I want to fill my head with noise
Just a cacophony of sound so I don’t have to think
Just a minute to stop
A mask for pain
Something to keep my eyes clear
No blurry vision
No cloudy pictures
Feeling alone feels like giving up
Get to know your own company they say
But you can’t turn and share a book with yourself
Can’t listen to a particular piece of music
Can’t sing a silly song you made up on the spot
Maybe I’ll be good at this on some future tomorrow
But I doubt it
I want too much
I want all
I’ve been the possible
I’ve seen the chances
How can I go back to the alone?
I’ve come too far to accept that
If it were a year ago, I would be without reservation. I would be full ahead, all in, how to get from here to there hardcore planning and presentation. It is the unfortunate case that the me of a year ago is gone. He had a bit more faith, a bit more naivete(if that term can be applied to someone as old hat as I).
Truthfully, I miss him. He would have stormed the gates of heaven for the hint of what now may be.
That’s not to say that I’m not overwhelmingly intrigued and even hopeful. Just that now, I’m cautious. People have burned me on hoping before. And while I don’t think that will happen here, it may not work out. That would be disappointing but little would change, I think.
I’m cautiously optimistic. I think we have a good shot. But slowly and coming into each other’s lives, not the headlong rush that has been so destructive in the past. In a way, I’m just talking myself into slow. Because the gods know, I’m much more comfortable with jumping.
This as a possibility I would never have guessed. Amazing. The world is still a beautiful surprise.
The full weight of ponder
A kiss turned to wonder
Hope turns to dreaming
Shake me awake
Dreams come to nothing
Or pull me forward
Hold in arms
The feel of head on shoulder
Hearts beating faster
Hopes can’t be denied
I would die a thousand deaths
If I could hold you in my arms
As I slipped away
I would live a thousand lives
If I could live them by your side
I would fight a thousand battles
If I could keep you from harm
I would watch your back a thousand thousand times
As you fought the battles I could not see
These thoughts as I lay awake dreaming
In this empty bed
In this too quiet room
As in finery
The blank thrust of empty sky
A bowl of promises
My hand reaches out
Words ground down smooth
And all that
If I could be but memory
Or shadowed kiss
Slink slow across nerve endings
Make each moment last
Our futures unwritten
We’ll write it together
Love makes us fool’s, may I never be so wise that I fail to take a chance on love.
Love makes us blind, may I never see so clearly that perception keeps me from my loves arms.
Love makes us reckless, may I never be so cautious that I fail to risk little to win all.
Love is worth pain, worth bad choices, worth the how can I have been so stupid moments.
It is worth the risk. It is worth the effort.
Relationships are not easy. People are involved so how could they be? But where there is love, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is a chance.
I have two scenarios in mind when I am with someone. There is the ideal. Which is that we are together and spend our lives in the band between content and happy. We express our love out loud and without reservation. We are words and deeds and compromise. I have no illusions that we won’t fight. But I hope we can get through the fights with grace. And find peace and passion in each other. I want the thousand little things that make up a life.
And the second scenario? I hope that we are honest with each other. That we both get what we need, for now. Even if we are not going to be in each other’s lives forever, I hope that we make each other’s lives better while we are. And when it ends I hope we part as friends and not enemies. There is enough pain in endings without adding bitterness and regret.
And when the shadows bleed away
I’m left with all I want to say
These tattered dreams
these hopes made clear
bound down and weighted by all I fear
(note: not about anyone. I love you, GMH.)
wonder if you’re gentle
Would kiss with tenderness to match fierceness
Are you as lonely as you seem
Take refuge in my arms
To wonder or is it wish?
At long days ending
To hear your heart against mine
And spring forth, joyous
From long embrace