Aimless contemplation

I keep waking up
Can’t tell if it’s the waking that’s the problem
Or the songs playing in my head
About being as in love with you as I am
Or declaiming that I’m the freak of the fall
No words for the possible
Those roads all look so promising before you walk them
No certainty
Wish I could just enjoy the journey
When I’m in it
I do
But outside
In Contemplation
I know too many endings
Like pain that echos back from the future
As if pain can cross space/time
Finding a way to me before it happens
Friend tells me I’m kind not sweet
Finally a truth I can accept
Say I’m a shameless flirt
Not out of aimless play
But my heart tries
Even when my mind can’t see
Can’t help who I am
Even when who I am keeps falling in love
And coming out the other side
Charred and broken

Pollen laden bees dot the ground

Fell asleep tired and woke up to the buzz
You know it’s coming
It always was
Delicious delusion makes way for real
Sweet summer thoughts have no place in a winter heart
Honor like lead weights drowning
Unshed tears and accelerated heartbeat
Sadness of the lack
Standing tall
Bent like a reed inside
The minds a contortionist
Wrapping itself around its own needs and desire
Calling them real
Before they burst in cut glass shatter
Pieces embedded deep in open wounds
Made and remade
Lost in dreams of might have been

Only truth, always truth

I provide certainty
Because I am certain

I provide commands
Because through order
You are safe

I provide discipline
Because through punishment
Are sins expiated

These are the things that people see
But, while important, these things are merely surface
They are the barest glimpse of what we are

You are mine
I am yours
Always by your side
A whisper in your ear
A kiss on your lips
A conversation
A song
Every word a truth

I wake to thoughts of you
I sleep to thoughts of you
Every step is a step forward
To you

We see with hearts wide open-3

Surrounded by hearts in mending
Gold seams in broken veins
Pain and pleasure in the taking
But gathered her gently
Woken him fiercely
And all of us joined
In laughter, in lust, in desire
And compromise
All truths spoken and laid bare
Emotions riding the air
Love seeking and binding
A hope everlasting

When words are too uncertain

These cold lonely days with nothing
but time and hope
These words that bubble up and want to drip out
but lips clamp closed
These feelings that speak of desire
But already way out on a limb
Should hands let go and fall
Or does gravity and fluid dynamics dictate this uncertainty
A symptom
Of being unworthy
Held back by hands forged from my own skin
Held down by actions echoing forward
Prepared for nothing
Dreams left empty
Behind eyelids
Too painful to cry
Or speak

Seeing with soft eyes and open heart

If it were a year ago, I would be without reservation. I would be full ahead, all in, how to get from here to there hardcore planning and presentation. It is the unfortunate case that the me of a year ago is gone. He had a bit more faith, a bit more naivete(if that term can be applied to someone as old hat as I).
Truthfully, I miss him. He would have stormed the gates of heaven for the hint of what now may be.

That’s not to say that I’m not overwhelmingly intrigued and even hopeful. Just that now, I’m cautious. People have burned me on hoping before. And while I don’t think that will happen here, it may not work out. That would be disappointing but little would change, I think.

I’m cautiously optimistic. I think we have a good shot. But slowly and coming into each other’s lives, not the headlong rush that has been so destructive in the past. In a way, I’m just talking myself into slow. Because the gods know, I’m much more comfortable with jumping.

This as a possibility I would never have guessed. Amazing. The world is still a beautiful surprise.

The unclenched fist

Think me tumultuous youth
Squandered on the fractious knowing
Light obscured by the slowly melting wind
Grain by grain
Moved on
Left in a cage of grief
Woke
Too old too young too knowing
Jagged and removed
Exposed
Jangle of nervousness
Anger and disappointment
What could have been
What choices led to this
Giving up
Tension runs out
Cut strings
Where to go
When there’s nothing left
And no reason to act
Forgotten
In the deep muffled echoes
Waiting for a word
Of warning

What falls follows

I would die a thousand deaths
If I could hold you in my arms
As I slipped away
I would live a thousand lives
If I could live them by your side
I would fight a thousand battles
If I could keep you from harm
I would watch your back a thousand thousand times
As you fought the battles I could not see

These thoughts as I lay awake dreaming
In this empty bed
In this too quiet room
Without you