My idea of a perfect date

We sit together in a nice spot with waiters and quiet. Drinking coffee and texting each other. Smiling and holding hands. Occasionally talking. Maybe just reading books together and sharing this great passage that we read. Maybe putting up our phones and kissing like the world has fallen away and only you and I exist. We only leave when we can no longer stand the minutes of being separate and we go to whoevers place is closest. Where we start the dance again until we are both comfortable. Maybe kissing and talking is what we do. Maybe sharing our music and a exploration of lips. We explore each other. That is my perfect date.

I’m a physical person. But I’m also reticent at first. And I enjoy the quiet moments and little truths. A date will always include touching if I’m enjoying it. Because when I touch, my mind encapsulates the memory and it is with me forever. In perfect clarity.

A journey anew

I have words I want to say
Words of beauty
Words of love
But I want to say them where you are
I want your ears to hear them
I want you to know that I would never harm you
That I don’t leave unless you make me
I’m only uncertain when you don’t know what you want
Tell me I’m yours and I’ll drain oceans
Let all who would hurt you know that they’d be dealing with me as well

I sing silly songs and dance with abandon which is not to say grace, but with joy

I’m looking for you, looking wherever, but make it easy… Look for me too, find me too
Let’s find each other

Let no obstacle or impedement stand in our way.

Emotional shotgun: feeling lonely during the holidays edition

I have dreamed a thousand lives and in each you are there. I’ve kissed you a thousand ways. Made love to you with word and skin. Fucked like beasts. Commanded and caressed. But in each, you will not stay. All I have learned, all the pleasures, the highs and the lows, all my knowledge I bring and still you walk away. I bare my soul and jump with my heart wide open, and still you walk away. And so I wake, because why live in the dreaming if I cannot be with you. I wake and try to find a way to another.

But I cannot get away from us. Why are you still single? Always that question. Always the answer, “That’s complicated.” Hoping they let it go, hoping to allow you to know me better before most of my secrets come spilling out.

I suppose I could lie. That’s the logical thing to do. But I can’t betray your memory. I won’t lie. So they hear a tale of sadness and pain and depression and that’s no way to get a second or third date. Yes, date.

Netflix and chill is bullshit. Even if we get to the point where sex is involved, I’m going to refer to those nights as the nights we fuck. Or better, as scene’s. Give me some emotional connection or give me a paddle in my hand. Preferably both.

A proper date. With dancing, with music, with conversation.

Fuck! You can see how bad I am. I’m all over the place even just writing about looking for a relationship.

Just shortcut it. If you like me, read me, and call me SIR and mean it. We’ll get there. Roll the dice. Make a move. My caution comes from a good place, it’s not lack of assertiveness.

Or ask me to text you, apparently I’ll ramble on and on.

Being single is bullshit

If I am romantically interested in you, then you probably, bout 90% of the time, fall into one of these 3 categories.

1. Married.
I don’t know what vibe married men and women are putting out that I seem to latch on too but really? What the fuck? I always check for the ring. Men, wear the damn ring. Married to a man, married to a woman, whatever just wear the damn ring. Stop me from doing something embarrassing. Help me out. Women, same bloody thing! The reasons are generally different for not wearing it. But I don’t want to flirt for an hour then ask you out after buying you drinks and your response is to slip the ring on. That’s not cool.

2. Not interested in cismale.
Maybe when at a bar known as a gay bar, populated by gay men, don’t be the guy that came with his girlfriend because you are a jealous asshole and didn’t want her to be hit on but still wanted a vodka cranberry.
Am I referring to a specific incident? Maybe.

Outside of that, just say not interested. Please, by the gods just say not interested. It is the least embarrassing. And straight dudes, don’t try to swing at me. It doesn’t happen often, but it doesn’t end well for you. So just don’t.

3. In a relationship.
Again just turn me down. Thanks but not interested. The quick easy let down.

There is a 4th category. The ones who are single, begin dating me then for whatever reason they go back to their ex. Ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex husband, ex wife. I wouldn’t mention it but it’s become a trend.
Of those that tell me why, it seems to come down to, “I talk about love alot and that makes them think about love and the last time they felt that way and they start talking with the ex and the history comes rushing back.” That’s damn near a direct quote. From more than one person.

3 AM thoughts

I wonder what it is like to receive my romantic attention. Is it smothering to be thought of in focus? By which I mean as a primary thought, like writing or learning. To know that I think about them when I wake up, when I sleep, and just during the day. To read my poetry that they inspire, to receive compliments and pet names, to hear the thousands of thoughts that slam into my brain.

To deal with the way my brain works, confident but always willing to read a situation as negative. Needing to be reassured of your interest until I’m completely confident in it. Needing to hear back as soon as possible. Needing to know why you aren’t available or will be gone for whatever ongoing conversation we are having.

Dealing with my rules. Dealing with my sexual appetite. With my stories about what I desire to do with and to you, then your realization that they weren’t so much stories as points of intention.

Maybe it’s all too much and the relationship just dies under the weight of communication. I try to restrain my heart, but I often fail. I try to be easy and chill but it’s not my nature. Serious and intense is my nature, though I can be silly if I feel safe. I don’t know. I guess that’s why this is bothering me at three in the morning.

Dating rules

I dislike the rule when dating to not talk about sexual stuff.  Why not cut out my tongue too? That rule precludes me from talking about half of what I write and wipes away my two longest relationships which started and were bound up in sex. I can’t talk about BDSM. For obvious reasons. I know there is a world of other things but sex is my touchstone. Talking about it makes me comfortable. Weird right? I guess we could talk about books? Or music, though not (redacted).  Those are things and I can talk about them. It’s just not natural for me to.  I know it is strange that the guy who is bored with casual sex wants to talk about sex, but not really. I mean how do you think I became bored with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just bad at small talk.  Talk serious with me.

