Rant on the improper application of psychological principles to every day life

Codependency is bandied about as if were a bad thing. And, in a culture where being independent is prized, it may be seen by the society at large to be a bad thing. But is it truly? We are pack animals and I use pack deliberately. We have pack dynamics which are nuanced rather than herd dynamics which have a tendency to take all cues from a single leader. As pack, we are dependent on each other for safety, for health, for joy, for love. That humanity forms its own packs rather than relying solely on extended family is different but not unique.

So back to codependentcy. We see it as bad because we have this notion that we stand alone and standing alone is strength. It’s one of those siren call lies. We want to be enough for all things but that is neither rational nor healthy. Codependentcy is only a bad thing when it subsumes your one personality supplanting it with the hopes and dreams of the other. In other words, when the behavior travels into psycopathy.

And that’s where media fails us. Because, in search of a quick engagement, we are told quick and unnuanced information. Like, codependence is bad. Video games, bad. Movies, bad. Etc, etc…
But what they fail to say is that these things are only bad when they have a negative impact on your well-being.

So obsessed with social media that it negatively effects your self image? Bad.
Going on Instagram to see pictures of puppies? Not bad.

Play that mmo until you fall into a coma? Bad.
Go on a weekly raid with your guild? Not bad.

So codependent that your personality is subsumed by the will of your partner? Bad
Being with a partner whose strengths compliment yours and whose love reflects your own? Not bad

This notion that depending on someone or liking something is a bad thing is all situation dependent. And to what extreme you are experiencing that thing. And the fact that we are made to feel guilty or made to feel as if we need to justify our choices because of the improper application of psychology is galling.

Acknowledge the precipice

Bound into darkness by bonds forged long ago
I rise a phoenix bound only by my love and my will
Choosing again and again to serve
To guard
To lead
In this temporary oasis of respite
I gather strength
Healing old wounds long left to fester
With no time allocated to healing
I broke
But now, wounds healed, life reforged
Truths accepted and hopes reignited
I walk forward
While a human life remains to live
A souls journey forward is waiting
And I safeguard a future beyond this mortal world
A future beyond reckoning
As incarnate, I am part blind
But still
I see

To feel, we must break; to love, we must fall

Between the lines we see what is but it is in that non-existence that we find space to spread the wings of the mind. Out beyond the borders, while inside we huddle worn and weathered from the broken storm of being. We spread dark wings patterned after the universal night. Breaking what lays between as pointless barrier. Walls fall in realities long distant. And what is, becomes.
And yet, still we are forced into the flesh of the moment. Relying on frail mortality to provide that glimpse beyond what is; to experience infinity one must first have a frame of reference. So we rise up and take a vessel. And live a mortal life trapped in the slowly decaying orbit which is called living. But until we snap finger quick out of one life to the next. We wander in this transition point. This hollow ache of slow perception which bridges the gap between anticipatory hope and the fresh burn of the new. Waking up, we find ourselves in the deep embrace of desire. One less step forward. One less day left in the traverse. All just the memory.
The patient gaze of observation. And the slow waiting for the next.

Down on the lo fi, wake in the high life

Take my hand
One step forward
I’ll hold the line
Not going back
To that before fore time
We’ll fight this together
We’ll forge a new ‘line
Just one step forward
Riding the decline
Take you to my house
Strip it to the bone
We’ll build it together
Make this place a home
You’re my forever
My place in the sun
Just take this step forward
I promise
We’ve just begun

Bitter tear Symphony

Friends who are family is all I’ve ever wanted
They slot into my soul like puzzle pieces
Energistic connection which makes everything feel

All right
The last 2 years have been harder than I thought would be possible
Harder especially since my family
The family I chose
Had been breaking apart
I lost two people to just life and distance and time
We are droplets running like a river
Believing us to be strong
Till one thing
And another
Drive the point home
We weren’t a river
Just drops
Held loose in a semicrystalline state
Always destined to break apart
I thought my years of isolated broken would serve as a deterrent to heartbreak
But it turns out that once you are healed enough
Those wounds are no longer haunting
Nor familiar
The carve in
Old sites long scarred
Past by in favor of fresh flesh
I’ve built this network of people I love
And as the pandemic drags on and on
I realize that the illusion of self
Is just that
Without my family of choice
I am diminished
And nothing can take the place of the pack

One night only

When trying to sleep I try everything
I try going to sleep at the same time
Having a drink
Not having a drink
I’ve tried taking a shower immediately before bed
Tried reading in my office chair for so long I’m actively losing time
Tried watching TV
Tried listening to music
Cover on/cover off

Everything I’ve tried all gives me, at most, one nights rest
I keep changing things because sometimes one change works
But the only thing that consistently works is knowing that when I wake up
The person I love is gonna be beside me
Not every time
But a good 70% of the time
Or even that when I wake, very soon I will see them
I guess it makes me feel safe
A thought that actually makes me cry
And I don’t know why
Just that safe isn’t something I feel very often
Emotionally safe and maybe a bit physically safe
I miss that
Sleeping is one of the prime factors for keeping my depression away
But I guess,
I’ll try something new
It can be my world premiere
Exclusive event

Wide awake at 5am

I’m an adult. At least that’s what they tell me. But I still use terms like ‘making out’. I still like ending a date with a long session of kissing in the car.

I like the illicitness of it. The chance we’ll be caught. I like feeling like we’re both a part of the world and in our own little cocoon at the same time.

Still, making out. It sounds like something teenagers do. At the very oldest college sophomores.

But what else am I to say? Waxing poetic confuses most people. So saying that I want to delight in your eyes and tongue. Its not exactly shorthand is it. Nor something you can say without someone blushing or looking away embarrassed.

Just the passing thought of an insomniac, I suppose

Softly, as I float

Feeling like we’re missing out
That time is just advancing
Each day blurring into the next
Eyes so tired they shake
Screaming no!
No this is not my life
Trying to escape
From what we can’t quite say
Just that relentless ticking away
Almost time for the new year
Almost whats next
The lie of each generation
That tomorrow is any different than
Last week
Waiting for that paycheck
To pay one more bill
Buy one more thing
Maybe this time
It’ll bring something
Just another spin
A chance to go broke
One foot in the street
Telling yourself
Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrows just fine
The long silence knows better
We’re not fine
But we’ll pretend
Until the smoke inhalation
Overwhelms us
In this trashfire
They’ve told us
Was the life we dreamed of
Keep striving
Against your own interests
Because tomorrow you might be the anointed
The rich
The powerful
False promises and another person
Another life
Seen through a window