my succor
Holding and taking care of those I love heals me
Keeps me going to the point where you say you want to see my darkness
But become Mired in light
Because the darkness retreats when my love is allowed expression
Wrong to say it’s gone but it retreats to lurk and wait in ambush
Too tired to even think about suicide
Instead yearning for sex, something passive, to be done to me while I curl and cry
Anything just to feel more than empty
I’ve been seconds from the ledge, one steps from jumping and still this all consumption of emotions is worse
This endless expanse of nothing
Stretched borders making for the treeline
Drowning in the blood of mourning
Lost without her Yes or Sir
Masters have demons too
Ours just seem like controlled because they are control
Perfection is a lost art
Artists lost in the false storms of embrace
A yes away from hell or salvation
One more chance
One more piece broken
One more piece of jagged glass
Still capable of cutting me free

Twin well springs join into a stream

The wind blows and the clatter sound of leaves fades to the soft shush but if I listen closely I hear the
Snap
Snap
Of leaf against leaf
Close in it must sound like a war
But in this distance
It’s only beauty

The rain falls and the pound of drops fades to the white noise which lulls so many to sleep but if I listen closely the
Pop
Pop
Of drops slamming into the ground at 9.8 meters per second per second
Close in sounds like a battle
But safe in my bed
It’s only dreams

Her voice sings and the tones that, in unfamiliarity say other, fades into the honeyed tones which tug me out of my reverie but if I listen closely the
Twang
Twang
Of tones bouncing in register
Close in sounds like the other
But in my heart
I hear only love

How do I explain that I hear both at the same time, see the sides and choose which piece to speak on?
But never forgetting that I’ve seen both, I just choose
Beauty

When is a decision not and instead a cell, open door afraid to walk through

Mind tendrils reaching out
Never quite touching the ones I’ve loved
Words caught in throat
Thinking not to impose
Not to make known
Thoughts always seeking
Touching
Seeing
Still there?
Still living
Never cared for the holidays
Feeling hypocritical asking how you spent it
As if those minutes of minutia excuse the month or more of silence
Time stretches
Stories left untold
Wishing even the scritch of the pen would come
When sound catches throat
But even there
The hesitation grows

Wanting to say
I love you
Not that it matters
Stretching out just to say hi
But failing
Happy Thanksgiving?
No
Cast instead
Voice to the ether
That it be just as lost as I

The all too familiar chill of silence

This grey world
of maybes and waiting
Torn apart
silences and half said hesitation
Stretched out fingers
Fighting inclination
The touch of you
wakes the need
for more of you
Sound of your drawl
igniting long quiet desires

The quiet seeps in
Settling in between bones
In the interstices
Pockets of too heavy air
Robbing voice with grief

Hold you close
make heart known
See you in all the hidden places
Know and accept
I want you still
I want you always
I love the all of you

Candy crinkle bonfire stirs once cold heart

Somber reflection lingers too long
Trailing fingers slender with longing
Through water caught twixt one breathe and the next
Yawn thoughtfully
Pondering skin
Watching in wakeful yearn
Steps distant that still
Too far
Hands move forward toward
But stop ere flesh yields to simple caress
No time like the present
Only place all wrong
…in heart flutter deep resonance
…”With you, all places are right.”
And only conviction keeps
To furtive looks
Soft smiles
With bedroom eyes
see the sleep but not the flame beneath
But I
And you
Know
We but look for a place to burn

The Sky crys the tears I am unable to

To justify my love
having been told so often that it can’t be
that it’s too soon
I find myself in a constant war of justification where I say “I love you…”
waiting for the rejection
waiting for the no
waiting for the hesitation that says your love is scary
and I say
in that forced brittle cheer of the beaten
and all flinches “…but I love everybody.”
which is sorta true
I love all the people I love and have ever loved
but I diminish my words
scrunch down to make them fit
this too small container of what is acceptable
I’m the broken one for my love
I’m the tragic fool for my open heart
it’s always too soon
until it’s too late

Little stories for big truths

She looked at me, eyes filled with tears and bravery
She looked at me and said, “Things have felt wrong my whole life.”
She looked at me and said, “I’m they. And gender fluid.”
They looked at me. Imploring my understanding as my face stood blank and brow furrowed in puzzlement.
I said, confused and obvious, bold and unyielding “I love you. You. You have told me something important. Something that makes you more you. The only thing that’s changed in my heart is that it’s lighter. Knowing that you will be happier.”

Uncertain steps, face upraised to a storm swollen sky

There is a dance that rages through my bloodstream
Demanding steps be taken
Demanding music and light
Demanding quiet whispers and moans

It filters through my skin
Permeates every cell
Binding closer and close

Passion reminding us to live
To risk all
For each turn of the wheel
Each shift of night into day
Leaves behind bones stripped bare
All meaning carried along in pockets grown swollen

And still
Buried in the choices we’ve stuffed ourselves full on
Crappy breadsticks before the meal
The song calls

Discard the knives buried in flesh
The Flashfire and freeze
Remember but be light
Remember
And still brave the waters

And dance
Whole and broken
Joyous and bleakly
Dance
In grace and stumbles
But always
Always
In my embrace