What’s happening in my life

So I asked someone out via email, I know, tacky. But she’s on my floor at work and some discretion seemed to be in order. And she’s replied and I am sandbagging. I think that the answer is no. To be fair, I always assume that the answer will be no, just to protect myself a bit. So, I’m not opening the message yet because right now the answer could be yes. It could be enthusiastic and happy. So right now, the cat could be alive. It’s a schroedingers cat situation and I prefer that the cat be alive.

So the unboxing…

And the answer is… No.

Ah well, such is life

I should put this as my dating profile

I’m oblivious to small talk. To flirtation that is other than for fun only. Unless I’m the one to initiate, in which case I’m like the Eye of Sauron. All baleful and single minded, but still unable to pick up on clues unless I’m hit over the head with it. Kissing me is the best indicator of your interest.

What Neil Gaiman says is true of authors of all stripes. We are so far inside our own heads you really need to hit us to get our attention. For most that would be figurative, but I have strong masochistic tendencies so a kiss with you using your nails to drive the point home and you’ll have my attention. *He said with a feral grin*

Or you could just tell me point blank you’re interested. And what level that interest is. But if you think your throwing blatant signals, oh I’ll see them, but I’m likely to completely misinterpret them. As anyone who reads my thoughts here can attest to.

All gender identities are welcome. If you are into goth, emotional, poetical, romantical, logical, magical cismales. Then drop me a line. I guarantee I will over analyze whatever is said unless you tell me what you mean, want, and don’t want. *sardonic lopsided smile*

Thoughts on Online dating

Online dating feels cold to me.  I get that it is often a game.  the end goal being to meet someone you connect with.  But the people I really connect with?  They are often not the people I would intellectually choose. And that is what online dating feels like to me.  An intellectual game,  But while I am intelligent and while it is a game I can play, it feels false.  But on the other hand, I don’t do well in the bar scene, and I don’t form instant connections. Even the person I am interested in now, I didn’t see her, really see her until 3 weeks had past.

Emotional shotgun

I’ve thought about this often.  Pretty much every day to one degree or another. and I have come to the conclusion that I am just not charming. Sure, if you want to talk about the historical context of economic policies and the spread of religion, I’m your guy. Or if you would like a discussion about how time travel to kill that one historically bad guy would be a disaster, then wow would we have something to talk about.  If you want to get deep into serious discussion, I’m right there.  Or take a silly premise and just run with it.  But that whole witty banter thing, I don’t got. In a big group it may seem that I can, because I’ll interject something and it will cut to the heart of what is being discussed, but pay attention, I will then go silent again. So, I’m not charming. I have weird ideas and off tilt desires. I have virtually no shame and no filter but I’ll only dance in a crowd of strangers or after at least 3 real drinks. I’m not doing a job that screams important or changing the world, so that’s not particularly impressive. Maybe, I’m being unnecessarily cruel to my own self image. The tough part is that what seems unique and special about me seems to only exist in my past. And it is bound up in past relationships which new relationships don’t necessarily want to hear about. I’m off point.

What I think about is this: Shouldn’t it, on some level, be easy? Should not the conversation flow from topic to topic? If you’ve known me for years, then it does. But on first talking? First meeting? Only with 2 people has it been that way, One was recent but for various other reasons failed. The other was because she approached me, she saw me and said, that guy, that guys I want to know. That feeling is immensely empowering, I could go for days on that feeling. I have no real point to this. This is just a confused guy rambling in the early morning hours. I wish that I could say that I just don’t know what I want, or that I’m not ready for a relationship, or I just want to put my work first, or any of a dozen excuses to not be dating or to not even be talking to someone about talking about dating. (aside: Dating is a prelude to a relationship. It is the opening act.) (second aside: I cannot emphasize enough how the statement “I don’t date” is bullshit. Are you seeing someone in any kind of romantic or sexual context?  IT’S A DATE.  and don’t tell me that sex is not a date,  unless you are paying for it, then it’s a emotional entanglement of some kind.)

It comes to my attention that I should be talking to friends about this stuff,  but they are all married.  Have been for years. And they are not poly relationships so what would they know?  Maintaining a relationship, sure,  they have good advice there, outside of that, not so much.

This is all just frustration.  I am genuinely not good at the let’s be friends and see where it goes thing. I want to buy you roses or lilies, lilies are cool. I want to tell you that you are beautiful and that all I want is you to feel safe. I want to be the sappy romantic idiot that I am . But I can’t because that would be too serious.  What is wrong with too serious?  Take a fucking chance. We all have baggage, and I get that it hurts and that you don’t want to be hurt.  And maybe you want nothing to do with me romantically, say that,  it saves time.  I won’t be offended. I am a adult.  I know people say that then act like fools,  but I have spent most of my time working on who I am, what I want, and my emotional well being.  That leaves me deficient in the more material ares, admittedly,  But the emotional maturity, that I got.  Just tell me, I won’t be a jerk.

And maybe it won’t work out. But I won’t emotionally blackmail you or be a jerk or be cruel or mean. at least I will try my best to not be and if you tell me I am being that way will try to correct my behavior.  Hopefully, we’ll have at least some good times, and we’ll learn something for the next relationship or maybe we’ll go the distance,  but we’ll never know without that first step.

This has been another addition of Emotional shotgun, are we not entertained!