Drowning drip by drip

Dreams bring no rest
Only mysteries
Dystopian
Running in place
Lost a still yearning
Broken piece jigsaw
Death and lies until all jumbled
Breakdown
Lasts words turn to wet sand
Dribble out of mouth
Painful lost hope living
Rejected solutions
Yes’s and no’s
Plans for the future
Waiting for that rejection
That always comes
Faith broken
Steel plate fallen away
What’s a real relationship anyway

Hopping bird takes wing

Lyrics yet to be sung struggle out
Yearning to quiver and shake
Swallowing back syllables
No voice loud enough to be heard
Stifled
Fighting for breathe
Pleading eyes
Begging to be known
That distant air
Promises made
Always one more to keep
One more to make whole
Distant thunder
Storm blessed
Sky drawn
Woken anew and shift gold
Breaks broken
Arrows flown true
Time for us
One more turn on the wheel

A heart as sharp as a knife

Fear crests in the heart
New
And maybe
And failure that is unacceptable
Crescendo of the possibility
The hope that breathes reality
Unsteady from the dream
The click
Click
Click
Of dominos falling
Of standing stone portents
Of stars weeping and impacts
Shaking the world
What will be
May be
And how to handle the logistical reality
While the heart screams
YES
And runs headlong into the future
The mind plotting paths
Hoping for a few more resources
But building as fast as possible
No schism
Heart and head are goal oriented
Looking towards the long-term truth
That future where need and desire and real talk
Manifest into real arms
Real lips
Safety and shelter
In being seen
Known
And chosen

Hard to build a future on the too live sea

I can’t let go; It’s a problem
Or it’s not; I don’t know
There are those won’t ever leave
Even if we’re never together
They are mine
Even if I’m not theirs

Does that mean that I’m too tethered to the past to move forward
I don’t think so
I hope not
Even though I ache with the thought of somehow moving out beyond their ability to call me back

These aren’t beautiful words or artful phrases
Just a baring of heart and soul
It’d be simpler if I could hide behind the lilt of wordplay
I just don’t have the energy to do so

When I love, I love complete, complex
And with gleeful discovery
And when I’m without
Never without love
Without partner
I don’t know
Sometimes I become stronger and more able to take the world on
And sometimes I’m just a small boat on a infinite ocean
Seaworthy but at any given moment, taking on water

I suppose I’m just a shifting sands dancer
And lately I’ve lost the song

Just thinking as fall dawns

Things in my life are, oddly, going right. And I’m kinda lost. Cause for the longest time I’ve been struggling to find some light and now that things have resolved into a picture of maybe and almost and yes and huh, I’m not sure how to deal. Like I’m a ninja warrior at depression and pain. That shit I have handled and can work through. And the unbearable happiness of the new relationship, I know that too because it feels like falling apart and that’s stopping. Love now feels like walking into a moon drenched night full of wonder and the possible. Like heat after being nearly frozen. No simple maybe someday but here and now.

So for the first time in a long time, I’m lost. And not lost in my pain or in some bleak landscape of never gonna be but lost in where things go without the dramatic pose of pain and open wounds.

Darkness and shadows still war in me and poetry is still flowing. But I’m not drowning. And that’s new.

I’d like to know why but equally don’t want to break the spell. And while I want more than I have, I can see a future where I may have all that I want, and how do I deal with that? Or is it that having all that one desires, it then becomes a struggle to hold on.

I suppose the inclination is to hold ground but I know that doesn’t work. I’ll keep evolving. Adding new pieces. New thoughts. Anything else seems to lead to the slow death. Growing is the only way to hold.

Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken

Pollen laden bees dot the ground

Fell asleep tired and woke up to the buzz
You know it’s coming
It always was
Delicious delusion makes way for real
Sweet summer thoughts have no place in a winter heart
Honor like lead weights drowning
Unshed tears and accelerated heartbeat
Sadness of the lack
Standing tall
Bent like a reed inside
The minds a contortionist
Wrapping itself around its own needs and desire
Calling them real
Before they burst in cut glass shatter
Pieces embedded deep in open wounds
Made and remade
Lost in dreams of might have been