thinking

Realization catalyst

PelgrisLeave a comment

Life is a interesting place. In the last week I’ve been forced to confront some things. Basically, I have never considered myself to be attractive. If someone is with me I assume it is because of my personality or my art or my dominance. I assume that my physicality enters into it lightly. I’m tall. I’m dark. Two out of three right?

But then someone called me fucking beautiful. Those were her words. I didn’t trust them. I don’t trust compliments, mostly. So I asked someone who would know. A good friend who used to be more than that. I asked her and she said yeah, I can say that you are fucking beautiful and she got into specifics. Keeping in mind I told her it was in reference to me physically not emotionally, intellectually, or artistically. She got specific and I went… Oh.

Huh. I don’t think of myself in those terms. I’ve felt a lot of rejection based on the physical. And I internalized it. So I never concentrated on it. I’ve worked on my emotions and my art and expanded my experience.

And I’ve been told I have a good voice and I thought that’s just how my recorded voice sounds. But I asked people who know me in person and apparently, soothing and darkly heavy was the conclusion. So now I have to, if I trust these opinions, and I do. I have to incorporate that truth into my self image. And it’s honestly a bit freeing.

Now, I’m not perfect so it’s not like knowing there are very attractive people who find me attractive is going to go to my head but it’s nice to know.

A lifetime of thinking one way gets blown out of the water in one short week. Life, it’s a funny old thing.

Not too revelatory

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I noticed this for the first time today. It’s something I knew. But something I just took on faith. That of course that is how I see it. And it’s a pretty simple revelation. If realizing that the thing you thought all along is really the way that you think can be considered revelatory.

So what was it?
Pretty simple. If I am emotionally invested in a person then I just see them. What I mean is this: I notice changes but only so that I can compliment them. I notice changes so that I can cement the image of who they are right now in my heart. But then I discard it. It’s not relevant and on a day to day basis I just see them. If I found them attractive before then I continue to find them attractive. Who they are is the thing I like. Who they are is where my emotional attachment and, as a result, how I perceive them. Why is this just coming to light?

A Acquaintance level 2 and a Friend level 1 both have lost weight recently. Both lost enough to effect their physical appearance. One drastically. But I don’t see it. Or rather it’s not relevant for me to consciencly notice. I saw a side by side comparison of one of them and I thought wow they lost a bunch of weight. But when I see them in person, it doesn’t enter my conscious mind.

So I just don’t see primarily cosmetic differences. I’m happy if they are happy. Who they are hasn’t changed. They are more confident but I always saw them as more than they accepted of themselves. So it’s just good that they are coming to realize that.

I know, it’s odd to see and think like this. What can I say, but that if you are not examining the why’s and how’s of your thinking, then how will you become the self you are trying to be?

Reaching for the light but ending up with shadows

Pelgris10 Comments

I don’t think it’s truly set in that she is no longer mine, If she ever was. That she doesn’t want me, if she ever did. I would have done anything to be with her. All she needed to do was ask. I suppose I keep looking.

But for now I need to deal with this sadness. Of what might have been. Of what we are/were. And the fact I’m having trouble letting her go. More than that, that I don’t care how much it hurts me, that I still want her. But we all make our choices and, {my foolish heart demands I say this} at least for now, she has made hers.

Kind words

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There are those who say to me, “Thank you for the kind words.”

I don’t speak kind words. I give voice to the words my heart requires I speak. Kind words are, “I’m sorry for your loss.” When the speaker has no emotional connection to the person. They are pretty and socially appropriate and are never something I would say. If I wish you to have a good day, then that is my hope for you. If I call you beautiful then I mean that my heart cries out to acknowledge your beauty. My words are not something so small as kind. My written words are my heart and my touch, my love and my kiss. I do not write to be nice, I write because I must. Because to do otherwise is to lie with my heart. Maybe my words are kind. But, it is the least thing they are. I want you to know that.