I have hope.
I’ve actually been very lucky this last year. I’ve had some amazing opportunities and, though they didn’t work out, they have made me realize that I am someone who others value and want to spend time with. I’ve spent a good portion of my life feeling like a failure. That by my failure to see the future, I don’t deserve to have a future. It’s been a long road from that to now. And I’m really a better person for that journey. I’ve learned how to work through and cope with major heartbreak. I have found love for some and with some amazing people who I hope will be in my life as I journey forward. I’m still looking for my romantic partner or partners and know that there is a chance when I thought it would never be possible.
While I was with her I could convince myself I wasn’t in love
Because if I was in love I would lose her
As I’ve lost all those I dared love
Some would point to the one person I walked away from, but she betrayed us. She decided she liked me to chase her more than she liked having me. Always a step further, a step away, chase harder when I was already running full speed.
But back to the point, intellectually I know that if we’re not right then one or both should decide and move on. But emotionally? It feels like a dull echo of when Morgan died. Like I’m being left, lost and forlorn. Which, let’s face it, isn’t very attractive since it leads to bad decisions. There is a series of scenes in the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray is wooing Andy McDowell and after the initial good play thru he fucks up by trying too hard, you can feel the desperation. Thankfully, I only have that problem when I think the relationship is slowing down, perhaps ending. But that’s a problem in and of itself, it accelerates the decline if it was going that way or plants the idea that if I think it’s ending maybe there is a real reason (maybe but generally it’s in my head). I guess that’s my next project, learning not to hold on so tightly that I strangle the relationship. It really never ends, the human brain is the ultimate fixer upper.