I would shape the world for her but I have lost my chisel and I don’t know how to dance
A song plays in the distance half remembered
A tune made for embrace
Mist whispers asking for one more minute
One last twirl across the faded turf
The stone looms and I can only look up forlorn
A place to stand all I asked for
Thinking myself strong enough to forge the lever
By will and bone
In this empty mist morning
I can only regret
Crying out of the still dawn sky
I find myself dry
Wondering if I the faith I feel I’ve lost
Is a faith in a greater good
Or the pain
Of your faith
Lost in me
When given social permissions to be myself I don’t do constraint or what is termed normal. I’m poetry and flowers and that tea you mentioned in passing that one time. I’m kisses and touches and tears. I’m telling friends that I love them and music, and songs made up and sung right there.
I’m either locked down or free and I don’t know how to be else. And I don’t know that I want to be.
So if you see me smiling for no reason or catch me with tears in my eyes or, on extremely rare occasion, complimenting some random stranger then walking away. Be happy. You’ve caught a rare glimpse past my shell. Something few ever see.
In joy and in pain I, like most of us, am hidden. A false front. A city of doors. A maze without end.
And sometimes…often…I feel so lost
These painted flower memories
Time after time
Bright and shining and lifeless
Just one more time
One more turn of the wheel
These not quite lies
Movies playing in the heart until the brain
This is what was
This is what will be
Painted pictures making truths
Until the eyes see
The mirror reflects
And what was
What will be
One more I love you
Before I sleep
What’s that even mean?
Nothing wakes in the palace of death
Where lives break and hearts die
From a river of blood
The leprous moon
Bays its children home
Light fades in the eyes of those chosen
Each turn and turnabout
Quiet burns away
Time leeches the bright sun
Skies open in smiles
And nothing that was
Survives the wind whipped
Savage knives turned into
Before the last tear falls
Go home to the empty
To a night filled with silence
“Have a fun weekend”, they say
All I have is this job and these words
Too heavy to bear
These weights forgiven
Tears too heavy
Fall from a single eye
Only one still able to cry
Edge of the map
Here be monsters
I don’t do well in the vacuum of knowledge. Not knowing why’s and reasons and thoughts eats away at me. “I’ll tell you later,” in all its variations is a cancer eating away at me in the narrow dark before the first rays of light. Or the variations of actions taken with no explanation as to why. Both cause their problems.
I know that I don’t express it. I know that I accept what information is given and keep going. But what else can I do? Demand more information than they are willing to give? Life isn’t so easy.
And I find myself in a predicament where my skills and experience is not easily seen. And I’m not the best when confronted with questions I haven’t thought about. Unless it’s asked by someone I trust, then it’s honesty and Intuition. So how do I sell my skills which are not evident by degrees or certification when I need a few minutes alone to formulate a response.
I don’t know what to do. I keep going forward with the gnawing feeling of impending failure and the thought that success might be just as bad. Looking for a way sideways or out but not finding it.
And still, those thoughts that more information would make me feel safe permeate and batter defenses which isolate me even more.
Retreat into silence
Into noise, cacophony
So loud that one disappears
No one hears
“You’ve got this”
Head in hands
When we speak from a position of strength, we forget that not everyone has the same privilege. Without a calm place to stand, without stability, there is no safe place to strike out from. It is the most fundamental human need.
Safety and security is more than a good neighborhood or a job. It is the sure thought that tomorrow and for the foreseeable future, there will be enough to eat, there will be a home that does not itself contain dangers, and despite what problems may be thrown at us, we will have a support system of people and seeable graspable opportunities which insure our continued lives and futures.
Most of us don’t have that. At best we have 2 of the 3 and hope that in some far off unknowable future we will be able to start planning for more than today. Most of us won’t make it to that future.
We are stuck on a ferris wheel which we stepped onto, all naive and full of dreams, hoping and thinking that tomorrow will be better. And that’s the best case, many were forced into darker alleys and worse choices by main circumstances.
How do we make it out? As a people, as humanity, how do we stop breaking the hearts and minds of our people just to perpetuate systems which promote the continuous devolution to barbarism.
I don’t know. And it’s hard to think of how to do so. I’m not safe. And it’s only because my broken heart and mind won’t allow me to sleep, that I’m able to get out even these words. All the while, wracked by doubt and worry and fear, thinking about the morning. When it all starts up again.