Not a cry for help
Filled with memes
One sided conversations
Trying to keep lines open
But bleeding out instead
All I’ve wanted to do was take care of you
Whether that was as a friend, a lover, or a Sir
That didn’t matter
Taking care of you makes me happy
Brings me joy
It’s not like it was one sided
I felt cared for too
Friends and a bit more
Real on your side do or die friends
I don’t understand what’s happening now
I know what’s happening, I just don’t understand it
That I can’t tell you these things hurts worse than feeling them
Maybe I’m the weirdo for accepting you into my heart with full knowledge that we may not be these things other than friends
But maybe that’s what love is
Glint of tomorrow
Transfers on contact paper
Room so cold it requires a blanket
The gift of a raven
Hints at a heat known only
Obscured by a fogged horizon
The only place for us
Parts of me fade
Disuse packs them away
Doorways close that she once demanded open
Sadness as they go
Chokes and blinds
And I’ll awake emptier than I was
The hole in my heart grows
Fed only by the barest trickle
And the falsehood of hope
I wonder if it hurts like I hurt
If this ache to speak
To be heard
builds and builds
Until the silence is broken and
All the words of inane small talk
All that’s allowed streams out
A trickle of steam and ash
I wonder if this empty pain is one I’ll get used to
Or will I break
I watched you walk away a hundred times in my mind. Steeling myself to the inevitable moment when you were gone for good. You said you were leaving. Moving on from this place of broken promises and going to a brighter future. And though I was sad, I understood. You were tied to another and what we have is but ephemeral kisses of the might have been. Had things been different. Had you chosen another Path, one we’d walk together.
But now, you’ve chosen to remain amidst reassurance that things will be different. But they won’t be. Liars lie. Emotional abusers abuse. That won’t change. Unless you’ve chosen paths I’ve advocated and you won’t because they are all dark alleys you wouldn’t travel, nor even loose me down.
So, you’ll stay, so close and ever distant. Because staying is easier than going. Because comfortable is easier than more and scary.
I’ve let you go. But my heart, foolish thing, only thinks that now at least, there may be a chance. But I know, it’s not to be. Much as I wish it otherwise. Love is bastard. Always complicated. Always just beyond reach.
Let my words caress as I cannot
Asleep, on a blanket, beneath Autumn sky
No chance I’ll stop liking you, girl
You are never far from my thoughts
This cavalcade of days, needing you more
Days without you, not worth the time
An impossible hope coupled to impossible choices.
Wish it as simple
As, we met and fell in love
I’ve stated before that I find sex comfortable. It’s easy, like breathing. At least now, at least for me. I’m good at many aspects of it, could use some improvement in others. Always be learning. But that’s not really my point. I say it to merely frame it because what I mean to say could be construed as lack of or being bad at sex.
It’s not the orgasm or the sex or all the varieties of kink I enjoy. Though kink is going to hold my attention longer. No, at the base level it’s being with someone who shares an outlook. Be they geek, book nerd, writer, poet, Sub to my Master, or musician. Its that sharing that draws me, and much as I enjoy the physical side of such relationships, it is the mental side that is the most interesting.
And sometimes on the physical side, I don’t need sex. If my partner needs it, then I will express myself in that language. But for me, sometimes I just want to hold them, to demonstrate that I have them. That they are safe, cared for, cherished. And yes loved, though that can take time to develop.
It’s odd, right? All the connection in the world without compatible sexual views and at most you have a friendship. All the sexual chemistry without the mental component and at best a fuck buddy. It takes the two aspects together to make it more. And the way I seem to want to express that is to hold them. To keep them safe. Its an odd realization that me keeping my partner safe is the way I choose as the most caring. Or perhaps not given aspects of my past.