Resonant on the frequency of attenuation

Listening to the background hum
Silence an impenetrable barrier
Hear the rush of blood
Muted cotton closing in
Numb
One too many traumas
Like shock but with less bemusement
Everything normal saying it’s anything but
Something shattered can be mended
Something broken can be healed
Gilt gold edges fixing cracks
But missing,
Or dust and shadows
Complicated makes one long for false rainbows of simpler times
False memories easier than this sound
Of nothing

The Sky crys the tears I am unable to

To justify my love
having been told so often that it can’t be
that it’s too soon
I find myself in a constant war of justification where I say “I love you…”
waiting for the rejection
waiting for the no
waiting for the hesitation that says your love is scary
and I say
in that forced brittle cheer of the beaten
and all flinches “…but I love everybody.”
which is sorta true
I love all the people I love and have ever loved
but I diminish my words
scrunch down to make them fit
this too small container of what is acceptable
I’m the broken one for my love
I’m the tragic fool for my open heart
it’s always too soon
until it’s too late

Train Whistle

So I have two simultaneous tracks of thoughts running right now and they go like this
Shouts, “Fuck!”

But with different inflections
On the one hand the job I thought I had is vanishing faster than sand in a windstorm. I might as well be standing on the tarmac as it goes flying by while the pilot Shouts, “No really, I have nothing to hide.” Which, as we all know is code for, I have things to hide. And the more it’s repeated, the more we know that the thing you’re hiding is deep and dark.

And on the other hand, I’m excited and anticipatory but apprehensive too. Because, I know it’ll go OK but I also know that I tend to go silent when I’m nervous and when there’s nothing to lose, I’m on top of the world but then I start thinking, and that churn begins. That overthinking and the litany of failure and all my friends saying that’s great but I don’t want you to get hurt and I smile and say I understand when I just want to say too late.

But
It’ll be fine right?
My life isn’t a pointless series of days where people I love leave me and I’m way too much for anyone, everyone else. My dad’s fine and it’s probably not cancer and even though he’s gotten more conservative than sane Republicans, I’m not ready to lose him.

Did I say 2 tracks?
I must have lost count.

Stress dreams

Waking up sleepy
Sleep brings dreams
Dreams that feel real
Real like a life not being lived
Living in ways that I’m not
Not happy with what is happening
What happens when you wake without
Without that connection to someone
Someone you thought
Thought was forever
More than a friend
Friendship led deeper
Deep into companionship
Companions who loved
Love doesn’t mean together
Together romantically at least
Least among equals
Equality of choices
Choices I made hoping for you at my side
Side by side in companionship

I never thought we’d end up together
But I did think that we would be more
Than the past heights
Echoing forward
Losing coherence

If we wake, let us wake together

I am thirst spent in moments spellbound
Hunger grows without regard
Desirous of your touch
But more your words

Come softly away
Embrace in person
Forever
Know words spilled out
For silver truth

Match action
Clasp hands
Know me for truth

You are mine forever
As I am yours
Let us join
and become heirs
to our own Joy

Let what was once buried
Break newly sprung
Come my dear goddess
Let us rejoice

Clasp hands and become whole

Melancholic musings

I feel old. Like time and chance have passed me by and now I am just marking time. That I’m just waiting for my last hopes and dreams to die. I think about the things I’ve done and the fortune I pissed away by living way higher than I should. I think about the double lives and lies of my youth and the requisite silence that surround those years. About how there are none now alive who I can talk with about those times. I think about the memories that haunt me. The failures most of all. My failure to protect those in my care before I even formed the philosophy that makes their care a mandate. My failure to see the wrecking ball coming and the last remnants of a life wiped away when the soft beep of the heart monitor drones out the long flat noise off all days fled.
My failure to fly to your side when you needed me. My failure to anticipate the need to take things a little further.

I’ve had triumphs. But they only serve to highlight what I could do if I were on top of my problems. That’s probably too harsh but it’s what I feel right now. I often think that if you dare to love me, that is the worst mistake you could make. Because all who’ve loved me either die or see their lives thrown into chaos. Not by my hand but still, it always seems to happen.

And I find myself deeply, hopelessly in love and loved and I watch as, helpless, things continue to contrive to keep us apart. Is the universe that much of a bastard? All I know is that I won’t walk away from you and that I will do all that I can to get to you.

For the first time in a long time, I am bending all I have to a task. Let’s hope that it works out.

Muscle memory

My heart rips it’s way out of my chest
It flies away east, looking for her

It’s filled with the dark loving of her
Too heavy to make the journey
But Hope’s foolish song
Pulls it forward

I watch it wing away
Stuck rooted to the ground by the sure knowledge
That it won’t work
That there’s no ending that starts with sweeping her off her feet

But all I can do is watch
Blood patters to the thirsty earth
Chest hollow
No longer filled with even the wanting

I watch
And pray
Though I don’t pray
But hope loudly
To whatever power
Laughs it’s way through my life

I pray
That my heart will find her
And be safe

Or else
Die on the journey

A heart surfaces

I am too old to breathe and too old to die
So this leaves me where but between
Lost in a seethe of lie
Strike me from my bones
Break pieces
As morsel eat
Until all consumed
I may pass on
Or give me over to fires embrace
One last or is it first passion
A lover who at least knows her worth
Pick glass out of wounds long closed
Like memories pulling free
So short a life consumed in smallest
Motions
A drifter encased in a life of choices fallen to dust
Pause to inhale but is it life or just a slipping of darkness into day
Bound by our shackles forged in persuit
And struck round until freedom is as foreign as love.

Super power? 

I have many geek friends and I get asked the question, “If you could have a super power what would it be?” 

I usually say teleportation, because who wouldn’t want to be able to just go anywhere whenever. But, I was thinking and I think I want this one more, it’s nontraditional but then, so am I. 

I think I want to be able to see an aura around the people who are interested in being with me. Obviously, there would be fluctuations but when I reveal things that matter and you no longer are interested, at least then I’d know. And I’d be able to ask out people without first telling myself that they are going to say no, so in asking, you will have lost nothing. The calculus of being single.

Hello depression, where’ve you been?

Sleep deprivation slowly erodes joy and hope until I’m left with nothing but a thin thread of possible tomorrow. Which, in this state, I see for a game of liars poker. The only desire I have is to hold my love in my arms and sleep. But I’m alone and even dreams betray me. Lost amidst the strewn rubble of could have been. Wandering in a maze built from my own false turnings.