I am thirst spent in moments spellbound
Hunger grows without regard
Desirous of your touch
But more your words
Come softly away
Embrace in person
Know words spilled out
For silver truth
Know me for truth
You are mine forever
As I am yours
Let us join
and become heirs
to our own Joy
Let what was once buried
Break newly sprung
Come my dear goddess
Let us rejoice
Clasp hands and become whole
I feel old. Like time and chance have passed me by and now I am just marking time. That I’m just waiting for my last hopes and dreams to die. I think about the things I’ve done and the fortune I pissed away by living way higher than I should. I think about the double lives and lies of my youth and the requisite silence that surround those years. About how there are none now alive who I can talk with about those times. I think about the memories that haunt me. The failures most of all. My failure to protect those in my care before I even formed the philosophy that makes their care a mandate. My failure to see the wrecking ball coming and the last remnants of a life wiped away when the soft beep of the heart monitor drones out the long flat noise off all days fled.
My failure to fly to your side when you needed me. My failure to anticipate the need to take things a little further.
I’ve had triumphs. But they only serve to highlight what I could do if I were on top of my problems. That’s probably too harsh but it’s what I feel right now. I often think that if you dare to love me, that is the worst mistake you could make. Because all who’ve loved me either die or see their lives thrown into chaos. Not by my hand but still, it always seems to happen.
And I find myself deeply, hopelessly in love and loved and I watch as, helpless, things continue to contrive to keep us apart. Is the universe that much of a bastard? All I know is that I won’t walk away from you and that I will do all that I can to get to you.
For the first time in a long time, I am bending all I have to a task. Let’s hope that it works out.
My heart rips it’s way out of my chest
It flies away east, looking for her
It’s filled with the dark loving of her
Too heavy to make the journey
But Hope’s foolish song
Pulls it forward
I watch it wing away
Stuck rooted to the ground by the sure knowledge
That it won’t work
That there’s no ending that starts with sweeping her off her feet
But all I can do is watch
Blood patters to the thirsty earth
No longer filled with even the wanting
Though I don’t pray
But hope loudly
To whatever power
Laughs it’s way through my life
That my heart will find her
And be safe
Die on the journey
I am too old to breathe and too old to die
So this leaves me where but between
Lost in a seethe of lie
Strike me from my bones
As morsel eat
Until all consumed
I may pass on
Or give me over to fires embrace
One last or is it first passion
A lover who at least knows her worth
Pick glass out of wounds long closed
Like memories pulling free
So short a life consumed in smallest
A drifter encased in a life of choices fallen to dust
Pause to inhale but is it life or just a slipping of darkness into day
Bound by our shackles forged in persuit
And struck round until freedom is as foreign as love.
I have many geek friends and I get asked the question, “If you could have a super power what would it be?”
I usually say teleportation, because who wouldn’t want to be able to just go anywhere whenever. But, I was thinking and I think I want this one more, it’s nontraditional but then, so am I.
I think I want to be able to see an aura around the people who are interested in being with me. Obviously, there would be fluctuations but when I reveal things that matter and you no longer are interested, at least then I’d know. And I’d be able to ask out people without first telling myself that they are going to say no, so in asking, you will have lost nothing. The calculus of being single.
Sleep deprivation slowly erodes joy and hope until I’m left with nothing but a thin thread of possible tomorrow. Which, in this state, I see for a game of liars poker. The only desire I have is to hold my love in my arms and sleep. But I’m alone and even dreams betray me. Lost amidst the strewn rubble of could have been. Wandering in a maze built from my own false turnings.
Its never enough. People either love you or they don’t and no matter how much you love them, how much you need to be the person to hold them, how much you want to protect them or keep them safe, it is never enough to change their minds. You could be amazing, intelligent, honorable and trustworthy. You could be learned and skilled in areas both carnal and not. And it still doesn’t matter. At the end of the night, they wave goodbye and walk into the arms of another. Or stand at such distance that, like an Escher painting, you never get closer.
I dreamed I was living in the City. This time it was a combination of New York and Seattle. I was on an extended vacation. I had been spending more and more time there. I was there with my friend KJ and with Jessica, who was in my last dream. KJ and Jessica were living there. I was there for 3 weeks. I was crashing with Jessica because there’s no way I afford a hotel for that long. We would talk and hang out. We were at a open floor bar having mojitos, my favorite vacation drink. I confessed my intention to move to the City. Jessica told me about a job interview where the position was with a small company. The boss was the interviewer and he was a oversharer. He was demonstrating his singing for some reason and she laughed with incredulity. He got red faced angry and kicked her out.
She said it was expensive to live there. We drank our drinks and walked out. I glanced away for a second and they were both gone. KJ, I expected him to wander off. But when she disappeared it like I became lost in the city minutes before I had felt at home enough that I wanted to stay. Then my calf siezed in a Charlie horse and I woke up.
Why follow me
Lead through the mists of my own dissolution, disillusion
Lost in the loves I can’t quite reach
The ones never quite enough
Like a pincushion of blades
Each support the other
Pull one to watch me fall apart
Watch me as I eat my feelings
All to keep me from buying that shotgun
And finally going through with silent plans
I can only lead you to dark places
Where cries and screaming, sobs
Break the too still silence
And that’s on a good day
When planning fails to give way to plotting
It’s not a solution, but it is, isn’t it
When you believe in a afterlife and you won’t be judged for walking away
It’s the peace of not being
But I have my fear to keep me here
My fear that I am seconds from finding her or him and I just need to stick it out
They say you have to love yourself first, well I like myself, love maybe but here’s the thing about they say
THEY don’t know shit
Time heals all wounds? Bullshit spouted by the delusional and the optimistic that have never been wounded deeply.
There’s someone for everyone? What if my someone is dead or speaks Mandarin and lives in rural China? Bullshit
It’s a cakewalk of platitudes when you’re looking for answers
Or maybe just a place to lay your head
And a hand to hold, lips to kiss
And words to say