Muscle memory

My heart rips it’s way out of my chest
It flies away east, looking for her

It’s filled with the dark loving of her
Too heavy to make the journey
But Hope’s foolish song
Pulls it forward

I watch it wing away
Stuck rooted to the ground by the sure knowledge
That it won’t work
That there’s no ending that starts with sweeping her off her feet

But all I can do is watch
Blood patters to the thirsty earth
Chest hollow
No longer filled with even the wanting

I watch
And pray
Though I don’t pray
But hope loudly
To whatever power
Laughs it’s way through my life

I pray
That my heart will find her
And be safe

Or else
Die on the journey

A heart surfaces

I am too old to breathe and too old to die
So this leaves me where but between
Lost in a seethe of lie
Strike me from my bones
Break pieces
As morsel eat
Until all consumed
I may pass on
Or give me over to fires embrace
One last or is it first passion
A lover who at least knows her worth
Pick glass out of wounds long closed
Like memories pulling free
So short a life consumed in smallest
Motions
A drifter encased in a life of choices fallen to dust
Pause to inhale but is it life or just a slipping of darkness into day
Bound by our shackles forged in persuit
And struck round until freedom is as foreign as love.

Super power? 

I have many geek friends and I get asked the question, “If you could have a super power what would it be?” 

I usually say teleportation, because who wouldn’t want to be able to just go anywhere whenever. But, I was thinking and I think I want this one more, it’s nontraditional but then, so am I. 

I think I want to be able to see an aura around the people who are interested in being with me. Obviously, there would be fluctuations but when I reveal things that matter and you no longer are interested, at least then I’d know. And I’d be able to ask out people without first telling myself that they are going to say no, so in asking, you will have lost nothing. The calculus of being single.

Hello depression, where’ve you been?

Sleep deprivation slowly erodes joy and hope until I’m left with nothing but a thin thread of possible tomorrow. Which, in this state, I see for a game of liars poker. The only desire I have is to hold my love in my arms and sleep. But I’m alone and even dreams betray me. Lost amidst the strewn rubble of could have been. Wandering in a maze built from my own false turnings.

Fresh squeezed heart, Now with more pulp

Its never enough. People either love you or they don’t and no matter how much you love them, how much you need to be the person to hold them, how much you want to protect them or keep them safe, it is never enough to change their minds. You could be amazing, intelligent, honorable and trustworthy. You could be learned and skilled in areas both carnal and not. And it still doesn’t matter. At the end of the night, they wave goodbye and walk into the arms of another. Or stand at such distance that, like an Escher painting, you never get closer.

Dream on a lazy Sunday

I dreamed I was living in the City. This time it was a combination of New York and Seattle. I was on an extended vacation. I had been spending more and more time there. I was there with my friend KJ and with Jessica, who was in my last dream. KJ and Jessica were living there. I was there for 3 weeks. I was crashing with Jessica because there’s no way I afford a hotel for that long. We would talk and hang out. We were at a open floor bar having mojitos, my favorite vacation drink. I confessed my intention to move to the City. Jessica told me about a job interview where the position was with a small company. The boss was the interviewer and he was a oversharer. He was demonstrating his singing for some reason and she laughed with incredulity. He got red faced angry and kicked her out.
She said it was expensive to live there. We drank our drinks and walked out. I glanced away for a second and they were both gone. KJ, I expected him to wander off. But when she disappeared it like I became lost in the city minutes before I had felt at home enough that I wanted to stay. Then my calf siezed in a Charlie horse and I woke up.

Emotional shotgun: Poetry edition

Why follow me

Lead through the mists of my own dissolution, disillusion
Lost in the loves I can’t quite reach
The ones never quite enough

Like a pincushion of blades
Each support the other
Pull one to watch me fall apart

Watch me as I eat my feelings
All to keep me from buying that shotgun
And finally going through with silent plans

Follow me?
I can only lead you to dark places
Where cries and screaming, sobs
Break the too still silence

And that’s on a good day
When planning fails to give way to plotting
It’s not a solution, but it is, isn’t it

When you believe in a afterlife and you won’t be judged for walking away
It’s the peace of not being

But I have my fear to keep me here
My fear that I am seconds from finding her or him and I just need to stick it out

They say you have to love yourself first, well I like myself, love maybe but here’s the thing about they say

THEY don’t know shit
Time heals all wounds? Bullshit spouted by the delusional and the optimistic that have never been wounded deeply.

There’s someone for everyone? What if my someone is dead or speaks Mandarin and lives in rural China? Bullshit

It’s a cakewalk of platitudes when you’re looking for answers
Or maybe just a place to lay your head
And a hand to hold, lips to kiss
And words to say

Snuffed out

She stills my heart with the slightest look
Stirring my blood with a grin
Her words warm and light a fire within
But we are never to be

We danced the flame
The illusion
Only you were ever safe
With each step my heart cut to ribbons
To adorn you in my love

Pull away
Dragging the pieces of me out
Last attempt to get a stay
Execution and the pain
Sadly, better than the emptiness of never was

Thoughts that spill tears

I haven’t been to sleep in 24 hours
And I can feel the sluggish nature of my thoughts, but I think I’d be OK if I never slept again. Because when I sleep I dream and I remember my dreams. I’m aware in them. And often I’m with someone who loves me. It’s not Morgan anymore. I don’t know who they are. I just know that they wait for me beyond the veil of sleep. They accept and love me for all of me, my flaws, everything that I am. And that’s great but I leave them. I wake and I’m torn away from them over and over. I don’t know how long I can endure that. So not sleeping seems the better course, but I feel like I could be betraying them by staying away. What if they are as real as I am and they wait for me? What if we’re both just searching and this is what we’ve found. It’s both insane and sad when I write it out, but that’s who I am right now. A sad, lonely writer, dreaming of something he had, that it seems he’ll never have again. Madness seams a refuge in that case.