Suns blocked rays filter in the dark and grey
each second reminding me of the wider world without
though within the desolate heart
remains broken amidst the ruins of the past
Author: Pelgris
Changes
If I could change what I did in the relationship with you my goddess, I would only change this: I would have said something much sooner. I would have expressed my affection for you in late April. We may well have ended up in the same place as we are now. But we would have had a bit more than an extra month together. Maybe that is foolish. I can only imagine how much more pain I would be in after having more time with you and ending as it did, but the time I was with you, I felt like I was home. I can’t imagine being unwilling to pay the price for that little bit of extra time.
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I’m tired of being
I would very much like it if a paramour would ask me out. Would say you’re interesting, want to be with me? I’m so tired of choosing and after a time falling and thinking that this person wants me as I want them and being wrong each time. I’m tired of putting myself out there and seemingly wanted then dropped like they grasped a adder. I’m tired of falling for the ones I can’t be with. Tired that only the ones that are safely taken have the least bit interest in me. Tired, just tired. I don’t want to have to be the strong one, the chooser, the asker all the time. It is exhausting.
I thought I’d found her. Got to know bits and pieces over 3 months, told her I was interested in more, that I was falling in love and wonder of wonders she said she was too, 6 weeks later she was gone. Off living her life like I was nothing. This isn’t “beating a dead horse”. This is me struggling to understand. What did I do? What didn’t I do? Was it the way I did it? I NEED to know the why’s. I NEED to know the intricacies. I cannot learn, cannot grow without that information. And in the absence of a long talk with her, I have only the pieces I have. So my mind goes over and over and over again each piece. Attempting to glean new information. Consider me posting a way of clearing out a bit of the debris from the process. Maybe it’s not interesting, maybe you don’t want to see me in pain. But it is necessary. It is how I work through things and come out stronger. Leaving things unexamined in the past, only feels ok in the immediate. In effect though, it’s like leaving unstable unexploded ordinance all over your psyche.
I know it’s not interesting to read. It’s not entertainment. I write stories for entertainment. Listen to one or read Pel and Sara. My poetry is art. I hope to strike a resonant chord. I hope to affect my reader. My thoughts are just that, thoughts. Maybe there will be value, maybe not. It’s all process.
I have a more than 2 year back catalog of poetry and stories like Why or Cubicle.
Hopefully those will tide you over while I’m getting a handle on developments in my life.
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Toasted and candied
The weight of those hearts
Held so close
slow trip, trip trip in 4/4 time
resound with clot and baited tongue
honey too thick to taste sweet
this side of heaven
may as well be this side of hell
for all the good that love brings
these frigid highs
crystalline and sharp
plunge deep through the earth’s crust
till molten oblivion gives way to peace
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Thoughts on silence and sanity
The fog clears as the days pass. As I exam my actions. When I am in the beginning throes of new relationship passion, I can be a lot to take. I’m passionate and attentive. But also nuts and needy. If we at least talk on a daily basis for about half an hour, I’m good. I can keep myself in the bounds of sanity. But if not, I can become overbearing in my need to be heard. To be seen in the relationship.
The people I’m attracted to tend to value my intense passion but there is another side to that coin. And that other side is possessive and a little nuts. Of course, if we talk, I lose that edge of crazy. Maybe that is what is most disconcerting, the lack of consistency. I’m at fault for letting the train get away from me. In the silence, I fill the void with my every addled thought until the next communication and I calm for a time.
Which is why I place such heavy emphasis on communication. I know I can get nuts. I want to minimize that. In some cases that’s not possible, due to circumstances, so a lot of understanding please. I’m not really that round the bend, as anyone who actually knows me can attest to. And when it is possible, do me the courtesy and yourself a favor and talk to me on the regular.
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Waking dream
She stood before me. Tall in her heel, standing fierce. The soft paleness of calves curve upward. Her form is strength and hardship. But soft, so soft. Flesh that takes the markings of our lovemaking, that marks the lines of her possession. The heady scent of her cunt mingles with her soft perfume. Smelling of delicacy and delight, recalling the taste of her sweetness. Eyes take in the slight abundance of belly, this she sees as flaw and I see as beautiful. Yielding, the sound of a flogger slapping lightly, further marking her as mine. Her breasts are pillows, showing my bite marks, bruising in blacks, blues and yellows. She says they hurt and remind her of my attention and intention throughout the day. Each mark, each bruise, each small pain, reminding her of my total possession.
She watches me drink her in, wicked grin on her face. This our ritual each time. Her grin bursts wider pulling deep within me. This the smile that makes me want to ravish her, to take her until there is nothing left but grunts and pain and pleasure. All humanity torn away. Give in to shear animalistic rutt.
Her eyes twinkle, like she knows what I’m thinking. Like she knows and deeply approves. Knowing in my gaze and less than tender mercies, finally at last, how truly beautiful she is.
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New song
I don’t have a title for this yet. I just know I can’t sing it. It requires a softer voice, one with a wider range than mine.
I’m singing to you
It’s bout all I can do
Trying to tell you, you’re not here alone
You’re crying your tears, I swear they’re just fears, I’m not walking away, you’re my world, you’re my day,
You’ve been hurt, you’ve been hurt before
You’re my heart, you’re my heart, you’re my darkness in day
Its not all been a lie, let me hold you tonight
You are loved, you are loved, you are loved
No need for your tears, your harboring fears
I bind up your wounds,
You’re my morning,
my noon
These words on the page
Are,
all,
that’s left,
to say
These broken memories, these shattered hooks, they’re lost in the melodies, this ain’t a storybook
I’m singing to you
It’s all I can do
Just sitting alone
Trying to tell you you’re not here alone
You’re crying your tears, I swear they’re just fears, I’m not walking away, you’re my world, you’re my world, you’re my day,
I love you, I love you, I love you
Why can’t I get you to stay
Why are you walking away
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Song for the day
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Sussurra
And I’ll falter through my falling lines
Dancing my depression
Remembrance of the passing time
It’s sifting down to sadness
Our drinking has reached its peak
And brought a passing semblance
Of passion that is ours to keep
A welcoming of madness
A drifting dream
I seek to wake
And claim a rightful lightness
But ere I dream
I’m lost to sleep
And drinking only darkness
Pelgris 