relationship

Wake up

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I don’t understand those who allow there lives to interfere with their love’s. Those who don’t spare the time to demonstrate or tell their love’s how beautiful, how precious they are. Why they allow the special state of having someone in their life become something that they take for granted.

Listen to them. Plan little things. Give little things just because. Make your life a celebration. Don’t take out your bad day on them. Be conscious of your actions and choices.

Believe me, it can all be gone in an instant. Everything you meant to do or say, do it now. Say it now. Tomorrow is an illusion. Each day is today.

If you are lucky enough to be with someone you love and, hopefully, like then demonstrate it. Don’t ask if they want help, just help. Be there in the moment with them.

This is the time to wake up. So, WAKE UP.

It’s not me, it’s me.

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I’d find love if I could, but it eludes me, a fox before the hound, I lost my hunting party or they look but don’t understand what I’m searching for. So I look for someone who’ll submit but doing so recalls memories of people I’ve loved who fulfilled the role and lived in my heart. And I’m forced to ask if a little play, which given my nature can’t be for long, is enough.

Or am I overreaching? Looking for a future when I don’t have a now. And I say it’s simple to find sex for a night or a week because it’s always been so. Turn on the knowing smile and the eyes that hint of darkness and experience, don’t go looking and just enjoy the night. It’s inevitable but on waking, that was fun but empty. And I’ll have my day and you’ll have yours. We’ll be a fond memory and a little smile but soon lost to the weight of hours and days.

Those encounters never lead to much else maybe a month of fun until you’re fed up with me typing away or reading instead of the whirl of dance and drink when we met. I keep looking for more, looking for the person(s) who’ll make me smile, make me better, make me more.

It’s easy to say be enough on your own but I’ve been down that road and while I’m great, I want to break up with being alone. I just want to see other people.

Top 5 things I miss about being in a relationship

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1. Having someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in what I think.

2. Listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I live so much in my head that hearing a different thought process is interesting and sexy.

3. Kissing. I could say sex, but I miss kissing more.

4. Reading something or hearing something and reminding myself to share that with them.

5. Waking up with them snuggled up against me and remembering that we chose each other.

Changes

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If I could change what I did in the relationship with you my goddess, I would only change this: I would have said something much sooner. I would have expressed my affection for you in late April. We may well have ended up in the same place as we are now. But we would have had a bit more than an extra month together. Maybe that is foolish. I can only imagine how much more pain I would be in after having more time with you and ending as it did, but the time I was with you, I felt like I was home. I can’t imagine being unwilling to pay the price for that little bit of extra time.

3 AM thoughts

Pelgris20 Comments

I wonder what it is like to receive my romantic attention. Is it smothering to be thought of in focus? By which I mean as a primary thought, like writing or learning. To know that I think about them when I wake up, when I sleep, and just during the day. To read my poetry that they inspire, to receive compliments and pet names, to hear the thousands of thoughts that slam into my brain.

To deal with the way my brain works, confident but always willing to read a situation as negative. Needing to be reassured of your interest until I’m completely confident in it. Needing to hear back as soon as possible. Needing to know why you aren’t available or will be gone for whatever ongoing conversation we are having.

Dealing with my rules. Dealing with my sexual appetite. With my stories about what I desire to do with and to you, then your realization that they weren’t so much stories as points of intention.

Maybe it’s all too much and the relationship just dies under the weight of communication. I try to restrain my heart, but I often fail. I try to be easy and chill but it’s not my nature. Serious and intense is my nature, though I can be silly if I feel safe. I don’t know. I guess that’s why this is bothering me at three in the morning.

Prime example

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Every year I attend a gaming convention.  That’s video games, board games, card games.  It’s generally around Labor day and it’s in Seattle.  I’ve become less interested in the games themselves and more interested in the city as character. Also, there are panels and talks about the games and games industry juxtaposed with psychology or sociology.  I enjoy that and I really love the community as a whole.  But the point of this is I have, to me, a odd goal.  I want to have a lover go with me to this convention.  To be with me in Seattle, and see me when I am least inhibited.  It’s an odd desire and odd goal, I think.  But I also think that the trip is very important to me and I want to be in a relationship strong enough to share this thing I love with them. 

A year is long enough for perspective

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You said you were fighting not to love me, as if this were some kind of compliment. How was I to feel when told that given the choice to fall and trust that I would catch you, keep you safe, you chose to stay on the ledge as I hurtled by? How was I to feel when told you did not trust me enough to allow yourself the chance to fall in love with me?

And here I am left in the desolation, just one more fool who fell in love, one more fool who having fell will remember you forever.

One more image, one more weight that will never leave my shoulders, one more cut branch on a ever-branching future, one more scar upon my heart.

Is this a poem?

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You think Master means bastard
That orders mean abuse
That owned means prison
You couldn’t be more wrong
Master means lover, protector, elevator
Orders mean structure and support
Owned means fierce pride and a desire for wellbeing
relationships are built on communication
Built on trust
You confuse the trappings for the relationship
I am the pillar of certainty upon which my submissive can stake it all
do not waiver, do not bend
They know where I stand, always.
  They know what I feel because there is communication.
I never want to be less than clear.

Heartache haiku

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Wish it as simple
As, we met and fell in love
But complicated

Shoreline

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don’t want a friendship
want the flame
always step forward
never step back
always move to
never step away
Only built bridges and yet they all burn
life marked and marred
by the fires we yearned
And one fateful meeting
starts drifting away
Stand on the shore
building bridges
from ash