Nightmares are also Dreams Part 29-Sara

I cannot believe that man! My mother’s dress! Like I would wear that frumpy conservative lump. And to imply that I had less than 30 minutes for hair and makeup…no absolutely not?! Just because he’s the Master doesn’t mean he gets to dictate how I look. We did not negotiate this and I am not going to let him get away with this…this…punishment. I encouraged our pet to play and she is super happy now and he punishes me! No, absolutely not. If he tries anything else, I’m calling red and stopping this trainwreck.

Pictures for my parents. They know that I’m married. They don’t know the specifics of our relationship and they don’t need to know! Their arch-conservatives rich bitches and they could start throwing their weight around. Pel thinks he can play in their world but he can’t. It’s all clandestine words of warning and bribes disguised as political contributions.

Pel’s idea of subtle coercion is blackmail and a gun. He’d get eaten alive in their world. Petty warlords and tin pot dictators have nothing on the political bureaucrats my parents buy.

Well this is going faster than I thought…

“Where do you ladies normally work,” Sara asked the makeup and hair artists.

“We work on Broadway, dear. Your beau flew us out just for you and had us sitting on standby all day at some private hotel,” the makeup artist replied.

“Flew us on a private jet, very posh, and we never went through security so fast, I don’t know how he managed that,” the hair artisan said.

That son.of.a.bitch. He was planning this the whole fucking time. Flew them across country on a whim! Bullshit. He was going to do this the entire day. He was just waiting for me to disobey or infract in any way and if I didn’t he would have set up a no win scenario.

That sneaky, conniving, beautiful bastard of a man.
I look over to see him sitting in his tux, reading on his phone and drinking a glass of pineapple juice. Not a care in the world.

He looks up like he can tell I’m looking and that slow possessive smile creeps across his face, darkens his eyes and the hunger their makes me shudder.

My Pel.

When we jump, will we fall or fly?

Nights passed and still sleep has yet to find me
Words unsaid
Unthunk
Undone
Unravel out seeking tether
Weary eyes no match for a weary heart bound up in aching
Telling myself what is
Telling myself what to do
And still my heart pounds and screams
Rocking itself to anything but sleep
The conscious mind says follow the path
Says wait
Says we have a plan and a way and just follow the steps
And my heart cries
But not so schismatic
We are united
Maybe that’s the gift of knowing
To break oneself into pieces which observe and know the whole
Or maybe my tired brain is seek connections
To hold onto any truth to keep from sinking
And maybe I want to sink
Though I’ve seen the dark precipice of death from the shores of drowning
And its not peaceful
So no sinking
But my mind drowns
Drifts away
Untended
Untethered
How to sleep?
Waiting for fate to flip the next card
Was it always this hard…
Probably
It’s easy to forget the sludge dark
When you have somehow managed a bit of time in the sky

A billion miles, to flare and die, ere reaching a destination

Nothing wakes in the palace of death
Where lives break and hearts die
Truths unveiled
From a river of blood
The leprous moon
Bays its children home
Light fades in the eyes of those chosen
Each turn and turnabout
Lost labyrinth
Quiet burns away
Time leeches the bright sun
Skies open in smiles
And nothing that was
Survives the wind whipped
Flaying
Savage knives turned into
And breaking
Final remorse
Before the last tear falls

A heart as sharp as a knife

Fear crests in the heart
New
And maybe
And failure that is unacceptable
Crescendo of the possibility
The hope that breathes reality
Unsteady from the dream
The click
Click
Click
Of dominos falling
Of standing stone portents
Of stars weeping and impacts
Shaking the world
What will be
May be
And how to handle the logistical reality
While the heart screams
YES
And runs headlong into the future
The mind plotting paths
Hoping for a few more resources
But building as fast as possible
No schism
Heart and head are goal oriented
Looking towards the long-term truth
That future where need and desire and real talk
Manifest into real arms
Real lips
Safety and shelter
In being seen
Known
And chosen

When life precludes poetry-lament and rant

I hate that everything present me wants is predicated on the plans past me was able execute and stick with.

That what I’m working towards could crest the horizon but because I started fixing my situation late, or stopped fixing it due to circumstances, or sort of half way did it while in other areas continued to work towards the goal without surcease, because of that, I might not be one hundred percent ready

And doesn’t that just kick my anxiety into high gear?
What can be done?

Stop half assing it. Start what I can. Hope that it’s enough. Best I can do.