I repeat to myself
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die
This litany slithers and drifts
This hope to stop existing
This dream that something
Will stop my mindless gears from turning
Until the crushing weight of my own words
Set my conscious mind to planning
But it was a lie
I just want the pain to stop
So at least
I’ll stop burying the blade deep in myself
I am loved
Even if it probably isn’t true
I have nothing to give but everything that I am. Unfortunately, it never seems to be enough. Is it something I lack or was there something in you that could not be fulfilled. Or am I waiting for you to say, “I’m ready now.” And, fool that I am, I wait while you seek joy in the heart of another. Or I wait until circumstances are better. Or I wait until you realize what you need and it isn’t me. Or I wait while time drifts you away.
Take a step to me. Don’t say but or maybe. Don’t wait, times is passing, regret is for the things that you fail to face not for love. I know. It’s painful to hope. I know. I’ll try not to fail you.
I look to you as succor to my pain
For who am I but yours
Though discarded on distant shores
Made weird and glimmer
Sounds filter through memory
Like the distant slow ringing of bells
But to you is where my thoughts turn
Fools to seek what was lost
A drowning and drunk dream
Knowing only the cracks as it comes
a broken memory
spins at the edge of my heart
cutting away pieces
saying what might have been
blood spilling from mouth
so bound up
in the screaming of my heart
I barely hear you say hello
I want to hear you
My heart hurts today
Because my love is eternal
Because she cares for me more than I know
But doesn’t love me
And I can’t find my way to keeping her out
Don’t want her out
Just want her to stay
To walk in my secret places
And know she is home
When I first talked with her it was through comments on a thing I wrote. That happened more and more until I felt I was getting to know her. Then I said I was falling for someone and she knew though I didn’t say that it was her. We started talking in earnest and it seemed to be going well. Then tragedy struck and we seemed to be getting through that. I was right on the verge of saying, “We need to meet in person.” And as I was typing that to her, I found myself blocked. She’d ghosted me. I was destroyed. Beyond destroyed, devistated.
My friend helped me pick up the pieces. It took 4 months before I wasn’t I complete mess. Then as my life got back to something resembling good, she messaged me. Out of the blue. Explaining and apologizing. I’d let her go. Let the pain go.
I was with someone which ultimately fizzled and now we’re just friends.
And after it fizzled we allowed each other back into our lives. And it was good. Not like it was but still really good. But now she’d push me away and I’d not let her. I’m not a idiot, I saw what was happening and I don’t want, didn’t want to let her go.
Then she came to me completely rational and told me that she couldn’t be with me and work through what she needed to work through.
I said ok. I said it more eloquently than that but that’s what I said. What else could I say?
I would do anything for her and if the thing I could do was leave her to heal on her own without me, then of course I had to let her go.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her. Or, if I’m not with anyone, would not want to be with her. I still think about her all the time. I used to dream that I slept by her side. Those dreams are gone.
I would never have left her if she didn’t request it. Life is the stupidest rigged game you’ll ever participate in. Even if you think you know what is happening, you never really do.
So I took this down, put it up, took it down, I edited it, life….it sucks.
I’ve heard it said that the benchmark for love is whether or not you would die for someone.
It’s not. Death is Easy. We all do it. It’s going to happen.
No, the benchmark for love is whether or not you will live for someone.
Will you wake each day with the intention that today you will be as good to them as when you were courting. As when you were dating. As when you first saw them blush with their body. As when you first touched and your heart sped up a little.
Love is a emotion, yes. But in a relationship, it’s also a choice. The choice to love completely. To not allow all of the noise and fury of this chaotic, beautiful, mad world we live in, to not allow it to take over and intrude where it is not welcome.
But, people call me crazy for opening my heart so wide. And I won’t pretend that I have not been hurt. But, if I allow that pain to make my choices for me then I am not living. I am hiding.
I choose to not hide. To not be ruled by pain. By fear. I may not always know the way. But I know that love is my guide
aches and reminders
It all seems light
But on horizon
Life without pain
Falsehoods generally are
Just a pill to make it better
Just a pill will get you far
Seductive song to get you going
Just as strong to keep you up
This will is full of knowing
When a little is too much
I feel like I’m flying apart. Like I can’t hold the pieces together. Like I’m falling. Like the earth is pulling me under, like drowning but not like any of those things because at least then there would be the hope that the pain might end. There would be a chance that something could help me. Some doctor could save me. Some miracle could fix me.
The air catches in my throat and there is a lump made out of pain. As if my body is trying to help by cutting off my airways. But it’s tried this before and it didn’t help then.
I hope that unresolved questions, that could says but not going to’s will become words and answers. That there are choices yet to be made and one of those choices will lead us back together, if we are apart now because, I don’t know. I’m fracturing and it doesn’t seem to end. I don’t know how to stop it. Some minutes are lost to pain and I can’t recall what I last said or last thought.
I hope I’m crazy and jumping to conclusions. That my brain is up to its usual tricks of reading far more into a situation than is true. Because I was somehow taught to hope, that sometimes they come back.
I’m every inch, being stripped to the bone, ablated, and I’ll somehow be alive at the end. Because heart break doesn’t kill you. You just wish that it did.
Had a dream where it was new years at the house locale and for some reason I was setting up a TV and stereo speakers. I was all set but my older sister was moving in with me for some reason and she thought she had a better way. So I said Ok and let her try. She set it all up but the sound was coming out tinny. So, while she was off doing something, I setup the system back to working. The dream shifted and I was in a armies camp on the move. I was with someone I cared about, whose opinion I cared for. And I remember looking at my foot and seeing it discolored and they saw the discoloration and were disgusted. So I began peeling the skin off and removing the nails. It was about a 2 or 3 on my pain scale. Putting it in perspective, a broken elbow is only a 4 and a tweaked can barely move back is a 5 or 6. Pain and I are familiar lovers.
After removing the skin and nails and wiping up the blood, this person was looking on disgusted. And I just gestured and said, see, good as new.