It is not worship. It is not idealization.
I see every person in reality as a human first. Flawed, with a set of base states. I start from flawed and build my picture of you from there.
I see you. I see your strengths. I see your weaknesses. I see your pain. I see your past. I see your desires. I see your needs. I see your hopes. I see it all. I want it all.
It is not idealization. It is acceptance. It is not worship. It is love(loyalty, respect, honor, joy, hope, elevation, desire).
I’d find love if I could, but it eludes me, a fox before the hound, I lost my hunting party or they look but don’t understand what I’m searching for. So I look for someone who’ll submit but doing so recalls memories of people I’ve loved who fulfilled the role and lived in my heart. And I’m forced to ask if a little play, which given my nature can’t be for long, is enough.
Or am I overreaching? Looking for a future when I don’t have a now. And I say it’s simple to find sex for a night or a week because it’s always been so. Turn on the knowing smile and the eyes that hint of darkness and experience, don’t go looking and just enjoy the night. It’s inevitable but on waking, that was fun but empty. And I’ll have my day and you’ll have yours. We’ll be a fond memory and a little smile but soon lost to the weight of hours and days.
Those encounters never lead to much else maybe a month of fun until you’re fed up with me typing away or reading instead of the whirl of dance and drink when we met. I keep looking for more, looking for the person(s) who’ll make me smile, make me better, make me more.
It’s easy to say be enough on your own but I’ve been down that road and while I’m great, I want to break up with being alone. I just want to see other people.
1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.
2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.
3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.
4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.
5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.
I’m tired of here, I’m tired of new,
just being here, without you near,
it’s all that I know, this pain and bones,
what’s all the point, when you’re never here
And those I have found, a poor substitute, I’m easy to love and easy to lose
I’m weary of life, I’m missing your touch,
though I know I’ve tried, it wasn’t that much,
for all I have loved, they all go away
I’m addicted to life, but I cannot stay
And those that have found, a poor substitute, I’m easy love and easy to lose
I’ve given you up, I’ve lost all my fear,
I’m walking alone, walking on by,
I’m looking for love not like I’ve known,
it’s all that I need and all that I’ve sown,
4beat pause
perhaps it’s too late, my time has since flown
I’m easy to love and easy to use, easy to have and easy to lose
When we reduce other people to sensation
to what makes us feel good
we reduce our own humanity
We may be just puzzle pieces
lost and alone
looking for where we fit
but that’s no reason
to slip in-to, hedonistic glut
This is not a rant against pleasure but rather one against taking
we’ve been fucking so long we forgot about love making
About elevating
I’m not saying that pure pleasure in the moment is wrong but most days it does not feel right
It’s empty
And when we become empty for so long we look for anything to fill us
to make us feel accepted
Because we have forgotten what being loved felt like
Act in the service of love and painful as the mounting losses may be
you’ll always be free
of regret at least
There may not be a heaven
but there is surely a hell
because we create it here in our ongoing search for a pleasure that fills us
Our minds should be our faiths
we’re always looking for a way out when we should be following the path in
We take what we want
but taking makes wanting
until we fill ourselves with Prada and prizes
flush with money we chase the one dragon we know we can catch and that feeling fills us up for a time
but it’s still there that ache to be full on waking
that second time is never as real as the first
we become trapped in a hell of our making.
Sex, drugs, and loneliness
dragging down our dreamers all looking for connection but afraid to commit to connect.
We’re above such things
we can disconnect sex from love
free from all rules
but rules are not restriction.
Rules are the freedom to know where the lines are
so you know what you are doing when you cross them
Then it’s three AM and who is this next to me
were they wanting connection or just a slim moment of shared addiction.
Am I the stranger for wanting breakfast?
Accept me as I am
or reject me
but I am no object
to be picked up then discarded
for I have departed
beyond this veil of light and life
I come to you hard hearted
but watch me melt in sunshine rays
give me my glory
my past is my story
another word, another note
I’m past thinking that’s all she wrote
give me your hand
I swear I’ve got a plan
though they mostly involve asking you to stay
I’m a forever kind of lover
but leave me at the altar
and I’ll find another
my heart is too full to falter
my core is emotion
and emotion speaks poetry
to the last you’ll know it’s me
I may be to shy to say it in time
but I’ll always
know how
to say it
in rhyme
I saw your beauty
let it sink into my heart
then look away
because while you walk as art
you are not owned by anyone but yourself
I won’t be the one to posses you with my eyes
But I’ll carry that look and that moment for all of my days
And I’ll hope you carry me with you
There is a audio file with this spoken as it was intended. You’ll need to go to the site to hear it.
We calmly accept
our choices are few
left left, right right like some Konami code
choose me
it’ll all be different
but a single choice
works only when all choice is taken
we’re all parishioners at the same fat trough
elections made to break us
choose the choices we chose for you or
throw your vote away
to someone we don’t control
these party lines have all been erased and polarization just makes it easier to herd us
we are young and want a purpose
want our dreams back
but it serves no purpose
cause our choice is the lesser of two evils
all men and women
strawmen in this race of equals
both feeding your fear of the other
lest you vote your conscience
they say they’ll make it all better
but how can corruption and cancer heal our wounds
the lesser of two evils has been killing us we’re electing the butcher to be our doctor
this one takes a kidney and that one a lung
but at least I’m still alive to pay for the privilege
They rigged the system
And we keep tightening our own noose
Red and blue
The choice between blood on the ground and oxygen deprivation
I’d love to be the rallying call
but I’ve been screaming for years
and you still haven’t heard
choosing who holds the gun to your head
doesn’t matter if they’re Blue or Red
dead is dead
the body just hasn’t stopped twitching
The earth fires it’s first volley
Making clear who is in charge
I read, often, about the light that shines in the darkness. I don’t think I am such a light. Nor do I think I would want to be. There are plenty of people who blaze with light pushing back the darkness. No, I think such is not for me. Dealing with loss and pain, death, murder, and all the petty tyrannys of life in the vast depersonalization of modern society.
No, not for me to kindle light and eradicate darkness. Rather to take the darkness in. To become friends with it, lovers. To shine, but only reflecting back the light. That others may see themselves as I see them.
I will take the darkness. Make this my home. There is beauty here. Beauty in pain, in dark things done in dark places. You need not fit into the normal world, shining light for those afraid of the darkness. But show a obsidian mirror, showing the light they have already. Showing that they need not look to another to blaze the trail, instead that they themselves are the path.
Perhaps, I may shine, but in darker spectrum, for those to whom the light is not refuge but restraint. There are deeper paths, darker paths and often light is a hindrance more than a help.
Pelgris 