I go to sleep now, to dream of the woman who abandoned me. Who left me standing at the roadside without a word. She left as everyone leaves me. I’m not even angry. Leaving me seems as natural as breathing. No I’m not angry. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. Wracked with terrible sadness. But not mad. I love her still. How stupid, how fucked up to love someone who walked away without a word. As if I were trash. Maybe I am. A throwaway heart. Used to make one feel better until bored or something better comes along. For a long time, I didn’t open my heart to anyone. But at least I knew in my bones that if Morgan had had a choice she would have chosen me. Maybe she was it. The only one who could love me. No one else seems to, at least for any length of time.
Time heals nothing. It’s our fading memories that give rise to this statement. We forget. The closest I get to forgetting is compartmentalizing those experiences into a specific mindstate. I might even code the mindstate to a locale. I sometimes wish my mind allowed me to forget completely. But then I’ll recall a conversation or a smile or dancing with Morgan. I’ll recall a kiss or a touch. And as much as these memories are melancholic, I would not trade them for the temporary comfort of forgetting. Of losing them.
I will never stop communicating with you
I will never deliberately cause you pain
I desire to make your dreams manifest
All else pales in comparison to you
Just wondering, will you dance with me
I collect wine. Would you like some?
I want to know all your thoughts
44 Odd Things You Don’t Know About Me
Answered in Poet Voice
1. Do you like blue cheese? spice wind melting in bones and memory
2. Have you ever smoked? char fails on the passage
3. Do you own a gun? a blade is a truer weapon
4. What is your favorite flavor? that which lies betwixt, in hushed breath and moan
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Stout is the heart that beats
6. What do you think of hot dogs? the mystery lays in within
7. Favorite Movie? whichever calls to my heart in the waning moonlight
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? the bean made thick by cream, made sweet by flowing darkness
9. Do you do push ups? nought as exercise though surely in other pursuits
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? by the elder sign I am called, and the challenge is met
11. Favorite hobby? the mind plays in the shade of the hedgerows
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Calm waters reflect the sky
13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? my heart blooms too often under an unforgiving sky
14. What is your middle name? a legacy from the river that birthed me
15. Name three thoughts at this time? a past fraught with pain, words that burn and break, the shifting sands of the changeable future
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? rain as it drops from the winter sky, whiskey poetry itself, the fermentation of the the darkest orbs
17. Current worry? hearts broken and renewed
18. Current annoyance right now? labors unappreciated
19. Favorite place to be? in dream, where what was may be again
20. How do you ring in the new year? Alone, the days passing, together in revelry
21. Where would you like to go? into the arms of those that love me by choice rather than blood
22. Name three people who will complete this. Those who will it, those who fear it, and those who wish to be seen
23. Do you own slippers? naught but skin shods my feet in comfort
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? nights blissful song
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? though cool, enfold me in soft and warm of simple cotton
26. Can you whistle? if a dog could whistle, my tune in this regard would still not carry
27. What are your favorite colors? as the day falters and dies, the colors of the night dance and sway, a crimson river, drying to beauties rest
28. Would you be a pirate? am I not already, to take and speak as one voice, one vote?
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? As one descending though darkness is on fire
30. Favorite girls name? Morgan
31. Favorite boys name? Kvothe
32. What’s in your pocket right now? hope and a blade
33. Last thing that made you laugh? I cannot recall
34. Best toy as a child? curiosity and freedom to move
35. Worst injury you ever had? a step, a twist, a break, then steps, then break
36. Where would you love to live? in the hearts of my lovers, in their arms
37. How many TV’s do you have? a single window in other worlds
38. Who is your loudest friend? Scott of the laughing words and the sad eyes
39. How many dogs do you have? I suffer from a paucity of canines though I share space with carnivores of the feline persuasion
40. Does someone trust you? All whom I count as friends may trust me, unto death
41. What book are you reading at the moment? Deadly Sting by Jennifer Estep
42. What’s your favorite candy? soft milk chocolate encasing in geometric glory the honey nougat of a far off land
43. What’s your favorite sports teams? for myself, I can speak but none
44. Favorite month? When summer slips into memory and winter strides merry and dark, in masked celebration between this aetheric and the next
Now, YOUR TURN!!!
I know all too little of joy
And all too much sadness not quite past bearing
Retreat to chemical slumber
where dreams betray
For they are of you
Early days of summer
bring heady release
caged from our slumber
stretch wide in sunlights fading
wings shake with frost
heat begins by dying
as winter counts the cost
Slow turn reveals concealed blade
A line of cold erupting fire
A step away
The dull throb of crimson life spilling into silk
Pains breathe quickens
Cold erupts, flickered flame drips
Thin line of reflected light
Desires bow made
Drink you down like wine
A friend of mine asked if being ghosted was a betrayal. She was trying to put it in perspective. And, I think, to give me an out. However, it was not betrayal. It was just sad. And my rules aren’t meant to make my life easier. They are meant to force me down ways I would not normally travel. Put another way, I serve them. They do not serve me. My rules are harsh like navigating a path filled with thorns all sharp and pointed inward. Their purpose is to mold me into the things I want for myself. If the easy path, the easy answer didn’t always beckon.
I mention this to highlight one of my rules.
Wherever love is possible, it must be allowed to flourish.
This is a rule built on the back of my rule to not betray. And my rule that you serve something other than yourself. It’s a sub rule blending aspects of both primary rules.
Where I see love possible, I will open my heart to it. Even if it destroys me in this life.
If a relationship fades but love still exists and that relationship did not fail for breach of a primary rule and should I not be committed to another, I will open my heart and welcome my love back. We will try again.
I know it seems foolish. And possibly dangerous, but judicious application of the other rules make it far less so.
I believe love is worth the risk. Worth the cost.
My rules enforce that belief.
I say rules but mean code. A person needs a code. A ruleset that can be lived by a mortal and which serves to elevate them.
Just some thoughts on the subject